I did it my way

I did it my way

Not too long ago I was organizing my writing folder and started reading some of my articles again and I found a pattern in them. I noticed that in most of my stories I am talking about my girls and motherhood. I also noticed that nowhere do I separate myself from being a mother. It appears as if being a mother has become my identity but I am more than that. At some level I understand why I kept mentioning my girls and motherhood but it brought up some questions for myself. I asked myself, who am I? What’s my identity besides being a mother?  I believe I was born to be a mother and somehow I knew I would have daughters.  No matter what and when I will always be my girls’ mother but my identity is not just a mother. But before today I have never sat down and focused on just my identity.

            Growing up very poor from an early age I didn’t have a normal childhood. I understood my mother’s struggle and that’s why I never asked her for anything she couldn’t provide. I was her sensitive and mature daughter. I dreamed about finishing education and becoming a doctor so that I could support my family and live like any middle class family would live. I was 15 years old when I first started working 2 jobs so I could support my mother. I still remembered the day. It was the day after my last high school exam and was excited about sleeping in late. It was around 8:00 am and my mother came and woke me up. She said that the principle of the school asked me about you and offered a job to you. I looked at my mother with a puzzled face and then she continued and said, “I told the principal yes she would and she wants you to start today”. Without thinking or saying anything to my mother I looked at her approving eyes and got ready to start teaching that day. I couldn’t disappoint my mother. I knew how hard she was working to raise all of her five daughters.

I was pretty but nobody ever said to me that I was because I had dark skin. I had hope for a better future but I had low confidence in myself for it. At the age of 16 my marriage proposal came.  I didn’t want to get married to anybody but since it was my mother’s wish I did. I knew that the sooner us daughters got married; my mother would worry less financially. I didn’t want to leave my county, family and friends but I accepted her wish and that’s how I ended up in the U.S.A. I didn’t know anything about marriage life, America or the role of women in the States. I took one day at a time and instead of complaining to my mother, every time I talked to her I faked laughter so she could feel satisfied that her daughter was happy. My first couple of years in the USA were painful, lonely, and sad. I remember the very first time I wore pants and shirt I felt naked and didn’t like it at all. I was used to wearing long 3 pieces of clothing. But there was something about me from the early age that wouldn’t let me give up, I was a fighter. I slowly started accepting my new life. knowing there is no going back I chose to move forward.

            I was a stay at home wife for a long time but after become a single mother my real challenges started. I hit the rock bottom and was very depressed. My worse days are when I would forget to cook dinner for my girls. I don’t think they noticed or remember but until this day it bothers me. I was very down, depressed and was having anxiety attacks. My doctor wanted me to see psychologist But, I didn’t want to see any strange person and talked to this person about my personal life. I tried anyways but it didn’t help me, the psychologist wanted me to take anti-depression medication. I am not against medication but I would rather feel my pain then numb it. Back then and even now I believe that if we don’t deal with our pain it will wait for us. And I didn’t want to make my body numb and15 or 20 years down the road deal with my pain. I chose the hard road and never went back to the psychologist. Instead of that I started writing what was going on and my writing became my therapy. I noticed that once I write I feel good, relaxed, and even find answers. I was able to understand what was going on and I was getting connected with my feelings.

           Education was always big part of my life. I didn’t like that I couldn’t finish my education before I got married. But later I decided to go back to school and finished my education.  When I started Parkland College I was still a mess but my goal was to get an education. I remember the very first time someone gave me a compliment about my looks. I didn’t like it at all and I thought that person was making fun of me. I had to work very hard on my self-esteem from inside to outside.  It was like being re-born. I used to hide my body and myself from society. Because I didn’t believe anyone would care to look or listen to me. One day for my academics I met with a counselor and we clicked right away. She didn’t just help me with academics; she also helped my spirit rise up too. She believed in me and pushed me to go beyond my limits. I have so much respect for her. She is the reason after I finished Parkland I decided to go further into education. She helped me in all areas of my life and today I can proudly say I survived because of her too.

            Growing up secretly I wanted to become a print model but I never shared my secret with anyone. But once my self-esteem started getting better, I started seeing a whole brand new world in front of me.. I remembered that night very well, for some reason I couldn’t sleep and I was up until 5 am. Thinking, reading and writing, suddenly my eyes stopped at the yellow pages at my bookshelf. I had never ever opened the yellow pages to look for anyone’s number or use it for anything but that night. I flipped through it and saw that there was a modeling agency in town. I called and later that day I got a call from the lady and said she wanted to meet with me.

            When I wasn’t feeling good and had lots of challenges front of me, I wanted to prove to myself that even though I was scared I can still make it. Part of me wanted to do something huge that I never thought I could. One day I decided I wanted to skydive. I jumped from 12000 thousand feet high and felt free from everything. It was a beautiful memorable experience of my life.

            When I first started living alone with my daughters, I was scared especially at nighttime. I was checking the doors in the middle of the night worrying about someone breaking in the house. Mentally I was getting stronger but physically I wasn’t there. And that’s when I decided to take Tae-kwon-do classes. There was/is very respectfully man who has been teaching for many years. I talked to him about taking lessons from him and before I knew it I started enjoying it and began to gain a lot of confidence and strength. Tae-kwon-do has become part of my life and I am proud to say that I am a martial arts student. Lots of people especially the women from my community didn’t look at me with respect because I did this. Because, according to them, as a Muslim women I shouldn’t take tae-kwon-do where I would stretch my body.  I never agreed or cared what others were feeling about me. I kept putting on my uniform with pride and respect.

            I remembered in grade school English was my least favorite subject. I never liked it and wished the English language would go away. Yet I ended up around English speakers in an English speaking country, it became pivotal for my life. When I was at Parkland taking ESL classes one of the teachers told me that since English isn’t your first language you will never be able to write and read in English. Naturally since English is my 2^nd language I will have more difficult speaking it. I didn’t like what she said to me at all, it was discouraging instead of being supporting. So instead I took at as challenge and learned to speak English as well as possible.

            I lived the first 18 years of my life in Pakistan and the past 23 years in the States. Even when I was in Pakistan I was hopeful for a better future. But once I moved to the States and had a totally different life experience I still had hope for a better tomorrow. I wanted to have security in finances in a home and in family. But my experiences taught me that even when I thought I had security I didn’t have any security about anything. And when I hit rock bottom I tell myself now the only place I can go is up. I kept holding on hope for tomorrow. I always look at the situation as the glass being half full not empty. My positive attitude and hope kept me moving on.

            We women are more than just women and mothers. We have pride, we demand respect, we are stronger then we can even imagine. We are providers, supporters, friends, and much more. I am my mother’s pride and sensitive daughter, my sisters’ biggest supporters, my friends trusted confidants and my own daughters’ guidance. I am a whole lot more. I started walking on dirt road and today when I look back I see a garden with full beautiful flowers. My life is like the Frank Sinatra song “I did it my way”. And today I am living with pride and respect. I am a woman who can read and write. I speak my mind and am living with freedom. I have a college degree and I am working full time speaking English. I ended up making local TV commercials and have done some printing modeling. I started tae kwon-do with a white belt and today I have a brown belt. I am now a columnist for 2 local newspapers.  I own a home. I have raised two beautiful girls on my own. I have traveled many countries crossed the ocean alone. I feel very confident and secure about who I am and I did it my way.