Looking back

Looking back  

            It was November 8^th and I hadn’t planned on asking the question I was about to. The girls and I were sitting in the living room and just talking to each other. But they both knew that something was wrong with me. I tried hard not to show my emotions but the tears wouldn’t stop coming even when I tried to laugh.

My youngest daughter and I were sitting on the same sofa and my oldest daughter was sitting across from us. I looked at both of them and I tried really hard not to cry but it was impossible. I stated saying, “It might be better if girls started living with your father”. Right away their faces changed. I can still see the pain on their faces. They both couldn’t say anything but they started crying too. I felt horrible because I had given this pain to them. 

Somehow I knew I was born to be a mother. When my first daughter was born, it was the happiest day of my life. If I could, I would have gone to the top of the world and screamed at the top of my lungs. Both of the girls are everything to me. We are like a team; I am their mother, friend, adviser and a lot more. I couldn’t imagine hurting them in anyway. My ex-husband knew how important they are for me and that’s why there wasn’t a question during my divorce concerning who they were going to live with. Due to the recession I tried my best to spend as little money as possible and not to worry about moving and stuff. But I was running out of savings, and the money I was making wasn’t enough to pay all the bills. He was having a really hard time giving me child support as well.

The day before I spoke with my daughters, I sat down and starting thinking and counting how much money I had and how we could survive with this little amount. I didn’t have an answer. There was no way I could pay all of the bills and feed the girls. That is why I came up with the solution to sell the house, the girls could move in with their father so they wouldn’t have to go through this difficult time with me and I would move into an apartment with a roommate. My oldest daughter who was 13 years old at the time, tried very hard not to show her pain to me. She looked at me and said, “No”. I asked her what she meant by that. She knew how hard it was for me to pay the bills and take care of everything. She said, “I don’t want to move with dad. I want to live with you, Mom”, she was crying the whole time. I told her I understood but I am sorry I can’t provide for you anymore. Then she said, “I don’t care. We will go through this time together”. Right away something changed inside of me. I believe it was her words gave me life. I got up and gave her a hug and kissed her and said, “I am so sorry for this pain”. Then I looked at my youngest daughter fearful eyes. She was crying and didn’t know what to say except that she didn’t want to live with her dad, “Mom, I want to live with you too”. I felt the sharp pain in her voice. I give a hug and a kiss to her and apologized to her. She felt better. They already knew but once again I talked to both of them about our financial problem and told them it’s going to be really hard but if we all three support each other, I thought somehow we could make it. Our goal is to survive. They understood.

            Two month have gone buy and somehow we did manage to pay all the bills. We are still in the same house and living together. Money is still an issue, but in this process I learned how to face my fears. When I talked to them I myself was frightened, what if they will say “yes” then what am I going to do? Even though my decision was not rational, I know their dad loves both of them very much. I think the girls took it as a punishment or maybe fear of being away from their mother and that scared them. And that was not my intention at all. I hope I will never ever have this kind of conversation with my girls again. They are my blessing and how in the world can I let my blessings go.