Everyone have something to deal

Everyone have something to deal

 I have never written anything about this topic before. Perhaps it’s because I never thought about it or maybe I didn’t know that this could be an issue with me. Growing up I didn’t have a father or brother but five sisters. My mother was a stay at home mom. I watched her cook, clean and take care of us while running a household. One of my mom’s brothers helped us financially so mom didn’t have to work and back then it was common for women to stay home and take care of the kids and house as the men made the money.

Growing up my focus was getting good grades, learning how to cook, clean, wash clothes by hand, sew, and take care of my family’s needs. For example I needed to be very supportive of my baby sister because I was older than her. By the time I finished high school I was masterful in all of those things. In the cultural perspective once you get married your husband will take care of you. Which means even if you have a college degree you aren’t required to work outside the house. That’s his job and yours is to take care of him, his families needs and the kids.

When I got married, my mother-in-law was also a stay at home woman. Her husband and mine both worked. This was my first time living with male who was working and taking care of their families. It was new and different for me. Now looking back I don’t know if I was enjoying it or not because that’s what I had learned. But I remember getting bored a lot. In the United States it was and is common for women to work. After five months of moving to America, I asked my ex-husband if after he goes to work I could get a job. Since he was gone all the time I would get bored, I don’t know anyone besides your family, and I don’t have any friends. I am thinking about working at Burger King, which was walking distance because I didn’t have a driver’s license. He said, “Sure, if that is what you want to do I can take you there tomorrow so you can fill out the application. At that time my English was weak and I wanted to improve it. I worked in the kitchen. That was my first job in the United States. I was very happy and worked there for almost two years. When I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I quit working and became a stay home mom for many years. I was one of the lucky moms who could stay home with their kids and raise them without getting worried about work. 

But you never know when things can change. When my daughters were 7 and 8 years old I got divorced. It was very hard but not foreign to me. I had learned how to live with this kind of situation from my mother. Right away I started taking care of the house and the girls. I had always wanted to have a college degree so I went back to school and got my Bachelor’s degree. While I was in school I started applying for a job but there was a part of me that was very nervous. The culture I was born in taught me that my focus should be only on children. It was a struggle. When I saw other women working in big companies and having professional careers I envied them and wanted to be just like them but I didn’t know how to.

If I have fifty people at my house I can take care of all of them easily and manage to cook for them and have a lively time. But if I had a company to run of fifty people I wouldn’t be able to do it.  I always thought that other women have those skills, not me. Yet I still always wanted to do it, I struggled for many reasons. One being that I am a homebody, I love being around my family and in my home. In addition I didn’t have any personal models that had done it before.

I remembered when I was in college my counselors asked me where I saw myself in five years. I could never answer that question, I didn’t even know what they were trying to say. I wonder how many women can answer that question. I have been working for the last five years but every time I see a higher level job, I don’t dare apply because I think that I can’t do it or that it isn’t meant for me. This is the area of my life not many people know about it. I believe that just like we teach our kids how to go to school, get good grades and keep their rooms clean this is another area girls should know about when growing up.

There was a time when women didn’t have to work. Times have changed and it’s not just about making minimum wage for the rest of your life, it’s about going beyond your limits and believing that you are capable of doing anything. Don’t take me wrong. I love my job. I am working in a school as a teacher’s assistant. For many years I didn’t believe I could make money like a man and raise my girls because the mentality I grew up with was different.  But now looking back I wasted time for not believing that I could do more than just clean and cook.

I am sure that as humans we all have something that holds us back, it doesn’t matter who you are. It could be related to a childhood trauma, culture, religion, family beliefs or something else. You may have been struggling with something but aren’t able to point it out. You feel embarrassed to talk about it or you may be in denial. It doesn’t matter what the case it, it is there and will be there until you deal with it. The sooner the better, because then we can look to make our futures bright.