Happy 2016!

Whether we are ready or not, 2015 is about to leave us, and 2016 are looking forward to enter. As many of you know, every year I like to do my whole year inventory and see what I have achieved and what am I looking forward to in the new year. My 2015 year was a good year, and I am proud to say I did achieve pretty much all of mine realistic goals. The top goals I achieved were I get my black belt, I lived in the power of now and enjoyed each day with a positive attitude. For the last couple of years, I had a dream to publish a book, and finally in 2015 I published my first book. In 2015 my other goal was to go to my daughter’s university to visit her. This is her last year, and I so wanted to go this year. The whole year went by, and for many reasons I couldn't go to UCLA. I’m not happy about it, but there is nothing I can do to change it. So I had to let it go.

It seemed like we just started 2015, and here I am writing about 2015 being about to end. It went pretty quickly and made all of us a year older. I am looking forward to 2016 with more realistic goals and hoping for an even  better year for all of us. I know not everyone had a good year. Many bad things happened, not just locally but also nationwide. It was, is and always will be very sad, and my heart goes out to those victims and to their friends and families. Unfortunately life goes on, and slowly but surely we learn how to start living without our loved once. But they will always be into our hearts. And we will miss them dearly.

I hope and I am praying 2016 will be a much better year for all of us. And if for whatever reason you couldn’t achieve your 2015 goals--- whether they were a  healthy lifestyle, exercise, starting own business or starting or finishing school --- whatever was your goal, please don’t be discouraged. We can’t go back and change anything, but what we have is today and hopefully tomorrow. So start where you left off and start walking again. We aren’t competing with anyone but with our own self. The key to achieve any goal is to believe in yourself and have a positive attitude.  

I wish you all a very Happy New Year!

My Hajj

My Ammie was a Muslim woman. And she practiced it every single day until she died. But there was one pillar of Islam called Hajj, which is the last pillar of Islam. She always wanted to do that. That was her wish before she died. Here is where you can learn about what Hajj is;  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hajj. Growing up I knew that was her last wish but due to her social, economic and religions requirements, she couldn’t go to  Saudi Arabia to do her Hajj. Many Muslim women and men--- young and old--- who have gone to Hajj before say when they went they felt a very strong connection toward the religion and felt it was their calling and nothing could stop them.

For some reason I have not felt that connection or calling to go to Hajj, but three years ago, after 7 years of not visiting family in Karachi, I was planning on visiting my Ammie with my girls, but something inside of me told me that instead of us going to Karachi I should send Ammie to Hajj. When I talked to her about it, of course she got pretty excited and happy. But for religious reason Ammie couldn’t go all by herself or with me. Due to the religious requirements women have to be with a male figure whom she can’t  marry. I happen to have a cousin who was living in Saudi Arabia. I called him, and he and I were planning Ammie’s hajj a while; she had a massive stroke, and of course she left this world without going to Hajj.

When I find out about Ammi’s stroke I couldn’t stop myself from being with her. I left the USA as soon as I could so I could be with her. Shortly after that, she started recovering  a little bit, and at some point I had to come back to the states. Before I left I didn’t have much hope for her long life, and like it or not I had to be honest with myself and I said goodbye to Ammie  forever and came back.

I didn’t have any plans to return after this trip. I dreamed about getting a call from my family and finding out she passed away. But that didn’t happen. Ammie started having small strokes, and her health started going down in no time. In June 2014 she went in vegetative coma. I had no plan at all for going back to Karachi but once I heard that, I couldn’t stop myself from being with her. It was like she was calling me, and I couldn't wait to leave everything here and just go. And that’s exactly what I did. I didn’t care about anything else, but she was calling me. And I had to go. The peace I received being with her is  indescribable. I saw  my Ammie was in a coma and pain was in pain, but I tried my best to provide comfort as much as possible for her. I feel pretty lucky and blessed she died right in front of my sisters, nieces and me. And my heart tells me that, that was my Hajj.

Before I started writing this column I’m fully aware many people might not agree with me or they might get upset, but my request for those people is please read my entire column and try to understand from my side but if you can’t that’s completely OK with me, and I will respect that. Personally I try to avoid  writing about anything related to religion because to me religion is personal, and everyone is entitled to have their own opinion. And I don’t like to create any negative issue related to religion. I love everyone regardless of their beliefs.

Are we good listeners?

Recently I met someone for the very first time, and right away she made me feel welcome and comfortable. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that she is one of those people who knows the real meaning of listening. We all have experienced that many say they are listening but we can tell they aren’t really listening. They already have figured out what you are saying or what you should or shouldn't do they can’t wait for you to finish your sentence so then they can reply to you. And there are many  people who likes to finish your sentences because they have already know what you are going to say.  

According to Eckhart Tolle “When listening to another person, don't just listen with your mind, listen with your whole body. Feel the energy field of your inner body as you listen.That takes attention away from thinking and creates a still space that enables you to truly listen without the mind interfering. You are giving the other person space - space to be. It is the most precious gift you can give. Most people don't know how to listen because the major part of listening is taken up by thinking.” I agree with him, and he is so right. Why can’t we just listen without thinking? When I met this person I could feel she was truly was listening to me without thinking. And she gave me space to be. When I left meeting with her I was feeling pretty positive, energetic, calm, in control and focused. The power of listening can be that powerful.

And it goes both way. Don’t just expect when we are talking the other person should listen to us fully. We listeners should do the same thing when it is our turn to listen. And when we show someone we are listening to them, it shows we care and respect them enough where they have our  full attention. Because they are important to us. And like Eckhart Tolle said, “It is the most precious gift you can give”. Simple listening to someone is the precious gift we can give to another person. We all like to talk and especially women. Many times we just want someone to listen but not to solve any issue or give advice. It’s such a simple thing to do, but sadly, most people don’t know how to do it.

I’m around many  people who are very good listeners and I’m fully aware what listening means,  and I believe that’s why when I met this beautiful lady who is also a very good listener I noticed in her. Without going into detail, why are we always thinking? Why can’t we just be and be present fully and enjoy the other person and the give other person the respect they deserve?        

I also have experienced that other people won’t let you talk, and the entire conversation is about them or  things you aren’t interested in at all. And when I’m leaving from there I feel tired, exhausted, disrespectful and have no desire of meeting again. Another thing that bothers me a-lot is when you are talking to other person he or she is doing four other things at the same time. And you try to get their attention on you, but the  other person doesn’t  get it and tries really hard to convince you that, “believe me, I’m listening to you”. It’s not very nice and disrespectful.

Listening is such a simple and a precious gift we can give to each other. I hope the next time when someone  is talking to us we try to give that person our full attention without thinking, and if you are already a good listening and give full attention without thinking or distraction you should be proud of yourself. People like you make us believe there are really good people out there who truly care and listen with there your whole body.

Was that my Ammie?

Sunday, November 1, around 6:30 a:m, I started driving toward Urbana to my Taek-won-do class, which start at 7:00 a:m. A day before, I was on the radio talked about my recently published book. It was a great experience and I wanted to share with my love ones. The interviewer gave me her USB drive so I could save it for myself.

As soon as I sat down in my car, I remembered her USB drive was in my purse, and I haven’t heard it. So I plugged it into my car and started driving and looked around. It was a beautiful morning. Sun was out, and it was a perfect temperature. I was feeling pretty rested and happy. The very first thing I heard was this song called “Im so proud of you” by Knight in White. I have never heard that song before. I started getting chills and then I noticed while I was driving slowly something was moving above my car and got my attention. It was really low clouds near by my car. The next thing I noticed the sun was gone. The entire area was covered with clouds and fog. And I found myself crying while hearing, “Im so proud of you”. while driving and the only person came into my mind was my Ammie (mother).

My Ammie passed away June 14, 2014. Growing up I was pretty religious, but later on I lost my strong bonding with my religion and become more spiritual than religious. I know many religious people have faith that once our family members/loved ones passed they are still around us and always watching over us. I lost all of that faith. Since my mother passed away, of course, there is not a day that goes by  I don’t think about her or miss her, but this unexpected experience made me wonder, was it her? Was she telling me how much she is proud of me and she is around me? I don’t know. But my heart is saying yes, it was her, and she is around and proud of her.

Many people around me told me their spiritual experience, and of course I respect that and don’t judge them based on how I feel about that. But one thing is for sure; until you experience your own, there is no way we can understand what others must experience. It has been 1 ½ years since Ammie left, and this was my very first spiritual experience. I felt her presence all around me, and it was pure, calming, beautiful and indescribable experience. Ammie, I hope you are proud of me, and I miss you every single day.

Take your power back

I have been thinking about this issue for the longest time and was also working on myself. As a young adult, of course I didn't understand, but as I started getting older and went through many different life experiences now I understand, pretty clearly how powerful we women are, but unfortunately many of us don’t even know and we give our own power to other person, and many of them abuse it and treat us how even they want to treat us. My beautiful readers, I am sure you got the idea I am talking about women’s power and their relationships with their significant others.

When I got married to my ex-husband, I was pretty young and didn’t even know my own self. It took me a while to find out who I am and what makes me happy and what I want. I have countless women around me who are miserable in their relationships because first of all they aren’t happy with themselves. They complain about him and are hopeful for a better future, but here is my observation: Of course the other person takes some responsibility, too, but right now my focus is only on women.

In the beginning of the relationship we women not all, but most of us don’t take our time, which means we rush into the things, get super excited, already thinking about the future and WE, NOT HIM, make ourselves believe he is the one for us. The one reason is most of us women are pretty emotional. We all know men think differently  than us even after knowing we still believe he is thinking like the way we think. We fool our own selves. It’s so important for us women to know that what we want. And if we aren’t happy with our own selves, then how can we make happy another person happy? We all wish for a healthy, happy and loving relationship, right? I love this quote, “The best project you’ll even work on is you”.

It’s extremely important for us women to find out ourselves first and also enjoy own company first and be comfortable being alone. We women are capable of taking care of countless things. And we feel pretty proud and confident. But then why are many of us women failing in the relationships? I think first of all we need to learn to be with ourselves first and not to worry about what others will think. It’s our life, and only we are responsible for our decisions. I know  many women around me are desperate for a man’s attraction. And I am sorry to say those ladies for sure get attention but not positive and also for a short time. Another issue I’m seeing is that the older women are getting they are afraid that they might not meet anyone, so some of them are willing to settle down with whoever and soon they realized it doesn't work like that.

And when we meet someone and we really like this person it’s great and all that, but we should still take time, keep it slow, getting to know each other pretty clearly, his likes and dislikes and also don’t drop everything for him. Finding a balance in life is the key for success. And having balance makes us in control, too. To my observation men like strong, powerful, balanced and understanding women. Here I’m not talking about young kids but adults relationships. And also remember if we are looking for a full package, so does he. Instead of focus on him, focus on oneself and see, do I have all doesn’t qualities, and please be honest with yourself.

If you ask any mature men, they all will say the samething. We women make rules and we are in control and in power. Do we all feel that? When I first started to meet men I was still in the  process of finding my own happiness. And of course I gave my own power to them and later I felt miserable but later when I fully I understand I feel pretty comfortable and in control. I know many women around me who are divorced with kids and are looking for a healthy and happy relationship, but sad to say they don’t want to work on themselves but kept blaming men. And later cry and beat themselves up for giving their power to the other person.

It’s never too late to learn about anything as long as we are willing to make changes and take own own control back. No body I mean nobody can make us feel bad or small about ourselves unless we give that permission to that person. From day one, if you see or feel something, don’t let it go because most of the time it gets worse. And many times it’s not too late, but need the extra work or energy required to make change. As a mother of two daughters, it’s my job to teach my girls how important and powerful they are. And don’t let any man treat them however they want but with respect, love and care.

Dear readers, especially women, I hope you get my point you are in power as and where you are. And that’s how we were born. Don’t give it to anyone, and don’t let anyone take it from you. Use it wisely and know you’re in control and responsible for your  own behavior and the choices you’re making it. Show confident and whatever you believe and say, mean it. Girl power!  

Never Say Never Ever

The long-distance relationship topic is something diffrent people feel differently about. Most people don’t believe it can work. And those people get questions when they find out someone is in a long distance relationship. I have many couples around me some met online, and some met through friends while they were visiting, then the other person has to go back to their own state or county. They felt chemistry toward each other or clicked and wanted to pursue a relationship. They kept their communication open and they met as much as possible, and before they knew it, they got married had kids and started living together here in the States.

According to the women's health magazine “We're one of the estimated 3.5 million married U.S. couples who live apart—a stat that reflects the rise of online dating (where it's easy to meet someone in a different area), an unreliable job market, and military deployments. And recently, Cornell University researchers confirmed my suspicion: Long-distance duos often communicate better and feel more connected than close-quarter couples. "They know they're at a disadvantage, so they put more time and effort into their relationship," says Tina Tessina, Ph.D. Here, tips that can help your partnership go the distance—even if you're never more than a few miles apart”. http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/long-distance-love. Honestly, I was in shock when I first read it. The number is pretty big. Long distance relationships are real and they do work out.

Here is the intersting story of my dear friend. My friend’s name is Zara. She was born in India and moved to the States as a bride when she was 20 years old. Today Zara is 45 years old. Zara’s ex-husband was also from India. At first everything was great; they have three kids together. But slowly he started losing interest in her. And 15 years later he asked for a divorce.  Zara was heartbroken and was forced to become a single parent. With time she started her life again, finished her education, got a really good currier and got involved with many other things she enjoy. She traveled all around the world. Zara become stronger then even. But one thing was for sure; she never ever wanted to meet or get married to another Indian man or ever moving back to India.The USA is her home.

After her children grew up, and she felt like it would be nice to have companionship  with the right person. four years ago, Zara decided to date. She met  many men from different nationalities. Many of them wanted to Marry Zara. She knew what she was look for, but unfortunately no one could touch her heart.  

She was getting frustrated but she wasn’t desperate at all. Zara has a lot going on, but the same time she wishes to share her life with a special person. All of her friends and family knew what kind of person/qualities Zara was looking for in the man.

This is what happened. Last year, one of her Indian friend name Neha told her about a man name Amir who she knew him personally; he is friends with her husband. And Neha lives in the States, and Neha and Zara have been friends forever. Neha  thought Amir would  be a perfect match for Zara, but as soon as  Neha told Zara about Amir, Zara said  no because he is from India, and he lives in India too. Nahe tried really had to convince her to give him a chance and then go from there. She said to her “why don’t you meet with him and then decide?” Also Neha told Zara “be open to it and you never know”. Naha  also told her not every Indian man was alike. Please give him a chance.

Last summer, Amir  was in the States visiting with his kids and was visiting Neha  and her family. Amir already knew about Zara from Neha and her husband. He was interested meeting her. Amir himself called Zara and asked her to meet. I don’t know what changed in her, but she agreed to meet with him but with the attitude “ it is just a meeting nothing else”  just because Amir was from India. He came to meet with her in her town. As soon as she saw him she couldn't believe how much attraction she felt  towards him not just physical, but also mental attraction. He liked her, too. And he asked her to meet again.  According to Zara, “It was magical”. The more Amir was telling Zara  about his life, the more Zara was getting attractive to him. According to Zara “ He is the one I have been waiting for”. He was honest and told her all about his divorce, past and his two kids. Amir  is a businessman and he told her the very first time they met, “ I was living away from India for last 10 years and now I moved back to India and am trying to establish my business again. He also made is very clear that whoever he is going to marry has to live in India with him for at least 5 years or more  because right now his business requires his time and full attention. Zara and Amir met a few more times, and then it was time for Amir to go  back to India. But they kept the communication open through technology.

It has been almost three months already, and they are both interested in each other and someday would like to marry, but before that there is a lot homework to do from both sides, but especially from  Zara’s side. A long time ago, Zara left India for good but now she met her dream boy, and he is from India and he can’t move to the States now but later, after five years. So Zara has to move to India. Can she go back after 25 years of living in the states independently? Will she be OK living away from her kids? There is a huge mentality cultural difference between both countries. Can Zara adopt that and live in India comfortably? Zara has to let go of her career and start all over again in India. She has a lot of things to figure out for herself. Amir, on the other hand, is also concerned will Zara be OK with this life-changing move.

Not too long ago I met Zara for lunch and I asked her,  “you never wanted to move back or get married to another Indian man. What changed?” She said, “Amir has all those qualities I always wanted in a man but we still have a long way to go and getting to know each other more”. They are both planning on meeting again soon and getting to each other on a daily basis. Zara also told me that, “It was my dream to meet someone like Amir and now since I met him I want to take a chance and don’t let any fears stop me. And if for some reason if it doesn’t work out,  it would be hard to accept, but with time I will. But at least I can always look back and say that I am one of those lucky woman you met her dream guy”. She added, “who would have thought he would be from India”? But now since I met him and this is the situation I am sure with time things will work out for both of us and for our kids. We are very open to each other and communicate about everything”.

After talking to Zara about Amir and knowing he is in an Indian and she is here in the States and they are having a long distance relationship, it made me trust more to  just follow your heart and you will find your way. A person like Zara who is very strong and independent, in a million years I will never ever thought she would be thinking about moving back to India for an Indian man. Amir must have something pretty special to have  conversed Zara to trust men again. I am very happy for her and wish both of them good luck.  

We all wish to have a happy and healthy relationship. We all know that there is no  perfect woman or man, so why do we focus on perfection and disappoint ourselves?  Instead of focusing on  the other person, we should focus on our own self and become the  of partner we wish to have. I believe both parties have to invest 100 percent according to have a healthy and a happy relationship. I wish we can all get back to “less is more” and instead of after fairytale concept to get real and share our love to someone special and also get love and respect back in return. Never say never ever. We never know when and how we will meet someone special and our life can change for good forever. Don’t be afraid of change. Yes, it can be scary or difficult, but often change or a difficult road leads to a  beautiful place.  

My Summer Break

This is my very first summer without my girls or going back to Karachi, Pakistan to visit my ill mother. It feels pretty strange not to take care of the family. I’m not sure I like this freedom, or am I missing responsibilities? I know one thing for sure; I am a people person. So I am differently missing human interaction on the daily basis. Plus I always have something or someone to take care of. So right now it’s a nice change and a challenge at the same time. I only have to take care of myself, which I’m learning now at this age.

I work in School, so during summer, school is off. Before summer break started, all the kids, parents and teachers were so excited and were looking forward  to a break. Many people made plans to travel, visiting families or work around the home. I don’t  have any of those plans. But I have to admit it has been almost a month since I am home on summer break and have  no plans it’s kind of nice.

Now slowly I am learning how to relax and I don’t always have to be on go. Now I call it, I am recharging my batteries, and it feels wonderful. I realized I had become one of those people who likes to be on schedule all the time. Which there is nothing wrong with, and when you have a lot to take care or if a lot going on, having a schedule helps.

Another thing I am dealing with or learning that is new to me is that my girls are older now and they don’t need me as much as they did before on a daily basis. They will always need their mother but now they can pretty much take care of everything without my help. I’m  really proud of them, but it’s a learning process for me. I am so used to it doing everything for them. I have to trust them and let them fly and trust them. Yes, they will make mistakes, but it’s part of being human, and this is the only way they will learn about life. And both of them know their mother will always be there for them.

Since I am home I also noticed I have time to do the things I have been waiting for such as working in the garden, meeting friends or publishing a book. I have been working on a book for the last two years and finally I’m almost done and I am proud to say my first book is published.

When we take a break that’s when we realize how busy we were and we enjoy break not being on the schedule but relaxing. As an adult we have lots of responsibilities and as a good citizen we try our best, but I feel like we forgot our own self and we focused on the destination instead of the journey. Why do we only enjoy summer time? Three month out of the 12 months. Why don’t we enjoy the other 9 months, too? Different people have different jobs and different responsibilities. There’s no arguing on that. But no matter what kind of life we have we should enjoy each day and instead of waiting for a summer break or a vacation that  is in the future we should feel today because that’s all we have. Tomorrow may never come but we have today. Many people, including myself, plan ahead and worry for tomorrow but we forgot what about today.

Enjoyment doesn’t mean spending money or changing routine. Whatever we are doing and wherever we are, take a deep breath and feel the moment and make memories. Today will become yesterday, and nobody knows what will happen tomorrow but the beautiful today NOW is here.