Life is beautiful!: October 2013

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I am Zainab

Recently someone sent me a video of a Saudi woman who fought for her right, which was to drive like any other man in Saudi Arab. There's no actual law against women driving in Saudi Arab, but it's forbidden. Since Saudi is a male dominated country she had to face many challenges but she didn’t quit or give up, she fought for her right and she won! It’s a beautiful, strong woman story, here is the link Manal al-Sharif: A Saudi woman who dared to drive.

The person who sent the link to me also wrote this about me “I watched this video and thought of you, as she is strong, like you”. I appreciate this person for writing nice things about me. I guess others could see me more than I can see myself. Once I watched this video it made me stop and look back to my past. I hardly ever go back to my past or talk about my past. I got so busy after one thing after another and I didn’t realize I had been moving on and my focus had shifted to what’s the next thing I have to take care of. But this video made me look back into my past and see the road I had chosen to walk on, which was really long, rough, hard, uneven, bumpy, under construction, tired, painful, stressful, unknown and very scary. But today after taking a break after a long time and looking back into my past it’s hard to believe I have made it this far we survived.

The women coming from other countries to the states, especially from the Middle East, have been brought up entirely different. We have to fight and stand for our rights over and over and again almost every single day. Things don’t come easily to us. I see here, American woman are free to do whatever they like to do and however they like to live their lives. But in other parts of the world, women’s lives aren’t like that.

I never wanted to get married but instead to finish my education and have a carrier. But that was my unrealistic dream. The culture I grew up in is as soon as girls turned 16 it’s time to get married. At least that was how it was at my home. I didn’t have a father or brother to count on. And having 5 sisters was a burden on our mothers. Our financial situation was really bad; our uncles supported all of us until we got married. Deep down I knew any day my marriage proposal would be coming and I would also get married just like my older sisters whether I wanted to or not.

After I got married and moved to the States, life seemed normal. And I honestly thought this was how the rest of my life would be. My title would be wife and a mother. I completely lost my identity and became what a good Pakistani woman is supposed to do. Her family comes first and then herself, which means her turn never comes; I happily accepted my new life and started living. After thirteen years of marriage, my ex-husband surprised me with the news; he wanted a divorce. First, I went into complete denial, thinking this couldn’t be happening to me. I did everything my culture and my mother taught me to do. But again life isn’t fair. Whether I was ready or not I got divorced. At that time my girls were 6 and 8 years old. I felt very alone, scared, lost, hopeless and helpless. And my life seemed like a huge burden to me.

I had a choice, I could have moved back to Pakistan with my mother or stay in the states with an unknown life. Moving back home didn’t seem right to me, I had seen my mother’s struggles as a woman and a widow. And if I also went home, how would my and my girls’ life be like. I saw two roads in front of me, one was towards Pakistan which seemed easy because I was familiar with the language and the culture. But taking that road told me there would no future for me or for my girls. And we would struggle a lot. Another road was to stay here in the States, which was a completely strange county to me from language to everything. But I felt hope even thought this road was the hard road to choose at that time. I wanted to be near my family and I was all alone in this painful time with my girls.

I was a stay at home wife so I didn’t know anything outside of my house door. And now here I am responsible for everything. My English language was another challenge I had to face. But I took it each day at a time or some days, hour by hour. I didn’t have any friends I could count on. I didn’t know where to start. I was depressed and was responsible for two little girls. How do I make payments to the utilities companies? If I call them what would I say, I didn’t know how to talk in English. But I started trusting myself and believed if any other American woman can do it, why can’t I.

I missed my family deeply that time. When we talked on the phone I lied to them and said we are doing just fine. I couldn’t share my pain with my mother. She was heartbroken when she heard the news about my divorced. I couldn’t give her any more pain. Living alone with two little girls was very scary. During the daytime was okay but as soon as night hit, I hated it and couldn’t wait until the morning. There were many countless nights I was up all night just checking on my girls making sure they were there asleep.

Another challenged I dealt with was our society; it doesn’t give the same respect to divorced women as married women. People had accused me of having affairs with their husbands. One time one man stopped me and said “I saw you in my dream”. I couldn’t believe it. Society looked at divorced women like 2^nd class citizens. As if they could treat divorced woman however they would like to.

I always wanted to finish my education but here I had to improve my English language according to survive. One day after my girls went to school I went to the community college and got all the information in my broken English and before I know it I started taking classes. At first it was strange, from the culture I was coming from you don’t go back to college after you have kids. I had to start from the beginning, but I didn’t care. Slowly my girls and I started doing homework together. My girls really supported me and understood how important education was for their mother. In 2011, I graduated with a four years college degree from the university. I am the first person in my family who got an American education.

Another major challenge I dealt with was the work world. Growing up at my mother’s home I didn’t see anyone working. What I saw was, it was the men’s job to work and women’s place is at home. But something happened after I got married, I didn’t work because my ex-husband was working and I was taking care of the kids and his needs. And now I didn’t have a choice but I didn’t know where to start. I never had a resume or knew what to write in my resume. I struggled a lot but I didn’t quit, I kept asking people about the job and one day I got hired.

I kept putting one foot in front of the other and kept moving on. I didn’t look back and I also didn’t want to. I tell myself, whatever happened is in the past and nobody can change the past, all I have is today. I sacrificed, struggled a lot but I always felt rich every time I looked at my girls. I truly believe because of them I survived. They helped me unconditionally even when they didn’t know why their mother was crying or why there was no money to pay the bills. They always supported me. Today I am proud to say we my girls and I survived and came out stronger. My girls finished high school with honor and pride. They both have dreams to go for the higher education and I wish them all the best.

Today while I am writing this I wonder what if I had chosen to go back to Pakistan; I wonder how my and my girl’s lives would be. For sure it would not be the same. I choice my own path based on as much knowledge I had at that time. I broke the culture circle where after you’re divorced or if you become a widow you go back to your mother’s house. I choice a different path than my own mother and raised both of my girls alone, got a college degree, working fulltime and living my life happily with my girls in the States.

Religion

Two days ago when I went to my twelve years old daughter’s room to say goodnight to her, she asked me, Mom “I need to ask you something “Can I be with Dad and his wife next weekend”? Her question surprised me. Because she was just with her dad, I asked her “Why, what’s going on?” she said, “Next week is Easter, Mom, and I’d like to be with them.” For a few seconds I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t expecting that from her. I took my time and then I said to her, “It’s getting late and you have to get up early for your school. When you come home tomorrow from school then we will talk about this.” It was hard for me because Easter is Christian’s religious day, and Muslim’s do recognize that, but don’t celebrate it. My daughter wanted to celebrate that day.

I made an excuse to her because I didn’t have an answer and I also didn’t know what I was going to say to her when she came home from school. After saying goodnight to her, I went to my bedroom. I sat down on a chair for a while and started thinking. What should I say to her if I say “yes” to her does that mean I am allowing her to celebrate Easter? But how can I say “yes” to her as a Muslim? I told myself, whether I say “yes” or “no” to her; I should have a valid reason. I didn’t have an answer for her question. I was struggling.

I was born in the Islamic country of Pakistan. When I was growing up pretty much everyone had the same beliefs as me. There is only one God but Allah and Prophet Mohammed was his last messenger. Growing up I did know there were more religions, but I didn’t know anything about them. I was taught that the best religion on earth is Islam. I shouldn’t be friends with non-Muslims because their religion is not as strong as Muslims’ beliefs. I honestly believed my religion Islam is the best religion. Growing up I never had doubts about my faith at all. I was pretty young, around 7 or 8, when I stated reading The Quran (Holy book) and started learning how to pray five times a day. I started learning every small detail about my religion. I was told I should never ask questions or have any kinds of doubts about my faith/religion. I knew from day one I had to accept it. I don’t remember even thinking about anything negative about my faith. The elders taught me that the only way to go to heaven is to believe The Quran and Allah’s prophets and we should have blind faith. Allah (God) is the only one. He knows everything inside of the human heart. He made the whole universe. And he is the only one knows about the future of mankind. In comparison to Islam, other religions such as Hinduism, Christianity or Judaism don’t have the same beliefs. After believing all of this, I felt like if I even think about other religious beliefs, I will be committing a sin.

I learned that every Muslim must read the Quran in the Arabic language, which I did. What it says in Quran I learned from my mom, my grandma and from my surroundings. Islam is not just a religion, it also a full culture. It teaches people how to live according to the religion every single-day, such as how to sit, walk, talk, and how to look at the things.

My mother raised me according to the religion. I learned from early age that good girls should follow Islamic rules and also live according to Islam. I was a good girl. I never got in to trouble and never got involved in any kinds of bad habits. Islam was involved in my life every single day. I was so religious that I prayed five times a day, fasted during Ramadan and tried my best to follow all of the pillars of Islam. I don’t remember doing anything or saying anything where I put my mother or my religion down.

I moved to The United States of America when I was eighteen after I got married. I knew America wasn’t a Muslim country. After I moved, then it was up to me how to live according to Islam. It wasn’t easy as it was in Pakistan. But I kept my faith with me. I was proud of myself, until I got divorced three years ago.

I grew up with the mentality that if you live according to Islam, then nothing bad will happen to you. But when I got divorced, I started searching for where did I make a mistake, and I didn’t find any answer. My divorce was unexpected. I had never ever thought I would get divorced. For the longest time I was mad at God. So many questions started coming in my mind and started questions about my faith. I found no answers then and I still don’t find. Why me? I was a good girl, I did or lived how I should; why did I have to go through such horrible pain? I didn’t want to become a single mother, but I had no choice. Those kinds of questions came to my mind. And I noticed I was getting farther each day from my religion. I didn’t want to pray anymore. I wasn’t feeling guilty about it. At some point I didn’t believe there was a God. What I had known about God was nothing but fake beliefs.

Six months after of my divorce, my husband remarried to a Christian woman. Later he converted to Christianity. He and his wife have strong beliefs. They gave girls religious story books to read and also a Bible. When I had my daughters, my ex-husband and I had the same beliefs. I taught them about Islam and took then to mouseq (Islamic center). They knew they were Muslims. But as soon as they were exposed to Christianity, they started asking question to me about both religions, which made me think about my own beliefs. How is it possible that Islam is the only true religion, but Christianity is the number one religion? There must be some truth in it. Was what I had been taught really true or do I need to find out my own?

“Mom do you believe in Jesus, and why don’t you believe in Jesus?” My daughters had fun reading Christian books and they asked me to take them to the bookstore so they could have more books. When they came to me and asked me questions, it wasn’t easy at all. I still remember we were having a dinner and my oldest said to me, “Mom I don’t like going to mosque anymore but if you want me I will go,” I was shocked. Dealing with all of this wasn’t easy at all. I wasn’t raised like that. It was hard for me but at the same time, I didn’t want to force religion on them the way it was forced way on me.

Here I am dealing with my own issues with religion, but as a Muslim mother, I should be teaching them about Islam. No other religion. I noticed I couldn’t teach what I used to believe and I started feeling guilty. I was feeling horrible. I didn’t know what to do. And I still don’t know. But with time I came to the point where I don’t have to find an answer at all. What I did was I took time thought about religion and I found out that my beliefs had been changed and it’s okay, but that doesn’t mean Islam is a bad religion.

After I moved to America, I met many non-Muslims. I used to look at them differently. Because they were non-Muslims, I never allowed myself to know them as a human being and I also never let them know me. I was pretty ignorant and at that time I didn’t know better. That’s what I had learned. But since my divorce happened and this religion issue started between my daughters part of me wanted to know about other religions. I went to churches myself. And spoke to many people about religion. It took me time to come out from my box and start educating myself about what different people believed.

I still feel a little bit guilty but I have come a long way. After meeting many people from different beliefs, I realized, the whole time I was wrong about them. They are just like me. The only difference is that they have their beliefs. I still don’t know which the right religion is, but I do know I do believe in God and there is a God. I also came to the point where it doesn’t matter who believes what, as long as that person is a good human being. Not too long ago I spoke to my daughters and said “we are going to educate ourselves about different religions. But before that I don’t want us to point out anyone, we must respect other religions and we should take it how it is. Who are we to decide who is right or wrong?”

They agreed with me. We went to Borders bookstore and bought a Quran in English language (so we can understand when we are reading it) and a Bible. I noticed I felt good about myself. I wasn’t feeling guilt as much as before. My decision made my daughters happy. It was hard for me. But I felt it that was the right thing to do. The first day after reading both books, my daughter asked me to stay at her room and chat with her a little bit more. I knew she had something to say. She asked me how much I love her. I said, “a lot” but why are you asking me this question? She gave me a big hug and a kiss and said, “Mom I also love you very much.” I can’t explain and I didn’t know my decisions about learning other religions can bring my daughter closer to me.

Yesterday morning 7am, I was busy making coffee and same time making lunches for my girls. Here comes my younger daughter, in to the kitchen and she said, “Good morning mom.” in her pouting voice. I looked at her and said, “Good morning to you too. How are you feeling this morning”? She said, “Not so good, I am tired and I wish I can go back to bed and I don’t have to go to school today.” She grabbed her breakfast, sat on a chair, and quietly started eating. Five minutes later my other daughter came in to the kitchen and after saying good morning to me, she came close to me and said, “Mom remember we were supposed to talk about if I can spend the weekend with Dad but we didn’t. I guess you decided I can’t go right”? Just by looking at her face and into her voice I could sense the disappointment. I grabbed my coffee mug and sat down at the breakfast table and said, to her “Actually no, I have no problem you and your sister spending your weekend with your Dad.” They both looked at me at the same time with surprised face and then both got up from their chairs and screamed for joy and said “Really Mom, we can thank you so much.” They both had big smiles on their faces and looked very happy. Seeing their happy faces made me happy.

Sometime I wish there was no religion on this planet, and people would just be a good people. Or if religion is that important, then everyone should just worship the same God. No division in books or different way of reaching to God. It took me awhile to understand we people shouldn’t be afraid of God because, he loves us so much. He will never hurt or do anything that is not good for us. Religion supposed to bring people closer, but the sad thing is that it dividing people. When my girls grow up I want them to become a good person first and then religious. And I also wish people would love each other for who they are and not what they believe in, and respect each other’s beliefs and not be judgmental.

Singing Butler

One weekend not too long ago, I went to the shopping mall to look around, and have a good time. I walked by one of the art galleries. I wasn’t planning to go inside the store, but when I looked inside, I saw Jack Vettriano’s painting, “The Singing Butler,” hanging on a wall with lots of other nice paintings. That was my first time seeing his painting. I couldn’t stop myself from going inside the gallery. Once inside, I kept looking at it. I had seen romantic paintings but nothing like this one before. Everything about “The Singing Butler” was fascinating to me. There were many more nice paintings at the store, but “The Singing Butler” was the only one which attracted me. After I left the gallery, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I like how Jack Vettriano describes the idea of love and romance in “The Singing Butler” very elegantly in a sophisticated way. The couple is dancing in a passionate but formal way by the shore. There is no living thing around them except their maid and a butler. It’s a near-rainy condition, cloudy and very windy. The couple is so involved with each other they don’t care what’s happening around them. The lady has a beautiful, elegant red evening gown on. She has no sandals or shoes on. She doesn’t seem like she cares. Her feet are in the water, but she sure seems like she’s enjoying it. During their dance, her body leans toward him passionately and in a very elegant way. He has a sharp tuxedo on and looks very handsome and the way he is holding her is in a very chaste, romantic, and charming way.

On the right side of the couple, their butler is standing and singing for them, standing enough distance away so that the couple has room for dancing around. The butler is also holding an umbrella for them at the left side of the couple. Their maid is also standing and holding an umbrella for them in one hand and trying to hold her hat in the other hand. She doesn’t look comfortable because of the rainy weather. But the couple seems fine. They are so involved in each other. They also seem very relaxed and in control like nothing can stop them from dancing. The artist didn’t show their eyes or facial expressions, but their body language suggests they are in deeply love and enjoying each other’s company very much.

The Singing Butler reminded me that as a child growing up, I watched romantic movies and read romantic novels. That left a big mark on me. Without knowing anything about my future husband, I started falling in love with his image. We were in love and we don’t care what was happening around us looking very dashing and perfect.

One day when I got home from school, my mother said, “Go change and freshen up. Someone is coming to see you today.” I had had a long day at school and had so much homework to do, but I also knew this day was coming. I was 16 and finishing high school when my husband‘s marriage proposal came for me. I had never met him before. This was his first time visiting Pakistan since he moved away. During his stay in Pakistan, he came to our home with his father to visit us. He saw me and asked his father to ask my mother and my uncle for my hand. My uncle took care of my sister and my mother since my father passed away. My future husband’s appearance in my life was like a Singing Butler character. The dancing gentleman was tall, good-looking, smart, educated, and my future husband had all those qualities. Neither my mother nor anybody else asked me how I felt about him, even though if she had asked me I couldn’t say no because I didn’t have any choice. My mother’s role was like the maid in the picture. She gave me shelter, took care of me, stood by me, but she herself was weak and wasn’t strong enough to protect her own self. On the other side my uncle’s role was strong, powerful and in control. He seemed like he knew what he was doing like the Butler. That’s why I assumed my family must have thought he was right for me. I was young and had no idea about marriage at all. I didn’t even know much about him especially what kind of person was he.

When I got married my wedding dress was red like the lady’s in the Singing Butler. Growing up I learned the color red symbolized love, passion, and power. When I got married at that time Asian brides wouldn’t allow to wear any other color. But I didn’t think at that time that color red also symbolize danger.

Before I came to States I was excited but at the same time nervous. I had no idea what’s going to happen to me, and how my life is going to be. I came to the United States of America the same year I got married. As soon as I arrived, I noticed that America was a whole different country for me. At first I didn’t find any kind of attraction besides the fact that my husband lived here. I noticed everything was difficult and different, from wearing American clothes to talking to Americans. But I tried my best to adopt everything for my husband. We were legally husband and wife, but inside our house we were living like roommates. We both had our charms like the Singing Butler characters. He was tall, good-looking, smart, rich and from higher class. I was pretty, and attractive. But even though I was unhappy the whole thirteen year of my marriage, I didn’t want to give up my hope.

He had many responsibilities for his parents and sisters; I thought that as soon as his responsibilities were taken care of, everything would be fine. We would live happily ever after just like fairytale movies. But I didn’t know that I was living with in false hopes. He was a successful business man. Most of the community members knew him. In a business world he was powerful and strong. But at home he was pretty much always absent. So many times I hoped that he would show up sometimes and surprise us, when my daughters and I would go to somebody’s house or somewhere without him, but that never happened.

My husband provided me all material things. I had a big and beautiful house to live in, with all kinds of expensive furniture and other things, a nice car, money to spend, but he himself wasn’t available to me. My fairy tale painted ended very soon. An outsider point of view we had a perfect image like “Singing Butler.” Our lifestyles and thinking, our viewpoints, were different. He was Americanized, and I was traditional. I tried hard to fit in his world. But I never felt that I fit in it. He tried, too, but he gave it up pretty soon. We both struggled. After everything I had gone through, my husband gave me a divorce with two young girls.

July, 30 2002, I went to Montreal with my girls to visit my sister for two weeks. I was glad to be home. I missed my home and my husband. Next morning around 8am I was making breakfast and was thinking there is no place like home. My husband walked into the kitchen and said, without looking at me, “I need to talk to you something.” I said, “What is it.” He said, “Not here.” Can we go somewhere right now?” I looked at his face and I saw no expression. I didn’t say anything to him but I thought he must have lost money on business and he wanted me to know. He had just started a new business and he had been struggling. I said, “Let me go and make sure your mother can watch the girls for us.” She was at my house that time. He said, “Don’t worry I already spoke to her. Let’s go.” He opened the front door as soon as he could. I followed him. While we were walking I looked at him few times but he didn’t say anything like he didn’t notice. He took me to the Lake of The Woods Park in his truck and started walking toward the bench who was by the lake. Before I reached the bench, I looked around and the weather was beautiful, some people were walking and I also saw a couple with young kids taking them to toward a park.

He sat dawn on my left side and started looking down like he was looking something. Soon as I sat dawn, he looked at me, and the first sentence came out from his mouth was, “I want a divorce.” As soon as his worlds went in to my ears, I couldn’t say anything. My whole body got numb in second. Non-stop tears started coming. I couldn’t believe it what I just had heard. I hardly could sit. My head was spinning. I wanted to ask him so many questions that were coming on my mind. But I didn’t know what to say. I was in shock. The only thing I could say to him was “But why” and “No I can’t live without you.” Then I looked at him and pointed out to the lake and said, with my tearful eyes and in hopeless voice, “Why you don’t draw me in to lake, I will not complain then giving me a divorce.” I didn’t get it. Why was it that he wanted divorced? I tried to talk to my husband out of getting the divorce. But he did what he wanted. We got divorced.

I waited 14 years for the Singing Butter romance in my marriage, but that never happened. My husband and I, as a couple, were not so different when then compared to the Singing Butler characters. We both had our charm. But now when I look at The Singing Butler painting I look at it differently. First of all my position in my marriage was weak; I was barefooted like a woman in Singing Butler. I didn’t have support underneath my feet. I was leaning on my husband open for him, to take me anywhere he would want to. I didn’t know who I was. I was hiding in my marriage; I was physically there, but my face was hidden. Just like a woman in Singing Butler.

At an early age, from fairytale movies, and romantic novels, I thought my life was going to be likes a Singing Butler. My handsome prince and I would be in love forever. But now as an adult I understand that’s not a real love. Reality is far from fairytale. Those kinds of image only make people feel good for a short time or make them escape from reality for a short time. Now for me love is not what we see in movies or in a painting. Love is compromise, understanding, and respecting each other's view points and also accepting the person as he/she is.

It's a wonderful life

It’s a wonderful life

Yesterday was December the 24^th and the girls were with their father. I didn’t have anywhere to go or anything to do. I hardly ever watch television but last night I decided to relax and watch some television. When I turned it on the 1946 movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” was playing. I had seen this movie before but there was something different about watching it this time. I felt very connected with the character George Bailey. As I was growing up I had dreams just like him. I was always thinking about how far I could go and about how successful I could be. I didn’t want to be like other people. But life isn’t that simple and unexpected things happen.

My name is Zainab. I was born in the low middle class in Karachi, Pakistan. My father passed away when I was three years old. Because of that life for my mother was really hard especially in a male dominant country and being a single mother of five girls under 10 years of age.

I have good values and I did respect others. But I didn’t want to be stuck in the same place for the rest of my life just like George. I had dreams of becoming an actress and a model, however when I was in grade school I decided that when I grew up I would become a medical doctor and moved to a better place. I was young, naïve, and ambitious. I didn’t think about how I would do that or about how much medical school would cost and other such things. I also never wanted to get married until I followed my dreams.

Growing up I was a very shy girl. But I always did the right thing. I loved my mother and my sisters. My older sister was finishing high school when her marriage proposal came and at that time she was only sixteen years old. Six month later she got married. A few years later the same thing happened to my other sisters.

When I turned sixteen it was expected that my marriage proposals would start coming. I started thinking about how I didn’t want to get married until I become a doctor but I didn’t have a voice to raise. Knowing my culture and my mother’s situation, as soon as we all get married the lesser the burden would be. Back then in the Pakistani culture women were supposed to get married as soon as possible.

One day when I got home from school, my mother said, “Go change and freshen up, someone is coming to see you today.” I had had a long day at school and had a lot of homework to do, but I also knew that this day was coming. I was 16 and finishing high school when my husband’s marriage proposal came for me. I had never met him before. He was one of our distant relatives. Nobody asked me what I wanted. But even if they had asked I couldn’t have said no. Saying no would have meant that I was going against my family and my culture. Whether I was ready or not I would have to accept it. That was my first sacrifice. I had to put my dreams of becoming a doctor in the trash. I was forced to start thinking about him instead.

Two years later I made another sacrifice. I left my family, friends and country for my husband and moved to the United Stated of America. I didn’t have a choice in the matter. Everybody else was very happy about it. Compared to Pakistan the United States was heaven. I had never wanted to come to the United States but I came as a bride and now my job was to be a good wife and a good daughter in law. When I looked at my sister in laws who were independent and following their dreams I envied them. I wanted to be just like them. As a Pakistani woman once you got married the second thing that you had to do was have a child. Again it didn’t matter whether I was ready or not. When my first daughter was born that was the happiest day of my life. I felt like she was mine and nobody could take her away from me. Two years later my 2^nd child arrived. I become a full time mother. All of my dreams were at the back of my head. I was a mother and a wife. When my kids started getting older and I started thinking about how much free time I could have. Maybe now I could spend time with my husband and be happy. Unexpected things happened again. I came to the country as a bride for my husband but according to him he wasn’t happy with me and one day he asked me for a divorce.

I was devastated. I didn’t know what to do or where to go. At this point I was twenty nine years old. I had to decide if I wanted to stay in the States all by myself with my girls or should I go back to Pakistan and be close to my family. I decided to stay. I didn’t want to go back. But as a single mother I would be better off in America then back home. I had seen my mother struggle and I didn’t want that for me and my girls.

Having a high education dream is still alive in me. I decided at the age of twenty nine that I would go back to school and get a college degree. I had to start from beginning and it was big challenge for me. I still wanted to become a doctor but that wasn’t practical anymore. Now that I was a single mother of two young girls I had to start supporting us. As soon as I got my Associates Degree I started looking for a job. I applied at many places but nobody would hire me. Someone told me that I could become a substitute aide. My goal was to make money so I become a teacher’s substitute aide. Just like George Bailey I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. But deep down I was struggling. This is not what I wanted my life to be like but I can’t do anything about it.

People asked me if I would get married again they said, “You are beautiful and you are a nice person, you deserve to be happy.” I didn’t have an answer to that question. Once again I didn’t want to be selfish because it wasn’t about me anymore it was about my girls. I didn’t date or bring any guys home. I respected my girls and did fun things with them.

There were days when I hated my situation. I felt trapped, unhappy, sad and very frustrated. I wanted to leave everyone behind and be selfish. But just like in the movie God sent an angel to help George and showed him how many lives are affected by one person, and how lucky he was to have a family, friends and everything else.

Two years ago when the American economy went down it hit my home hard. I started worrying about money all the time. I was depressed and feeling very low. I began seeing my family and friends a lot less. Most of the conversations with my girls were about money. Without realizing it I was giving my insecurities and stress to them. I was in a cranky mood all the time and I was very unhappy and frustrated. I wanted to runaway from everything and everyone but I felt stuck. Last summer at some point my oldest daughter who was fourteen at that time tried very hard but couldn’t take it anymore and everything that was bottled up inside her came out. The first sentence came out from her mouth was “I hate money. I wish people could live without money and be happy. You are always talking about money and I am tired of it.” She went on and on about how much stress she was in and pain due to the money issue. She made me realize how much she missed her mother and just spending time together. She also said, “I don’t care about anything mom I just want us to be happy”. She made me realize what I was doing. I was measuring myself based on money and feeling worth it. She also made me realize how much I meant to my girls and how important they are for me.

Just like George Bailey I felt the heat about going far from my girls and putting money before them. I didn’t like it at all. I also realized that I didn’t have to talk about money all the time. She helped me get back on track and helped me realize how important my family is to me.

A year ago I started accepting everything without blaming anyone. Now I am thirty seven years old living in The States with pride. I am working on my Bachelors degree and although I may never fulfill my dreams I wouldn’t change the events in my life one bit. My girls make me happy and I feel blessed to have them family and friends. We are all healthy compared to many others and are living a pretty good life. There is no guarantee that a medical degree would have provide me with what I have now. Whatever happened must have happened for a good reason and I can say from the bottom of my heart that it’s a wonderful life.

Zainab Susi

December 25, 2009

Purple dress

As soon as Yasmeen walked in to the wedding hall in her purple dress, everyone started looking at her. Some were admiring her beauty, some were ashamed and some didn’t know what to say. It was a mix gathering of Pakistanis and Americans. Most of the Pakistanis were in shock. They had never seen Yesmeen in such a dress, and especially at a Pakistani wedding. That’s why their focus was on her purple dress, not her. No one knew what she was going through. She didn’t want to go to the wedding. But she went for her daughters. It was her last sister-in-law’s wedding. Her sister-in-law was good to her from day one. Yasmeen couldn’t say no to her and of course she didn’t want her kids to know what was going on between their parents.

Two weeks before the wedding, after thirteen years of marriage, she never thought her husband Ali would ask for a divorce. She was only sixteen years old when she met him. He was the first man in her life. And in her mind he was the last one. She left her country, family, and friends for him and moved to the United States of America. Her marriage was arranged. She loved him so much. She was honest and faithful throughout her marriage. Even though she wasn’t getting the respect and love from him that a wife should receive from her husband. Yasmeen was young and naive. She lives how her mother and her culture taught her how to live as a Pakistani wife.

Yasmeen didn’t know how to take the news. In her mind she couldn’t live without Ali. She lived with her parents until she got married. When he gave her the news it was like he had thrown many bombs on her head at the same time. Yasmeen was in so much pain. And her pain was so deep. She felt like Ali took the heart from her chest. She was completely lost and didn’t know which way to turn. She had so much anger toward her culture and her family. According to Pakistani culture, Yasmeen was supposed to wear culture clothes. She was so angry; she chose to wear an American dress. She went to the bridal shop and bought a very pretty, long, sleeveless dress. She had never worn a sleeveless dress before. It wasn’t easy for her to be in this dress in front of Pakistani families. It wouldn’t be issue if she wasn’t a daughter-in-law. Ever since Yasmeen had gotten married to Ali, she felt like it was her responsibility to present her culture. Now, she no longer cared what people would think about her. She wanted people to see her, not her dress.

Ali doesn’t have a brother. Yasmeen was the only daughter-in-law. Ali’s mother wasn’t happy to see her daughter-in-law in an American dress. Yasmeen knew she would not be happy. But she was tired of pleasing everyone. She had never done anything for herself before. It was her first time making a decision with out asking anyone. She was proud, nervous, scared and delicate. At the party, she was sitting and talking to a family friend, Michael. Ali’s mother come up to her and said, “Fix your dress”. Yasmeen looked at her dress and said, “Fix what? That’s how the dress supposed to be”. Yasmeen had never answered her back before. Then Ali’s mother said, “How could you do that? You are my daughter-in-law.” Yasmeen looked at her with hopeless and painful eyes and said, “No, I am not your daughter-in-law anymore. Didn’t your son tell you? He is giving me a divorce”. Ali’s mother knew what was going on but she was in denial. She had high blood pressure. She was mad. She began throwing chairs around and yelling for Ali. Then, she fainted. Everyone was looking at them. Yasmeen didn’t want to be a part of the drama so she left the wedding right away.

Yasmeen was not angry with her, she was hurt. She had a hard time understanding how her mother-in-law, whom she had always treated like her own mother, could care more about her dress and not her feelings. With what she was going through, and after living with her for thirteen years, how can she be so selfish to just think about her and what society will think? For the first time in Yasmeen’s life, she decided to do something for herself. She had always put herself last.

She tried to talk her husband out of getting the divorce. But he did what he wanted. Two years ago, they divorced. It was a horrible time in her life. She was completely lost. After going through all kinds of emotions, one was morning when she got up after an all nights’ sleep. She felt very different when she saw her daughters’ faces. From that moment, she saw the glass as “half-full”. Yasmeen chooses to live for her daughters and for herself. She becomes stronger and stronger every single day. The first thing she did was to write down the things she had always wanted to do. To do what she thought was best and ignore the people that told her she couldn’t. She went back to school to get her college degree. She took up skydiving. She started living with her daughters by herself and with confidence. She worked hard and rose up her self-esteem. She even became model. She had never before had the chance to know who Yasmeen is, what she wanted to do or what makes her happy. She is a great example for her daughters as a single mother from Pakistan. Today she is happily living with her daughters in the States with her head up and following her dreams.

Success through the Challenges

Success through the Challenges
By Zainab Susi

A few weeks ago I received mail from Parkland College asking me to come and give my hat and gown measurement for graduation, which is on May 11, 2007. For the first few minutes, I couldn’t blink. I couldn’t believe it was finally the day I have been waiting for last five years. I started Parkland in 2002, having finished high school 14 years earlier. Just by taking different classes here, I’ve learned so much about myself, other people, and different cultures. The most important thing I’ve learned is how to become a better mother.

I was born and raised in Pakistan. I was pretty ignorant about other cultures and other religions. Through Parkland, I’ve learned that it’s okay to have cultural and religious differences between people as long as people respect each other and are not judgmental. I have also noticed that, because of my new education, my self-esteem has increased and I feel good about myself. I am also more aware of the things going on all around me, and I have become a more positive person.

In the culture in which I was raised, a woman’s life is pretty limited. She doesn’t go back to school later in her life. Her job is to stay at home and take care of the family. I never agreed with that; I wanted to challenge myself. When I decided to go back to school and finish my education, therefore, it was not as easy as it sounds. I feel lucky I moved to the United States where women are not limited.

I started Parkland when I became a single mother of two daughters. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to quit school. So many times I would sit in my classroom and have no idea what my teachers were talking about. Some days were overwhelming and it was a big adjustment for me and for my girls. The only reason I didn’t quit was my promise to myself. It took awhile, but eventually my daughters and I started enjoying school. We would do our homework together and talk about school at the dinner table. They came to realize their mother was also a student just like them. I am very proud of my daughters. They didn’t make it hard for me; in fact, they tried their best to make it easy. If I had exams or had to study, they would cook dinner many times without letting me know.

When I enrolled at Parkland I had to start from the beginning. First, I took all of the English as a Second Language courses offered. Parkland’s ESL program is extraordinary; I had fun taking the classes. I got the chance to meet friends of many different nationalities, which I never had a chance to do before. I still keep in touch through e-mail and phone with the ones who have gone back to their home countries; I even went to Germany recently to visit a friend I met in 2002. I value all the lifelong friends I’ve made at Parkland.

I feel lucky I got the chance to educate myself. Getting an associate’s degree was my goal when I enrolled at Parkland, but now I have a new goal: to pursue a bachelor’s degree. Parkland helped me to find my way and gave me the confidence to succeed in higher education. I feel like a whole new person since I came to Parkland!

Guiding Angels/Friends

When we are born we don’t pick or decide who our family is. They all have names and we are connected by blood. But there is another special connection we make with people than come sometimes be stronger than blood, friendship.

It doesn’t matter where you are from, what language you speak, what food you eat or what your social status is. Friendship is like wine in that it only gets better with age. Many people say that I don’t have many friends and I don’t make friends easily. Making friends shouldn’t be a job, be who you are and the right friend will come naturally.

We don’t need lots of friends to know that you are a good and normal person. As an adult you only need a few good friends who truly care for you and accept you as you are. When trying to make friends, we should be open minded and not judge others without knowing anything about them. It takes time to get to know someone, especially in the society we are living right now. I feel like most people would love to make more friends but people are wearing fake masks and so you never know who your “friend” truly is.

I am lucky to have always been blessed with great friends. When I moved to the U.S I couldn’t speak proper English but I made friends from, Korea, China, Japan, Germany, Mexico, American, Africa, all over.

I have never had one best friend. Anytime I need something they are the there for us. I don’t talk to every single friend every week. Sometimes months go by and we don’t talk, but when we do it’s as if nothing has changed.

I am not a religious person but I do believe that there is a greater power and that there are angels. Growing up, I thought angels lived in heaven, and only wore white colored clothing. My mother told me many stories about angels and I always envied and admired their beauty, I always wanted to meet them. My child mind told me I can’t meet angels, they live in heaven and only come to earth when someone needs help, only special people can see them.

And now as an adult, I am lucky to have met with angels many times and I feel pretty special. They are everywhere and look just like us, but we call them friend.

There are times when I have to call my angels/friends and they come right away to support, listen, guide, cry, laugh or simply just be there with me. They never ask for anything in return and the only wish they have for me is to be happy. I am blessed to have great angels/friends in my life.

I just want you all to know how much your friendship means to me and from the bottom of my heart I am thankful to all of my angels!

Budgeting

Recently I ran into an article and it caught my attention. It’s called, “How a Family of Four Manages to Live Well on Just $14,000 Per Year”. Honestly I was impressed and envied them. I don’t know this family and I know every situation and circumstances are different. But millions of American’s are struggling and somehow we all relate to it. Nothing is hiding, we all know how bad US economy is and how families are struggling/surviving. It’s a very difficult time for many families.

When I read this article, I started thinking what smart people. They use their money wisely and carefully. The whole family was like a team and they understood what was going on and how can they support each other. I believe the number one key to saving money is being one team. And every single person, young or adult should take full responsibility for their action good or bad. I am also one of those American families who have been struggling. My girls and I have been a team and we learned the difference between need and want. And once you get the difference you would be surprise to see how many things we buy not because it was our need but because we wanted it.

In college I took a class called, consumer education. I learned a lot from it. One of the assignments was to not do grocery shopping for a week and use whatever is left in our fridge and pantry. Every other month or so I do that and believe it or not, most of us do have enough food in our fridge and pantry, we can skip one week grocery shopping easily. Another thing I learned is to write down every single penny you are spending. And at the end of the month sit down and do the math and see how much you spent. It has been almost 3 years now since I took that class and it has been become my habit to write it down everything. Once you have it front of you, you can be your own financial adviser and see how much you are spending and where.

Every single penny counts. It’s very easy to get off the track, but practice makes perfect and then it becomes a habit. From an article, “They budget $400 for groceries each month and that's it. "Once that $400 is gone, it is gone," she writes. "There are no extra shopping trips made because there is no more money." I believe there are many ways to save money call your utilities company and asked for promotions, use coupons, buy store brands, research before we purchase and be your own financial adviser. You are the one running the house so start thinking how to spend less. There are many small things or changes we can make to save some extra money and that adds up.

I grew up very poor and there were many nights my mother, sisters and I had sleep with empty stomachs. When I think about that time, and compare it to now, I feel rich. Honestly compared too many other nations, many Americans are still doing well. We all know how important money is but our happiness is within us. Money can’t buy happiness. My mother always put us first and she always gave us hope. Even though we were very poor, my mother was very careful when she was talking to us about money. She wanted us to feel love rather than stress about money. And she succeeded. We all know nothing stays the same. All you can do it hope for the best, and for many of us tomorrow will be a better day. Be a team and believe we are all in this together and support each other as much as you can. Here is the link http://finance.yahoo.com/news/how-a-family-of-four-manages-to-live-well-on-just--14-000-per-year-174803218.html. Happy budgeting!

The identity thief

I used to be one of those people who never thought that my identity could be stolen. When I watched TV commercials about identity theft I used to think it was for people who weren’t careful with their personal information, but I was wrong. I see now that identity theft is real and happens everywhere. I know understand it much more, being that this recently happened to me.

If you are a single parent or someone with lots of responsibilities you will understand that taking care of everything isn’t easy at all. We juggle a lot and try to do our best in all areas, but sometimes it’s not possible and you miss important things. I am someone who is a very careful and cautious person. Along with my other responsibilities I manage my finances as well. But in reality it’s not easy to see where you are spending every single penny. Unless, at the end of each month, before you pay your bills, you sit down and do your own math and then make the payments. That requires time and energy, something many of us don’t have.

I have been using my American Express card for more than a decade and have never had a problem with it. I use that card a lot so I can earn points. With my life style I never pay full attention on each item, I do my own math before I make payments but only with a quick glance. My eyes mostly go to the big numbers. Three months ago, my daughter moved out so I got some extra time. As many of you know when you are busy, you don’t have time to think about anything extra but as soon as you get a break your attention goes to the small things that may have slipped your mind before.

During my winter break, I paid more attention to the bills and noticed that there was a charge on my card. I thought my daughter must have bought something, so I just had to make the payment. The following month, I didn’t use that card at all but received the charge again. I called my daughter and asked her what she was buying each month for the same amount. She said, “Mom, I don’t use the American Express card at all. The last time I used it was when I was with you in Illinois”. That made me very concerned. Right a way I called American Express and asked about the charge. They told me that it was a, “electronic payment setup”. She then asked, “You don’t remember setting it up? I said, “No, I have never done any electronic payment setup”. Then I asked her where my money is going she said, the company name is Experian and it’s not in Illinois. At this point I was feeling very stressed and worried. I have never heard about this company name before. She then told me this company checks credit each month. She told that they have been charging me for the last six months.

I started feeling really nervous. Someone has been using my card for the last six months and I had no clue about it. I was getting upset at myself. The fraud department lady was very nice. She told me that she was canceling my card and in two days I would get a new card along with all of my credit for the past 6 months.

The next morning I called the company “Experian” and asked where they got my information. They told me they had my card information but in a different name. A name I have never heard of. After I told them it wasn’t me, they canceled that account and also offered the entire amount that had been charged on my card. I wasn’t very concerned about the money but rather about the identity theft.

I never thought this could happen to me. I am very careful about providing my personal information and never thought someone could get it. Please be careful and learn from my experience. When you get your credit card bill check it twice, and make sure the charges are correct. I made a mistake not taking the time to go over each charge. Don’t take identity theft lightly it’s real and is happening to many people.