Next Chapter of our lives!

Next Chapter of our lives!

 

When our children born, we are happy and get busy taking care of them and trying our best to raise them. Most parents especially mothers, forget who they are and put their children’s needs and desires first. I was/am one of those mothers. We parents enjoy everything they learn from crawling to potty training. I was 22 and 23 years old when I had my first and 2^nd daughter. They are both beautiful girls. I had the privilege to be a stay at home mom. I have seen them grow up like a flower blooms in front of one’s eyes. Now suddenly they have grown up, I don’t know when and how that happened. They are both taller than me, talk to me like adults, are very mature and finishing high school.  

 It seems like yesterday when my oldest started high school. I knew that after four years, once she is done with high school, she will go to college and that following year my youngest will do the same thing. When I was raising my daughters I made sure they thought outside of the box and experienced as such as they could. The world is huge but no matter your dreams, anything can be achieved. By having their parents being from Pakistan and growing up in America they found a balance of both cultures.

My oldest daughter is graduating in May of 2012 from high school.  And in the Fall of 2012 she will be in college. This is my first experience and I don’t know how other parents feel about it.  I raised my child like she was in a plastic bubble. I protected her as such as I could and now suddenly, she will be her own. I am very happy for her. She is looking forward to the next chapter of her life; college. I want her to live her life and get experiences.

When my both girls were born that was the happiest day of my life. My oldest was always mature for her age.  Her teachers love her and she always did the right thing.  She is my daughter and my friend. Since I became a single parent after a very short time, I felt like I wasn’t alone or empty. I had two children.

 Whatever my oldest was doing was my first experience too.  I grew up with her too. And suddenly it feels like this is it, I have done my job and it’s time for her to be on her own. I have to trust her and believe that she will know what to do no matter what comes her way. She will always need her mother but I can’t be with her everywhere she goes.  She will make mistakes too, but this is the only way she is going to find her path of life.

 I don’t care where she goes to college as long as in the end she is happy with her decision. This is my first experience and I don’t know how other parents feel, when their kids go to college. Right now my emotions are high and low. I am truly very proud of her and want her to live her life, but at the same time I want to protect her.  

It’s a new chapter of both of our lives. As a single parent, that’s the only life I have. But now it feels like suddenly they don’t need me as much as they used to and it’s time for me to start thinking about myself and not only her. I don’t like that idea but I understand.  I am someone who always likes to be busy and is always doing something so I know I will be fine. But we parents also grow up with our kids and it doesn’t matter what chapter we are in our lives, we face it and deal with it. I wish her all the best!

Refreshing

Refreshing

Last month was my birthday, many people called and wished me happy birthday. My close friends asked me when I was free to celebrate with them. My first reaction was; it’s not a big deal, don’t worry about it. I noticed I wasn’t excited or wanting to meet anybody. I treasure my friends very much, we call and text each other all the time but I wasn’t up for going out. It wasn’t about them, it was about me. But at some point I was thinking and asking myself what’s my issue? I used to go and enjoy it but why not now? I didn’t have an answer. I changed my mind and made plans with my friends.

            I had a great time. We all know old friends are priceless. When I was heading home after visiting them, I was thinking, I used to go out and meet my friends all the time why did I stop doing it?  I started digging deeper and one thing to another lead me to losing interest with going out or meeting with friends. My job became my priority; many times the weather stopped me, and my girls. Last year my oldest daughter moved to California for school. And this was my first experience dealing with college applications and sending a child away. I guess that made me tired or I focused solely on her. After she moved out it was just my youngest daughter and I. I wanted to get home from work as soon as I could to be home with her. And once I am home I get busy with house responsibilities and stuff. Before I knew it, I was looking for any excuse not to go out and meet friends.

                        I believe as a human it’s our need to be around other humans. And when we don’t we somehow isolate our self and miss that connection. A daily routine can become boring for some people. I am one of those people. When we do something out of our routine, it can feel overwhelming or uncomfortable but does help us refresh and reconnect with ourselves. Going out doesn’t mean spending money, we can just order coffee/ soda or we can meet at each other homes.

            I am a mother and I will always be. It’s very important to have my own life too, where I can be just me without carrying my mother’s title.  I love people and I like to be around them. Work and house responsibilities will always be there and it’s good to take it seriously, but those things shouldn’t become our lives, it should become a part.

            A couple weeks ago, there was an event at the high school. I haven’t been to high school for a while so it was a weird feeling but I went because I wanted to be there for my daughter. It was really nice to see her performance. After, I ran to many other parents who I haven’t talked or seen in quite a while. And they felt the same way about me. It was really nice seeing all of them and to talk. When I was driving home, I was thinking I am glad I didn’t leave the school right away and got the chance to talk to them. Here and there we all should take a break, go out, meet friends or do something out of our routine. It’s refreshing and healthy for our soul.    

Away from family

Away from family

Once you become an US immigrant, you can apply for your family back home. But there are different categories. And depending on each category will take a certain amount of time for the beneficiary to get a US visa. The first is husband and wife, kids, parents and after that are brother and sisters. Husband or wife, kids and parents doesn’t take much time. When I became a US citizen which was 22 years ago, I applied for my mother and she got her visa in a year or so.  She came stayed with me but didn’t like it here so she went back home. At that time my other sisters needed my mother more than I did.  But after seeing what’s happening in Pakistan and the political problems getting worse day by day. There is no security and peace at all. My sisters don’t want to stay there and I also want my sisters to be safe and have the family live nearby.

 In 2004, I decided to apply for all of my four sisters. It’s like a part time job, filling out all the papers, and all of the requirements, the process is very slow. In 2007, I got the letter from immigration asking for my sister’s documents, which is a good sign. Meaning they are working on it, but then nothing happened. In 2010, I got another letter saying we have all of your documents we needed from you and your case has been approved now we are sending your file to the visa center. They’re the ones who issue visas to everyone. My sisters and I got really excited. We started thinking, we are getting so close. But before we knew it years went by and nothing happened. Last year in 2012, I called immigration and asked how much longer it would take. They said to me, we are still working on 2001 files and you had applied in 2004 so this could take could years.

Last week my sisters and I were talking and once again we were wondering this is 2013, what’s happening now? I decided to call again and find out, but before I called I was hopeful to hear some good news, it’s been 8 years since I have applied. We are all getting frustrated. The immigration officer said to me, we are behind and right now we are working on 2002 files, your files could take 3 to 4 more years. This has been a very long journey and is still not over. When I applied, my girls were in grade school and now they are off to college. When I realized this, I felt sadness in me. We have to wait 3 to 4 more years until my sister’s got here. Who knows what’s going to happen in the next 4 years. Living away from family is very hard thing to do. I completely understand since September 11 happened, US immigration has been very careful, especially people coming from Muslim counties. I get that but because for some bad people everybody is paying the price. I don’t think that’s fair at all.

In the last 22 years, I have been back home and visited my family 3 times. There are many reasons I don’t back home as mush as I would like to but the biggest one is security and I don’t feel it at all. I really miss my mother and my sisters and I know they miss us too. I wish seeing families wouldn’t be this hard and you wouldn’t have to wait 10 to 12 years to see your loved ones. Except for waiting we have no other options to do. There are other visas too but I don’t want to try that, first of all, there is no guarantee if they would get and 2^nd at some point they would have to go back to Pakistan. But with the visa I applied for them, they would become US immigrant and that’s much better.

Now to me it seems like a dream to imagine when my family would be around me. We have waited this far and hopefully after 3 to 4 more years my sisters and my mother will be here in America.

I did it my way

I did it my way

Not too long ago I was organizing my writing folder and started reading some of my articles again and I found a pattern in them. I noticed that in most of my stories I am talking about my girls and motherhood. I also noticed that nowhere do I separate myself from being a mother. It appears as if being a mother has become my identity but I am more than that. At some level I understand why I kept mentioning my girls and motherhood but it brought up some questions for myself. I asked myself, who am I? What’s my identity besides being a mother?  I believe I was born to be a mother and somehow I knew I would have daughters.  No matter what and when I will always be my girls’ mother but my identity is not just a mother. But before today I have never sat down and focused on just my identity.

            Growing up very poor from an early age I didn’t have a normal childhood. I understood my mother’s struggle and that’s why I never asked her for anything she couldn’t provide. I was her sensitive and mature daughter. I dreamed about finishing education and becoming a doctor so that I could support my family and live like any middle class family would live. I was 15 years old when I first started working 2 jobs so I could support my mother. I still remembered the day. It was the day after my last high school exam and was excited about sleeping in late. It was around 8:00 am and my mother came and woke me up. She said that the principle of the school asked me about you and offered a job to you. I looked at my mother with a puzzled face and then she continued and said, “I told the principal yes she would and she wants you to start today”. Without thinking or saying anything to my mother I looked at her approving eyes and got ready to start teaching that day. I couldn’t disappoint my mother. I knew how hard she was working to raise all of her five daughters.

I was pretty but nobody ever said to me that I was because I had dark skin. I had hope for a better future but I had low confidence in myself for it. At the age of 16 my marriage proposal came.  I didn’t want to get married to anybody but since it was my mother’s wish I did. I knew that the sooner us daughters got married; my mother would worry less financially. I didn’t want to leave my county, family and friends but I accepted her wish and that’s how I ended up in the U.S.A. I didn’t know anything about marriage life, America or the role of women in the States. I took one day at a time and instead of complaining to my mother, every time I talked to her I faked laughter so she could feel satisfied that her daughter was happy. My first couple of years in the USA were painful, lonely, and sad. I remember the very first time I wore pants and shirt I felt naked and didn’t like it at all. I was used to wearing long 3 pieces of clothing. But there was something about me from the early age that wouldn’t let me give up, I was a fighter. I slowly started accepting my new life. knowing there is no going back I chose to move forward.

            I was a stay at home wife for a long time but after become a single mother my real challenges started. I hit the rock bottom and was very depressed. My worse days are when I would forget to cook dinner for my girls. I don’t think they noticed or remember but until this day it bothers me. I was very down, depressed and was having anxiety attacks. My doctor wanted me to see psychologist But, I didn’t want to see any strange person and talked to this person about my personal life. I tried anyways but it didn’t help me, the psychologist wanted me to take anti-depression medication. I am not against medication but I would rather feel my pain then numb it. Back then and even now I believe that if we don’t deal with our pain it will wait for us. And I didn’t want to make my body numb and15 or 20 years down the road deal with my pain. I chose the hard road and never went back to the psychologist. Instead of that I started writing what was going on and my writing became my therapy. I noticed that once I write I feel good, relaxed, and even find answers. I was able to understand what was going on and I was getting connected with my feelings.

           Education was always big part of my life. I didn’t like that I couldn’t finish my education before I got married. But later I decided to go back to school and finished my education.  When I started Parkland College I was still a mess but my goal was to get an education. I remember the very first time someone gave me a compliment about my looks. I didn’t like it at all and I thought that person was making fun of me. I had to work very hard on my self-esteem from inside to outside.  It was like being re-born. I used to hide my body and myself from society. Because I didn’t believe anyone would care to look or listen to me. One day for my academics I met with a counselor and we clicked right away. She didn’t just help me with academics; she also helped my spirit rise up too. She believed in me and pushed me to go beyond my limits. I have so much respect for her. She is the reason after I finished Parkland I decided to go further into education. She helped me in all areas of my life and today I can proudly say I survived because of her too.

            Growing up secretly I wanted to become a print model but I never shared my secret with anyone. But once my self-esteem started getting better, I started seeing a whole brand new world in front of me.. I remembered that night very well, for some reason I couldn’t sleep and I was up until 5 am. Thinking, reading and writing, suddenly my eyes stopped at the yellow pages at my bookshelf. I had never ever opened the yellow pages to look for anyone’s number or use it for anything but that night. I flipped through it and saw that there was a modeling agency in town. I called and later that day I got a call from the lady and said she wanted to meet with me.

            When I wasn’t feeling good and had lots of challenges front of me, I wanted to prove to myself that even though I was scared I can still make it. Part of me wanted to do something huge that I never thought I could. One day I decided I wanted to skydive. I jumped from 12000 thousand feet high and felt free from everything. It was a beautiful memorable experience of my life.

            When I first started living alone with my daughters, I was scared especially at nighttime. I was checking the doors in the middle of the night worrying about someone breaking in the house. Mentally I was getting stronger but physically I wasn’t there. And that’s when I decided to take Tae-kwon-do classes. There was/is very respectfully man who has been teaching for many years. I talked to him about taking lessons from him and before I knew it I started enjoying it and began to gain a lot of confidence and strength. Tae-kwon-do has become part of my life and I am proud to say that I am a martial arts student. Lots of people especially the women from my community didn’t look at me with respect because I did this. Because, according to them, as a Muslim women I shouldn’t take tae-kwon-do where I would stretch my body.  I never agreed or cared what others were feeling about me. I kept putting on my uniform with pride and respect.

            I remembered in grade school English was my least favorite subject. I never liked it and wished the English language would go away. Yet I ended up around English speakers in an English speaking country, it became pivotal for my life. When I was at Parkland taking ESL classes one of the teachers told me that since English isn’t your first language you will never be able to write and read in English. Naturally since English is my 2^nd language I will have more difficult speaking it. I didn’t like what she said to me at all, it was discouraging instead of being supporting. So instead I took at as challenge and learned to speak English as well as possible.

            I lived the first 18 years of my life in Pakistan and the past 23 years in the States. Even when I was in Pakistan I was hopeful for a better future. But once I moved to the States and had a totally different life experience I still had hope for a better tomorrow. I wanted to have security in finances in a home and in family. But my experiences taught me that even when I thought I had security I didn’t have any security about anything. And when I hit rock bottom I tell myself now the only place I can go is up. I kept holding on hope for tomorrow. I always look at the situation as the glass being half full not empty. My positive attitude and hope kept me moving on.

            We women are more than just women and mothers. We have pride, we demand respect, we are stronger then we can even imagine. We are providers, supporters, friends, and much more. I am my mother’s pride and sensitive daughter, my sisters’ biggest supporters, my friends trusted confidants and my own daughters’ guidance. I am a whole lot more. I started walking on dirt road and today when I look back I see a garden with full beautiful flowers. My life is like the Frank Sinatra song “I did it my way”. And today I am living with pride and respect. I am a woman who can read and write. I speak my mind and am living with freedom. I have a college degree and I am working full time speaking English. I ended up making local TV commercials and have done some printing modeling. I started tae kwon-do with a white belt and today I have a brown belt. I am now a columnist for 2 local newspapers.  I own a home. I have raised two beautiful girls on my own. I have traveled many countries crossed the ocean alone. I feel very confident and secure about who I am and I did it my way.

Holiday season shouldn't be about the material

Holiday season shouldn't be about the material

Christmas is just around the corner. On one side many people are getting excited, about spending time with family, shopping, decorating the house, buying gifts, planning for parties and vacations. But at the same time a lot of people can’t afford all of that and are not looking forward it.

            I know personally many people who absolutely hate this time and want this time to be over as soon as possible. Let’s face it; it’s the most expensive time of the year, and if you don’t have money, that can be very stressful and for some, also embarrassing. Not everyone is lucky to have family around them; I completely understand that part. It’s a very sad and lonely feeling. I don’t celebrate Christmas, but for the last 23 years, I have seen how exciting these times are. It makes me feel joyful, too. But my heart goes out to those who feel left alone, depressed and sad this time of the year.

            Please, when you go Christmas shopping, think about those who can’t afford and are struggling. It won’t make you feel less but a bigger person. I was raised poor, and that’s why I know how it feels when you’re struggling. From an early age I learned the difference between need and want. Many of you might not agree with me, but from what have been seeing in the States, we buy things even when there is no need. And what kind of lesson are we teaching to our kids?

            I am a single mother, and my income is limited, but even when I was married I tried my best to teach my girls the difference between need and want. Now that they are older, they aren’t always making good choices, but I have seen them many times stopping themselves from buying unnecessary things for no reason.

            What’s the most important thing? Are the holidays all about gifts or family time, love or sharing? Things can be broken, but the quality time we spend with each other we will always remember. Don’t take me wrong: I’m not against gifts. It’s a beautiful concept, and it helps to grow love in our hearts. The only thing is we should be careful about is the amount and the thoughts we invest/spend on the gifts.

            “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart”. Washing you happiness! 

Mehndi (Henna Tattoo)

Mehndi (Henna Tattoo)

“Mehndi or Henna is a paste that is bought in a cone shaped tube and is made into designs for men and women. It is also derived from the Sanskrit word mendhikā.^[1] The use of mehndi and turmeric is described in the earliest Hindu Vedic ritual books. It was originally used for only women's palms and never for men, but as time progressed, it is more natural for men to wear it. Haldi (staining oneself with turmeric paste) as well as mehndi are Vedic customs, intended to be a symbolic representation of the outer and the inner sun. Vedic customs are centered around the idea of "awakening the inner light". Traditional Indian designs are of representations of the sun on the palm, which, in this context, is intended to represent the hands and feet”.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mehndi 

After the partition from India with many other Indian traditions Pakistani kept Indian tradition alive and Mehndi is one of it. As a child I watched others and getting mehindi on my hands from others was always joyful. The exotic designs, color and the smell, I always enjoyed it. Mehindi always represents happy occasions such as weddings, holidays, birth of a child or many more. But with time mehindi has become more than happy time occasions. People would like to get it done anytime they would like. And in Pakistan Mehindi designs doesn’t represent anything, and it’s not related to religion either.

When I was living in Pakistan I never put on mehindi on my own self or anybody else. I had an idea how to use it but I was not good making exotic designs. When I was at Parkland in 2004 I joined International Student Association (ISA). Every year Parkland celebrates ISA. And the way they celebrate all of the ISA students come up and represent own countries to entire parkland and to the community. It’s a beautiful culture day. Students put on own country clothing, played traditional music and dance and try different food and many more. At that time, Dr Sue Kuykendall Professor of English was also in charged of the ISA. I showed my interest to her doing mehindi on student because it’s part of the Pakistani culture. Without even asking me am I good or okay she showed interest and made me excited. This was my first time ever doing mehindi on students. I myself was in shock there was long line waiting for student to get a mehindi from me. Dr Sue Kuykendall kept encouraging me and made me feel like I am really good at it. I don’t think she knew how I was feeling from inside but because of her support I didn’t care about I was good or bad. I did mehindi with passion and truly enjoyed it.  I didn’t think I was good enough to do mehindi on others but people really enjoyed and that made me feel good. And it has been 6 years and I am still enjoying going to the parkland on ISA day.

Here is the hidden reality about Pakistani culture, if someone aren’t good with something many of the Pakistani people doesn’t support or encourage them but to make fun and let that person know they aren’t good at it. It doesn’t matter is it about mehindi designs, studies, cooking or losing weight or anything. From there side they aren’t making fun or discouraging but the way they say to you  and look at you, you feel small and make you believe you aren’t good at it and instead of trying hard you end up quitting. I am witness to myself and to others.

When I first did mehindi on ISA at Parkland I did it for fun and believed no one would like it because I am not good at it. But the response I received from students and faculty made me feel good. After I graduated from Parkland, Dr Sue Kuykendall was no longer part of ISA but The person who arranged the events at Parkland collage, his name is John Eby and his title is activities Program Manager. I truly appreciate him and thankful to him he saw my work at ISA and liked it. He doesn’t just invite me on ISA he also invite me on other parkland events too.  Every time I go to the Parkland to do mehindi I enjoyed it. It’s not about how much Parkland pay me but how John Eby and Dr Dr Sue Kuykendall make me feel I truly appreciate them. The feeling I get when I am leaving from the Parkland I look forward going back again. It has been more than 5 years since I graduated from Parkland and John Eby still contacted me. We communicate through email and it’s always pretty straight forward and no stress involve at all. I know there are many other ladies do Mehindi in Chamapaign/Urbana but I appreciate him inviting me every year. Because how those two special people and many Americans encourage me and appreciate me I started feeling confident and have done Mehindi on girls scouts, wedding, corn festival, birthdays and many other events. My style isn’t a typical exotic but I do mehindi on tattoo style. 

            Last week was International Education Week at Parkland collage. I was there for Mehindi. But there was something different about this time. I met lost of great people young and old. They enjoyed getting mehindi from me and was quries to know where did I leaned it and how long am I am doing Mehindi. For them is fascinating. I met many very nice ladies who were proud to tell they are back to college after many years and pursuing there goal. While I was talking to them I felt like they came to get mehindi from me but had no idea how much I also gained from it. Mehindi was connection to meet with them. I like people, especially positive and the one doesn’t care about their age or anything but following their dreams.  

            It’s sad to say here in the US culture I represent people truly appreciate and envoy you but your own culture people put you down. I am proud to say because of my American friends where I am today. I thank you for everyone.

My Thanksgiving weekend

My  Thanksgiving weekend 

Last weekend was a long weekend due to the Thanksgiving break. I was also off from my work for 4 days. My youngest daughter went to California to spend her Thanksgiving break with her older sister. Since I was by myself I didn’t feel like cooking or doing anything especially just for myself.  Many friends called and invited me to their homes, but for some reason I didn’t want to travel anywhere so I stayed home. 

Since I moved to the States I have been celebrating Thanksgiving but this was my first where I was home alone. Off course I missed my girls and wanted to be with them but it wasn’t possible. But at the same time, I was glad my girls where together with other family members. I was feeling a little bit down but something came into my mind. Six months ago when my oldest daughter graduated from high school, I had wanted to make a quilt out of her school t-shirts as a gift and surprise her. But due to my busy schedule I couldn’t do it. I started thinking, this could be a great time to at least start making her quilt, which I wasn’t sure how I would do it.  I have never made a quilt before. Then I was thinking what am I thinking why not do something else, watch a movie, go shopping, read a book or writing. Part of me was saying to myself, it would a boring thing to do. But knowing my personality, this was in the back of my mind for the last six months and I promised I would make it, I don’t like to break my promise.

Thursday morning I decided this is it. I will start making her quilt today. I took all of her school t-shirts out and laid them on the living room floor. Something started changing in me, the more I was getting involved in it, the more I started to enjoy it. Every single t-shirt took me back to her past and I could see her wearing it. I started getting so much out of it. I didn’t want to do anything else except finish making the quilt than anything else. I used the front part of the shirt for the front quilt and the backs for her back quilt. But there was one shirt that had nothing on its back. I didn’t know how to use it. I thought maybe I would leave it blank or how go to the fabric store and see if they have anything I could use on it.

The next day, one of my friends called and asked if I wanted to go to the mall with her. I thought I should take a break and go. Just in case I took that blank T-shirt piece with me, thinking I might get some idea. When I went to the mall, I saw something and I thought, wow this is it! Just two days ago this guy just started his business at the market place mall. What he does, was he made prints on the t-shirts. You can ask him to write anything or have any kind of design and he would do it right there in front of you.

An idea came into my mind. But I wasn’t sure he will be able to do it, but I still asked, “I am making a quilt but I have this plain piece of fabric and I was wondering, would you be able to print a picture and a name on it”? I always carried my girl’s picture with me so I showed it to him and he said, “Sure, I can do it right now”. I got so excited, I gave him her baby picture when she was four months old and asked him to write underneath it her name. He got it done in no time.

As soon as I got home, I grabbed my sewing machine and started making her quilt. I used that blank fabric which now has her baby picture and her name on it in the middle of the quilt. Believe it or not I was getting joy from it and was feeling happy. I was on the sewing machine for almost 5 hours straight. I got done making the quilt in four days. It turned out really nice, I surprised myself.

When I started making it, my views and energy levels were so different than when I finished it. I know there are a lot of people who have already made quilts or are involved in sewing. But this was my first experience and I have more appreciation and understanding for those people. I now completely understand them; how they get so involved and enjoy from it.

I am glad I used my 4 day weekend on a great project which I know for sure my daughter will appreciate me forever. So while millions were eating Turkey, I was making the quilt and feeling more close to my girls even though I was home alone.

Love Mom