Trust God and think positive

       It’s hard to believe that in just two months we will be saying goodbye to 2014 and welcoming 2015. It is true when they say, time flies by. This colum is not about New Year resolutions but a reminder of our current year. Every year before the New Year begins many of us make New Year resolutions. Every year before the new year begins, many of us make New Years's resolutions. This column serves as a reminder to us to look back and see whether we completed our goals or not. For those of you who have not completed your goals, we still have two months to go. Don’t worry about when you’ll finish your resolution because we aren't racing against anyone but our self. 

         I made many realistic resolutions and have completed some but not all of them.  2014 was a very hard year for me. A lot of unexpected things happened. I struggled a lot but I am proud to say I made it. On the top of my resolution list was a prayer for my mother. “Please God take my Mom’s pain away”.

        God listened and it happened when it was her time. I feel extremely blessed that I got the opportunity to see her before she left this world. Seeing her in pain with the condition she was in was extremely difficult. At first it was painful to imagine my Mother in heaven but now this is how I imagine her: she is in heaven and wearing a beautiful Queen’s dress, sitting next to my father, and he also wearing a King’s dress. The room is full of kings and queens and there is no pain, worries or struggles, only peace and happiness. 

This image in my mind gives me peace. My resolution did come true and she is out of pain. And I strongly believe she is in heaven with my father embracing peace and happiness together.  

Another goal I made was to now worry too much and to trust God fully, knowing he will take care of me. I can’t explain how much I trust God and I know I couldn't be where I am today in my life without His help, especially during my times of struggle with finances and emotions. God is great.

 My whole point in writing about this is that it doesn't matter if you haven’t completed your resolutions or not. It’s never too late to start now. And compared to last year if your situation has gotten worse and you are feeling overwhelmed; don’t think you can’t get out of it. Trust God and think positively. You will be surprised to see how things work out amazingly.

And if you have reached your New Year resolutions, congratulations, give credit to yourself and be proud! Every person’s situation is unique and every single thing we go through is a part of life. Instead of going against it or resisting, accept it as if you have chosen it. Instead of focusing on one solution to your problems, don’t be afraid to look in other directions, chances are you’ll find another solution that was in front of you the whole time. 

Don’t focus negatively on your problems. No situation stays the same and change is happening every single day in our lives. Change can be scary but not always, it’s up to us how we open to it. Life is beautiful!

Broken Heart

Close family and friends know about this but for the ones that didn’t know, after I came back from Karachi in July I felt completely lost. I felt empty, unhappy, focus-less, sad, depressed, as if I had lost something and looking for it but didn’t know where to start looking and what exactly I was looking for. I knew my Ami’s death had a lot to do with the way I was feeling but during this process I also noticed I was dealing with lots of different emotions too, which had nothing to do with Ami’s death but I still felt it.

       

I am one of those women who is very attached to her feelings and am very good at expressing it. And I learned long time ago, when something is bothering us we should talk to people who we trust. Since I write I have been putting my thoughts onto the paper and was thinking, if I was doing all the right things then why was I feeling the way I was? As soon as I came back my responsibilities were waiting for me. I went to work everyday, took a shower, exercised, met friends and did all of my routine things. But there was this emptiness and sadness that wouldn’t leave me alone. My focus was gone.

The more time was passing by the more I was thinking the way I was feeling. So one day I decided to sit down and just write the emotions I was feeling without analyzing it or trying to figure them out. I was in shock; I didn’t know how many emotions I had inside of me from birth to now. Even though I thought I had been doing pretty well, I was wrong.

I was 3 years old when my father, Abu, passed away. I have no memories or any kind of attachment with him. It was only my Ami who raised me and I always looked at her as both my parents. When Ami passed away, even though I am 42 years old, I felt like an orphan. It was and still is very painful to deal with. My mother was a very religious woman and she always prayed for everyone. But after her death I had this sadness, now who was going to pray for me? I felt like because of her prayers I was protected and now I was not.

Another things I realized, my childhood wasn’t a typical childhood and growing up I worried a lot about my Ami, sisters and struggled every single day. And as a woman in Pakistan my job was also to take care of the house and start working at a young so I could support my Ami. Then after I got married my job was to take care of my husbands’ and my kids’ need. Life changes in a flash because the next thing I knew I found myself divorced with two little kids. But what choice did I have? Whether I wanted to or not I had to put myself together for my girls and start walking again. And before I knew it I became the caretaker and it was all about other people. Which I was fine with because I love and care for my kids deeply. Then right before my youngest daughter was about to graduate high school my Ami had a stroke. Then my focus shifted to her.

From April 2013 to June 2014, every single day I worried about my Ami and tried to help however and as much as I could. During those fourteen months it was like my life was on pause. But after Ami’s death I felt completely lost and I could finally pin on it and realized since I became a caretaker I had been asking myself, now what? It’s almost like I didn’t know how to live without taking care of people or things, like I didn’t know how it feel to be normal. This is another chapter of my life and I don’t know where I am going. But I am hopeful I will find my way.

Since I am positive person and also a problem solver the only thing that is in my control is to change my outlook. Instead of looking at what I lost or what I don’t have I started looking at how blessed I am. I have two beautiful girls who truly respect and love me; I have place to live, a job, a car to drive, and friends and family who are always there for me.

Since I changed my outlook I noticed I started feeling much better. I am now smiling, eating healthy and instead of looking into my past or worrying about the future I started living in the power of now because that’s all we have right now. My heart is still broken and here and there it hurts but this is what it is and every single chapter in our lives is part of our lives whether we like it or not. I would say instead of fighting it’s better to accept it and move on. I know I have a long way to go but I am glad I am on my way and I believe with God’s help I will be just fine.