My family!

​Twenty five years ago, when I married my ex-husband I met his three sisters and parents. I moved to the U.S. the same year we got married. At that time I didn’t have any of my own family members who were living in the U.S. We lived together with his family for 10 years, it was part of the Pakistani culture, living with your in-laws, and I was okay with that. Everyone was very nice to me and they all welcomed me with open arms. 

​With time we all started getting to know each other more and getting closer. Time passed by and I had my daughters. My daughters were the first grandchildren in the family. Every single member of the family gave unconditional love to them. I felt blessed and lucky for my girls with how much love they received from their family. Meanwhile my eldest sister-in-law got married and a few years later my other sisters-in-law got married too. All of their husbands are Americans. 

​At first it was a huge change for the entire family because from a culture perspective if you are Pakistani, you are supposed to married a pakistani. Marrying an American man was not acceptable. Honestly it was a big adjustment for everyone. But with time the family started accepting them as they are, not based on their skin color.  As it turned, out they are all beautiful human beings who care a great deal about the family. 

​My ex-husband and I were married for almost 13 years when we got divorced. But, my in-laws including my sisters-in-law’s husbands didn’t take sides. They all tried to support both of us. I am still amazed that they did that, and found a balance

In the culture I came from you don’t support both sides, you support your blood relations no matter who is right or wrong. That was not the case at my home. I am proud to say my entire in-laws family are very beautiful people. They did what felt right to them. 

I have been divorced for almost 10 years now. My father-in-law passed away. But my mother-in-law is and will always be part of my life. Our divorce took a huge toll on her. Since her mentality is more traditional, it’s sad to say Pakistani culture is very judgmental. She was worried about what would people say to her. But with time she also grew and learned that it didn’t matter what other people thought. She never treated me differently, in fact she actually started calling me her 4th daughter and treats me just like her own daughter today.  I have so much respect for her. I know our divorce was really hard on her. But she made it and came out stronger than ever. 

My ex-husband got remarried, but the relationship we have today is completely separate to the relationship I have with his family. My relationship with them is stronger than ever. They are all a huge part of my family and I feel very lucky to say my girls and I are part of their families. Growing up I didn’t have a brother and my ex-husband is the only son in the family. But all three of my sisters-in-law’s husbands are like my own brothers. They are all very nice, caring people. Their respect, care, and love towards me and my girls is priceless. 

During my divorce my middle sister in-law was getting married. I had decided I wouldn’t go to her wedding because I am not the sister-in-law anymore. But when she found out I was not planning on going she visited me and said that she wanted me to come to her wedding not as a sister-in-law but as her own sister. They always included me in everything and never made me feel as though I wasn’t part of the family anymore. They are all the best people I know. 

It would be unfair if I don’t say anything about my eldest sister-in-law Ameena and her husband Adam. I remember very clearly when I arrived in the U.S I didn’t know much about marriage or about life in America. At that time Ameena was single and a college student. I don’t know if she remembers this but one day she came to me and said to me that, “if my brother ever put his hands on you, you tell me and I will take you far from him”. At that time I didn’t understand why she was saying this to me. Her  brother had never and never did harm me, but her words gave me security. Later I understood that many men physically abuse their wives and think that’s okay to do it, she was looking out for me from the very beginning. 

Ameena watched me grow in front of her. She never ever left my side. Even during my divorce she supported me like any good sister and friend would do. She would call me every single morning to check on me and make sure I was okay. She is like a second mother to my girls. Her heart is full of love and care, and her husband Adam is another beautiful human. 

Here is the unique side of Adam. He is my girls uncle but he is not just an uncle, he is like a father figure to my girls and my girls respect him a lot. Adam’s behavior towards me is like any good brother’s behavior. He doesn’t have to talk to me at all, I am his wife’s brother’s ex-wife. But he doesn’t care about the connection. He looks at me as if I am his sister, regardless of complex familial relations. Any kind of help I need whether it’s about my home, insurance, or anything I can call Ameena and Adam and they are there to help me. I feel blessed and truly lucky to have them as family. 

I was young when I got married and moved to the U.S. and my mentally was pretty traditional then. I grew up in front of all of them and I give the credit to my second family, who helped me grow. They never left my side and showed that they truly care for me and for my girls. 25 years later knowing all of them make me proud, because they created a new tradition and mentality where you don’t have to follow society’s rules. Create your own based on what is right for your family. You can still be nice, respectful and loving towards your ex-sister-in-law. A family doesn’t have to be torn apart because of one decision. To me that’s the true meaning of family, where you don’t need blood or legal documents connecting each other, the bond is so strong nothing can destroy it. I absolutely love every single one of my family members and am grateful to them from the bottom of my heart!