A Good Man!

It has been almost 20 years or more, when I first met my ex-husband’s friend and his family. His name is Ahson Rafi and he also happens to be Pakistani. I call him Ahson bhai because Bhai means big brother. Ahson bhai and my ex-husband were working for the same company but in different states.  He was living in Minnesota and we were in Illinois. He invited us to his home and that’s when I met his wife, kids and his mother. There was something about all of us, we all clicked with each in no time except his wife. She wasn’t mean or anything but wasn’t that friendly. We visited each other’s home many times and became like family. We all had a great time and felt like we had known each other for a long time. When I had my 2^nd daughter Ahson bhai named her.

            After I got divorced, I completely lost contact with them because it was through with my ex-husband. I thought about them many times and wished we were still in contact but years just went by. Two weekends ago, I went to Bloomington to pickup my daughter from her Dad’s place. On my way my daughter called me and said, “Mom, I don’t know if you remember one of Dad’s old friend or not but I think you do. He is here visiting”. I asked her his name and was very surprised to hear his name. Without thinking about how he feels about me, especially because of the divorce, I asked my daughter to go tell him I am on my way to pick you up and if it’s okay with him I would like to say hello to him.

            Once I arrived, before I came out from the car he came outside and the amount of respect he showed towards me is indescribable. I was very happy to see him as well. He told me 7 years ago he got divorced but last year he got re-married. I was so happy for him. He is a very nice, caring, loving man. Then he told me he doesn’t live in Minnesota anymore and is now living in Bloomington, Illinois. 

            I was surprised. He told me he became the Director of Operations and we wanted to talk more but time was limited. He invited us to have lunch with him. Two days later my daughter and I went to Olive garden in Champaign, we met around 12:30 PM and talked until 3:30 PM. He is like my big brother but also my friend. We both felt like we had a lot to catch up and had a great talk. He told his mother about me and she was also very happy. Two days later I called his mother and we picked it up where we left it 20 years ago. It was really nice talking to her, she is like my own mother and I have so much respect for her.  She even said to me, “I thought of you many times and God wanted us to reunite again and we did.” She invited me to her home and soon my plan is to go and visit her.

            My point of writing this story is that some people leave a big mark on our heart; they are very special people and truly care for friendship. There is a lot to say about Ahson bhai but if I make it short, I have seen him finding a balance between, family and work and the way he did it only he knows. He raised his three boys pretty much on his own, he tried to save his marriage but at some point he learned to let it go. The way he has been taking care of his mother, I don’t know if any other man can do that. He is very respectful and obedient toward her. He has received many opportunities to promote to a higher position but due to his family responsibilities he has rejected them. He never put his work or money first but rather his family. He told me it was his Mother’s blessing to get married again and take this Director of Operation for Olive Garden position. Finding a balance is very important in life and that’s the only way we can succeed. Ahson bhai seems very happy and satisfied. I also talked to a few employees at Olive garden and they told me he is a great boss.  He is humble, funny and very caring. When we had lunch I noticed he didn’t talk to me about his job but about his family. I wish him all the happiness in the world!

            I feel blessed and very lucky to have a friend like Ahson bhai and his family. Since I am not his friend’s wife anymore he didn’t have to talk to me at all. But he still gave me the same respect he showed me before. I really respect that. And respect is something that means a lot to me. I wish him all the best and hope from now our friendship will grow more.

Small town girl in the same room as Hillary Clinton

             I can still close my eyes and picture when my oldest daughter walked into my bedroom, sat on my bed and asked me to stop whatever I was doing and sit down with her and said, “I have good news and bad news to tell you.”

            My oldest daughter’s name is Iman Hussain. She was 5 years old when we moved to Mahomet. This was our very first time living in a small-town. The only reason we picked this town was because of the school district’s reputation. Throughout the whole school years she did not have any problems. Her teachers loved her and she was a very good student. When she began high school it was time for us to start thinking about colleges. Since she is my oldest this was my first experience. But knowing that Parkland College and the University of Illinois are so near I thought I didn’t have to worry too much because Iman would pick from one of these colleges. But I was wrong. 

            Something about Iman I noticed since she was a child was she is a very fast learner. She has very high expectations from herself and likes to make her own path. She is humble, very confident and always has a plan for the future. She did apply to the University of Illinois and got in. Of course I was over joyed and thought she would go there and she wouldn’t be too far from home. But I remember her saying to me, “Mom you know I have applied to many other universities as well and I am waiting for their reply but I want to tell you I don’t want to go to the U of I.” Iman wanted to move away from the small town and see the world.

            It was around 10:00 pm and I was getting ready for bed when Iman walked into my room and said, “Mom can you sit down. I have good news and bad news to tell you” My heart dropped and I stopped everything and sat down. She said, “The bad news is, I just saw an email Brown University sent to me and I didn’t get in”. I looked at her and said, “It’s okay”. She continued, “but I got into UCLA”. I looked at her and said, “Where is UCLA?” She said, “The University of California Los Angeles”. Honestly I was in shock and said, “UCLA… the famous UCLA?”. She said, “Yes mom, there is only one UCLA!”. I was super happy and proud, we both cried with joy. I looked at her again and said, “But Iman California is far and out of state, we can’t afford that. How can you move that far?”  As a mother I didn’t want her to move that far away from me so I told her no, UCLA is too far, how could she move into a big university from a small town? I was afraid for her. But Iman made me believe this is what she wanted to do and convinced me she could do it. When I saw the confidence in her, she made me believe she was 200% sure about it. I said to her if going to UCLA is your wish and that important for you then we can do this together. From there everything fell into place and before we knew it she became an official student at UCLA.

Iman is having all kinds of great experiences from seeing movie stars to traveling different places but her most recent experience will stay with her for the rest of her life. A month ago, she received an e-mail that Hillary Clinton would be coming to UCLA on March 5 2014 to give a lecture. Iman was one of the lucky that got a ticket and sat in the same room as Hillary Clinton. I wonder how many kids get a chance like this. Only 2 years ago, she graduated from High school who would have thought her decision to go to UCLA would give her all kinds of life time experiences. I raised Iman and I know all of her great qualities but I always believed in this quote, “It takes a village to raise a child”. Iman wouldn’t be where she is today if not for all her supporters. Thank you to all of you who have helped me to raise her.

Ballroom dancing

            When I was growing up in Karachi, dancing was considered a bad thing especially dancing in front of males and elders. And there was this mentality that good people aren’t supposed to dance but when watching movies and it was okay to watch other people dance. I also heard from our elders, since growing up we watched Bollywood movies dancing is a part of the Hindu culture and that’s why it’s okay for them to dance.  But in Pakistani weddings the young were allow to dance but not women.

            If you grow up with that kind of mentality then your brain believes everything until you start growing up and start thinking on your own and begin asking questions such as, why is dancing bad for you and how does dancing define you as a good or bad person? As a young child I believed everything about my culture but growing up I didn’t agree with a lot of things especially why women can’t dance. In Karachi I didn’t see any kind of dancing schools or any kind of fun activities for kids. But once I moved to the States I saw many fun activities for kids based on the kid’s desires. I really liked that. I gave my girls full freedom about any activities they would like to join including learning any kind of dancing.

Growing up I didn’t have many opportunities; I accepted the life style that was chosen for me. I did what I had to do but once my girls were about to finish high school and getting ready to go to their Universities I realized I would have a lot of free time and thought to myself now is the time I can do the things I would like to do and one thing is taking a dance class.

At the beginning, I was a little hesitant because this was something new and different for me. But one of my friends convinced me and I signed up for a ballroom dancing class. In the movies ballroom dancing looks so beautiful and pretty to me. At first I was really shy but as soon as I met other people who were also taking the class for the first time I felt more relaxed and comfortable. I realized why growing up women weren’t allow to take dance classes. I think it’s because when you are dancing it’s with another male and you are standing very close to him, from a cultural prospective this is the reason why. I don’t agree with it but I understand.

 My class is once a week and I look forward going there. I enjoy dressing up for the class and have so far learned how to Waltz, Swing, Rumba, Foxtrot and Cha-Cha. I have found dancing to be fun, relaxing, learning, experience, and as a woman I felt prettier. I danced with lots of other men and none of them made me feel uncomfortable or dirty. I also learned when you are dancing with your partner it’s not just about your body movements but also about trusting each other. Ballroom dancing is classy, beautiful, sophisticated, and an enjoyable dance. I am glad I didn’t wait anymore and got to experience this. But I wonder, if I had any Pakistani men in my class would I feel comfortable dancing with just like I am comfortable dancing with Americans?  

Unexpected Thoughts

 As soon as both girls and I walked in to the Movie Theater, we all realized right away it was cold in there. I had pants and short sleeves on, but my girls were wearing short sleeves and shorts. I remembered right away that I had my sweat shirt and one of my girls’ jackets in the car. I told my twelve year-old to watch her 10 year-old sister for me and I will be right back. She said, “Ok, I will mom”.  She was too busy watching the movie to ask where I was going.  While I was walking across the parking lot toward my car, some very strange thoughts started coming in my mind which I had never had before.  If I wanted, it would be so easy for me to get away from my girls.  I wouldn’t have to worry about them anymore; I could be free of their responsibilities pretty easily.  They are busy for the next two hours; no one will notice me.  I am leaving my kids at the movie theater.  By the time they realize I am gone, I will be far away from them. Oh my gosh, those nasty thought were evil. I was breathing heavily while trying to walk, but my mind was going into millions of directions at the same time. I was having a hard time walking. For a few seconds I totally forgot where I was. All I was seeing was my two young girls’ faces.

I was 21 years old when I had my first daughter. I remember like yesterday the day I found out I was pregnant. It is unexplainable how happy I was. My whole world was changed. On the day she was born it was like I won the whole world. When she was six months old I found out I was pregnant again with my second daughter. Both my girls became my day and night. They completed my world and they became my true happiness.

Two years ago I got divorced.  It was one of the most difficult times of my life.  On the other hand, I was happy because I had my beautiful girls. Both hands were still full, on my one hand I had my one daughter and my other hand had my other daughter. I am sure I am not so different than any other mother around the world. Every mother loves their kid unconditionally.

            After my divorce, my daughters and I became closer as a team. They both knew their mother is a strong person, but they are also the ones who have also seen their mother fall to the ground many times. Kids are amazing, they can tell just by looking at faces or from our tone of voice, “is my mother having a good day or a bad day?” I am so proud of my daughters and also I am happy and thankful to God that he gave me two kids so they can also have each other.  

            My life has been a rollercoaster ride many times. My divorce was totally unexpected. In last two years I have been trying to accept my divorce and move on. And I am doing pretty well compared to before. I am positive person, but I can only take so much. Some days though, all it can take is a time, or a place, or even by simply thinking about the past and I feel like I am back to where I was two years ago.

            Yesterday was one of those days. When I got up yesterday someone said something to me over the phone about my past life.  I am sure that person didn’t mean it or didn’t even realize that their words could have affected me negatively.  As soon as I hung up the phone, it hit me right away. My mood changed and I became depressed.  I started feeling very lonely and tired. And when I saw the girls, I saw only responsibilities.  Their weight was too heavy on my shoulders. I start thinking negatively I don’t have a husband. Why did he leave me?  I am not good enough.   I don’t have a college degree.  I have two daughters to raise and no family members around me.  How will I do everything?  Will I be able to?  I was so down. I wanted to run away from the world.  Perhaps it was my not having enough self-confidence or the pain being so deep that was pushing these thoughts into my mind.  Whatever the reason, I didn’t want to feel it and I think I saw an easy way out. But I didn’t realize no matter where I go I take myself with me.

             I knew I was depressed.  I thought if I stayed home I would get more depressed.   And that is why I chose to go and see a movie with my girls. I don’t remember how I pulled myself back together.

  Without even thinking anything, I took the jackets from the car and headed back to the movie theater. When I sat in between them they both looked at me and smiled at me. It kills me inside. They had no idea what kind of thoughts came in to their mothers mind few minutes ago. I also realized how lucky I am. I could have lost my daughters pretty easily and then what would I do I was weak and lost. I believe I could have done it.  I truly believe it was God who has been helping me.

            Later that day when I was feeling a bit better, I was sitting in my backyard thinking about what happened to me and I realized how lucky I am. I have house to live in, a car to drive, money to survive, and healthy kids.  Thank god I have more then I can ask for. I started thinking about those women who have nothing.   We see them on TV or read about them in the newspapers about what they have done to their kids. While I was having negative thoughts about how I could get rid of my life (girls) from me, I felt so connected to them.

            When I listened and watched them in the news about how a mother hurt her own kids, I use to not believe. It was beyond my mind.  No mother can do that.  No loving mother could or would hurt their kids.  But after having my own experience, I now completely understand how it can happen. How mentally disturbed they can be. Some have no control at all.

I have never experienced those “unexpected thoughts” before and I hope I never will again. But those thoughts helped me to understand other mothers better. It also helped me to realize how much my kids mean to me. Just by thinking about those thoughts, my world shook. I can’t imagine living with thoughts like those. I don’t care what I don’t have. What I care is what I do have, and those are the things that makes my life complete and makes me happy.

Speaker

Speaker 

Couple weeks ago, I was invited to Parkland College as a speaker. The person who invited me was my classmate and current English professor at Parkland. Her name is Nia Klein, I felt flattered when she asked me to come and talk to her students. She knows a lot about my life, my struggles and how I overcame them. The assignment her students were working on was connecting real life issues and the main point was how to find happiness in hard circumstances and that’s why she thought it would be nice for her students to hear my life story from myself. And since I was also a parkland student they would feel more connected. Pretty much all of her students are Americans however most of them had no idea about other cultures, their life styles and everything they go through each day and how they still make the best out of it. For them everything I told them was unreal and shocking.

          This was my very first time talking in front of students and I am not a speaker. I was excited and nervous at the same time. I did prepare myself before I went to Parkland but it’s different when you are standing and everyone’s eyes are on you. When I walked into her classroom I saw most of the students my own daughter’s age. I told myself this was just like talking to my girls at home. I went to their classroom with this mentality; I am going there to help them. Telling my life experience would hopefully make them a better student and human being.

First of all, every single student was very respectful and gave me their full attention. Once I started talking about my life I saw my entire life front of me. There were many experiences I don’t think about it and didn’t think they were still there. I saw my life divided into two parts. The first part was from birth to 18 years, my life in Karachi, Pakistan. And the second part started when I moved in 1990-2014 to the USA. I myself was kind of in shock when I was telling my experiences: where I had started and where I am now. I always had a choice of quitting. The exit door was always in front of me but I always turned my back toward it and chose the hard road knowing it would have lots of struggles and hardships but quitting never suited me. I have gone through all kinds of emotions and experiences but I learned not to just stand there but to accept it and move on. Yes, life isn’t perfect but we can make it as easy as possible as much as we can. 

I don’t know how much I helped them but talking to them about my life made me feel more understanding comfortable about who I am. I’ve heard that when you are helping others you are actually helping yourself and I witnessed this first hand. A huge thank you to Nia Klein who gave me this great opportunity.

I did it my way

I did it my way

Not too long ago I was organizing my writing folder and started reading some of my articles again and I found a pattern in them. I noticed that in most of my stories I am talking about my girls and motherhood. I also noticed that nowhere do I separate myself from being a mother. It appears as if being a mother has become my identity but I am more than that. At some level I understand why I kept mentioning my girls and motherhood but it brought up some questions for myself. I asked myself, who am I? What’s my identity besides being a mother?  I believe I was born to be a mother and somehow I knew I would have daughters.  No matter what and when I will always be my girls’ mother but my identity is not just a mother. But before today I have never sat down and focused on just my identity.

            Growing up very poor from an early age I didn’t have a normal childhood. I understood my mother’s struggle and that’s why I never asked her for anything she couldn’t provide. I was her sensitive and mature daughter. I dreamed about finishing education and becoming a doctor so that I could support my family and live like any middle class family would live. I was 15 years old when I first started working 2 jobs so I could support my mother. I still remembered the day. It was the day after my last high school exam and was excited about sleeping in late. It was around 8:00 am and my mother came and woke me up. She said that the principle of the school asked me about you and offered a job to you. I looked at my mother with a puzzled face and then she continued and said, “I told the principal yes she would and she wants you to start today”. Without thinking or saying anything to my mother I looked at her approving eyes and got ready to start teaching that day. I couldn’t disappoint my mother. I knew how hard she was working to raise all of her five daughters.

I was pretty but nobody ever said to me that I was because I had dark skin. I had hope for a better future but I had low confidence in myself for it. At the age of 16 my marriage proposal came.  I didn’t want to get married to anybody but since it was my mother’s wish I did. I knew that the sooner us daughters got married; my mother would worry less financially. I didn’t want to leave my county, family and friends but I accepted her wish and that’s how I ended up in the U.S.A. I didn’t know anything about marriage life, America or the role of women in the States. I took one day at a time and instead of complaining to my mother, every time I talked to her I faked laughter so she could feel satisfied that her daughter was happy. My first couple of years in the USA were painful, lonely, and sad. I remember the very first time I wore pants and shirt I felt naked and didn’t like it at all. I was used to wearing long 3 pieces of clothing. But there was something about me from the early age that wouldn’t let me give up, I was a fighter. I slowly started accepting my new life. knowing there is no going back I chose to move forward.

            I was a stay at home wife for a long time but after become a single mother my real challenges started. I hit the rock bottom and was very depressed. My worse days are when I would forget to cook dinner for my girls. I don’t think they noticed or remember but until this day it bothers me. I was very down, depressed and was having anxiety attacks. My doctor wanted me to see psychologist But, I didn’t want to see any strange person and talked to this person about my personal life. I tried anyways but it didn’t help me, the psychologist wanted me to take anti-depression medication. I am not against medication but I would rather feel my pain then numb it. Back then and even now I believe that if we don’t deal with our pain it will wait for us. And I didn’t want to make my body numb and15 or 20 years down the road deal with my pain. I chose the hard road and never went back to the psychologist. Instead of that I started writing what was going on and my writing became my therapy. I noticed that once I write I feel good, relaxed, and even find answers. I was able to understand what was going on and I was getting connected with my feelings.

           Education was always big part of my life. I didn’t like that I couldn’t finish my education before I got married. But later I decided to go back to school and finished my education.  When I started Parkland College I was still a mess but my goal was to get an education. I remember the very first time someone gave me a compliment about my looks. I didn’t like it at all and I thought that person was making fun of me. I had to work very hard on my self-esteem from inside to outside.  It was like being re-born. I used to hide my body and myself from society. Because I didn’t believe anyone would care to look or listen to me. One day for my academics I met with a counselor and we clicked right away. She didn’t just help me with academics; she also helped my spirit rise up too. She believed in me and pushed me to go beyond my limits. I have so much respect for her. She is the reason after I finished Parkland I decided to go further into education. She helped me in all areas of my life and today I can proudly say I survived because of her too.

            Growing up secretly I wanted to become a print model but I never shared my secret with anyone. But once my self-esteem started getting better, I started seeing a whole brand new world in front of me.. I remembered that night very well, for some reason I couldn’t sleep and I was up until 5 am. Thinking, reading and writing, suddenly my eyes stopped at the yellow pages at my bookshelf. I had never ever opened the yellow pages to look for anyone’s number or use it for anything but that night. I flipped through it and saw that there was a modeling agency in town. I called and later that day I got a call from the lady and said she wanted to meet with me.

            When I wasn’t feeling good and had lots of challenges front of me, I wanted to prove to myself that even though I was scared I can still make it. Part of me wanted to do something huge that I never thought I could. One day I decided I wanted to skydive. I jumped from 12000 thousand feet high and felt free from everything. It was a beautiful memorable experience of my life.

            When I first started living alone with my daughters, I was scared especially at nighttime. I was checking the doors in the middle of the night worrying about someone breaking in the house. Mentally I was getting stronger but physically I wasn’t there. And that’s when I decided to take Tae-kwon-do classes. There was/is very respectfully man who has been teaching for many years. I talked to him about taking lessons from him and before I knew it I started enjoying it and began to gain a lot of confidence and strength. Tae-kwon-do has become part of my life and I am proud to say that I am a martial arts student. Lots of people especially the women from my community didn’t look at me with respect because I did this. Because, according to them, as a Muslim women I shouldn’t take tae-kwon-do where I would stretch my body.  I never agreed or cared what others were feeling about me. I kept putting on my uniform with pride and respect.

            I remembered in grade school English was my least favorite subject. I never liked it and wished the English language would go away. Yet I ended up around English speakers in an English speaking country, it became pivotal for my life. When I was at Parkland taking ESL classes one of the teachers told me that since English isn’t your first language you will never be able to write and read in English. Naturally since English is my 2^nd language I will have more difficult speaking it. I didn’t like what she said to me at all, it was discouraging instead of being supporting. So instead I took at as challenge and learned to speak English as well as possible.

            I lived the first 18 years of my life in Pakistan and the past 23 years in the States. Even when I was in Pakistan I was hopeful for a better future. But once I moved to the States and had a totally different life experience I still had hope for a better tomorrow. I wanted to have security in finances in a home and in family. But my experiences taught me that even when I thought I had security I didn’t have any security about anything. And when I hit rock bottom I tell myself now the only place I can go is up. I kept holding on hope for tomorrow. I always look at the situation as the glass being half full not empty. My positive attitude and hope kept me moving on.

            We women are more than just women and mothers. We have pride, we demand respect, we are stronger then we can even imagine. We are providers, supporters, friends, and much more. I am my mother’s pride and sensitive daughter, my sisters’ biggest supporters, my friends trusted confidants and my own daughters’ guidance. I am a whole lot more. I started walking on dirt road and today when I look back I see a garden with full beautiful flowers. My life is like the Frank Sinatra song “I did it my way”. And today I am living with pride and respect. I am a woman who can read and write. I speak my mind and am living with freedom. I have a college degree and I am working full time speaking English. I ended up making local TV commercials and have done some printing modeling. I started taekwondo with a white belt and today I have a brown belt. I am now a columnist for 2 local newspapers.  I own a home. I have raised two beautiful girls on my own. I have traveled many countries crossed the ocean alone. I feel very confident and secure about who I am and I did it my way. 

Prayer

Prayer

Dear God, my mother is very sick.
It’s only you has the power to give and take life.
She needs you more than ever.
Please help her and take her pain away.
She is our mother and we love her so much.
Our hearts ache to see her in pain.
She raised us alone but with only your help was she able to. 
All her life she has trusted you more than anyone.
She still needs you, please stay with her.
Give her peace and make her heart believe.
She is safe and secure and in your protection 
She is our mother and we love her so much.

January 17, 2014 4:00 AM. I got a text from my family back home that my mother’s blood pressure went pretty low and she wasn’t doing well. I got really scared. I picked up the phone and talked to my family and gave them advice on the things they could do in this situation. And told them to keep checking her blood pressure every 15 minutes and let me know. After I hung-up the phone of-course I couldn’t go back to bed. My mind was with my mother and I was going through all kinds of emotions. Then suddenly I was on my laptop and was searching for a prayer for my mother. But I couldn’t find any. The next thing I knew, while tears were rolling on my cheeks, I was writing a prayer. I have never written a prayer before. Hours later I got a text from my sister saying mom’s blood pressure back to normal and she wants to see you.    

It has been 10 months since her stroke happened. In reality we know she will never be the same again. But we feel blessed she is still around us. Each day is a different day. It’s absolutely horrible to see parent’s suffering. I personally hate this time of my life. The whole family is under so much stress. Everyone is trying to make her comfortable as much as possible but when we see her in pain or suffering we feel very hopeless and helpless. But we know besides God nobody knows why people suffer and when their suffering will end.  

                My mother had a very hard life and some days I get very angry at God and ask him when will her suffering will end and why her? All her life she never bothered anyone or asked for anything. She is like an angel. She lives a very simple life, always trusts God and asks his guidance. I can close my eyes and see my childhood. She always put us (her daughters) first. I don’t remember my father at all. My mother was my mother and father both. The idea of losing her frightens me, it seems unreal. I know that day is coming but how can you be fully ready? She is our mother and we love her so much.