My Thanksgiving weekend

My  Thanksgiving weekend 

Last weekend was a long weekend due to the Thanksgiving break. I was also off from my work for 4 days. My youngest daughter went to California to spend her Thanksgiving break with her older sister. Since I was by myself I didn’t feel like cooking or doing anything especially just for myself.  Many friends called and invited me to their homes, but for some reason I didn’t want to travel anywhere so I stayed home. 

Since I moved to the States I have been celebrating Thanksgiving but this was my first where I was home alone. Off course I missed my girls and wanted to be with them but it wasn’t possible. But at the same time, I was glad my girls where together with other family members. I was feeling a little bit down but something came into my mind. Six months ago when my oldest daughter graduated from high school, I had wanted to make a quilt out of her school t-shirts as a gift and surprise her. But due to my busy schedule I couldn’t do it. I started thinking, this could be a great time to at least start making her quilt, which I wasn’t sure how I would do it.  I have never made a quilt before. Then I was thinking what am I thinking why not do something else, watch a movie, go shopping, read a book or writing. Part of me was saying to myself, it would a boring thing to do. But knowing my personality, this was in the back of my mind for the last six months and I promised I would make it, I don’t like to break my promise.

Thursday morning I decided this is it. I will start making her quilt today. I took all of her school t-shirts out and laid them on the living room floor. Something started changing in me, the more I was getting involved in it, the more I started to enjoy it. Every single t-shirt took me back to her past and I could see her wearing it. I started getting so much out of it. I didn’t want to do anything else except finish making the quilt than anything else. I used the front part of the shirt for the front quilt and the backs for her back quilt. But there was one shirt that had nothing on its back. I didn’t know how to use it. I thought maybe I would leave it blank or how go to the fabric store and see if they have anything I could use on it.

The next day, one of my friends called and asked if I wanted to go to the mall with her. I thought I should take a break and go. Just in case I took that blank T-shirt piece with me, thinking I might get some idea. When I went to the mall, I saw something and I thought, wow this is it! Just two days ago this guy just started his business at the market place mall. What he does, was he made prints on the t-shirts. You can ask him to write anything or have any kind of design and he would do it right there in front of you.

An idea came into my mind. But I wasn’t sure he will be able to do it, but I still asked, “I am making a quilt but I have this plain piece of fabric and I was wondering, would you be able to print a picture and a name on it”? I always carried my girl’s picture with me so I showed it to him and he said, “Sure, I can do it right now”. I got so excited, I gave him her baby picture when she was four months old and asked him to write underneath it her name. He got it done in no time.

As soon as I got home, I grabbed my sewing machine and started making her quilt. I used that blank fabric which now has her baby picture and her name on it in the middle of the quilt. Believe it or not I was getting joy from it and was feeling happy. I was on the sewing machine for almost 5 hours straight. I got done making the quilt in four days. It turned out really nice, I surprised myself.

When I started making it, my views and energy levels were so different than when I finished it. I know there are a lot of people who have already made quilts or are involved in sewing. But this was my first experience and I have more appreciation and understanding for those people. I now completely understand them; how they get so involved and enjoy from it.

I am glad I used my 4 day weekend on a great project which I know for sure my daughter will appreciate me forever. So while millions were eating Turkey, I was making the quilt and feeling more close to my girls even though I was home alone.

Love Mom

Thanksgiving/Black Friday

Thanksgiving/Black Friday

Thanksgiving is around the corner. It’s a beautiful holiday! Families and friends are looking forward to seeing each other and spending time together. Most of the people are off from work and that makes it even more enjoyable and memorable. Many people travel just to be with their loved ones. It doesn’t matter from which angle you look at it; it’s a beautiful tradition America has been following. And it doesn’t belong to only one nationality or country, it belongs to everyone.

Thanksgiving was the very first holiday I celebrated in the US. Until this day, 23 years later it’s still my favorite holiday and I have still been celebrating with my family and friends. But at first, I didn’t know much about American culture and why do Americans celebrate Thanksgiving.  After learning all about it I like it even more. But here’s the part I didn’t understand back then and still don’t. On Thanksgiving Thursday, family and friends meet and have a great time together. Thankful for everything for what we have and then a couple hours later people leave the house for black Friday shopping.

Black Friday has become the biggest day for money making. I feel like people feel pressured when they see sale signs and of course who doesn’t want a good deal. But in my opinion, Thanksgiving Day and evening should be with just family and not worry about getting up early or rushing to the stores for better deals. A day before we are thankful for what we have and couple hours later it’s back to buying more things. I also noticed many people don’t know the difference between need and want. They just buy and feel good and some of them later regret it. 

            This is another year lots of people have struggled financially. And it’s not hidden. We all know how our economy was and still is, this year many people struggled and barely made it. We should think about if we were the ones going through a tough time. When you don’t have enough money to pay the bills or feed your family, it’s a very hard thing to deal with. Think before going to the black Friday sales, is this something important and do I really need these things.  Don’t buy just because it’s on sale or looks cute or “you have to have it”. No, you don’t. 

            I am always comparing America with other poor countries all over the world.  Even though America has its own flaws we are still very lucky in many ways and should be thankful for that. Others people are struggling daily with basic needs such as clean water, food and shelter and here I see people’s homes are full of things but still complaining and buying more. Why is that? Have we become materialist and putting our families last? I wonder that. When we get the chance to spend time with family, why don’t we take full advantage without any distractions? Thanksgiving is a beautiful American tradition. Hopefully our kids with continue it like we do, but when they see how much buying things have become more important than spending time with family, what kind of lesson are we teaching them.

Have a great thanksgiving with your family and friends and I thank you for reading my stories and helping me to grow. 

Black Friday:

“Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have”!

Please don't take advantage of good people

Please don’t take advantage of good people

In May 2013, my youngest daughter finished her high school. And she decided to go to college out of town. Once she decided this, there was no point for us to keep my girls’ car. We decided to sell it. We made an ad and posted it all over the town. Lots of people contacted us but there was one text that came from a lady who was showing a lot of interest in our car. She told me she is a single parent of 3 years old, she is working and recently got into a car accident that totaled her car. She sounded like she needed a car as soon as possible.

She asked me questions about the car and I told her everything. Then she asked if it was ok for her to give my number to her Dad, because he was the one who would buy the car for me. I told her sure. The next day I got a call from her father. He seemed very nice and also asked me lots of questions about the car and I provided them with the best of my knowledge.

He said to me,  “Before we buy your car, I want my mechanic to look at it”. I said, “Sure, I think it’s a great idea”. Two days later I drove my car to his mechanic and that’s when I met his daughter for the first time. She seemed very young to have 3 years old. We talked for a little bit, through her talking I felt like she was desperate for a car because she told me her parents have to drop and pick her up from her work everyday and also they were watching her child. Before we left from the car place she told me she is going to talk to her father and he would call me. I told her sure. The car wasn’t a new car so it needed some repair but over all it was a reliable car. She told me she really like our car. I was feeling bad for her, there was apart of me that wanted to help her. We, girls and I talked and decided to sell it to her.  

Next day her dad called me and asked me if he could come and look at the car and take it for a test drive. I said sure, he came with his friend and they both drove and also showed interest. He said to me, they had been looking for a car for his daughter for a long time and they really like our car. The only thing was, the car needed some repairs and asked if we could drop the price a little. I told him I needed to think about it and would get back to him. I talked to my girls and we already wanted to help her so we decided to sell it to them with a little lower price.

I called and let them know and she was very happy. Three days later, we decided to meet at the DMV that way he could get the license plates and she would be able to drive. Everything seemed to be going just fine. We went to DMV and met him and his daughter there. She seemed very happy and he seemed like a caring father. I singed the title and sold the car to them. But when it was time to get the license plate and registration, they didn’t know the DMV didn’t take credit cards, they only take check and cash. It was around 4:45 pm and they close at 5:00 pm. He had his checkbook with him, the lady who was working at the counter didn’t say that ahead of time he would need two separate checks or he could combine the checks together. After he wrote the first check she asked him to write another check except he didn’t have any more checks left and brought exact cash to give to me for my car. Both him and his daughter didn’t have any extra cash with them. Time was running and I was feeling bad for them. He was thinking about going to ATM to take some cash out. But by the time he came back the DMV would be closed. I thought about it and my girls were feeling bad for them too. For some reason I had my checkbook with me so I asked the counter lady if I could right a check for him, if they could accept it. She said, “sure”.  It wasn’t a huge amount. Him and his daughter were grateful to me and he said, as soon as I get home I would mail you a check. I said “okay”.  

We sold our car to them in mid August and this is the month of November and I still have not received my money. In late August and September I called and texted both of them and since then nobody has replied or sent a check to me. It wasn’t a big amount but that part is still bothering me, I helped them thinking they needed help and was hoping they would appreciate me but since it has been 3 months, looking back they took advantage of me. And that is the part bothering me the most.

When people do these kinds of things, it’s hard to trust the right people. People should think before they take advantage of others. Now looking back at that time I know I did the right thing but here and there I question myself, why did they take advantage of us. We were already helping them; I lowered the price and wrote a check for them. I didn’t have to do any of that but since I put people first and I felt that it was the right thing to do.

Finding My Father

                            Finding My Father        

         

On March 17, 2012 it will have been thirty seven years since my father passed away. Every year when this date comes, I miss him and wish he were alive so I can call him father. Growing up my mother (Amee) told me that when I was three years old, my father passed away. I don’t have any memories of him. I miss the father I made up in my head. I remember as a child wishing that he wasn’t gone and that one day the doorbell would ring and he would be home. He would look very happy, healthy; he would hold me in his arms, swing me around and give me lots of presents as if he had just returned from a business trip. From that day on, my mother and my sisters would live happily ever after. The reality was and is that he did die, I was three years old.

I am forty years old. And today is the first time I am writing and thinking about my father about whom I have no memories at all. I have seen his pictures, his hand writing and his personal belongings such as his jacket, writing pad, briefcase and his camera. Through those things I have created memories about him.  

Growing up my Amee and other family members always told me that I looked like him. I always felt great about it.  I was born on a religious day and he was very happy about it, he picked my name “Zainab”.  The day after I was born he got a good business deal and I was his good lucky daughter. I was close to him. When I turned one year old, he threw a huge party for me. Amee tells me that I remind her of him. Every time I look at my face in the mirror I search for him in my own face. 

His name was Mohammed Madar Susi. He was born in India, Karghar on February 15, 1929.  My parents got married on March 12, 1966 when he was 37 years old.  He passed away on March 17, 1975 at the age of 46.  My mom didn’t know how he died the only thing she always says is that he was a heavy cigarette smoker, and he died in a hospital.  He was a photographer, his hobbies were writing short stories, drawing human sketches and he loved to take other people’s pictures.  He was tall like his own father, 6 ft 2 inches tall, normal built. According to my mother he was a heavy tea drinker. 

Just by writing about my father makes me want to meet him more. I wish I had memories with him. I am 40 years old and I am missing my dad. I guess when it comes down to it your parent’s age doesn’t matter because the feelings are the same.  Amee and my sisters have always missed him but we have never had an open conversation about him.  But today I called my mom and asked her to tell me whatever memories she had about him. She was okay about it and also two of my older sisters remembered him very well. I envy them. They were happy to share their limited and valuable memories with me.

After writing down what I know now and how I feel has made me miss him more but at the same time I am feeling relaxed and happy about it. I guess I didn’t know until now that I was withholding emotions towards him without knowing it.  I am proud to say that he was my father and I will always miss him.

Good news

Good news

It seems like bad things happen to good people and that there are more bad people in this world than good people. I recently had a personal experience involving this that I would like to share. We are working in education and somehow are making a difference in a child’s life every day. Besides being educators we all have personal lives too. When we all come to work it doesn’t matter what happened the night before at home. We come to work with positive attitudes and look at each day as a new day. But for some of us it isn’t easy to smile each day and forget about what’s happening at home.

Last week was a very hard week for me and I felt overwhelmed. I happened to share my woes with some of my co-workers and felt pretty good after I let it all out. They listened to me, supported me, and said many positive things to me. My situation didn’t change but I felt better knowing that there are people at work that I can trust and count on. It means a lot to me. Two days later there was a card in my mailbox with something else also in it, from an amazing person. She wrote many positive things about me and life. I was speechless and couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my face. I walked to this person and tried my best to return it because I knew this amazing person wasn’t in a great situation. She refused to take it back and said to me, “A couple of years ago, when I was going through a hard time, someone else passed this blessing to me and told me that this is not for you to keep but to use it and later when you think you are ready pass it onto someone else”. I felt very touched and blessed. I truly believe there are more good people than bad, though the good aren’t featured on the front page of the newspaper they are out there. I happened to meet one of them in my own building. She inspired me and when I am ready, it’s my job to pass it on to someone else. That person should pass it onto someone else and blessing will continue on.

 

Let it go

Let it go!

Life is too short. We all say that but do we really know what it means. People come in and out of our lives. It’s not always easy to say good bye to them especially to those who left a mark on your heart. But life goes on and each day is a new day for a new beginning.

When I moved to America, I missed my family back home a lot. For many years I wish I was with my family. I imagined having them here with me and even my conversations were all connected to them. But at some point I had to understand that I am here and they are there. I made the choice to stay here. It’s okay to miss them but not to the extreme where I am not living my life. I had to let go of my old life and welcome my new life with open arms. Once I did that, I started feeling lighter and realized I had been living in the past and was wasting the present.

Choosing to let go of the past, also meant letting go of some relationships and events. Everything that happens to us in life teaches us something, each person we encounter is there for a purpose. I believe that regardless of whether they leave a good or bad impression on use we can learn something nevertheless. It comes down to whether we, ourselves, want and are willing to learn.

Letting go isn’t an easy process but it is a choice. When I let go of certain things and the people who weren’t good for me and my family, I feel lighter and happier. When we keep thinking about the past and people, and have a hard time letting go, we give our control to that person. Take your control back and live life how you want to, not the other way around.  

Many of us have regrets about our past lives that we wish we could change. But there is nothing we can do about it, except learn from it and move on. I read a book called “The Power of Now”  by Ekharat Tolle. In his book he talks about living moment to moment and not to focus or worry for the future. He is right, there is no tomorrow, therefore whatever we have is today, in the current moment, we shouldn’t waste it.

All the negativity in our lives isn’t good for us. We all know that. But for whatever reason, we don’t let it go, we keep dragging and slowly it becomes a heavy burden on our shoulders. When 2012 was starting, one of my New Year’s resolutions was to think positive and not let any negativity come into my life. It was hard and still is but it’s been four months and I have come out much stronger and happier. My life isn’t pretty, perfect or anything like that. I used to have lots of friends or at least I thought they were my friends. But I noticed that they don’t call me as much as I do them and after meeting with them, instead of feeling good I would feel negative or unhappy. I would rather have a hand full of people who truly care and want to be friends with you. People who know who you are and that make you a better person.  There is a quote that states, “What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.”

People say age makes you a wiser person. I believe we can be immature for the rest of our lives if we don’t let go of our past’s, negativity and appreciate what’s good in our lives. Don’t let anyone else control your life but you. 

Regret free life

Regret free life

When we are kids everything seems easy and the world seems so big. There was no dream too big to follow and the imagination has no limits. It doesn’t matter which part of the world you are born, another part of the world always appears more interesting. Some of us have always known what we wanted to be when we grow up, but for some of us it changed all the time. The reality is that time does fly and before we know it we grow up. At this point most of us look back with regret and wish things were different.

When I was young I was so sure that when I grew up I wanted to become a doctor. But things do not always work out the way we want them to. Not everyone’s life is simple. I had to let go of my dream of being a medical doctor. There are many people out there working in jobs that are in no way related to what they dreamed about. Most of us accept it easily but some of us struggle and wish they could have had their dream jobs.

The same thing goes with lifestyle, weight, attitude, friendship, family, relationships, etc. Many of us want to feel healthy and look healthy from the inside and outside. But we aren’t always making choices that do that. Our life’s stress and circumstances change our attitudes and we become negative. We all know that negative energy is very strong and powerful; anyone around us can feel it. I believe all of us want to provide the best things for our families but how many of us are successful? In addition how many of us go to bed at the end of the day and feel like we’ve come up short? We all want to raise our kids in a happy and healthy environment. Unfortunately not everyone is able to. Relationships are another big issue that many of us feel guilty about. Every single person deserves to be in a healthy and happy relationship. But we only have control of ourselves. What the other person is doing is their responsibility although it affects those around them.

 Friendship is a beautiful thing. Some friends are better than family members and some friends are not good for us or for our families. I personally had to let go of many of my friends that I realized weren’t good influences. At first I felt really bad and tried not to break the friendship but at some point I had to put myself first.  

We are all human and nobody’s life is perfect. We need to let go of our guilt and start accepting the reality of life. The people who are our real friends, and who deeply care for us, will always be there no matter what.

But we need to remember that no situation is permanent. Sometimes we simply need to hang in there for just a little bit longer. Look outside of the box and let go of the past. Live in the present moment because it’s real and that’s all we have. Many of us have guilt and sometimes in our lives we all wish we can go back and change our past. But it isn’t possible. We should learn from the past and try not to make the same mistake again. As long as we live we will be making mistakes, we’re human.

At-least we can make our lives better with time and start living a guilt free life. We will feel more at peace with the understanding that your faults aren’t your weaknesses because they can be turned into strengths.

I am 40 years old and when I look back on my life I have a whole list of guilt but at some point I had to accept it. I did what I knew back then and it felt right at that time. My future is awaiting me and that is what should be focused on. “When you know better you do better”.

Role Model

Role Model

I recently met a very nice young man. He was not just good looking but also very intelligent, respectful and focused. After talking about miscellaneous things, we ended up talking about education. I asked him what school he attended and his answer was, “I wish I was in school, but I wasn’t smart enough to stay in college.” I then asked, “What changed?” and he replied, “After I dropped college, I met someone and this person made me realize how important education is.”  He also said that growing up he didn’t have any good role models, nobody from his family had attended college. I realized how important it was to have a good role model.

            We talked for a while and I truly enjoyed our conversation. It was very educational, and he was very smart. He has such a distinction between right and wrong, the value of school, family, different religions, culture and even politics. I was very impressed but at the same time I was feeling sad for this young man. I kept thinking about what he could do if he continues his education, he is planning to return to school and I wish him the very best.  

            I remember when my daughters first started high school and countless people asked me if my girls wanted to go to college? At first I didn’t understand why people were asking me this question. There was no option of not going to college. I grew up with education being a huge part of our society. My girls knew from an early age that they had to go to college.

When I started learning that not everyone wants to go to college, I began to understand why people asked me that question. I read an article about “dropout factories” — high schools where at least 60 percent of the students do not graduate on time. (http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/high-school-graduation-rate-rises-in-us/2012/03/16/gIQAxZ9rLS_story.html)

No doubt many factors are involved and I am no one to judged but it is a very sad fact. After talking to him and reading this article it made me start realizing that kids aren’t the only ones who need good role models, we all do. We tend to focus more on children, which is understandable. But what I am seeing these days is that there are many teens that act like they know everything but are actually desperate for positive attention and are looking for a good role model.

Many of us have friends and family, whom we trust and feel comfortable with sharing our issues and struggles. They support us, make us feel welcome, don’t judge us and help us understand our situation. We like this feeling of being welcomed and comforted and want to meet these kinds of people again. The way I look at it is that some friends and family members are great role models to us, and at times we are their role models. Roles are constantly being reversed.

It doesn’t matter what culture you’re from or what your age is, we all need a good role model. My role model was my high school principal. She was a great lady; I have so much respect for her. Besides teaching us, whenever she had time she would come and talk to us about basic life issues.  The way in which she talked to us was very calm, gentle, and respectful. She showed how much she truly cared for each student.

Being a good role model to others is a very powerful thing. We never know how we’ll impact another person.

Writing

Writing

I was 18 years old when one of my cousin’s gave me a journal as a gift.  He had seen me show interest in writing but until then I hadn’t had a proper journal or anything. At that time I was getting ready to move to America and this is what he gave me.  He wrote down his mailing address into that journal and said, “don’t forget write to us and you can’t have any excuses about not knowing the address”. I got really excited, it may sound simple but I had never had a journal before. I gathered many other addresses in it after time and always wrote to my family long after I had moved.

Coming to the U.S was my first time ever traveling outside of my home town. Everything from the jet plane to hearing English all around me was an entirely new experience. I wanted to capture that moment, so I wrote down every detail of my trip. In my journal I said that, “the woman who is sitting next to me must be American she is so white, her hair is blond and she is speaking English to me, she doesn’t know I don’t speak English but I am carefully focusing on each word and answering her in my broken English”. I had henna tattoos on both of my hands when I met her. I observed that, “She is fascinated by henna and asked me if she touches it, will it come off”. It’s been twenty two years since I took that trip and still today when I open read it, it takes me back to my first trip on the KLM Jet.

Once I moved here I had a lot of free time and I would write daily about anything. But as time progressed life became so hectic and busy that I was unable to maintain my daily journaling. Yet still every vacation or journey I have been on, I had my journal with me. It’s almost like having a best friend with you. I have countless journals filled with my life’s stories and events.

Like many people I don’t buy a new journal every year but when needed. When my birthdays come most of my gifts have turned into journals, that’s best gift anyone can give it to me. Every single journal of my life is like treasure to me. It is more than paper, it is full of life. As computers became more advanced and accessible I began to journal on the computer too, but there is something unique about an empty page in your hand that you fill with your thoughts and ideas.  

Over time I have watching my writing style change as well. I write down how my month was, good or bad, and I make a list of everything that happened. As humans we tend to focus on the negative more than the positive but once you write it down and look at it, more good things happen than the bad.  

Writing has been helping me to deal with any kind of situation I am in. I am very honest with my self and with my writing, once I write it down it doesn’t matter what kind of situation I am in, I can see everything on the paper clearly. In a way it’s a mirror of what I am dealing with and how I feel about it. It isn’t the easiest thing to face but it’s the only way to learn from life.  

I use to be very shy person but my writing has helped me to come out of that shell. My confidence and self-esteem is higher now and I have a dream to one day publish a book.

Writing is a very powerful tool that helps to make our lives better, easier to cope with, and remain on the right path too. It has helped me be myself.  

Have a great summer

Happy writing!

You be The Judge

You be The Judge

In 2009 I drove to my girl’s school to pick them up. When I was going I drove at a normal speed. But after picking them up, I forgot that the school zone speed dropped to 20 mph. Still I wasn’t speeding or anything like that because of how busy it was, I drove 21 mph.

The police came behind me with their siren on. I was still crossing the school and was by an alley where all the school busses come in to pick up the kids. There was lots of traffic and he wanted me to turn into the bus line so I did.  He said I was going over the speed limit and gave me the speeding in school zone ticket. I was mad. You know how the police always wait for you to leave after giving the ticket and then they leave; well this police officer didn’t do that. As soon as he gave me the ticket he zoomed his car in front of mine and left. When I was about to leave I noticed that I couldn’t back up due to traffic but there were lots of busses parked in front me. I was so mad and frustrated and wanted to get home as soon as I could. I couldn’t see if the busses flags were out or not.  I did the same thing that the police officer did. My mental condition was bad because I couldn’t believe I got a speeding ticket. I was so angry and frustrated because he sad that I would have to go to court for it as well. Oh great is what I thought.

I got home and sat down, took a deep breath and starting thinking about where am I going to get the money for the ticket? Half an hour later my daughter came to my room and asked me in a nervous voice if I could take her to practice. I didn’t feel like driving ever again, but twenty minutes later I was on the road again, taking care of my responsibilities. After I dropped her off, my youngest daughter called me on my cell phone. As soon as I picked it up, she sounded very scared. I asked her, “what’s wrong” and she said, “The police is here”.  My heart dropped, I was already pretty mad at the ticket now what? I told her, “I am on my way home but what did he want?” She said, “He wants to talk to you and he says he is going to wait for you outside”. I said, to her. “No matter what don’t open the door”.  I don’t remember how I drove home, thinking my child is home alone and the police is outside of my door. I hope it’s not bad news.

As soon as I turned into my driveway, I saw the same police officer who gave me a speeding ticket standing in my driveway. I came out from my car, walked by him and asked him, “now what”? He could tell by my face I was mad. He asked me if after I gave you the ticket did you back up and leave or did you drive through the alley? I said, “I drove through the alley. Why? He said, “Did you see the buses were standing there? I said yes. Then he asked me if I saw that the flags were out. I said, “I honestly don’t remember”. I was so angry and wanted to go home. I didn’t focus. He said, “After you left I got a call from the school. One of the bus driver’s told the principal who saw you passing the school bus while the flag was out.”  My blood pressure was getting higher and higher. I looked at him and said, “Are you serious, that’s why you came to my door.” He looked at me and then I said, “Are you going to give me another ticket”. I got two big tickets on the same day.  I don’t have words to describe how I was feeling that day.  Yes, it was my fault.  I take my responsibility and I am not proud of it. But I didn’t do it on purpose. I paid lots of money for those two tickets.

Being a single parent is hard enough but when these kinds of things happen it adds up. Money is another issue that a single parent has to deal with. It is very stressful and many times very painful.

When my oldest daughter turned 16 and got her license, her father gave her his old truck to drive. Last year her truck started having lots of issues and at some point we had to get rid of it. But then all three of us were depending on one car. The girls have to be at school around 8:00 AM and I have to be at work a little before 8:00 AM. Three months ago one morning just like many mornings, all of us were hurrying to get to school and work on time, depending on one car. We were running late and had to drop the girls off first so then I can go to work. I drove more than 2O mph. Here we are getting late and the police came behind us and stopped us. The funny thing is that it was the same police officer from before. I tried to talk to him and explain why I was rushing and to please give me the warning but not a ticket, he didn’t care. He gave me a ticket and I was supposed to go to court for that too. This time I knew it would be more than I paid the first time. I didn’t know what to do. So I called my lawyer friend and told her what happened and how she can help me.

 Today was my court date and I had to pay $ 1100.  It is a lot of money for me to pay. I wanted to talk to the Judge and explain. Yes I am guilty for speeding, but you should also know why I was speeding. Not for fun but to be a responsible mother who was rushing to drop her daughters to school on time and be at work on time for her family. Instead of just focusing on the speeding ticket also look at the person’s character too. I am an American Citizen, I pay taxes, I pay my bills on time, I don’t take drugs, alcohol, abuse my kids, or am bad mother. I am a good person, educated and a single parent of two; I take care of them as best as I can. I asked my lawyer friend if it would help if I talked to him, she said there was no point. He would only look at if you broke the law or not. And if you did that there is nothing to talk about, those are your consequences. I understood her but don’t agree with her.

 When I was leaving from the court house and driving back home, I was thinking about how hard it is to do the right thing. I am all by myself, and trying to do the right thing. Everyone has flaws; I guess driving over the speed limit is my down side. But I don’t understand this system, if someone is already struggling and fighting with life and trying to make it better for herself and her daughters, punishing her with money doesn’t solve anything. It actually adds more stress. What about community services or class. I didn’t get offered anything. Honestly it seemed to me that all that they care for is money. Negative thoughts were coming into my mind too. Maybe it would be better if I was not a good person and was doing bad things. I wonder how that would be. Being a good citizen and doing the right thing only makes us struggle more and causes stress, it adds more problems. Is this what good people’s lives should be? 

Vacation for everyone

Vacation for everyone

Summer time is the most popular time in America for vacation. Kids are on summer break, parents save their vacations until summer and families start planning ahead. Most people who go on vacation like to travel away from home, visit family or friends or a new place. They like to change their scenery and spend a week or so feeling refreshed and enjoying their time away from work and home.

But not everyone can afford a vacation. With this economy, most people are struggling.  People are working and carefully watching their finances. People are also losing jobs and worrying about making ends meet for their family.  The bottom line is that whether you have money or not, every single person would like to take a vacation. But how can everyone afford it?  

I believe we should change our mentality about vacation. Ask yourself what you can afford, and still be happy and relaxed, without traveling far from home and without spending too much. We take vacations to feel refreshed and relaxed. We need to start thinking outside the box on how this can be accomplished. It’s very important for the mind and body to take vacations. But if a big vacation isn’t possible, we can definitely take as many mini vacations as we want.

Take a break from your busy day just for ten or fifteen minutes and do nothing. Sit outside, look at the flowers, and go on a walk. During your work break instead of eating and spending your break with the same people you work with, go to the park and eat there, change your scenery. When you are home, go to your favorite part of your home and relax.

            When my daughters were young we only ate dinner at the kitchen table and no where else in the house. However a few years ago we changed this. Whenever there is a long weekend, not just in the summer time, we have a girl’s night in. We plan this two or three days in advance. We order pizza (when there is a good deal) or whatever our favorite food is, or we all cook dinner together. All of us love ice-cream and so when I do shopping for that week in particular I get some and no one is allowed to touch it until Friday night. Then we rent a movie from the red box or get movies from the library.

            We eat in the living room in front of the TV while watching a movie and when it is time to eat ice-cream we don’t get bowls but get three spoons and eat from the same ice-cream tub. Its fun, relaxing, and good quality time with family. It doesn’t cost a lot either.

            In the summer time each town does different activities for the community. We should take full advantage of it and go have fun with our family and friends. Many restaurants and coffee shops have deals during the summer. Most of us have a stressful lifestyle, take some time from your busy day and do small yoga breathing exercises; you will feel very relaxed afterwards. I recently found out that at the Parkland college they are giving full hour body massage for just $10. 00. You can call and make an appointment.  For me that is going to be my mini vacation.

I believe that for fun and relaxation we don’t have to go far, even if we can afford it. Each day we can have mini vacations of our own by simple drinking a good cup of coffee/drink and having some time for ourselves.

Instead of comparing ourselves with others or feeling sorry for ourselves, just think outside of the box and let go of all your stress, enjoy the moment. That’s all we have. Have a great summer! 

Women’s journey

                                                          Women’s journey

Recently a friend and I had a discussion about women and love. Honestly, how many of us know the real meaning of love? We all want it and look for it, but why do we keep on coming up short? If we are doing everything right, then shouldn’t the relationship last?

It doesn’t matter where we are from; we all want to be loved. Many of us, however, have this unrealistic idea about love. The man should be tall, handsome and perfect in every way. Where do we get these notions? Fairytales and movies are where these perfect people exist. We learn about love and the form it should come in from when we are little girls.  They show it in Disney’s animated classics, but the truth is that life is nothing like a movie and we need to accept that. Yet still when we determine if someone is right for you we look for these hero-like qualities. Time to time again we are let down but we put the blame on the other person rather then take responsibilities for our own actions. We get emotional and cry on each other’s shoulders and feel sorry for ourselves. But, how many of us learn from the relationship and try to make better choices after that?

In my opinion, before we even start talking about the man and his flaws we should evaluate ourselves and find our own flaws and weaknesses. Everything starts the people we are. Many women are achieving success in the work place in addition to raising kids and running a household. We are already able to juggle a lot but yet finding love is still the greatest obstacle. Someone else cannot make us happy until we find happiness in ourselves. It is possible to find Prince Charming but they may not come in the way we expect them to. We have to accept the person as is and then we will see the qualities we have been looking for.

Though we may not like to agree that it’s true, we women like to be in control. A relationship should be a partnership not a dictatorship. We don’t want anybody to control us so why do we try to control the other person? It’s rather hypocritical. The feeling of needing to be in control comes from insecurity, a low-self-esteem and plain fear. Many women don’t feel good enough about themselves and compare themselves with other women. The fear of failure pushes the need for control. For any healthy and happy relationships, communication is the key and after that pure honesty. Willingness to take a risk is important so that the relationship can have a fighting chance.

Every person is different therefore it’s unfair to judge a new person based on our past experiences. In contrast if we are gravitating towards the same type of men time after time again and continue getting hurt, there’s a good indicator of what we may be doing wrong.

Being afraid isn’t a bad thing but it’s necessary to find out what you are afraid of.  You can be afraid for the rest of your life and live alone or take a risk at happiness. As scary as it may be we have to let our guards down and let potential come in. For example, you can’t shake someone’s hand with a fist. You have to open all of the fingers in order to shake their hand. So be open.

Physical attraction is the first thing you notice when you meet someone new. Though we all know not to judge a book by its cover, that’s exactly what we do every day.  Our Prince Charming may be right in front of us but we can’t see it because he doesn’t look like a prince.  

50% of Americans are divorced which means 50% of Americans are single and available. I myself am divorced and have been single for the last 8 years. After my divorced I didn’t want to meet anyone and have to start all over again. I was afraid. I decided to raised my daughters and just be a mom. But as they grew up I realized that there isn’t anything wrong with dating. But since I didn’t work on myself first when I met knew people I just assumed that they would make me happy. But last year I decided that 2012 would be a good year for me. I took charge of my life.  I started working on myself, one thing at a time. I decided to why things didn’t work out in a very open perspective.

   I didn’t do it for anybody else, but myself and for my daughters. I started accepting myself as I am and started working on the weak areas of my life. My self-esteem got better. I feel great being single. I feel happy and I’ve never been a better mother. I am transforming myself completely from the inside out.

            When we talk about love the first thing that comes to our mind is feeling good about each other, wanting to be with this person all the time, your heart beats faster when you look at them. For me that is not love. This kind of love suits teenagers when in high school. Love should be more mature, peaceful, relaxed, understanding, caring, trusting, and communicating. Without touching he can touch your heart. To me that’s love. Love is a deeper connection between two people who deeply care, respect and want to be with each other.

I would rather be with someone who I can truly love for a short time, instead of spending the rest of my life with superficial love. It took me time to understand how important self-respect and pride is. Once you have it nobody can take it from you. When we feel complete within us, others can see and that’s when you attract the right people. Beauty comes from within and the people who see who you are on the inside are the one’s who will love you unconditionally. 

Saeeda Baji (older sister)

Saeeda Baji (older sister)

Today is July 4 2012 at 2:18 AM. For the last few hours I have been trying to sleep but can’t since I got a text from home. “Her surgery just started and it will be done in 2.5 hours. Keep praying”. Her whole life is in front of my eyes like a movie, I never thought I could be so attached to her.

Her name is Saeeda. She is my eldest sister and that’s why we all call her Baji. Baji means an elder sister with respect. She is five years older then me. Growing up I don’t have many memories of her. But I remember that she was in 2^nd grade with me. At that time I wondered how they two of us could be in the same grade but I never asked. I also noticed that she was getting special treatment from the teachers and the principle. Before we both finished 2^nd grade she stopped going to school and stayed at home.

Later this is what my mother told me about her. She was born perfectly normal, no physical issues; as a matter of fact she is prettier than all five of us sisters. But when she was nine years old our father suddenly died from cancer and she went into shock. She lost her ability to speak properly and became very aggressive. I still remember in school she would always sit in a big red chair and the whole class knew it was her chair. One day one of the boys decided to sit in her chair. I don’t know if he did it on purpose or not but she got very angry and slapped him. He started crying and the teacher took her to the principle’s office. Since that day she never went back to school.

Instead she stayed at home and helped our mother out with house chores. She wasn’t physically aggressive toward any of us but if she gets upset her language becomes very violent and vulgar. She cried and cried and wouldn’t talk to any of us for days. She is very sensitive. None of us could have a normal conversation with her. She wouldn’t understand but she always complained that she was treated like a child. She behaved like a child but she always wanted to be treated like an oldest sister with responsibilities.

Growing up we all noticed that our mother treated her differently and gave her extra care and love. Still none of us ever became jealous of her because of that. Though we didn’t know what was wrong with her we felt it. She never had friends like the rest of us and stayed home with our mom. Our mother was very protective of her.

Slowly when I started growing up, I noticed that her language was bad it was hard to understand her. As family we got used to it but outsiders have a hard time understanding her. She tries her best to help but she has no understanding, for example about cooking for 4 people versus 8 people. She always cooks a lot. She wouldn’t take a shower or change clothes until it was really dirty or until mom made her change, then she would get upset. When we came home from school she served lunch to us and wouldn’t let any of us clean the table or help her out. Later on I learned that was her thing and it was making her happy. She enjoyed stitching and I remember she leaned quite a while from all of us. She always wanted to go to school with us. When we were doing homework, she would come and sit with us. She also had a backpack with her notebooks too. Mom would give her something to write and learn but she had a learning disability as well.

Back then people didn’t have awareness about how to treat people that were different. The way our mother raised all five of us we never treated her differently. Yet other kids would call her crazy and make her cry for hours. She would get really mad and run after them to hit them; the kids laughed at her and thought it was funny. I still remember her crying, painful and hopeless face.

I never liked seeing her serving food to all of us or cleaning after us. I tried so hard to stop her but many times she thought I was against her and she would get upset at me. I guess she enjoyed doing house chores, cleaning and cooking. One day when she was 17 while we were at school she was cleaning and opened the glass window. She didn’t know it was loose and that her hand was underneath the whole glass came on her hand and cut the veins in her fingers. Mother told us later that she screamed and the blood was all over. As soon as mom took her to the hospital they had to do emergency surgery. When she got home she was smiling and showed all of us what happened. She said to us, “I am a very strong girl, I didn’t even cry”. As soon as her hand started feeling a little bit better she started doing everything again. However the doctor said that by the time she got to the hospital she had lost lots of blood and her veins had begun to shrink. They did physical therapy for a short time but there was nothing else that could be done. Her hand wasn’t the same after that because now she can’t no longer touch her fingers together.

My two other elder sister’s marriage proposals started coming and soon they were married. Saeeda didn’t like that, she used to fight with mom and tell her that our mom didn’t love her that’s why she wouldn’t get her married. Though there were no proposals for her, she wasn’t aware that there was something wrong with her. When my marriage proposal came she was 22 years old, though it wasn’t my fault I felt guilty.

No one told mom that there were special schools that could help people like Saeeda. However it may have been hard for her to accept that there was something wrong with her. After our father’s death she became her security blanket, and I don’t think that mom wanted to let go. I noticed when I moved to America that there were schools for people like her; I wished that she had had the opportunity to come here.

As we got older we started thinking about how she had never been properly diagnosed or treated. One day I called my other sister and talked her into going to a doctor to see what the problem was. After many tests and results we found out that from birth she had a mental disability. We still don’t know if that had something to do with our father’s death but that’s when mom started noticing it and she blamed it on his death.

She is 45 years old now and living with our mother, she is still taking care of the house. Mom and Saeeda are so close and are like best friends. Many years ago suddenly my other sister’s husband passed away and she moved in with her two daughters. When I went back home to visit 5 years ago, I saw a strong team bond between all five of them and that made me feel really good. Anywhere my sister and nieces goes they always take her with them. They carefully take care of her needs.  Every time I called home I talk to Saeeda too. Sometime’s I understand what she is saying sometime’s I don’t. But I don’t show her. I try to make her laugh because it is the purest laugh I’ve heard.

When we were young I don’t remembered how but we got really weird nick names that us sisters still call each other. She was called grandfather, mainly because of her strong personality. I was called stick becomes I was skinny. Still whenever we talk to each other that is what we call each other.

Three weeks ago I got a call from my other sister and she told me that they had found a tumor in Saeeda’s uterus. My first reaction was God why her? They also found out that she has hyperthyroidism and due to that she has been loosing weight very quickly. From 130 lbs to 90 lbs. She is anemic as well and has to have bloods before and after the surgery. Because she’s anemic her heart rate was abnormal. When I called and asked how she was doing she said, “don’t worry about me I am a very strong woman and don’t you cry”. No doubt she is a very strong woman. 

Today was her surgery. Not to long ago I got a call from my niece with news that her surgery was five hours long due to her heart issue. But the surgery is all done and she will be in the Intensive Care Unit for the next 24 hours.

Last night my sister called me and said that the surgery was successful. They will take her home soon. I pray to God to please take good care of her and give her a healthy and long life (Amen). She is a blessing to our family. She has had a very hard life but she accepts who she is and is always smiling and taking care of her family. I wish her all the happiness in the world and miss her a lot.

Love Zainab