Life is beautiful!

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

First time home

This was my first experience with my daughter coming home from the college. When my oldest decided to move to California for school we all were very happy, nervous and excited at the same time. It was a huge change in all of our lives but especially for her. But after going through home sickness, she put herself together and started accepting the change and adjusted to her new life.

She has always been practical rather than emotional but always her mother’s daughter. She is also my best friend. We both missed each other a lot. Everyday we talked to each other and from the day she left for school we were counting down the days until she would come home. Different parents told me different things about their experiences when their kids came home for the first time. When I went to airport to pick her up, I was extremely happy and I had happy tears in my eyes.

She was away due to school but this is her home and I assumed that nothing would have changed, but I was wrong. Yes, she is my daughter and will always be. But I have to accept that now she has her own life and doesn’t need me in the same way that she used to. I was used to taking care of everything for her. Three months ago when she left, she was nervous and scared yet excited. Three months later when she came home, I noticed a change in her. She is no longer nervous or scared but I saw a beautiful mature and confident young adult. One who has found her own identity and is independent. She still needs her mother but not like before.

I noticed in her behavior that she wanted me to treat her like an adult. For example, she is a night owl and loves to watch television and movies. I am not a television fan, so I like to go to bed early and wake up early as well. I believe it was the 3^rd day she came back and all three of us were watching a movie. The movie ended around 11:30 or so and I was ready to go to bed. So I told my girls, “okay let’s turn off the TV and go to the bed”. She replied back, “Mom if you are tired, you can go to bed. I would like to watch some more TV”. She was respectful and I didn’t take it the wrong way. But she has never answered me back before when I tell her to do something. There were many times that I noticed she was telling me not to treat her like a child and to trust her.

She got together with her high school friends a few times, she had a good time and was glad to see all of them. During breakfast I asked her how her visit was with her friends. She replied, “Mom I noticed how much I have changed”, I asked her what she meant by that and she said, “The topics that used to interest me don’t interest me anymore”. As a mom I felt very proud of her. She has grown in the last three months. She is my oldest so anything she is going through is the first time for me too. I felt like she was helping me grow with her. Now she is at that place where she wants her mom but like an adult, one who can listen to her without trying to decide for her. She wants understanding and advice as a friend and mom.

Three weeks went very fast. And before we knew it, it was time for her to fly back to LA. At the airport it was very hard for me to say goodbye to her. I know she was having a hard time too. I never thought about this before but this is part is what I hate the most about being a mother, the separation from her. This is a new experience for me but I am sure all parents go through the same thing. I am very happy for her and looking forward to her bright future.

Gun control

This is my least favorite topic to write about. I never thought someday I would be writing about guns. I don’t know much about them and I am not interested at all. But whether I am interested or not guns are affecting all of us. We all know what happened at the Sandy Hook elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut. Along with many other questions the topic of owning guns is another question we are all dealing with. As a citizen and a mother I would like to give my opinion. I personally don’t like guns and wish people wouldn’t carry guns like it wasn’t a bit deal. Not to long ago there was an article in the news about this topic, “Clearing the guns from the streets of LA” here is the link http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/clearing-the-guns-from-the-streets-of-la-its-time-to-change-we-must-get-these-guns-off-the-street-8432183.html. It is an interesting incentive. It is heartbreaking when we hear in the news how many people are dying by guns. Last Thursday in Utah 200 teachers got free gun training in response to Newtown shooting. http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/12/28/16206006-utah-teachers-get-free-gun-training-in-response-to-newtown-shooting.

When I watching the news I was wondering how many teachers would be comfortable holding a gun. We have come to the point where now educators are carrying guns. I wonder how teachers are able to teach while having guns in their classrooms. As a citizen, mother, and early childhood teacher I am not conformable with it.

While I was growing up in Karachi, I had read and heard about people in places where the Taliban had control, that is where people carried guns all the time. However here in the U.S I wonder how children feel when they see teachers carrying guns with them. Will they really feel safe and be comfortable at school. In addition what kind of message are they getting from it?

Many years ago I was going through a difficult time, I had recently moved from Chicago to a small town and didn’t know very many people. My daughter’s were very young and I was concerned about their protection. There were many times that I considered getting a gun for protection however something always stopped me. But I still needed some kind of security. I then decided that all three of us would take a Martial Arts Class. Honestly I didn’t know if my girls would be able to learn and enjoy at the same time but I wanted them to trust that I would protect them. Martial Arts helped improve my self-esteem, gave us all confidence and it’s a great sport for the mind and body. It has been ten years and thanks to God we haven’t had to use these skills on anybody but at least we were always ready.

I think teachers should take some kind of self-defense class. This way they learn to trust themselves and feel comfortable too. There are many different types of self-defense activities out there. Educational facilities are places that should be free of stress and be a relaxing environment. Kids can feel when something is wrong and they trust their teachers. Many students trust their teacher more then their own parents. Teachers are very special people whose utmost priority is the safety of their students.

Worry free life

Growing up, my life was full of worries and stress due to many life factors. When I was a young adult the idea of a worry free life, sounded really good to me and many times I used to wonder how I would feel when my life would be worry free. When I could just relax and not worry for anything. Wouldn’t it be nice if we all had a worry free life? The older I got the more I got a reality check and to me the reality check is; there is always something that will be on my mind and I have to take care of it. As a responsible adult or a parent we have a lot of responsibilities. And there are many days we feel overwhelmed, stressed and worried. It took me years of understanding, until we die we will always have something to worry about or take care of.

But this is how I feel; yes, life isn’t fair and our plates are full of things but we worry too much about everything. There are things we have no control over and don’t have a choice so we just have to accept it and take care of it. But there are things for example, car problems, family issues or weather. We shouldn’t drag it on or worry for days.

I read a really nice book, it’s all about self-improving. Recently, I happened to grab it again, in his book the author talks about how there is no tomorrow, the only thing we have is today. When we worry, we aren’t worried about right now, most of the time we are worrying about the future. Worry is fear of unknowns and unknowns are in the future, which hasn’t happened yet. And when we worry for our future, we spoil our present. And that’s the only thing we have. We can be in the present moment, feeling and enjoy it. Another thing I really like about his book is, he asked us to look and feel yourself, right now are you in any kind of pain, comfortable, are you around your family or is everyone doing fine where ever they are. If your answer is yes then that’s a present moment and let go all of tomorrow’s worries and be in the moment. That’s all we have and it’s a very powerful thing.

I agree with him. Here and there I do this exercise and it has brought me back to the present moment. I noticed I feel lighter and more focused too. It doesn’t mean you are in denial or avoiding your problems. Instead of worry focus on the solution, if there are any. If not then accept it as you have chosen the situation, this way you won’t struggle every single day.

Everyone deals with things differently and we are all right our own way. If I have something on my mind and I’m struggling, I write it down and that helps me face my problems and find a solution. Some people like to talk about it, some like to keep it inside. It’s all good as long as we get to the solution and move on from there.

Worrying isn’t good just for our mind. It’s effect physically too. From http://www.webmd.com/balance/guide/how-worrying-affects-your-body “Chronic worrying affects your daily life so much that it interferes with your appetite, lifestyle habits, relationships, sleep, and job performance. Many people who worry excessively are so anxiety-ridden that they seek relief in harmful lifestyle habits such as overeating, cigarette smoking, or using alcohol and drugs”. Also this:

difficulty swallowing
dizziness
dry mouth
fast heartbeat
fatigue
headaches
inability to concentrate
irritability
muscle aches
muscle tension
nausea
nervous energy
rapid breathing
shortness of breath
sweating
trembling and twitching

When the excessive fuel in the blood isn’t used for physical activities, the chronic anxiety and outpouring of stress hormones can have serious physical consequences, including:

suppression of the immune system
digestive disorders
muscle tension
short-term memory loss
premature coronary artery disease
heart attack

And that’s why we shouldn’t worry but be happy.

What’s life?

When we were young our thinking was limited but now as an adult there is no limit and that’s why right now I’m just going to talk about myself, but I’m sure many of you readers have also asked “what’s life is all about”? There are times in life we get caught up and forget about everything else but as soon as we take a break and start thinking, “what am I am doing with my life? “Is this is how I should be living my life?” or, “what’s the meaning of life?”

When we buy things, they usually come with an instruction manual and if we don’t’ like it, we can always return it and get our money back but life doesn’t come with a manual. We wish, right? Every experience we go through teaches us about ourselves prepares us for the future. All over the world, millions of people are struggling with sicknesses or pain. Generation to generation, having a tough time, I wonder, how do they pursuit life?

I ask this question to my friends and co-workers and nobody’s answer matches with each other but all of their answers are right. There is no right or wrong answer about what’s life. It’s all how we look at it. For some people life is a journey not a destination or for others we all have a purpose. It’s up to us individually how we look at it.

As a human being, when we’re going through a good time we don’t think about this kind of stuff, we enjoy and want to freeze that happy moment but life has its’ ups and downs. When we’re going through a hard time, that’s when our focus shifts to ourselves and we forget about the good times but think how hard life is. Which isn’t true at all, we have constant changes in our lives.

For me, my life isn’t perfect and will never be but life is beautiful and I try my best to focus on what I have, not on what I don’t or what I wish I had. Yesterday was the day 22 years ago, I moved to the States from Karachi, Pakistan. I don’t know where I’ll be after 22 years but as long as my family and I are happy and healthy it’s doesn’t matter where I’ll be.

When I look at young kids, being busy playing, having fun and living in the moment, that’s also life to me. They don’t care what’s going to happen next. The next thing is the future and the future hasn’t happened yet but present is so why waste it on worrying for the future. I read somewhere, “Life is 10 percent what you make it and 90 percent how you take it.” Isn’t that true? I think most of us, including myself, tend to focus on the other way. 90 present is a big number and it’s all about attitude. Even when we’re going through a tough time, we should change our attitudes and I’m sure all of us would fine something positive from it and that would help us become more understanding and would help us to keep moving. Having a positive attitude is the key for many successful people and lives. And that’s something we were all born with and no one can take it but we can always pass it on to other people+. It’s a very powerful tool.

“Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact”

Everyone have something to deal

I have never written anything about this topic before. Perhaps it’s because I never thought about it or maybe I didn’t know that this could be an issue with me. Growing up I didn’t have a father or brother but five sisters. My mother was a stay at home mom. I watched her cook, clean and take care of us while running a household. One of my mom’s brothers helped us financially so mom didn’t have to work and back then it was common for women to stay home and take care of the kids and house as the men made the money.

Growing up my focus was getting good grades, learning how to cook, clean, wash clothes by hand, sew, and take care of my family’s needs. For example I needed to be very supportive of my baby sister because I was older than her. By the time I finished high school I was masterful in all of those things. In the cultural perspective once you get married your husband will take care of you. Which means even if you have a college degree you aren’t required to work outside the house. That’s his job and yours is to take care of him, his families needs and the kids.

When I got married, my mother-in-law was also a stay at home woman. Her husband and mine both worked. This was my first time living with male who was working and taking care of their families. It was new and different for me. Now looking back I don’t know if I was enjoying it or not because that’s what I had learned. But I remember getting bored a lot. In the United States it was and is common for women to work. After five months of moving to America, I asked my ex-husband if after he goes to work I could get a job. Since he was gone all the time I would get bored, I don’t know anyone besides your family, and I don’t have any friends. I am thinking about working at Burger King, which was walking distance because I didn’t have a driver’s license. He said, “Sure, if that is what you want to do I can take you there tomorrow so you can fill out the application. At that time my English was weak and I wanted to improve it. I worked in the kitchen. That was my first job in the United States. I was very happy and worked there for almost two years. When I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I quit working and became a stay home mom for many years. I was one of the lucky moms who could stay home with their kids and raise them without getting worried about work.

But you never know when things can change. When my daughters were 7 and 8 years old I got divorced. It was very hard but not foreign to me. I had learned how to live with this kind of situation from my mother. Right away I started taking care of the house and the girls. I had always wanted to have a college degree so I went back to school and got my Bachelor’s degree. While I was in school I started applying for a job but there was a part of me that was very nervous. The culture I was born in taught me that my focus should be only on children. It was a struggle. When I saw other women working in big companies and having professional careers I envied them and wanted to be just like them but I didn’t know how to.

If I have fifty people at my house I can take care of all of them easily and manage to cook for them and have a lively time. But if I had a company to run of fifty people I wouldn’t be able to do it. I always thought that other women have those skills, not me. Yet I still always wanted to do it, I struggled for many reasons. One being that I am a homebody, I love being around my family and in my home. In addition I didn’t have any personal models that had done it before.

I remembered when I was in college my counselors asked me where I saw myself in five years. I could never answer that question, I didn’t even know what they were trying to say. I wonder how many women can answer that question. I have been working for the last five years but every time I see a higher level job, I don’t dare apply because I think that I can’t do it or that it isn’t meant for me. This is the area of my life not many people know about it. I believe that just like we teach our kids how to go to school, get good grades and keep their rooms clean this is another area girls should know about when growing up.

There was a time when women didn’t have to work. Times have changed and it’s not just about making minimum wage for the rest of your life, it’s about going beyond your limits and believing that you are capable of doing anything. Don’t take me wrong. I love my job. I am working in a school as a teacher’s assistant. For many years I didn’t believe I could make money like a man and raise my girls because the mentality I grew up with was different. But now looking back I wasted time for not believing that I could do more than just clean and cook.

I am sure that as humans we all have something that holds us back, it doesn’t matter who you are. It could be related to a childhood trauma, culture, religion, family beliefs or something else. You may have been struggling with something but aren’t able to point it out. You feel embarrassed to talk about it or you may be in denial. It doesn’t matter what the case it, it is there and will be there until you deal with it. The sooner the better, because then we can look to make our futures bright.

We American talk Skinny but eat fat!

At the beginning of every year many of us make a weight loss resolution. But how many of us keep it and actually see great results, not many. Why is that? America is a country obsessed with losing weight and looking skinny. Yet America is the only county whose obesity rate is sky rocketing. When we are young, we don’t care about weight, and eat whatever we want too. But once you hit your mid 20’s we seeing changes in our bodies. And with age it gets harder and harder to lose, but it isn’t impossible as long as we are willing to still try.

Before I start writing I just want to clarify that my focus is on women who are trying to lose weight in order to be healthy, not in order to follow stereotypical ideas about being skinny. My focus is on real women whose lives are full of many responsibilities. Their first priority is family and then themselves. But we women need to put ourselves first in order to take good care of our families and feel good not just from the outside but inside too.

If we look around us we are surrounded by good health ideas. There was a time when we would have to ask the doctor how to lose weight and what foods are good for us and what isn’t it. Now through magazines, the internet and TV we can find out what kind of food is good for us. We have access to so much knowledge, so why doesn’t this trend of obesity stop?

It’s very easy to blame fast food restaurants and our busy lives. However restaurants don’t come to us, we go to them. Everybody’s body, and lifestyles are different so each individual needs to adjust accordingly. If you have health issues talk to your doctor. As adults we have our responsibilities, isn’t taking cares of ourselves one of them?

When this year started I was satisfied with my weight. At that point I was working out, eating healthy and feeling good about myself. Slowly, before I knew it, I completely changed the way I took care of myself. When my daughter graduated from high school, family came and stayed with us. I am from a culture where food is a big part of celebrations. I truly enjoy food, but I am also an emotional eater. During this time, my food was controlling me due to my inability to control myself.

I have never liked this but I understand that when women lose weight we feel good about ourselves. That’s not the way it should be because we are still the same person. But psychologically it affects us and it helps our self-esteem. I am not talking about becoming skinny or dreaming about having the same kind of body we had before we had kids. That isn’t going to happen, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t feel good.

What happened to our New Year’s resolutions? My willpower has always been very strong but when I am under stress I lose it. I get disappointed in myself as well. But their is nothing I can do about the past, we still have six more months to go for this year. Why not focus on that.

When I was younger I had lost weight easily before and have helped others to lose as well. It wasn’t hard for me and I know I can do it again. But this time, it’s not about the number, it’s about the life style. Everybody has some kind of weakness, mine is sweets. I don’t want sweets to control me; I need to find a good balance.

The very first thing we need to do is stop checking our weight every single day. Have a realistic goal and do not compare yourself with any other women. Enjoy everything but with moderation. We all know that diet and exercise work together. When we go grocery shopping for our families, watch what we are buying, because that is what you and your family are consuming. When you go to a restaurant, share your meal, there is more then enough for one person.

Don’t let another year go by and still be in the same place as before. We have all the tools and we know how to use it. Now it’s up to us to do it.

Our Teen girls and Fashion

When girls are young it doesn’t matter what nationality or skin color they are from. Anything they put wear looks cute, and the stores are full of adorable stuff, with different colors and styles. But as soon as girls start growing up those cute things don’t apply anymore. Their wardrobes start changing but usually not for the better. The outfits become shorter and shorter, to the point where it hardly covers the body.

I am the mother of two daughters and I know how delicate the adolescent age is for girls. The self-esteem and confidence level is low. At this age they are very self conscious and fragile. The main goal is to fit in with everyone else, in addition to dealing with peer pressure and other things. Clothing plays a big role in this area. I have talked to many mothers and all of our views are the same on this topic. I don’t know what fashion designers are trying to promote by making clothing small and low cut for teenage girls.

Whether going shopping for school, prom, etc, it’s all same. It’s a struggle to find a decent article of clothing that is fashionable and modest the same time. The first time I took my eldest daughter shopping for a homecoming dress, she had a hard time finding a simple dress. I took her all over town and out of town as well. Both of us were getting frustrated but she came up with an interesting idea. She found a dress that she liked that was relatively low cut, but her solution was for me to sew the neckline to make it higher. I did that and it worked perfectly. I have done that to many other dresses now too.

Clothing changes a person’s personality and we all know our society judges us based on our outside looks. Some of the clothing takes away a young girl’s innocence. It makes them look far more mature then they should. This being the case, they look at themselves differently as a result. What is the big rush in growing up fast? I dislike it very much so and I don’t understand why we are trying to promote that?

We can’t blame our kids entirely either because it isn’t their fault that there aren’t respectful yet fashionable items for them. In a way it’s as if companies are forcing us to buy small and low cut clothing. These teen girls are fashion designers marketing target. They are telling our girls what to buy because it will make them feel older and more beautiful. I hope this trend doesn’t keep going on like this.

At this age they are searching for their identity but at the same time they want to be accepted. Not all but most girls tend to have a low-self-esteem issue. Those kinds of girls become easy targets. There are many things that are associated with revealing or insinuating clothing. Rape can be more prone to occur because of it, of course it isn’t because of the teenager but the clothing speaks for itself. It’s our job as parents to teach our girls how to look nice without attracting that type of undesired attention. We need to explain to them how special they are.