It’s a wonderful life
Yesterday was
December the 24th and the girls were with their father. I didn’t
have anywhere to go or anything to do. I hardly ever watch television but last
night I decided to relax and watch some television. When I turned it on the 1946
movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” was playing. I had seen this movie before but
there was something different about watching it this time. I felt very connected
with the character George Bailey. As I was growing up I had dreams just like
him. I was always thinking about how far I could go and about how successful I
could be. I didn’t want to be like other people. But life isn’t that simple and unexpected
things happen.
My name is Zainab.
I was born in the low middle class in Karachi, Pakistan.
My father passed away when I was three years old. Because of that life for my mother
was really hard especially in a male dominant country and being a single mother
of five girls under 10 years of age.
I have good values
and I did respect others. But I didn’t want to be stuck in the same place for
the rest of my life just like George. I had dreams of becoming an actress and a
model, however when I was in grade school I decided that when I grew up I would
become a medical doctor and moved to a better place. I was young, naïve, and
ambitious. I didn’t think about how I would do that or about how much medical
school would cost and other such things. I also never wanted to get married
until I followed my dreams.
Growing up I was a very shy girl. But I always
did the right thing. I loved my mother
and my sisters. My older sister was finishing high school when her marriage
proposal came and at that time she was only sixteen years old. Six month later
she got married. A few years later the same thing happened to my other sisters.
When I turned
sixteen it was expected that my marriage proposals would start coming. I
started thinking about how I didn’t want to get married until I become a doctor
but I didn’t have a voice to raise. Knowing my culture and my mother’s situation,
as soon as we all get married the lesser the burden would be. Back then in the Pakistani culture women were
supposed to get married as soon as possible.
One
day when I got home from school, my mother said, “Go change and freshen up, someone
is coming to see you today.” I had had a long day at school and had a lot of
homework to do, but I also knew that this day was coming. I was 16 and finishing
high school when my husband’s marriage proposal came for me. I had never met
him before. He was one of our distant relatives. Nobody asked me what I wanted.
But even if they had asked I couldn’t have said no. Saying no would have meant
that I was going against my family and my culture. Whether I was ready or not I
would have to accept it. That was my first sacrifice. I had to put my dreams of
becoming a doctor in the trash. I was forced to start thinking about him
instead.
Two years later I
made another sacrifice. I left my family, friends and country for my husband
and moved to the United Stated of America. I didn’t have a choice in the matter.
Everybody else was very happy about it. Compared to Pakistan
the United States
was heaven. I had never wanted to come to the United
States but I came as a bride and now my job
was to be a good wife and a good daughter in law. When I looked at my sister in
laws who were independent and following their dreams I envied them. I wanted to
be just like them. As a Pakistani woman once you got married the second thing
that you had to do was have a child. Again it didn’t matter whether I was ready
or not. When my first daughter was born that was the happiest day of my life. I
felt like she was mine and nobody could take her away from me. Two years later
my 2nd child arrived. I become a full time mother. All of my dreams
were at the back of my head. I was a mother and a wife. When my kids started
getting older and I started thinking about how much free time I could have. Maybe
now I could spend time with my husband and be happy. Unexpected things happened
again. I came to the country as a bride for my husband but according to him he
wasn’t happy with me and one day he asked me for a divorce.
I was devastated.
I didn’t know what to do or where to go. At this point I was twenty nine years
old. I had to decide if I wanted to stay in the States all by myself with my
girls or should I go back to Pakistan
and be close to my family. I decided to stay. I didn’t want to go back. But as
a single mother I would be better off in America
then back home. I had seen my mother struggle and I didn’t want that for me and
my girls.
Having a high education
dream is still alive in me. I decided at the age of twenty nine that I would go
back to school and get a college degree. I had to start from beginning and it
was big challenge for me. I still wanted to become a doctor but that wasn’t
practical anymore. Now that I was a single mother of two young girls I had to
start supporting us. As soon as I got my
Associates Degree I started looking for a job. I applied at many places but
nobody would hire me. Someone told me that I could become a substitute aide. My
goal was to make money so I become a teacher’s substitute aide. Just like
George Bailey I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. But deep down
I was struggling. This is not what I wanted my life to be like but I can’t do
anything about it.
People asked me if
I would get married again they said, “You are beautiful and you are a nice
person, you deserve to be happy.” I didn’t have an answer to that question. Once
again I didn’t want to be selfish because it wasn’t about me anymore it was about
my girls. I didn’t date or bring any guys home. I respected my girls and did
fun things with them.
There were days
when I hated my situation. I felt trapped, unhappy, sad and very frustrated. I
wanted to leave everyone behind and be selfish. But just like in the movie God
sent an angel to help George and showed him how many lives are affected by one
person, and how lucky he was to have a family, friends and everything else.
Two years ago when
the American economy went down it hit my home hard. I started worrying about
money all the time. I was depressed and feeling very low. I began seeing my
family and friends a lot less. Most of the conversations with my girls were
about money. Without realizing it I was giving my insecurities and stress to
them. I was in a cranky mood all the time and I was very unhappy and
frustrated. I wanted to runaway from everything and everyone but I felt stuck. Last summer at some point my oldest daughter
who was fourteen at that time tried very hard but couldn’t take it anymore and
everything that was bottled up inside her came out. The first sentence came out
from her mouth was “I hate money. I wish people could live without money and be
happy. You are always talking about money and I am tired of it.” She went on
and on about how much stress she was in and pain due to the money issue. She
made me realize how much she missed her mother and just spending time together.
She also said, “I don’t care about anything mom I just want us to be happy”.
She made me realize what I was doing. I was measuring myself based on money and
feeling worth it. She also made me realize how much I meant to my girls and how
important they are for me.
Just like George
Bailey I felt the heat about going far from my girls and putting money before
them. I didn’t like it at all. I also realized that I didn’t have to talk about
money all the time. She helped me get back on track and helped me realize how
important my family is to me.
A year ago I started
accepting everything without blaming anyone. Now I am thirty seven years old living
in The States with pride. I am working on my Bachelors degree and although I
may never fulfill my dreams I wouldn’t change the events in my life one bit. My
girls make me happy and I feel blessed to have them family and friends. We are
all healthy compared to many others and are living a pretty good life. There is
no guarantee that a medical degree would have provide me with what I have now.
Whatever happened must have happened for a good reason and I can say from the
bottom of my heart that it’s a wonderful life.
Zainab Susi
December 25, 2009
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