Since growing up 35-40 years ago, I heard from my elders and personally experienced how husbands treat their wives with no respect at all. Instead of that they look and treat them as their property and control them physically, emotionally and psychologically. But they accepted their wives to take care of their parents, do all of the house chores, take care of the kids, fulfill everyone needs and she was not allowed to complain to him or anyone but to keep it inside, instead just to show everyone how happy she is with him.
Fortunately not all men are like that but most of them are. I remember very well as soon as I moved to the States one day my oldest sister in-law came to me and said, “if my brother ever abuses you physically you let me know and I will take you far away and protect you”. At that time I was 18 years old but before I even got married I had decided I would never ever put up with that kind of abuse from my husband. But in the new country her words gave me huge security. Even then and even now my ex-husband knew better and treats me with respect. Yes, I got divorced but in 13 years of marriage he never abused me.
Since I moved to the states 25 years ago, I thought and heard that things started changing. The older generation learned from their own experience that things were wrong and that’s why they wanted the younger generation to get a higher education, especially the girls. I also heard that couples have become more aware about respecting each other and don’t cross each other’s boundaries. Arrange marriages were and are still common. However, there was a time when couples first saw and talked to each other the night they got married. But later on parents started meeting with he or she with their family and if they think he or she and family is suitable for their son or daughter, they would let them know and then they are the ones who make the final decision. On the same note arrange marriage still exists in the low and middle class.
Since I moved I always came to Karachi for a very short time and my trip was always planned. But this is my very first time my trip is longer due to my mother sickness and is also the very first time I didn’t plan for my trip at all, I just wanted to be with family. But 10 days after I came, my mother passed away. During my mother’s death lots of relatives, friends and neighbors came for condolences. I haven’t met many of them for a long time and it was very nice seeing and talking with many of them. While I was talking to them, especially the new couples I observed how many couples were living unhappily and miserable. Most of the husbands like to be in control. He wouldn’t let his wife go anywhere without his permission. And if she is working outside of the house he controls her money and treats her like a 2nd class citizen. He doesn’t appreciate how she is taking care of the home and supporting her husband financially.
Another major issue is dealing with the in-laws. Here in Pakistan most of the couples live with their parents after they get married and that’s part of the culture. It’s more about them than the couples. But most of them believe they are doing a favor for them but actually there is no privacy or freedom for the couple. The home is always his parent’s home.
After talking and absorbing it all in it made me think how little has changed in woman’s lives. They are still struggling and living under men like their opinion doesn’t matter. I feel very bad and sad for them. Here in the States I see how freely myself and other women are living.
Another huge issue is the dowry. I thought now dowry only exists in the low class now because I assumed people knew better now. But I was wrong. When the girls are getting married, even if the girl’s parents can’t afford a dowry they take a loan to give their daughter as much dowry as they can so their daughter can be happy and her husband and in-laws won’t give her a hard time. Some parents give their daughters a bedroom set, some give also the living room furniture or even a car, basically as much as they can afford. That’s on the girl’s parents side. But here in Pakistan shameless men and his parents demand for dowry and make the girls parents feel by getting married to their daughter they’re doing them a huge favor.
Here is an example from my own family. Three years ago, my oldest sister’s daughter got married. From the outside they seemed like a good family. The Husband has a decent job, his mother is a school principal, and all the brothers and sisters are already married. Last year when I came I visited my niece and met his family the very first time. They were nice to me and I couldn’t tell anything negative about them.
When my mother passed away, I noticed my niece came for a very short time with her mother but her husband and his family didn’t come to give their condolences. A week later we had prayers for our mother and we invited many people including my niece and her in-laws. My niece came early in the morning with her brother but the prayers were in the evening. And the she wanted to leave in couple hours. I asked her, “Aren’t you going to stay for prayers and where is your husband? Why didn’t he come to give his condolences?” First, she was hesitant but then she opened up and told me, “My husband doesn’t allow me to come down here to visit. He doesn’t even know I am here to visit you and others”. When I asked her why she said,“ When I got married, in to my dowry I didn’t get fridge? He is still upset about it". He believes since you and my younger aunt lives in the USA it’s our responsibility to financially support him.
When I heard that I was in shock and couldn’t believe he could think like that. I asked her “What do you think? Do you think he is right”? She said of course not and then told me more things about how she is living and how she was been treated badly. I felt really sad and bad for her but also admired how she is handling him maturely instead of calling us and making us feel guilty. When she was leaving I asked if she would come back to visit before I left but she already knew her husband wouldn’t allow for it. I told her I would come to her house but she said sternly, “No, he wouldn’t like that.” I was and still in shock by how many women are living like this or worse. I talked to my niece and encouraged her to stand for herself and told her she must put herself first and that I am always with her as long as you don’t support the wrong things. She said to me she understood me but right now it was her choice and she wanted to be with him. I had to respect her decision. These kinds of conditions for women are very common in Pakistani culture. And it’s very sad and hard to believe. I literally felt I was back to the past and nothing had changed but in some cases it got worse.
I was born and grew up here so for me it wasn’t brand new but still it was a culture shock because I thought things had changed, I was wrong. No place is perfect but I will say USA is a much better place for women to live in then Pakistan. At least you are free to live and you aren’t living as a slave in your own home. Every time I come to Karachi, I find myself more and more shocked and it seems like a strange country to me. I noticed mentally how far I have gone since I moved. I speak my mind, and if I don’t agree or I don’t like something I am not afraid to say it. My heart goes out to women who are struggling here and don’t feel free at all.
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