Unexpected Thoughts

 As soon as both girls and I walked in to the Movie Theater, we all realized right away it was cold in there. I had pants and short sleeves on, but my girls were wearing short sleeves and shorts. I remembered right away that I had my sweat shirt and one of my girls’ jackets in the car. I told my twelve year-old to watch her 10 year-old sister for me and I will be right back. She said, “Ok, I will mom”.  She was too busy watching the movie to ask where I was going.  While I was walking across the parking lot toward my car, some very strange thoughts started coming in my mind which I had never had before.  If I wanted, it would be so easy for me to get away from my girls.  I wouldn’t have to worry about them anymore; I could be free of their responsibilities pretty easily.  They are busy for the next two hours; no one will notice me.  I am leaving my kids at the movie theater.  By the time they realize I am gone, I will be far away from them. Oh my gosh, those nasty thought were evil. I was breathing heavily while trying to walk, but my mind was going into millions of directions at the same time. I was having a hard time walking. For a few seconds I totally forgot where I was. All I was seeing was my two young girls’ faces.

I was 21 years old when I had my first daughter. I remember like yesterday the day I found out I was pregnant. It is unexplainable how happy I was. My whole world was changed. On the day she was born it was like I won the whole world. When she was six months old I found out I was pregnant again with my second daughter. Both my girls became my day and night. They completed my world and they became my true happiness.

Two years ago I got divorced.  It was one of the most difficult times of my life.  On the other hand, I was happy because I had my beautiful girls. Both hands were still full, on my one hand I had my one daughter and my other hand had my other daughter. I am sure I am not so different than any other mother around the world. Every mother loves their kid unconditionally.

            After my divorce, my daughters and I became closer as a team. They both knew their mother is a strong person, but they are also the ones who have also seen their mother fall to the ground many times. Kids are amazing, they can tell just by looking at faces or from our tone of voice, “is my mother having a good day or a bad day?” I am so proud of my daughters and also I am happy and thankful to God that he gave me two kids so they can also have each other.  

            My life has been a rollercoaster ride many times. My divorce was totally unexpected. In last two years I have been trying to accept my divorce and move on. And I am doing pretty well compared to before. I am positive person, but I can only take so much. Some days though, all it can take is a time, or a place, or even by simply thinking about the past and I feel like I am back to where I was two years ago.

            Yesterday was one of those days. When I got up yesterday someone said something to me over the phone about my past life.  I am sure that person didn’t mean it or didn’t even realize that their words could have affected me negatively.  As soon as I hung up the phone, it hit me right away. My mood changed and I became depressed.  I started feeling very lonely and tired. And when I saw the girls, I saw only responsibilities.  Their weight was too heavy on my shoulders. I start thinking negatively I don’t have a husband. Why did he leave me?  I am not good enough.   I don’t have a college degree.  I have two daughters to raise and no family members around me.  How will I do everything?  Will I be able to?  I was so down. I wanted to run away from the world.  Perhaps it was my not having enough self-confidence or the pain being so deep that was pushing these thoughts into my mind.  Whatever the reason, I didn’t want to feel it and I think I saw an easy way out. But I didn’t realize no matter where I go I take myself with me.

             I knew I was depressed.  I thought if I stayed home I would get more depressed.   And that is why I chose to go and see a movie with my girls. I don’t remember how I pulled myself back together.

  Without even thinking anything, I took the jackets from the car and headed back to the movie theater. When I sat in between them they both looked at me and smiled at me. It kills me inside. They had no idea what kind of thoughts came in to their mothers mind few minutes ago. I also realized how lucky I am. I could have lost my daughters pretty easily and then what would I do I was weak and lost. I believe I could have done it.  I truly believe it was God who has been helping me.

            Later that day when I was feeling a bit better, I was sitting in my backyard thinking about what happened to me and I realized how lucky I am. I have house to live in, a car to drive, money to survive, and healthy kids.  Thank god I have more then I can ask for. I started thinking about those women who have nothing.   We see them on TV or read about them in the newspapers about what they have done to their kids. While I was having negative thoughts about how I could get rid of my life (girls) from me, I felt so connected to them.

            When I listened and watched them in the news about how a mother hurt her own kids, I use to not believe. It was beyond my mind.  No mother can do that.  No loving mother could or would hurt their kids.  But after having my own experience, I now completely understand how it can happen. How mentally disturbed they can be. Some have no control at all.

I have never experienced those “unexpected thoughts” before and I hope I never will again. But those thoughts helped me to understand other mothers better. It also helped me to realize how much my kids mean to me. Just by thinking about those thoughts, my world shook. I can’t imagine living with thoughts like those. I don’t care what I don’t have. What I care is what I do have, and those are the things that makes my life complete and makes me happy.