This morning around 6:00 a.m. I woke up to go to work but I had no motivation at all and I was feeling very tired. I called in and went back to sleep. Today was not the first day I am feeling like this. It has been almost two weeks I have been feeling overwhelmed and have no motivation at all.
My friends and family would described me as positive, a hard worker, strong, a thinker, energetic, a dreamer, happy, friendly, a supporter, a giver, likable, understanding, responsible, loyal, beautiful, a martial art student, a good writer, and living in the power of now. They aren’t wrong at all; I have all those great qualities but sadly right now I’m not feeling many of those.
My writing habit almost always helps me to understand how am I feeling and why. But for some reason this time, I didn’t even want to sit down and write about it. Believe it or not, right now I rather be doing anything else then writing about how I am feeling. But I forced myself to sit down, and whatever thoughts I am having I want to put it on the paper, because it’s not a pretty place to be. And I know that’s NOT me. If I look around myself; I have a lot to be grateful for, which is I am. Such as I have a home to live in, a car to drive, food in my pantry, friends who will come on my one call and family members who are also always there for me. I have a job and I don’t have kind of illness or any kind of chronic pain. So what’s going on with me? Why am I feeling down?
I am someone who lives by this rule and tells people: There is no tomorrow; what we have is today and I truly believe that. I also know no situation stays same. I’m hoping and wishing since I am feeling tired and overwhelmed, I will start feeling better soon and my weight would lift it up from my shoulders.
I wonder what caused me to feel the way I am feeling. And how did I get to me? It’s my late mother? Today would be 10 months since my mother passed away. It still seemed unreal and painful to think about her strugglers. This would be my very first summer without going back to Pakistan to visit my mother. I work in a school, and in end of May my job would be over, so am I worrying about summer break, may be? My girls are doing just fine, and they don’t need me as much as before, so am I feeling lost without them? Or may be I got so used to with lots of responsibilities and now I have fewer and that’s why I am feeling what I am feeling because I don’t know how to feel normal? The think about me is I have enough knowledge about many things and that’s why sometimes I feel overwhelmed because there is nothing anyone could do to change the way I am feeling. People say eating healthy food and exercise helps. I do that, too.
I am a people person. I try my best to find something good in everyone. But at the sametime I know it’s not possible to get along with everyone. Not too long ago, I did had have some disagreements with my family and friends. And I tried to solved it as best as possible. Did I make it to my an ego issue? It’s possible but how that happened. I am very careful about anything I do or say to people where it’s an ego issue for me.
When I was young I prayed to God (Allah) all the time and I had blind faith in him. But later on in my life I started losing my faith, and when my mother got sick I completely lost it. Don’t get me wrong; I still believe in supernatural power, but I became less religious. When I talked to my friends and family about my personal feeling not all, but many of them suggested that I pray. I guess I’m still grieving or don’t believe in the power of prayers anymore. I don’t feel like to praying. My thing is if God knows what’s inside of our hearts, then why do we have to pray? I am not questioning anybody’s faith but being honest with myself and to others.
Another things I am struggling about what’s the purpose of life? In my case my biggest struggle is financial struggle. And I know money doesn't make us happy but it sure provides some securities. I have a four-year college degree and I am very intelligent, and my girls and I made it thought this far, but it seemed like what’s purpose of life to just make money and keep paying bills? I am not happy with that.
My school job is about to be over and now I have to start looking for a summer job. Looking for a job isn't fun at all. Many of you know how it feel stressful and depressing. I am not an unhappy or a negative person but right now this is what it is. I know I am not the only person feeling the way I’m feeling. From time to time many of us do. I wish people would feel more comfortable sharing with others. Believe it or not, we would be helping eachother. I am not afraid to share, but it’s not an easy things to do but here I’m. It’s up to you; you can judge me, which I don’t care about, or you can see you aren't alone. Life is beautiful if you are connected with beautiful people!
