Close family and friends know about this but for the ones that didn’t know, after I came back from Karachi in July I felt completely lost. I felt empty, unhappy, focus-less, sad, depressed, as if I had lost something and looking for it but didn’t know where to start looking and what exactly I was looking for. I knew my Ami’s death had a lot to do with the way I was feeling but during this process I also noticed I was dealing with lots of different emotions too, which had nothing to do with Ami’s death but I still felt it.
I am one of those women who is very attached to her feelings and am very good at expressing it. And I learned long time ago, when something is bothering us we should talk to people who we trust. Since I write I have been putting my thoughts onto the paper and was thinking, if I was doing all the right things then why was I feeling the way I was? As soon as I came back my responsibilities were waiting for me. I went to work everyday, took a shower, exercised, met friends and did all of my routine things. But there was this emptiness and sadness that wouldn’t leave me alone. My focus was gone.
The more time was passing by the more I was thinking the way I was feeling. So one day I decided to sit down and just write the emotions I was feeling without analyzing it or trying to figure them out. I was in shock; I didn’t know how many emotions I had inside of me from birth to now. Even though I thought I had been doing pretty well, I was wrong.
I was 3 years old when my father, Abu, passed away. I have no memories or any kind of attachment with him. It was only my Ami who raised me and I always looked at her as both my parents. When Ami passed away, even though I am 42 years old, I felt like an orphan. It was and still is very painful to deal with. My mother was a very religious woman and she always prayed for everyone. But after her death I had this sadness, now who was going to pray for me? I felt like because of her prayers I was protected and now I was not.
Another things I realized, my childhood wasn’t a typical childhood and growing up I worried a lot about my Ami, sisters and struggled every single day. And as a woman in Pakistan my job was also to take care of the house and start working at a young so I could support my Ami. Then after I got married my job was to take care of my husbands’ and my kids’ need. Life changes in a flash because the next thing I knew I found myself divorced with two little kids. But what choice did I have? Whether I wanted to or not I had to put myself together for my girls and start walking again. And before I knew it I became the caretaker and it was all about other people. Which I was fine with because I love and care for my kids deeply. Then right before my youngest daughter was about to graduate high school my Ami had a stroke. Then my focus shifted to her.
From April 2013 to June 2014, every single day I worried about my Ami and tried to help however and as much as I could. During those fourteen months it was like my life was on pause. But after Ami’s death I felt completely lost and I could finally pin on it and realized since I became a caretaker I had been asking myself, now what? It’s almost like I didn’t know how to live without taking care of people or things, like I didn’t know how it feel to be normal. This is another chapter of my life and I don’t know where I am going. But I am hopeful I will find my way.
Since I am positive person and also a problem solver the only thing that is in my control is to change my outlook. Instead of looking at what I lost or what I don’t have I started looking at how blessed I am. I have two beautiful girls who truly respect and love me; I have place to live, a job, a car to drive, and friends and family who are always there for me.
Since I changed my outlook I noticed I started feeling much better. I am now smiling, eating healthy and instead of looking into my past or worrying about the future I started living in the power of now because that’s all we have right now. My heart is still broken and here and there it hurts but this is what it is and every single chapter in our lives is part of our lives whether we like it or not. I would say instead of fighting it’s better to accept it and move on. I know I have a long way to go but I am glad I am on my way and I believe with God’s help I will be just fine.
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