When my girls and started living alone, at first it was pretty scary. I wanted my girls and I to feel comfortable living alone even thought that time they were only 7 and 8 years old. I signed up for Taekwondo class so they could learn self-defence and get exercise and also to keep them away from trouble. The tkd place was quite far from our home. When I took them there, I always stayed there and watch them learning tkd. This class was for all ages. There was many time I thought, “ what am I doing bringing my girls here, waiting and watching them; why don’t I join them”?
But there was something inside of me stopped me. Maybe it was my upbringing, Muslim religion or the culture I grew up in. There was this voice back of my mind telling me that, a woman's job is to take care of her family and kitchen. I never minded taking care of my family or cooking but I also wanted to do the things what I wanted to do. My girls’ tks instructor was also Muslim and was from Egypt, and he understood the religion and the culture part. One day I got the courage and I asked him if I could join. Of Course he said ”yes”. Before I knew it, we three of us were learning tkd together, and it was so much fun for us.
I didn’t care about the belts, but to have confidence, exercise and doing something together with my girls. At some point my girls go busy with their school and after-school activities and they decided to quit tkd. I quite too. But I always missed it. Two years later, when my oldest got driver's licence, I decided to go back to tkd. I was happy again. Without my girls it wasn’t same, but I was getting my exercise. There was many times due to the busy lifestyle I had quit tkd, but I always missed it. But I always go back.
Every six months or so, we have to take next belt exam. I didn’t care about the next belt, but with time I kept getting higher and higher belts. Last year when I got my red belt I was so in shock and was happy and excited because after red belt is black belt. I didn’t think I could even make it to the red belt. Here is something about my instructor he noticed: I lack confidence in myself. He always tells me “don’t doubt yourself and have confidence in you”.
Before we get our next belt, there is a exam we have to pass. Before my exams I always e-mail him and ask him, “Do I have to take exam”? and tell him, “I am not ready and I can’t do it”. He always replied back with positive and encouraging words. Every belt I received I deserved it I truly worked hard. Back in November, 2014 he told me and the other students, “ your black belt exam is coming up soon and here are the requirements”. Black belt exam requirements are higher than other requirements. Once again I was doubting myself but couldn’t believe I’m this close to get my first degree belt belt. He told me he will fully support me as long as I put 100 percent and have confidence in yourself.
That was and still my problem. I thought I was doing my best, but two weeks ago, he email to the students going for the exam, “I would like to inform you that at this point, we are holding off for the black belt exam. I can tell very well that unfortunately this group of students are not ready yet mentally to fulfill the requirements of one of the most prestigious exam in the world. From now on, I will keep watching this group in an individual level ( no more group exam), and who ever is ready mentally, physically and technically, to earn the black belt, I will be more than happy to handle her this honorably and prestigious degree”.
Of Course I wasn’t happy about that, but I had to be honest with myself. I was going to quit but at the sametime I know I am not a quitter, so that was not even as option for me. And quieting means I am choosing easy way out. And for sure no black belt for me. And I thought I was doing my best and was putting 100 percent. But I know I wasn’t. My best wasn't enough. I wasn’t upset at him at all because he is right. I was upset at myself. Here is something about me. I get distracted pretty easily and I don’t like that side of me. And when I am distracted it’s so easy for me to get off the wagon. And I know this isn’t any belt; it’s a black belt. He tells us “ having a black belt is like having a weapon without a licence”. When and how I can be ready mentally, physically and technically, I don’t know. I am trying but is trying or doing our best is enough? I guess not.
My whole point of writing this story is when I first started tkd I didn't’ care about the belts but now I do and I am proud to say I am a martial arts student. And it has been 11 years since my girls and I living alone with conference because of taekwondo. BIG THANK YOU TO MY INSTRUCTOR, HANY YOUSSEF! If something is really important for you, you will work hard to get it. And never think you can’t do it. Yes, you can. Right Now my goal is get my black belt and I don’t know when but I will get it.
...on May 11, 2015 I received my first degree black belt! :-)
