My Big Fat Pakistani Culture!

It doesn’t matter which culture you are from, whether we like it or not our culture plays a huge role in lives. Growing up most of us don’t know what’s right or wrong but we follow what culture has laid out for us. That’s what everyone else is doing or you feel pressure from your culture and so you do it. Once we become adults many of our own cultural etiquettes feel strange or make us uncomfortable. As adults you understand that just because it’s cultural, that doesn’t mean you have to follow it or keep repeating it especially if you disagree.    

Pakistan has very strong traditions.  Pakistan is a Muslim country and culture and religion often overlap.  Growing up I followed my religion and culture but once I moved to the USA I start seeing everything from new eyes and using my own judgment. Every time I go back my own culture feels strange to me. My last trip was longer than usual and I made it feel like home. The cultural differences were very clear to me. As an observer I felt sad about many of the traditions, in addition people can’t see what they are doing wrong. Since it’s a tradition they are flowing the old path. Here are some noticeable differences about Pakistani culture.

Being lighter skin!

Pakistani’s have higher pigmentation and therefore darker skin. There are many people who have light skin as well, but only light skin is considered beautiful. I remember when I was a teenager someone told me, “Zainab you have big eyes, long hair and you are skinny but it’s too bad you aren’t fair skinned”.  I was surprised to see how many TV commercials there are about different types of cream to make your face lighter.  Many women don’t wear bright colors including white because that makes them darker.  

During my mom’s visitation I met many old relatives, friends and neighbors who I haven’t met for a long time. Many of them were surprised to see me because of how dark I am. They didn’t even say hello or how are you to me but the very first thing that came out of their mouth was, “ What happened to your skin?”, you’re so dark. They way they said it made it sound like I got some kind of disease. Darker skin is considered ugly and lighter skin is beautiful.

Here is the interesting thing, I noticed that western culture prefers tan and darker skin and they look at that skin color as beautiful and attractive. Since I moved to the US countless people have giving me compliments on my skin tone. Recently after I came back from Karachi, friends came for condolences and some of them gave me compliments on the tan I got while I was there too.

Mean words!

Pakistan culture is very much involved in everyone’s business. They aren’t afraid or ashamed to ask anything and there is no limit for them. They don’t care if a question is too private or not, they dare to ask anyways and expect the answer. They don’t feel they are being rude when they ask personal questions. From the cultural perspective they care the about other person and that’s why they feel they should ask. But then I noticed that they get the information and they pass it on to others and it starts a gossip session.

Another thing I noticed especially in women is that if someone gains weight they will tell you to your face that you look fat. And if someone loses weight they say oh you look so pretty or handsome, with the belief that before they were looking bad. And even more so, they will touch your body such as your stomach, arms, cheeks and will say how fat you are. It makes the other person very uncomfortable and self-conscious but it’s the culture. Acne is another thing many girls have to deal with. Some get less and some get more, but Pakistani people will touch your face and tell you, “oh look you are getting acne do something about it”. Like you didn’t know.  I felt like there are no boundaries and for them it’s cultural, but for me it’s rude to make comments about anyone’s weight, color, height etc. I didn’t like it at all.

Lying

Growing up my mother and religion taught me that lying is a bad thing and good people don’t lie. I tried really hard to be honest with myself and with others, I taught my kids the same thing. I believe it’s really hard to trust another person when they often lie. Every single relationship is based on trust. I was surprised to see and hear how much people lie. For me a lie is a lie whether it’s small or big. After lying for so long, it seemed to me that they don’t even think about it. I saw it everywhere and was very disappointed and sad to witness that. I tried to convince some people when I caught them lying but instead of them listening to what I was saying they tried to convinced me they weren’t lying. A lie is a lie, there is no justification or explanation for that especially to the extent of which I saw it.

Speaking English

Pakistan’s native language is Urdu and it’s a beautiful, sophisticated language. Language is a huge part of any culture. When I was growing up English language was the official language. In middle class and lower class, people didn’t speak English but in upper class speaking English was common. I noticed now that speaking English has become more common than speaking Urdu. People are teaching their kids from an early age how to speak English instead of Urdu. They don’t want their children to be behind and that’s why they start speaking English as soon as possible.

Another thing that was surprising for me now, was when people go for job interviews they expect you to speak English and they even start the interview in English. My niece has an MBA and knows how to speak and write in English when she went for a job interview the interviewer started the conversation in English and when he noticed she could speak well, then he switched to Urdu.  I wish they could see how important language is. They don’t have to speak English to impress anyone. I am afraid soon Pakistanis will lose their language and that would be really sad.

Here in the US we encourage our kids to speak native languages and make sure they understand the value of it. But it’s sad to see in my own home country they look at it differently and speaking English has become about status and class.

Materialistic  

Karachi has become a very materialistic city. If you are living in a big home, drive a nice car and dress well people want to be your friend. Getting to know another person and upholding values have become secondary. I noticed a huge gap between when I was growing up and now. People used to visit each other and often have get-togethers but now very few people still keep the tradition going. But I think it’s also happening all over the world today. It’s very sad that people have become so materialistic and things have become more important than another human being. Having a fake status is something people think is a good thing.  They say things or buy what they can't even afford just to show others they can. 

Negative thinking toward America and Americans

With many other topics I wrote above this is another topic that is like dirty laundry. It has been always there and everyone knows about it but no one will say anything about it. I am sure lots of people won’t be happy with me but I’m daring to say it nonetheless. Pakistani people and culture are very much impressed by American culture. They like American things. American food, speaking English had also become a part of Pakistani culture. Western clothing is also a big thing in Karachi.  If someone lives in USA or is visiting from the USA that person gets more respect and people look at that with high standard. They are impressed by it and envy that person. I know most of them wish they could also come to USA so they could also have a better live. I totally understand them. But the part I don’t like or don’t understand is that beside my own immediate family, others say negative things about America and Americans. Such as America is an overwhelmingly Christian nation and not a Muslim country so that’s a bad thing. Americans eats pork and drink alcohol, good Muslim’s are not supposed to do that so those people are bad. Americans don’t have family values like Pakistan and they disrespect their elders. But the way they say things about Americans is as if they aren’t smart, beautiful, attractive or human, things completely opposite to the truth.

I told them I was born here but I am an American citizen so you are saying those things to me too. They said that I was Pakistani so it didn’t apply. I also told them that I have been living in America for the last 25 years and I know lots of people, we are all Americans and they are very good people. They work hard just like us, have families and care for family like anyone else. So far I have had a great experience living in this Christian country. The freedom I have there whether it’s about religion or culture I don’t have in my own country. If American is that bad why would you want to come to USA? I know their answer is that they want to come and make American dollars and help family back home. To me you want to use a country you deem bad to help yourself and your family. The logic makes no sense to me.

No place and people are perfect, but I wish people would be honest with each other and start looking at each other and treating each other how you would want to be treated. I feel like one of the lucky ones who have experienced both countries and have found a balance. I can see everything so clearly about both counties. Yes, I don’t like to hear negative things about either country but I would rather be real than living in denial. The only times we make a change is when we know there is a problem and realize that change is hard but change can be a good thing especially for our next generation.

Beauty from the Ashes

This story is about my older sister, who deserves a remarkable introduction but I don’t have the words to describe her. She is one of those women who we call an unsung hero. She’s the backbone of the family, the strongest daughter, and can handle pretty much anything. She’s gone through a lot in life but is always smiling, and is always ready to help others; she has the biggest heart of all, the best sister, daughter, and the best mother in addition to many other things.

            This remarkable woman’s name is Sultana. She is the mother of two daughters. We sisters gave her a nickname (Tana short for Sultana) when we were young kids. Tana and I have 5 years age difference. For some reason when I was a child I was pretty attached to her. As a young girl she was very shy and mature girl and had a few good friends.  She was focused and a very good student. Since she was the oldest when she turned 16 her marriage proposal came. I don’t know what she was thinking, whether she wanted to get married or not but she knew she didn’t have a say in that matter. She didn’t say anything to our mother or our uncles. She agreed without knowing anything about her future husband and at the age of 16 she was forced to quit school and become a wife.

            Tana’s husband was 13 years older than her. He was from a very nice family. He had a decent job and not very much education. From early on in the marriage he didn’t give her the respect a wife should receive from her husband. He was abusive toward her as well. Tana never complained to our mother or but kept dealing with his abuse. The same year that she got married she become a mother and then the following year had her second daughter. She was married to her husband for 13 years. And all those years she was a faithful wife to her husband. Even though she knew her husband was wrong, she followed religious and cultural beliefs. I believe that since she was the oldest she was worried for us her sisters. She knew the culture she was living in. Our mother was already a widow and barely surviving. If she took any step to leave her husband, people would judge her sisters and mother. She didn’t want that and so she took all of his mental and physical abuse. She never blamed our mother or anything else but accepted her fate. I have so much respect for Tana for doing that, it was a very selfless thing to do.

           Her husband had anger issues and his ego was huge. Early on something happened between him and our uncle (who took care of us) and it was extremely hard for him to let it go. He took out his anger on his wife, kids, our mother and on all of us sisters. He was a very controlling man. He didn’t have much to control but whatever control he had he used. He didn’t let his kids and Tana come visit us for 8 long years. We weren’t welcome at their home either. It was the most difficult time for all of us, especially for Tana and our mother. Since she was a faithful wife, she and the kids never came to visit us behind his back or did anything to made him more upset.  We didn’t know how she lived those 8 years without seeing family, it wasn’t until my recent visit she started sharing with me and to her daughters about everything. She kept it all inside this whole time.

        I remembered how much our mother had shed tears and prayed to God for us to be united again. She utterly missed her daughter. One day suddenly her husband had a heart attack and later died with heart failure. They were renting a home and he didn’t leave anything behind for his wife or for his daughters. Culturally back then if something happened to the son in-law, daughters could move back to their parent’s home. Tana and the kids came back for good. On my recent visit, we were sitting and talking and suddenly Tana said to me, “When I couldn’t come home to visit Ami and all of you, I always prayed to God that when my Ami needs me please make me available to be there for her”. I felt the pain in her words. Until then we never shared anything about those 8 years. The pain is still raw. I was surprised and it was hard to hear something like that from her mouth. Tana and I both had tears in our eyes. Who would have thought that one day Tana would be primarily the one to take care of Ami?

One of our cousins grew up with us and we are the only family she has. Many years ago, she found out she had breast cancer and Tana took care of her and provided as much assistance as she could. Ami was there but she was getting old and she trusted Tana more than anyone. She went through chemo therapy and while she was getting treatment, Tana welcomed her at our home with her three kids and took care of her for two months. A few years later we found out our very eldest sister had to get her uterus removed. Her condition was getting serious and dangerous. Tana also took care of her like her own child and is still doing it. She saw how Ami lived without a man being in the house, and so she became the man of the house. She takes cares of every single thing without anyone’s help.

She was only 29 years old when she became a widow. But she put herself on the back burner and took over all of Ami’s and the home’s responsibility like any good child would do.  Right away she learned how to deal with people and especially men in male dominated country. Older woman get respect but young women don’t and it’s sad to say that most of the people look at young woman as entertainment and objectify them. But even in such a society with that type of mentality Tana taught them how to treat her with respect and make sure they all stayed within their boundaries.  I applaud Tana, what she did and is doing is not easy but she is a walking testament to what can be done.

Tana also did a remarkable job in how she raised her daughters. They are beautiful girls from inside to the outside. She provided them with education, her eldest daughter has a Bachelor’s Degree and her youngest has an MBA. While she was taking care of everything she also wanted to go back to school and be independent. She started from the basics. She chose to work in the medical field and today 10 years later her job is secure and she has been supporting her family and Ami all this time. It’s pretty remarkable to do these things given the cards that were dealt her and in Pakistani culture.

Her prayer was to be there when Ami needed her. She and her daughters were there every single day 24/7 for whatever Ami needed until she passed away. And I can say for sure that if Ami was still alive or had lived 5 more years paralyzed, I have no doubt Tana and her daughters would have taken care of her with love and smiles.

Today she is still living and will always live at our Ami’s home with her daughters and our oldest sister. She is still taking care of responsibilities and working full time. I am proud to say that Tana is my older sister and I have so much respect and love for her. She is beyond just a strong woman.  I wish her all the happiness in this world and wish the rest of her life will be peaceful and happy. You can name any problem and Tana will have made it through that hard time with flying colors, and that’s why when I look at her I see true beauty from ashes.

While I was there visiting my family I observed Tana and I noticed that she doesn’t sleep like others do for a full 6-8 hours but she sleeps like a tiger. She isn’t fully asleep and is always alert. She is always top of everything. I also noticed that since her job is related to the medical field, she goes to low-income areas and educates women about birth control, hygiene, disease and gives children polio shots.  So from her work she always has basic over the counter medicine. While I was there for 6 weeks I saw many times women came looking for Tana asking for advice and seeking medical help. She was always ready to help anyone with anything they needed. They respected Tana a lot and call her “ baji” which means older sister. She has huge heart, if she noticed someone needing help in any capacity she always helped them. She is a remarkable woman.  She is handling all of her responsibilities beautifully and has found a great balance. That’s my Tana. 

What's changed---and what hasn't ---for women in Pakistan

 Since growing up 35-40 years ago, I heard from my elders and personally experienced how husbands treat their wives with no respect at all. Instead of that they look and treat them as their property and control them physically, emotionally and psychologically. But they accepted their wives to take care of their parents, do all of the house chores, take care of the kids, fulfill everyone needs and she was not allowed to complain to him or anyone but to keep it inside, instead just to show everyone how happy she is with him. 

            Fortunately not all men are like that but most of them are. I remember very well as soon as I moved to the States one day my oldest sister in-law came to me and said, “if my brother ever abuses you physically you let me know and I will take you far away and protect you”. At that time I was 18 years old but before I even got married I had decided I would never ever put up with that kind of abuse from my husband. But in the new country her words gave me huge security. Even then and even now my ex-husband knew better and treats me with respect. Yes, I got divorced but in 13 years of marriage he never abused me.  

Since I moved to the states 25 years ago, I thought and heard that things started changing. The older generation learned from their own experience that things were wrong and that’s why they wanted the younger generation to get a higher education, especially the girls. I also heard that couples have become more aware about respecting each other and don’t cross each other’s boundaries. Arrange marriages were and are still common.  However, there was a time when couples first saw and talked to each other the night they got married.  But later on parents started meeting with he or she with their family and if they think he or she and family is suitable for their son or daughter, they would let them know and then they are the ones who make the final decision. On the same note arrange marriage still exists in the low and middle class.

Since I moved I always came to Karachi for a very short time and my trip was always planned.  But this is my very first time my trip is longer due to my mother sickness and is also the very first time I didn’t plan for my trip at all, I just wanted to be with family.  But 10 days after I came, my mother passed away. During my mother’s death lots of relatives, friends and neighbors came for condolences.  I haven’t met many of them for a long time and it was very nice seeing and talking with many of them. While I was talking to them, especially the new couples I observed how many couples were living unhappily and miserable.  Most of the husbands like to be in control. He wouldn’t let his wife go anywhere without his permission.  And if she is working outside of the house he controls her money and treats her like a 2^nd class citizen. He doesn’t appreciate how she is taking care of the home and supporting her husband financially. 

Another major issue is dealing with the in-laws.  Here in Pakistan most of the couples live with their parents after they get married and that’s part of the culture. It’s more about them than the couples. But most of them believe they are doing a favor for them but actually there is no privacy or freedom for the couple. The home is always his parent’s home.

After talking and absorbing it all in it made me think how little has changed in woman’s lives. They are still struggling and living under men like their opinion doesn’t matter. I feel very bad and sad for them. Here in the States I see how freely myself and other women are living.

Another huge issue is the dowry. I thought now dowry only exists in the low class now because I assumed people knew better now. But I was wrong. When the girls are getting married, even  if the girl’s  parents can’t afford a dowry they take a loan to give their daughter as much dowry as they can so their daughter can be happy and her husband and in-laws won’t give her a hard time. Some parents give their daughters a bedroom set, some give also the living room furniture or even a car, basically as much as they can afford. That’s on the girl’s parents side. But here in Pakistan shameless men and his parents demand for dowry and make the girls parents feel by getting married to their daughter they’re doing them a huge favor.

Here is an example from my own family.  Three years ago, my oldest sister’s daughter got married. From the outside they seemed like a good family. The Husband has a decent job, his mother is a school principal, and all the brothers and sisters are already married. Last year when I came I visited my niece and met his family the very first time. They were nice to me and I couldn’t tell anything negative about them.

When my mother passed away, I noticed my niece came for a very short time with her mother but her husband and his family didn’t come to give their condolences. A week later we had prayers for our mother and we invited many people including my niece and her in-laws.  My niece came early in the morning with her brother but the prayers were in the evening. And the she wanted to leave in couple hours. I asked her, “Aren’t you going to stay for prayers and where is your husband? Why didn’t he come to give his condolences?” First, she was hesitant but then she opened up and told me, “My husband doesn’t allow me to come down here to visit. He doesn’t even know I am here to visit you and others”. When I asked her why she said,“ When I got married, in to my dowry I didn’t  get fridge? He is still upset about it".  He believes since you and my younger aunt lives in the USA it’s our responsibility to financially support him.  

When I heard that I was in shock and couldn’t believe he could think like that. I asked her “What do you think? Do you think he is right”? She said of course not and then told me more things about how she is living and how she was been treated badly. I felt really sad and bad for her but also admired how she is handling him maturely instead of calling us and making us feel guilty.  When she was leaving I asked if she would come back to visit before I left but she already knew her husband wouldn’t allow for it. I told her I would come to her house but she said sternly, “No, he wouldn’t like that.” I was and still in shock by how many women are living like this or worse. I talked to my niece and encouraged her to stand for herself and told her she must put herself first and that I am always with her as long as you don’t support the wrong things. She said to me she understood me but right now it was her choice and she wanted to be with him. I had to respect her decision. These kinds of conditions for women are very common in Pakistani culture. And it’s very sad and hard to believe. I literally felt I was back to the past and nothing had changed but in some cases it got worse.    

I was born and grew up here so for me it wasn’t brand new but still it was a culture shock because I thought things had changed, I was wrong. No place is perfect but I will say USA is a much better place for women to live in then Pakistan. At least you are free to live and you aren’t living as a slave in your own home.  Every time I come to Karachi, I find myself more and more shocked and it seems like a strange country to me. I noticed mentally how far I have gone since I moved. I speak my mind, and if I don’t agree or I don’t like something I am not afraid to say it. My heart goes out to women who are struggling here and don’t feel free at all. 

Granddaughter's Sentiments

My grandmother (I called her Manoo) is physically gone but I feel that she is still with us. I know she will always be with me, guiding me through my everyday decisions. 

My name is Mahwish and I came to Manoo’s home in 1997, after I lost my father. I always thought that having a father was very important because he is the backbone of the family. Once he left it was very hard for me to accept that he was gone. Manoo helped with the transition by telling me her life stories during her free time. One day she told me a story about her father, and that gave me comfort. Her father, my great grandfather, was in the army and he fought in World War II. Manoo and her family lived without him while he was gone, without knowing when he would come back. While I was listening to her telling me this story, I was surprised that she survived without a father when she was just a child. Later during the partition her entire family moved to Pakistan from India and soon after she got married. At the beginning she was happy with her husband but her in-laws weren’t kind people and acted negatively towards her. Then suddenly her husband died of a heart attack and her in-laws became more negative towards her and it was very difficult for her to live with them.

During my childhood I always saw her busy with her prayers. She was always reciting the Quran and was pleased when my sister and I recited it as well. She always sat with us and listened to us very intently. She always encouraged us to get more education, when we received good grades she looked very happy.  

I always loved to watch Pakistan’s cricket match but Manoo was always against cricket, and she disliked watching TV dramas.  She enjoyed listening to the news, shows about the economy, and Islamic programs.  But later on she started showing interest in cricket matches and TV dramas too. Everybody said to her, “Your granddaughters changed you”, she always smiled and said they are the beauties of my life.

In April 2013 she had a massive stoke. It was my first time dealing with a stroke patient. I remember it very well, around 4pm I came out from the shower and saw her sitting on the floor. Her face looked stressed and she was unable to communicate. At that time I didn’t know she was having a stroke. She was not in control and her vitals were shutting down. I lifted her into my arms and helped her reach the bed to make sure she was ok.  At that time I was home alone. Shortly after my mom and sister came back home, my mother looked at her and right away she knew something was wrong. We took her to the hospital to get treated.

      She started seeing a therapist and made some progress. I watched her therapist and paid attention to the exercises he was doing with her, later I learned them and started doing them for her myself.  In the beginning I was very nervous but the more I tried I got more confident.  With the therapy and everyone’s help she was able to sit in a wheelchair, and showed huge progress. In December of 2013 she had another stroke, and from there she started to deteriorate. In May of 2014 with many health complications, she started having fevers reaching 105 degrees. Twenty-two days before she passed she went into a vegetative coma. The interesting part of this type of coma is that the patient can open their eyes, and even say some words. However they aren’t actually awake. The longer the patient stays in a vegetative state, the chances of waking up become less and less.

On June 14, 2014 she left us. I pray that Allah swt gives her the best place in Heaven. I love her a lot and I will always miss her. It still feels as though this is all unreal and it is hard to believe she is gone forever. But I know she is in a better place, and I have no doubt she is very happy there. No matter what she is a part of me and I will carry her with many all through my life.