Nursing Home Guilt

Nursing home Guilt

It doesn’t matter where you grow up in the world, but it does matter how you grow up, your values and your culture, you take it where ever you go. The culture I am from, no matter what family, always stays together. I mean, even when parents or grandparents gets old; it’s still the family’s responsibility to take care of them. In our culture we look at elders as highly respectful people. We go to them for advice and use their wisdom.

Growing up back home I never heard or saw a nursing home. There was no concept about putting your elders into a nursing home and letting someone else take care of them. My grandmother was 86 years old when she past away. The last few years of her life, she was on the bed and my mother and sisters took care of her.

After I moved here, I noticed nursing homes seemed like a normal thing. Many of my American friends and people around me told me their mom or dad is in a nursing home and they go and visit them. But no body ever told me and I never asked how and why they were or how they felt about it. But until recently, I am having my own experience. I have a friend who is also from the same culture as me. Her mother moved to USA a long time ago. She lives between daughters but recently she went through a 2^nd stroke and that caused her dementia. She is in her 70es. I met her when she was well, she was very active and a happy soul. But since she got dementia she is not the same person. It’s very hard and sad to see her like that.

First, when my friend found out about her mother’s dementia she took weeks off from work and stayed home with her, taking care of her. Her kids also very caring and loving towards their grandmother, but slowly my friend started to realize. It’s not easy to take care of a dementia patient. She tried so hard but at some point she realized how much energy and time her mother required and at some point she had to go back to work but she can’t leave her mother alone without supervision. All of her kids are busy with their school and work and she doesn’t have any extra person who can take care of her mother.

I visited her couple times and I saw how hard it was for my friend to ever think about putting her mother in a nursing home. However, which is the better choice for her and for her mother? But from the cultural prospective you don’t do that. I can feel my friend’s pain and the guilt she is dealing with. You know deep down you are doing the right thing but you still feel bad about it. Last week, when we talked on the phone, she told me next week she would take her mother to the nursing home, but just by thinking about it my heart aches. She was crying the whole time and saying to me, “I can’t take her alone so I asked my kids to go with me. I don’t like this feeling of leaving my mother with strangers and coming home without her”. I talked to her and encouraged her as much as I could and gave her some supporting words.

Now, since I watched my friend’s mother’s situation, I got more understanding and it is a blessing at least there is a place elders can go and people will take care of them. But then again I don’t like it. Family should take care of each other. Our parents and grandparents took care of us and helped us whenever we needed it. I know time has changed and now everybody has to work but it’s sad we don’t have time for our own family due to other responsibilities.

It has been almost six years since I’ve seen my mother. She is also 70 years old and her health is going down. My other sisters and their kids are taking care of her. I feel like it’s my responsibility too but due to many other responsibilities I can’t and I feel guilty about it. It’s very important for our kids to see how we behave with our parents and how we take care of them. Actions speak louder than words. Our elders keep families together and they are the most important member of the family.