Absolutely no securities

All my life I’ve  tired to chase securities. Growing up without a father and a brother was very hard, and top of that the culture didn't make it easy for a single mother and for her girls. I put all of my securities into my mother. And recently when she passed away, that’s what made me realized how insecure I am.  Growing up I had lots of dreams. I was excited to reach them but soon I didn't have a choice but to pick a different route, get married and move into a brand new culture. When I first moved to the states I didn't know anything about my new life. But slowly I started getting use to it and started feeling comfortable and secure. I thought my marriage would give me security.  But before I got too comfortable I found myself with absolutely no security and with two girls. I had to start all over and didn't know where to start. It was almost like I was sitting in the desert and everywhere I looked, it looked the same. But the choice I had was to stay feeling sorry for myself or get up and start walking again. I chose to get up.  I started taking baby steps. I went back to school and got my college degree, thinking it would give me security. I struggled in the work world too. And even now I have a full time job, but you never know, anything can happen and I could lose my job.

When I was raising my girls alone I had all kinds of unknown fears about their teen years, and each day I worked hard and my girls made me proud. But anything could have happened and there was nothing I could do about it. All the bad things weren't far enough from them. Yes I have a house to live in but I am paying mortgage and if I miss one month payment there goes that security, too.

We all know anything can happen to anyone and anytime but we all like to feel secure. I was one of those people who was always looking for security but never found it. I met many men and thought this is it but I was wrong, none of them could give me security and 10 years later I am still single. And I am okay with that.

Here I live far away from my family. During my mother’s sickness every time the phone rang my heart dropped thinking it’s bad news. I knew I would be there with her when she passed but those 15 months was like hell. The more I like to feel secure the more I am realizing there is absolutely no security out there. I am finally ready to accept what I had been chasing was like a bubble and the more I was trying to get closer and closer it gets further away from me.

I have gone through a lot in my life; I really understand what the real meaning of life is now. And also I am very attached to my feelings and I try to understand what’s happening and why. This may sound weird to some of you or it may not but I don’t know what normal feels like anymore. I became a caretaker, worrier and problem solver and much more.

Here is my New Year goal for 2015. I’ve lived 42 years of my life without any kind of security and thought I was secure but I was holding on to false hope. But now I have decided instead of living in denial I am accepting and realizing there is absolutely no security for anything. And I want to start the New Year with a fresh mentality and live my life without holding on to any kind of false hope and believe in myself that I can make it. I made it this far so why can’t I still make it with a new hope, positive attitude and with absolutely no security at all.  

To my readers, at this moment I am sitting at my desk with tears rolling down my face. My heart is trying to make me scared but my strong brain is in control and telling myself yes, I am going to have many hard days but I have to have courage and hope for the best and the most important one is to believe I have made it this far with false securities, why can’t I make it with being honest and trust in myself.

If you are one of those like myself, let’s do this together! Let us all let go of our fears, pain, worries, negative attitudes, hurt, unnecessary drama, bad relationships, abuse, and the most important one our past. Lets all start fresh with a new attitude, hope for the best and trust in yourself. You can do it! I wish you all the best and remember you aren't alone. I am with you and I need you!