September 25 1990

September 25 1990

It has been Twenty two years since I first moved to the States from Karachi, Pakistan. I was 18 years old. This was my first trip ever in to my life. I had never seen a airport, big airplane, english speakers and travel with out my family into my life. Every single thing was scary/ fascinating to me. I still remembered the day very clear. I had no control over my tears. I wasn’t ready to say good buy to my family, friends and I was also not ready to say Hello to my new country and the people. Now looking back into my past everything seems dream and where did time go by. But I would say coming to the United States was the best thing happened to me.

I lived first 18 years back home and 22 years into the States. In 18 years I have gone to Karachi only three times and believe it or not, every single time I went back  home very next day I started counting when will I come back. Until I went there I didn’t realized how far I had come from my culture. I changed a lot. I am so useto doing everything my own here but there it’s a male dominated country. System is pretty beat up and no human life security at all. That makes me very nervous and that’s why I don’t enjoy at all.

Ten years ago, when I become a single parent I thought about moving back and be close to my family but there was something telling me not to go. And I decided not to move back. And I am glad I didn’t go back. I can see how my life and my girl’s life would be with not having a male living into house. Pakistani culture teaches women from the early age, once you have kids; you always have to put them first. Basically you become 100% mom and that’s your identity.  I did that too.

I love being a mother and there is nothing wrong but once my girls started growing up I started thinking what about my life. I am always going to be mom but I didn’t want to be just a mom. I started making friends and going out. This helps me to become a better mother. My girls also liked it. I went back to school and got my bachelors. That was the another great example as a mom for my girls. I started doing things whatever makes me happy and following my dreams. My girls watches me mom is not just a mom she is also a student like us. They appreciated me.

But honestly if I was still living in Karachi or had gone back after my divorced I could have not done the things I had done it for my self living in the States. No place is perfect. Before I moved to the States from as an outsider America was a dream county. But in last 22 years I had leaned American had lots of faults too. But sad to say this is a better county for me compare to my own mother country.

Eighteen yeas ago when I become a US citizen I had to let go of my Pakistani Nationality and become a US Citizen. After my years of living in this country I have lost connection with Pakistan and I feel close to US and that’s my county now. But still today people ask me where are you from? When I say to them Pakistan it feel weird because that’s just my birth place. But even thought I am US citizen I can’t say I am American. Some time I wonder what is my identity?

Every year September 25 takes me back to my past and to my old life and makes me think yes, I like living in this country and it’s better for me and for my girls but I have been paying very high price and that’s I have been a way from my mother and my sisters for 22 long years. My mother had come to US twice and that was very nice. I had applied for my sisters and  it has been already 10 years now and immigration are saying that can take 10 more years. That’s the part I will always dislike and waiting the day my whole family can come to US and get reunited. Over all its all good and life is beautiful!