Stranger danger

Stranger danger is the phrase we use to sum up danger associated with adults whom children do not know. We teach kids that to protect them from danger. That makes complete sense and we, the parents and adults feel like that’s our responsibility to protect kids from strangers.

Here is my observation about adults. We don’t just use the term stranger danger for kids we also use it for other adults as well. Many adults are afraid of each other. We feel uncomfortable talking to them, saying hi or simply smiling at them. I am not saying everyone is good and we shouldn’t be cautious but at the same time, why are we afraid of each other?

Here is the point I am trying to make. I know I am not the only one who has noticed that when we go out we all notice how many people are alone. I talked to many of my friends and asked how they felt about going out alone and noticing other people ignoring them? And of course none of them liked it. What and why are we afraid of each other? Let’s not even go far lets think about our own town. How many single people living alone and wish they could have someone to talk to.  They aren’t looking anything else. But simply  a good conversation or a company so they don’t feel alone.

With our technology world, pretty much everyone is on their cell phones and there is absolutely no human interaction. Even when we go to the grocery store, you don’t have to talk to anyone. You grab whatever you need, scan your items, pay and leave the store without saying a word to anyone. I know many time it’s convenient but at the same time how sad is it to have no human interaction at all.

I am one of those and I like people and I believe it’s important to have interaction with others. Couple months ago, I was out with a friend. We were eating and talking when we noticed there was a person eating alone and he was on his cell phone. My friend said, “hi” to him and then we invited him to join us. He felt comfortable and we talked for a long and we all had a good time. I even said to him, “Why can’t we invite other people and eat together and have a good time?” He said, “Yes, why not”. I have met many people like that.

Last year I took my daughter to a hair salon and that’s when I met an older man. I don’t have words to describe how impressed I am by him. We exchanged phone numbers and then later met many times. I am glad I am not afraid of people. The only time people aren’t afraid to talk to others is when they are on their vacation. Why is that? It’s because they are relaxed and their attitudes are,  “I am on my vacation and I am going to have fun”. Or they know they aren’t going to see those people ever again.

Another place I noticed that people feel more comfortable talking to each other is at the bar. They even have full conversations, laugh and have a great time. Some people even exchange phone numbers and make plans to meet again. Why is it acceptable at the bar and on vacations to talk to people but not other places?

I also wonder how many single people don’t even leave their home because they  feel lonely and even when they go out people don’t talk to them. Or they get the vibe from others about stranger danger. I feel really sad and sorry for those people. We humans are suppose to have interactions with each other. I can’t even imagine how those people must feel so lonely and alone.

I hope you get my point, let’s not be over protective and miss out. Look at each other and treat others how we want to be treated. In my personal experience, we have more good people than bad people. But because of those bad people we judge good people too.  And that’s not fair to them. Let us open our hearts to others and be nice to them. They don’t need anything from us but company or a nice conversation.

Start living

I believe if not all many of us once in our lives reach the point where you are completely done living a life by others. I am proud to say that I reached that point. 2014 was my wakeup call. The hardest and the biggest year of all and I am celebrating it with sad and happy tears.

I use my writing to express myself but this time I have a totally new view and project and I am dancing with joy. Not to long ago my friend and I were talking about how some other cultures deal with their past or pains. It was a very interesting conversation and I learned a-lot. While we were talking I came up with this idea. This idea will always be in front of me as a reminder but as a very positive and strong reminder.

Here is what I did. The first week of January 2015 I sat down with my journal and wrote down all of my pain, suffering, and insecurities. And then I went to my shed and grabbed a big empty flower pot. I washed it and painted the outside white. Once it dried I grabbed a sharpie and I start writing all around the pot: Childhood struggles, divorced, past, worries, pain, uncompleted dreams, hurt, fears, insecurities, bad relationships and negative people. Let me tell you it wasn’t as easy as it sounds. Each word I was writing down, it took me back to that time and I could close my eyes and see myself standing there. Some emotions were still fresh like yesterday. But it was a very powerful experience.

Once I got done writing I went to the store and bought potting soil and my favorite  planting seeds. I used one seed for each event, buried everything with my own hands and then covered it with dirt. Once I got done I brought it to my living room where I could see it every time I walked by. This was a hard process but at  the same time once I got done I felt so much lighter and powerful. A few weeks later I saw tiny leaves trying to come out of the heavy dirt. And that’s when I started living how I want to live my life again. That tiny plant is more powerful than many powerful things I know. To me it’s full of hope, happiness and full of the future.

I talked to a few of my friends about it and they loved the idea, a few days later they called me and told me they also have a pot in their living room. My whole point of writing this article is whatever method you would like to use please use it. Don’t let one more day go by where someone or something is running your life. Take control of your own life. Let go of your past because it’s not worth it. Start new and fresh. And believe me I know that it can be very scary but what is there to lose? Nothing. Instead you will gain your power back and live your own life how you want to live. That’s freedom to me. And freedom is a beautiful thing.

To all of my friends out there, start living today. You are complete when you know who you are. Everything starts from the inside to outside. Always be honest to yourself and to others. You aren’t competing with anyone but with yourself. And if you believe you are worth it which you are, then do it. Nobody's life is perfect and we all have something from our past we aren’t happy about. We can’t go back there but we can always cope with it now.

I am really excited and happy about how now I feel lighter and free from everything from my past. I wish you can feel free too. Good luck and remember no matter what things could be worse and LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!

Absolutely no securities

All my life I’ve  tired to chase securities. Growing up without a father and a brother was very hard, and top of that the culture didn't make it easy for a single mother and for her girls. I put all of my securities into my mother. And recently when she passed away, that’s what made me realized how insecure I am.  Growing up I had lots of dreams. I was excited to reach them but soon I didn't have a choice but to pick a different route, get married and move into a brand new culture. When I first moved to the states I didn't know anything about my new life. But slowly I started getting use to it and started feeling comfortable and secure. I thought my marriage would give me security.  But before I got too comfortable I found myself with absolutely no security and with two girls. I had to start all over and didn't know where to start. It was almost like I was sitting in the desert and everywhere I looked, it looked the same. But the choice I had was to stay feeling sorry for myself or get up and start walking again. I chose to get up.  I started taking baby steps. I went back to school and got my college degree, thinking it would give me security. I struggled in the work world too. And even now I have a full time job, but you never know, anything can happen and I could lose my job.

When I was raising my girls alone I had all kinds of unknown fears about their teen years, and each day I worked hard and my girls made me proud. But anything could have happened and there was nothing I could do about it. All the bad things weren't far enough from them. Yes I have a house to live in but I am paying mortgage and if I miss one month payment there goes that security, too.

We all know anything can happen to anyone and anytime but we all like to feel secure. I was one of those people who was always looking for security but never found it. I met many men and thought this is it but I was wrong, none of them could give me security and 10 years later I am still single. And I am okay with that.

Here I live far away from my family. During my mother’s sickness every time the phone rang my heart dropped thinking it’s bad news. I knew I would be there with her when she passed but those 15 months was like hell. The more I like to feel secure the more I am realizing there is absolutely no security out there. I am finally ready to accept what I had been chasing was like a bubble and the more I was trying to get closer and closer it gets further away from me.

I have gone through a lot in my life; I really understand what the real meaning of life is now. And also I am very attached to my feelings and I try to understand what’s happening and why. This may sound weird to some of you or it may not but I don’t know what normal feels like anymore. I became a caretaker, worrier and problem solver and much more.

Here is my New Year goal for 2015. I’ve lived 42 years of my life without any kind of security and thought I was secure but I was holding on to false hope. But now I have decided instead of living in denial I am accepting and realizing there is absolutely no security for anything. And I want to start the New Year with a fresh mentality and live my life without holding on to any kind of false hope and believe in myself that I can make it. I made it this far so why can’t I still make it with a new hope, positive attitude and with absolutely no security at all.  

To my readers, at this moment I am sitting at my desk with tears rolling down my face. My heart is trying to make me scared but my strong brain is in control and telling myself yes, I am going to have many hard days but I have to have courage and hope for the best and the most important one is to believe I have made it this far with false securities, why can’t I make it with being honest and trust in myself.

If you are one of those like myself, let’s do this together! Let us all let go of our fears, pain, worries, negative attitudes, hurt, unnecessary drama, bad relationships, abuse, and the most important one our past. Lets all start fresh with a new attitude, hope for the best and trust in yourself. You can do it! I wish you all the best and remember you aren't alone. I am with you and I need you!  

My family!

​Twenty five years ago, when I married my ex-husband I met his three sisters and parents. I moved to the U.S. the same year we got married. At that time I didn’t have any of my own family members who were living in the U.S. We lived together with his family for 10 years, it was part of the Pakistani culture, living with your in-laws, and I was okay with that. Everyone was very nice to me and they all welcomed me with open arms. 

​With time we all started getting to know each other more and getting closer. Time passed by and I had my daughters. My daughters were the first grandchildren in the family. Every single member of the family gave unconditional love to them. I felt blessed and lucky for my girls with how much love they received from their family. Meanwhile my eldest sister-in-law got married and a few years later my other sisters-in-law got married too. All of their husbands are Americans. 

​At first it was a huge change for the entire family because from a culture perspective if you are Pakistani, you are supposed to married a pakistani. Marrying an American man was not acceptable. Honestly it was a big adjustment for everyone. But with time the family started accepting them as they are, not based on their skin color.  As it turned, out they are all beautiful human beings who care a great deal about the family. 

​My ex-husband and I were married for almost 13 years when we got divorced. But, my in-laws including my sisters-in-law’s husbands didn’t take sides. They all tried to support both of us. I am still amazed that they did that, and found a balance

In the culture I came from you don’t support both sides, you support your blood relations no matter who is right or wrong. That was not the case at my home. I am proud to say my entire in-laws family are very beautiful people. They did what felt right to them. 

I have been divorced for almost 10 years now. My father-in-law passed away. But my mother-in-law is and will always be part of my life. Our divorce took a huge toll on her. Since her mentality is more traditional, it’s sad to say Pakistani culture is very judgmental. She was worried about what would people say to her. But with time she also grew and learned that it didn’t matter what other people thought. She never treated me differently, in fact she actually started calling me her 4th daughter and treats me just like her own daughter today.  I have so much respect for her. I know our divorce was really hard on her. But she made it and came out stronger than ever. 

My ex-husband got remarried, but the relationship we have today is completely separate to the relationship I have with his family. My relationship with them is stronger than ever. They are all a huge part of my family and I feel very lucky to say my girls and I are part of their families. Growing up I didn’t have a brother and my ex-husband is the only son in the family. But all three of my sisters-in-law’s husbands are like my own brothers. They are all very nice, caring people. Their respect, care, and love towards me and my girls is priceless. 

During my divorce my middle sister in-law was getting married. I had decided I wouldn’t go to her wedding because I am not the sister-in-law anymore. But when she found out I was not planning on going she visited me and said that she wanted me to come to her wedding not as a sister-in-law but as her own sister. They always included me in everything and never made me feel as though I wasn’t part of the family anymore. They are all the best people I know. 

It would be unfair if I don’t say anything about my eldest sister-in-law Ameena and her husband Adam. I remember very clearly when I arrived in the U.S I didn’t know much about marriage or about life in America. At that time Ameena was single and a college student. I don’t know if she remembers this but one day she came to me and said to me that, “if my brother ever put his hands on you, you tell me and I will take you far from him”. At that time I didn’t understand why she was saying this to me. Her  brother had never and never did harm me, but her words gave me security. Later I understood that many men physically abuse their wives and think that’s okay to do it, she was looking out for me from the very beginning. 

Ameena watched me grow in front of her. She never ever left my side. Even during my divorce she supported me like any good sister and friend would do. She would call me every single morning to check on me and make sure I was okay. She is like a second mother to my girls. Her heart is full of love and care, and her husband Adam is another beautiful human. 

Here is the unique side of Adam. He is my girls uncle but he is not just an uncle, he is like a father figure to my girls and my girls respect him a lot. Adam’s behavior towards me is like any good brother’s behavior. He doesn’t have to talk to me at all, I am his wife’s brother’s ex-wife. But he doesn’t care about the connection. He looks at me as if I am his sister, regardless of complex familial relations. Any kind of help I need whether it’s about my home, insurance, or anything I can call Ameena and Adam and they are there to help me. I feel blessed and truly lucky to have them as family. 

I was young when I got married and moved to the U.S. and my mentally was pretty traditional then. I grew up in front of all of them and I give the credit to my second family, who helped me grow. They never left my side and showed that they truly care for me and for my girls. 25 years later knowing all of them make me proud, because they created a new tradition and mentality where you don’t have to follow society’s rules. Create your own based on what is right for your family. You can still be nice, respectful and loving towards your ex-sister-in-law. A family doesn’t have to be torn apart because of one decision. To me that’s the true meaning of family, where you don’t need blood or legal documents connecting each other, the bond is so strong nothing can destroy it. I absolutely love every single one of my family members and am grateful to them from the bottom of my heart!

Happy 2015

Ready or not, once again 2014 is leaving us, and let's welcome 2015. But before, I always like to peek a look into the past year and do my whole year inventory. Just like many other people, I also make New Year's resolutions. And I try to make all of them realistic goals as much as possible. In the beginning of 2014 I made some resolutions and today when I am looking back, I am proud to say although I haven’t reached all of them, I reached 80 percent and that’s a huge thing for me.

2014 was not a very happy year for me. I lost someone very close to me and saw her struggle a lot. I traveled to Pakistan and California. My trip to Pakistan wasn't easy at all. After I came back I found myself without focus. I was completely lost and didn't know where to start. 2014 was one of those years that left a huge mark on my soul. I know everything is a part of life and that’s why I learned to bounce back quickly. I am a very positive person and try to look at things as the glass is always half full.

Yes, 2014 was a very hard year but good things happened, too. I finally learned to let go of my past, and that made me lighter. My Ami’s death brought my sisters and family more closer. I used to worry all the time, and I learned worrying doesn't do anything but makes us look older. The only things we have is today, so why worry about tomorrow? Tomorrow may never come. My girls had a great college year and they are on the right track. And that makes me so proud and happy. My faith became stronger, and I learned to give all of my worries and issues to God. For the longest time I wanted to become a healthy eater. It was a struggle for me because I absolutely love sweets and I didn't know when to say no more. I learned self-control and start eating with moderation. My Ami’s sickness and death made me change my perspective about many things in life. Absolutely nothing matters if you don’t have good health. And nothings stays with you but how others makes you feel. That feeling you can take anywhere you go.

Right now if you ask me if am I excited about 2015,  if I am honest with myself my answer is yes, I am excited for the unknown. I am hopeful will be a great year, not just for my family also for lots of families who also had a hard 2014. Once again I am making my New Year resolutions, but this year my goal is not to limit myself about anything and to trust in myself even if I fail I shouldn't be discouraged but be proud that at least I tried.

If you have reached all of your 2014 resolutions, congratulations to you and be super proud of yourself. And if you are someone who couldn't reach your resolutions and are looking at yourself thinking you are at the same place as 2014, don’t do that to yourself. It’s never too late to start anything; all you need to do is trust yourself and believe you can do it. Don’t let another year go by and then be disappointed with yourself again. And remember you aren't racing with anyone. Take control of your life and do what feels best and right for you.

I hope, pray and wish for all of you wonderful people out there to have a great year ahead of you. I hope all over the world humans learn to love each other and don’t judge each other based on skin color and to be respectful towards each other.

I wish you all a very Happy New Year!

How do you know if you've met the one?

Not long ago my friend and I were having a conversation during dinner and she was telling me the guy she was seeing. She seemed pretty happy to me and she liked everything about him and believed he also feel the same way about her. But she asked me, “how do you know if they’re the one for you?

Her question made me think. At what point do people say their significant other is the one. Yet, with so many people getting married under the impression that they’ve in fact met the one, the divorce rate is incredibly high in the US. She told me they met each other 9 years ago and the chemistry has been strong from day one. They have both been married before and have kids. When she first met him she had recently been divorced and wasn’t even thinking about another romantic relationship. After meeting he tried to tell her that he had feelings for her, but she wasn’t looking for that kind of relationship. He respected her decision and they became good friends.

She also found him attractive from the beginning, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. However, she didn't want to take the risk in case he was not the one for her. In addition, she wanted her focus to be only on her kids. Over time she realized, now that I have raised my kids, living alone can be lonely. I want to be someone who also wants to be with me.  He was and still feels very strongly towards her, it didn’t take long for them both to become closer to each other.

         I have heard this question about “the one” from many people.

 My first marriage was arranged, but here in America people choose who they want to be with. I am not a relationship expert, but when my friend asked me that question, I didn’t have an answer for her.  Since I haven’t experienced it myself, I told her that she would know when the time was right.

Honestly my own answer didn’t satisfy me. Perhaps when the first marriage fails, people become more protective and want to make sure they aren’t making the same mistake they did the first time. I understand that but isn’t life a little like gambling? You have to take a risk, otherwise you’ll never know.  

Should we be overanalyzing and overprotective before we are 100% they are our soul mates? We can’t predict the future, to me it comes down to each person in the relationship nothing else really matters.

I have heard people even say that both parties should be on the same page to move forward in their lives together. I understand that, but every situation is different. Two people can care deeply about each other but their at different points in their lives. Some couples dates for many years but as soon as they get married they can’t live together and get divorced. What changes?

Beauty, attraction, status are great but the actual person isn’t made up of all of that. We should try to look at the person closely apart from everything else, maybe then our choices and feelings will be made clear. In my opinion, both people should feel complete and happy within themselves first. If you aren’t happy with yourself, you can’t make another person happy. It’s absolutely impossible.

The uniqueness of people is that we don’t all want the same things. For me true love is putting the other person’s desires and needs first. We find different qualities and characteristics more or less attractive, but underneath it all everyone wants to feel happy and loved. 

Looking for meaning in life

I guess at some point of our life if not all, many of us ask this question to ourselves: what’s the purpose of my life? Recently I have been asking this question to myself. I get positive and negative answers. Some days it seems like my purpose of life is to work and keep paying bills and some days it seems like, why was I the very first person to move to the USA. Maybe the purpose of my life is to be a mother to my girls and support my family so they can all have a better life. I get lots of positive and negative answers. I guess I am asking how would you know what’s the purpose of your life? I still haven’t found the right answer or discovered if  there is a right answer.

I am always been a thinker and my thinking helps me to think outside of the box, helps me to understand others, situations and many times understand my own self. Recently I had a dinner with my psychologist friend and we had a really nice chat. I asked him,  “Do you know the purpose of your life?” He looked at me and said, “That’s a million dollar question, and yes, I do. We all have to find our own answer. And it’s different for everyone”.

        When we were kids, we wanted to grow up as soon as possible and envied adults and thought their lives seemed very easy. They don’t have to ask anything to anyone. They can do anything they want to do. But once we grew up, we realized being an adult is not as fun as we thought. Being an adult comes with lots of responsibilities. And in reality we can’t go back to being a child.

My life has been divided into three parts. First part from birth to eighteen years in Karachi and second from 18 years to 30 until I was married. And then at the age of 30 as a divorced and a single parent until now in the States. The first 18 years of my life was without choice. I was trying to make it each day all while being hopeful for the future. I was focused and wanted to have a safe and secure future.  I didn’t want to move to the States but I didn’t have a choice. So I had to let go of my 18 years of life and start a brand new life around new people, language, culture and with lots of unknowns and no securities. I thought since I was married and had kids that that was my security and identity. But I was wrong. Then unexpectedly I got divorced and found myself as a single mother without any security.

        When I was living in Karachi, even though I was pretty young, I cared about my family and wanted to strongly support my sisters and my mother. After I moved to the States I felt completely lost and didn’t know where to start. So I followed my ex-husband. I didn’t have my own identity except as a wife and a mother. Once when I found myself divorced first I went into complete denial and shock. But for my girls I put myself together and put on the mother hat and started finding my own identity.

        Now when I look back I ask this question to myself, what was the purpose of my life then and even now? Is the purpose of my life to be a caretaker? When I think about it I don’t get a satisfactory answer, because I am more than a wife, daughter, sister and even a mother. I look at it as those were and are a part of my identity, of who I am but those relationships don’t define me as who I am.

        I am a woman who cares about others deeply. I am honest, trustworthy, beautiful, educated, loyal, a giver, understanding, respectful, mother, sister, daughter and a friend. I am a dreamer and full of hope. I trust God and believe God loves all of us equally. I have lots of dreams and I am proud of myself how far I have come under hard circumstances. But I am still searching for an answer, what’s the purpose of my life? Do you know what’s the purpose of yours?