I am Zainab
Recently someone sent me a video
of a Saudi woman who fought for her right, which was to drive like any other
man in Saudi Arab. There's no actual law against women driving in Saudi Arab, but it's forbidden. Since Saudi is a
male dominated country she had to face many challenges but she didn’t quit or
give up, she fought for her right and she won! It’s a beautiful, strong woman
story, here is the link Manal al-Sharif: A
Saudi woman who dared to drive.
The person who sent the link to me
also wrote this about me “I watched this video and thought of you, as she is
strong, like you”. I appreciate this person for writing nice things about me. I
guess others could see me more than I can see myself. Once I watched this
video it made me stop and look back to my past. I hardly ever go back to my
past or talk about my past. I got so busy after one thing after another and I
didn’t realize I had been moving on and my focus had shifted to what’s the next
thing I have to take care of. But this video made me look back into my past and
see the road I had chosen to walk on, which was really long, rough, hard,
uneven, bumpy, under construction, tired, painful, stressful, unknown and very scary.
But today after taking a break after a long time and looking back into my past
it’s hard to believe I have made it this far we survived.
The women coming from other
countries to the states, especially from the Middle East, have been brought up
entirely different. We have to fight and stand for our rights over and over and
again almost every single day. Things don’t come easily to us. I see here,
American woman are free to do whatever they like to do and however they like to
live their lives. But in other parts of the world, women’s lives aren’t like
that.
I never wanted to get married but
instead to finish my education and have a carrier. But that was my unrealistic
dream. The culture I grew up in is as soon as girls turned 16 it’s time to get
married. At least that was how it was at my home. I didn’t have a father or
brother to count on. And having 5 sisters was a burden on our mothers. Our
financial situation was really bad; our uncles supported all of us until we got
married. Deep down I knew any day my marriage proposal would be coming
and I would also get married just like my older sisters whether I wanted to or
not.
After I got married and moved to
the States, life seemed normal. And I honestly thought this was how the rest of
my life would be. My title would be wife and a mother. I completely lost my
identity and became what a good Pakistani woman is supposed to do. Her family
comes first and then herself, which means her turn never comes; I happily
accepted my new life and started living. After thirteen years of marriage, my
ex-husband surprised me with the news; he wanted a divorce. First, I went into
complete denial, thinking this couldn’t be happening to me. I did everything my
culture and my mother taught me to do. But again life isn’t fair. Whether I was
ready or not I got divorced. At that time my girls were 6 and 8 years old. I
felt very alone, scared, lost, hopeless and helpless. And my life seemed like a
huge burden to me.
I had a choice, I could have moved
back to Pakistan with my mother or stay in the states with an unknown life.
Moving back home didn’t seem right to me, I had seen my mother’s struggles as a
woman and a widow. And if I also went home, how would my and my girls’ life be
like. I saw two roads in front of me, one was towards Pakistan which seemed
easy because I was familiar with the language and the culture. But taking that
road told me there would no future for me or for my girls. And we would
struggle a lot. Another road was to stay here in the States, which was a
completely strange county to me from language to everything. But I felt hope
even thought this road was the hard road to choose at that time. I wanted to be
near my family and I was all alone in this painful time with my girls.
I was a stay at home wife so I
didn’t know anything outside of my house door. And now here I am responsible
for everything. My English language was another challenge I had to face. But I
took it each day at a time or some days, hour by hour. I didn’t have any
friends I could count on. I didn’t know where to start. I was depressed and was
responsible for two little girls. How do I make payments to the utilities
companies? If I call them what would I say, I didn’t know how to talk in
English. But I started trusting myself and believed if any other American woman
can do it, why can’t I.
I missed my family deeply
that time. When we talked on the phone I lied to them and said we are doing
just fine. I couldn’t share my pain with my mother. She was heartbroken when
she heard the news about my divorced. I couldn’t give her any more pain. Living
alone with two little girls was very scary. During the daytime was okay but as
soon as night hit, I hated it and couldn’t wait until the morning. There were
many countless nights I was up all night just checking on my girls making sure
they were there asleep.
Another challenged I dealt with was our society; it doesn’t give the same
respect to divorced women as married women. People had accused me of having
affairs with their husbands. One time one man stopped me and said “I saw you in
my dream”. I couldn’t believe it. Society looked at divorced women like 2nd class citizens. As if they could
treat divorced woman however they would like to.
I always wanted to finish my education but here I had to improve my English
language according to survive. One day after my girls went to school I went to
the community college and got all the information in my broken English and
before I know it I started taking classes. At first it was strange, from the
culture I was coming from you don’t go back to college after you have kids. I
had to start from the beginning, but I didn’t care. Slowly my girls and I
started doing homework together. My girls really supported me and understood
how important education was for their mother. In 2011, I graduated with a four
years college degree from the university. I am the first person in my family
who got an American education.
Another major challenge I dealt with was the work world. Growing up at my
mother’s home I didn’t see anyone working. What I saw was, it was the men’s job
to work and women’s place is at home. But something happened after I got
married, I didn’t work because my ex-husband was working and I was taking care
of the kids and his needs. And now I didn’t have a choice but I didn’t know
where to start. I never had a resume or knew what to write in my resume. I
struggled a lot but I didn’t quit, I kept asking people about the job and one
day I got hired.
I kept putting one foot in front of the other and kept moving on. I didn’t look
back and I also didn’t want to. I tell myself, whatever happened is in the past
and nobody can change the past, all I have is today. I sacrificed, struggled a
lot but I always felt rich every time I looked at my girls. I truly believe
because of them I survived. They helped me unconditionally even when they
didn’t know why their mother was crying or why there was no money to pay the
bills. They always supported me. Today I am proud to say we my girls and I
survived and came out stronger. My girls finished high school with honor and
pride. They both have dreams to go for the higher education and I wish them all
the best.
Today while I am writing this I wonder what if I had chosen to go back to
Pakistan; I wonder how my and my girl’s lives would be. For sure it would not
be the same. I choice my own path based on as much knowledge I had at that
time. I broke the culture circle where after you’re divorced or if you become a
widow you go back to your mother’s house. I choice a different path than my own
mother and raised both of my girls alone, got a college degree, working
fulltime and living my life happily with my girls in the States.
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