A Story of a Beautiful Woman!

June 14, 2014 at 1:25 AM my Ami met her loving lord. It still doesn’t seem real. The whole family has to pinch ourselves to remind ourselves that Ami is gone forever. We sisters and family knew that her time was coming but when it came, it was so painful for us to deal. My Ami was one of the real women in the world. Her patience, honesty, softness, caring personality, beauty, loyalty, humbleness, simplicity, loving and dignity are just a few things to define her.

            My Ami’s name was Habiba Susi. She was born in Madrass, India. She was the youngest in her family with one older sister and 3 brothers. After the partition in 1947 her family moved to Karachi, Pakistan. Growing up Ami told us many stories about her childhood. She never forgot where she came from, even when she became a Pakistani Citizen. But her heart was stayed in India. Her father and two of her brothers were in the Army so growing up the household was very proper. She was a college graduate with English and math being her favorite subjects; education was huge deal for her. All her life she respected herself and others, and was full of etiquette.  

She got married to my father when she was 25 years old. After 10 years of marriage my father died suddenly of a heart failure.  My Ami was left with five daughters all under ten years of age to raise. But my mother did a remarkable job. She never re-married or gave anyone a chance to say anything about her character. She lived her life with dignity and without an ego. She worked very hard to make it each day and she struggled a lot. But she was not a quitter but a fighter. Her faith was always strong and she never asked anything from anyone except from God. After my father died my uncle, who was financially stable, bought a two-bedroom home for us. My Ami was so happy, she always said, “I have a place to live for me and for my daughters”.  She also had a huge heart.  I don’t remember when but for as long as I can remember my grandmother on my Ami’s side lived with us until she died.  One of my cousins who couldn’t live with her parents, my Ami offered her to live with us too. She raised her just like her own daughter. Growing up I didn’t know she was our cousin. I always told people I have six sisters. I am still amazed by how my mother managed everything and everyone with a very limited income and never complained.

I can still close my eyes and see my Ami walking everywhere from paying bills to visiting relatives because she couldn’t afford a taxi, and coming home very sweaty with her feet full of dust. I never liked seeing my Ami tired and worried. Her focus was on her daughters and she never showed us her frustration or anger towards not just us but to anyone. Her pride and dignity were very important for her. Throughout her life lots of people gave her a hard time but she dealt with it gracefully, calmly and maturely.

She never forgot who was there for her during her hard times. She always told us “don’t forget them, they were there when nobody was”. I am so proud to say my Ami was not materialistic at all. She cared about people’s feelings; sometimes I wonder how my mother survived in this unfit, male dominated country without a husband.

  Ami wanted all of her daughters to have a higher education but at the same time she knew she couldn’t afford it and in the society she was raising us in, she knew it would be better for her and for all of us if we all could get married as soon as possible. Sadly to say getting marriage was more important than getting a higher education. My uncle gave Ami security about her daughter’s wedding expenses. Two of my older sisters got married at the age of 16. When I turned 17 I knew it was my turn to get married but I didn’t want to. I wanted to study and have a career so I could support my family. But at that time I didn’t have a voice. My proposal came from USA, I didn’t want to move away from my family but I didn’t have a choice. I still remember all of us were on the way to the airport in the van and I was crying a lot. When I looked at my Ami she was sitting alone crying without showing any emotion or making any noise. Her face looked so worried for me but even then I could tell she was feeling helpless because she was forced to send her daughter to the other side of the world. Once I became a mother I understood her more, how difficult that time must have been for her but I am sure she trusted God and sent me with hope and prayed for the best for me. 

She didn’t travel a lot due to financial reasons but once I became a US citizen I applied for my Ami to come here and she was able to visit me twice. She was very happy to see my girls and I, although everything was different here for her she adjusted very well and eventually liked it. She didn’t want to stay in the States because she missed her other daughters, her grandkids and her home.

Slowly her health started going down and unfortunately at some point, her body couldn’t keep up with her. But she fought until the last day. In April 2013 she had the first stroke, it was massive but she survived. She had high blood pressure and diabetes, later we found out she had an infection in her chest, blood and urine. Months later she had more strokes. And through a MRI we found out her brain was completely gone. The only thing that was keeping her alive was her heart. Since she had a stroke a year ago, the family didn’t think she would make it too far. Each day we all thought, today could be her last day. But none of us are in control; only God knows when her time is up. A month ago, she went into a vegetative coma. Ten days before she passed I came to Karachi without knowing how long she would be alive, I just knew I had to be with her. It was extremely hard and sad to see her in a coma. I remember there were many hours in the days when I didn’t want to see my Ami suffer, I wanted to hide so I wouldn’t have to deal or see her suffering. But at the same time I was getting my motivation from her. I had to tell myself, it’s not about me. If Ami can be that strong why can’t I. For sure my Ami was the strongest woman I have ever met. She was in coma for at least a month. Her Doctor had no hope for her; she had bedsores at stage 4, infections all over her body, she was on feeding tube, and slowly her chest congestion was making it harder for her to breath. We had to give her nebulizer and section treatment. The whole family knew exactly what was going on. And that’s why we decided to keep Ami at home with peace. We prayed and prayed 24/7 asking God to please make it fast and easy for her. And he did. Two days before she passed she had a heart attack and the Doctor told us she would not be able to make it to the hospital. All of my sisters and I stood around her and continued to pray. We would also talk to her and let her know that all of us were here with her, how much we love her and care for her. Even then I was amazed my mother was still alive after her heart attack and the continual struggle for each breath. The day she passed was on a religious day called Shaban. Here is the link so you can read about it. http://www.alahazrat.net/islam/the-excellency-of-the-15th-night-of-shabaan.php.  From the religious perspective, we believe shaban is a very holy month and during the 15 shaban whatever you pray for, your prayer gets accepted right away. And whoever dies that night goes straight to heaven. I remember since my childhood when my Ami heard about anyone’s death on the 15^th Shaban, she always envied them and said, “Look how lucky they were”. And would pray that when she died it would be on the 15^th shaban. Her wish came true! She died on the 15^th Shaban at 1:25 AM.

My mother was a complete woman from all angles and was also a holy woman. We, the whole family truly believe that she didn’t need to pass on the 15^th shaban to go straight to heaven because she already earned her place in heaven during her time on earth. The whole family misses her a lot and always will. She is the reason we are where we are right now and all of us are living our lives with pride and dignity. It has been 6 weeks since she has passed. And I am not sure all of us have accepted that she is gone or maybe because it still seems unreal.  Here and there I have to tell myself my Ami is gone forever. I am sure that’s part of the grieving process. It will take time but even as an adult it seemed like we lost both of our parents at the same time. She was everything to us and we were everything to her. Thank you God for giving my sisters and I the best parents in the whole entire world.

I miss you Ami, Zainab.

Oldest daughter (Saeeda Baji)

“The very first in the morning, I miss seeing Ami on her bed.  I remember I used to go with her to pay the bills and to buy groceries. When she got sick I would make breakfast for her and in our free time we played ludu (board game).  I miss playing with her and miss spending time with her. Since I was a child, I always talked too much so she would always gently tell me to stop and then sat me down quietly next to her. She taught me how to cook and I would iron Ami’s clothes for her. I miss making chai (tea) for her”.

Who is Mahvish?

      I met Mahvish as soon as she was born. She was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. It didn’t take for the whole family to fall in love with Mahvish. She was a perfect child. Everything about her was so special and enjoyable. She was the first granddaughter and the first niece.  She is my oldest sister’s daughter. I was 12 years old when I met Mahvish and I truly believe I became her mother first then my own daughter’s mom.

My sister and her family lived in my Ami’s home until Mahvish was 3 years old. And it was the most memorable and fun time I experienced with her. Then for some personal reason we couldn’t meet with my sister and nieces after they moved into their own home. The interesting thing was we all missed each other unconditionally. Our love for each other didn’t die but instead it grew stronger every day. My Ami was truly heartbroken when she couldn’t see her daughter and grandkids. She prayed and prayed to God to see them again. I still remember how many tears Ami shed as she begged God to make her wish come true, to see them again. But God had a different plan. It took 8 years until her wish came true; my sister’s husband had a heart failure and my sister and nieces moved back to my Ami’s home for good. It was the perfect arrangement.  My mother needed support and there was no better caretaker than my sister. They all had a very good understanding of each other and lived happily like a big family.  Both of my nieces called their grandma, Manu. Manu was my Ami’s nickname when she was a little girl. They both respected Manu a lot. My Ami was an active woman so they did everything together and listened to everything she said, whatever she asked for or needed they brought it to her right away.

Slowly with age my Ami’s health start going down. But she was still manageable. Years later one day my mother fell and had a massive stroke. It was Mahvish who saw her first and provided first aid to her.  From that day my Ami’s condition got worse and worse. And she was fully on medical support and needed a fulltime nurse.  None of my sisters and my nieces were medically qualified but that’s when the amazing side of Mahvish came out. Even though she didn’t know much about the medical field she knew her Manu needed help. Very quickly just by watching other nurses she learned by herself how to check blood pressure to properly using a feeding tube to every single thing you can imagine a stroke patient who is on fully on the bed would need. In no time she became a CNA and Nurse without a degree. With Mahvish and family care Ami started making progress. She was able to speak again, was more aware of her surroundings, able to ask for whatever she needed, she was able to move a little bit, she could show her emotions and she had a very positive attitude, she tried on her own to do whatever and as much as she could.

Mahvish was there day and night for her.  She quit her daytime job to be with her Manu. She didn’t care about her own personal life, enjoyment, hanging out with friends or anything like that. Her focus was to provide the best treatment she could. She always fed her first and then she ate. There were countless nights she was up checking Manu making sure she was okay. Ami was not on any kind of life support so she had breathing problems especially during the nighttime. As soon as Mahvish noticed it didn’t matter what time it was, Mahvish was up standing next to her and tried to make it as comfortable as she could for her. Feeding was another issue. Manu didn’t want to eat because she couldn’t chew or swallow easily. It was Mahvish who made sure she finished her meals, even if it took three to four hours.

As soon as we thought she was getting better, everything got worse. She had more strokes and then through the MRI we found out her brain was complete gone and she had an infection in her blood and urine. Slowly she started losing consciousness and went into a vegetative coma. Once I heard about it I came to Karachi to visit her and spend time with my family. I tried to help Mahvish as much as I could. But the way she was taking care of my mother I am proud to say none of us sister could do it. Since Ami was on her bed all the time, she started getting bedsores. At some point her bedsores reached to stage 4, her Doctor had to do a small surgery and clean that area. If you don’t know much about stage 4 bedsores, they are injuries to the skin and tissues caused by pressure, it most commonly occurs to those on bed rest or in a wheel chair. A stage four bedsore means the sore is reaching into the muscle and bone that causes extensive damage and it isn’t easy to take care of. After she had the surgery she needed to change the dressing every other day. I thought I could be that strong like Mahvish but she proved me wrong. Mahvish watched the Doctor at the hospital as he changed the dressing and she was able to do it on her own. The only help she needed to hold Ami’s body because she couldn’t move at all. I remember very well the very first time I was helping Mahvish to change the dressing on Ami. My feet started shaking, and it was so hard to hold Ami. But I was amazed to see how confidently Mahvish was able to do it. That is just one example of her remarkable job of taking care of her Manu.

Ami’s condition was getting worse and worse and we knew her time was near. Mahvish was up many nights up and prayed by her side for many nights. Two days before Ami’s death she had a heart attack and that was an indescribable time for the whole family. Her Doctor told us she would not be able to make it to the hospital. Mahvish couldn’t sleep all night long and prayed and prayed. Her Manu left this world in front of the entire family. Mahvish was reading the Quran loudly and watched her Manu until her breathing stopped. On July 15 2014 at 1:25 AM Ami met her loving God and left this painful world.

Today Mahvish is living in Karachi with her mother and younger sister. She is missing her Manu a lot but is handing this difficult time beautifully. She is beautiful from the inside to out. She takes care of the house, does cleaning and cooking and follows all the rules, which any good girl is supposed to do. Mahvish is funny and loves to laughs and is full of life! But when she cries it’s very difficult to see her. I wish my Mahvish all the best for the future and truly am thankful from the bottom of my heart how she took care of Ami. I wish we would have more girls like Mahvish that are truly caring and love family!