Freedom is living

Since February is my birth month, I have decided this month I am going to focus on freedom. Freedom can be different for every individual. In this article I am going to write three different generations’ freedom. First I want to introduce you to someone; his name is Rati Dutta. Last summer my daughter and I went to cost cutters to get our hair cut. My daughter was getting hers done and while I was waiting I called a friend and we were talking in Urdu (Pakistani native language) . The door opened. and I looked up and I saw an older Indian man walking in. I kept talking to my friend. He sat next to me and said to me something to me in Urdu. I looked up and he was looking at me. I said goodbye to my friend and then I asked him, “Do you speak Urdu”? He replied, “I speak five languages”. I said “Wow that’s impressive”. He didn’t seem shy at all. We talked with each other for a very short time. And then it was my turn to get a haircut and I had to say goodbye to him. He gave me his card before I left. There was something different about Rati Dutta. He left a very nice, positive, and educational impression with me.

        A few weeks later I sent an email to him and asked him if he would like to meet with me for coffee. He was up for it. We met at the coffee shop. Since then we have been meeting and getting to know more about each other's lives. I call him Uncle Rati. From the cultural perspective it’s very impolite to call your elders by their name. And he calls me, daughter. I haven’t met anyone who could impress me that much before. Last week when we met, I was already thinking about freedom and so I decided to interview him for this column. I am writing about three generations of freedom. Uncle Rati’s , mine and my daughter  to see how different each generation looks at freedom and do we really know the real meaning of the freedom.

Name: Rati K. Dutta

Age: 79

Birth country: Kolkata, India

Profession: Medical Doctor

Name: Zainab Susi

Age: 43

Birth country: Karachi, Pakistan

Profession: Teaching assistant

Name: Herrah Hussain

Age:   19

Birth county: Illinois USA

Profession: Students

Rati Dutta was born in 1936 in Kolkatha, India. I asked him “How was your childhood”?  He said to me, he grew up under extreme poverty. He had 25 family members living with him in the small home. He has seven brothers, and three sisters. He didn’t have water and food growing up. When I asked him about electricity? He laughed and said, “You can live without electric but not without food and water”. When he was 8 years old, he met Gandhi. This was the first time Gandhi came to Kolkata. Something inside of him told him he didn’t want to live in poverty. After he finished high school he decided to go to medical school and become a Medical Doctor. He also wanted to learn English, so during his time at medical school in India he applied to go to London, and they gave him the visa to come to London to learn English. He told me during that time the plane ticket from India to London was only $70 dollars. When he said that, I couldn’t believe it. I looked at him with a surprised face and then him and I both laughed hard. He was 23 years old when he left his country for a better life. While he was learning English, he also got his M.B.B.S, M.D, F.R.C.S.:M.R.C.O.G: degrees. He speaks many languages and he is full of knowledge at the age of 79. He even remembers events with their dates and years.

At the hospital he was working at, he met a white British woman; she was working as a  secretary. In 1964 she became his wife and had two kids together. I asked him, the culture you and I both are from and especially during that time how did your family and friends react when you told them about your future wife, who was white and British?” He said, “Nobody was happy but I felt strongly about her and I picked love”. He also said that, “All of my colleagues who were Indian Doctors, they all went to India and got married to Indian brides”. He wanted to pick his own life partner. After 51 years later they are still married to each other. I asked him if he could start it all over again would he move to London and pick the same woman again? He said, “Yes”. January,1 1971 the entire family moved to the States. First they moved to New York and then later Uncle Rati and his wife moved to Champaign. His kids are older and are living their own lives. He also has grandkids.

He told me he also had met John F Kennedy and he has so much respect for President Lincoln. He added, “He is the man who spoke perfect English”. Uncle Rati is a well educated doctor and you can talk to him about any topic and he will talk back with you with full knowledge. I also noticed something about him so I asked him, “I noticed that you walk straight. How can you walk straight at the age of 79?” He answered me back, “I only eat natural food. I keep my mind active by reading and getting more knowledge.” At age of 79 he is still driving, he uses his cell phone and even emails. He still travels not just from state to state but to overseas. He dresses very business like and he respects other’s opinion and cares deeply about everyone else. After meeting with him and asking all those questions he made me think, he is a real testimony for all of us. He didn’t have anything when he started. He told me when he went to London he only had $20.00 with me. But he had a vision and hope for a better life and a better future for him and for his kids . Throughout his journey he wanted to live his life how he wanted to full of freedom and he did it. I feel blessed and lucky I got the chance to meet Uncle Rati Dutta.

Zainab Susi

My life is divided into three parts. The first part is from my birth to when I turned eighteen in Karachi. Those eighteen years of my life I had lots of dreams but I didn’t see any possible way to achieve them. There was so much struggle and worrying about tomorrow. I pretty much lived that part of my life day by day without knowing where I was heading or who I was. I did everything I was told to do, not what I wanted to do. I didn’t have a normal childhood or even adolescent. Due to the family situation I had to become an adult when I was just a child.  

My 2nd part of life started when I first moved to the States in 1999 to 2002. I never thought I would move from Karachi but you never know. I moved to a brand new country with brand new people. It took me a while to realize that this is my home now and there was no turning back. Was I happy? I don’t have an answer for that because my happiness was and still is with my family. But I remember many times when I called my mom and sisters as soon as I heard their voices tears started rolling down my cheeks and I so wanted to be with them. But I had to tell myself my life is where my husband lives. And he is my first family now. And that’s how I grew up.  

I was born in Pakistan and I will always will be recognized as a Pakistani. Even though I had to let go of my birth country nationality and become a U.S Citizen. Even today after 25 years later living in the states people still ask me, where are you from? Yes, my skin is brown and my hair is black I speak Urdu but I have no connection with Pakistan anymore besides having family living there. Every time I go back home I feel like a foreigner in my own birth country. The United States gave me citizenship but people don’t look at me as American. Many times I wonder, where do I belong? Whether I wanted to or not I accepted my new life as I have chosen it. I forgot about myself or my dreams but invested into my family because that’s what I was supposed to do. The two best things happened to me during this time and it is I became a mother of my beautiful girls. That time I was a stay at home wife and a Mom. And I was busy taking care of my family’s needs. This part of life ended when I got divorced. And then the new chapter started and this is the 3rd part of my life until now.

At this point I was all-alone. I never thought that someday I would get a divorce. During the early beginning stages of my divorce I had to chose if I wanted to stay there and feel pity for myself or start crawling without knowing where I was going and chose not to feel sorry for myself but use this hard time as my strength and I started looking at the glass like it was half full. And living in The United States made me realize people come to this country all over the world for freedom and I am already living here. Slowly but surely I started making my own life decisions. And each step I took led me to another and that’s how I made it this far as a single Pakistani born woman.

Two years ago, when my youngest daughter moved out for university she made my home empty. But soon after my Mother got sick my attention became devoted to her. Even though she was in Karachi and I was here, my mind was with her 24/7. Only 8 months ago when she passed away and I came back to the United States from Karachi I felt completely lost. I didn’t know where to start, I felt like a lost soul. I realized I got so used to taking care of others and now I didn’t have anyone to take care of and that was the part that was bothering me. I also realized I didn’t know what it felt like to be normal I went through intense therapy and knew I had to let go of my past completely and to stop worrying or looking forward to the future because what I have is just today. By doing that I felt so much lighter, I felt like I started living again but this time I am living with freedom and to me freedom is living. I never got the chance to take care myself while feeling full freedom. I am talking about freedom from physical freedom and mental freedom. Where you decide whatever and however you want to live your life. Where you are not controlled by anyone and I mean anyone. And you feel complete and whole within yourself. It’s a priceless feeling. Without having any kind of security I feel secure within myself.

My freedom is different than Uncle Rati’s freedom. I didn’t have a choice but to accept my past life. But I am excited and feel complete about my present time. It’s a great place to be and that is freedom to me and freedom is living!

Herrah Hussain

“My childhood was happy and full of laughter. Growing up my memories consist of my Mother and my Sister. I don’t have many memories with my Dad unfortunately. I grew up in an open-minded household. I had no issues asking my Mom anything. I most definitely grew up having full freedom. Freedom to me is expressing myself however I want, such as speaking my mind. I had full freedom about whatever and however I wanted to wear to how to eat and sit. Choosing to attend Loyola University in Chicago was not an easy choice, I had to pick between staying close to my home or moving to the city. But after reading more about the University I saw how many doors would open for me. I would have the freedom to do so much than I could ever imagine. I didn’t have to worry about my Mom saying no to my decision, she will support whatever decision I make. I most definitely believe I am living with full freedom. I have the freedom to choose my major, my friends, and to do what I want with my life. When I think about what my Mom was like when she was my age, I can’t imagine being in that position. I know I couldn’t marry at that young of an age to someone I don’t know very well. I am lucky to be born in The United States of America, where there are so many opportunities for me. I strongly believe freedom is living.”

Three different generations with three different lifestyles and different consequences but the same goal, FREEDOM! I believe every single human all over the world whether she or he is living in the village of Pakistan or living in an advanced country, it doesn’t matter. Everyone has the right to live free and to me freedom is living! Ask your self that, Are you living your life with freedom?

Writers block

   Yesterday was Friday. I always look forward to the weekend so I can be at home and write. I planned that yesterday on my way home from work. This morning I did my laundry, vacuumed my home and cleaned. I even cooked lunch for myself. My home was clean,  and I had no place to go but to write. I grabbed my lunch plate, put it next to my computer table and got comfortable. I opened my word doc and here I am sitting and looking at the blank page and I have nothing to write about. I am having writer’s block.

       

I didn’t know about writer's block until I personally experienced it. There was a time when I was super busy but I always found time to write about anything but now I have time but I don’t know what to write about. I am finding it very interesting. I have heard that writers block is real and time to time writers do experience it.

As many of you know I am a thinker and am always thinking about something. But this time I have absolutely nothing to write about. It could be because starting last month each day I started living in the present moment. It took me time, I made myself to let go of my past and not to go into the future but to live in the present moment. It’s a beautiful place to be. If you ask me, am I happy? I would say I am in peace. There's calmness inside of me and that calmness is making me feel complete without having everything. Without thinking I don’t have enough of this or that or hoping for a better future I think, no. There is no tomorrow. What I have is right now and that’s enough for me. I also noticed by focusing on the now I am more positive, humble, understanding and feel complete. I am enjoying right now. I am forty-three years old and it took me a long time to get to this beautiful place. I feel like I have nothing to lose but to gain. Another thing, I am training myself not to expect anything from anyone anymore. Whatever I am doing for others, now I am doing it without expecting anything in return. I always did things for others from my heart, but as a human, from  time to time we all hope they knowledge it. But now I absolutely have no expectations. Living in the now is more power than anything you can imagine because that’s all we have.   

Feeling unappreciated

Recently I experienced that I wasn’t being appreciated. I am sure, if not all, but many of us at some point have experienced this. It’s not a very friendly feeling and especially if it comes out as a surprise.
When that happened to me, of course I wanted to react the same way so that person can feel how that person made me feel, but instead of reacting I took my time and absorbed how I was feeling. To me, it’s fascinating to observe and feel how our thought process and our body changes. In no time, all of my positive thoughts were out of the window and I become negative. I felt stressed and tension all over my body.
I have been working on myself to become a positive person as much as possible, but when something happens like this, that’s when we can see how much we have learned. I saw myself just as I was about to react as a negative unhappy person, but I choose not to. All day long it was bothering me. And I also choose not to give this person my power to control me. I did reply back in a calm and positive action.
My whole point of writing about this is: Don’t let anyone control you. And just because you are a nice, friendly and hard working person it doesn’t mean everyone is going to like you. We like to think that, right? And we all wish we could get along with everyone, but in reality it’s not always possible. And we have to accept that instead of taking it personally.
Later on I thought about this kind of situation more and I came to the conclusion that it’s almost always about that person who is making the other person feel unappreciated. What ever the reason is, yes, it’s unfair to that person and not a very nice thing to do. I know as humans when we have a lot going on, many times we feel overwhelmed and somehow we react in a wrong way at the wrong person. And that’s the most important time is to see how we handle situations when we are overwhelmed. Make sure we aren’t hurting our loved ones who truly care for us. It’s our own reaction that can bring people closer to us or push them far away. So before you react, makesure you think about how you are going to react.
Another important factor is we are around all kinds of good. And some good people give you the right advice and some might give you the wrong advice. It’s up to us to decide who we want to share with and make sure that person won’t make things more complicated but rather help you to calm you down and give you positive and healthy advice. Once again not everyone thinks positively as many of us do.
When we feel unappreciated we just want to quit. But please don’t quit, keep doing what you have been doing. It’s not about you at all. It’s about another person. Keep doing what you believe is the right thing to do. We all know doing the right thing isn’t easy at all but it’s the right thing to do. “What we do does not define who we are. What defines us is how well we rise after falling”. “Maid in Manhattan”

Thirty days at a time

They say it takes about 30 days to break an old habit and to start a new one.  I took the challenge and succeeded and now I am hoping this will be a lifetime habit. As many of you know, I was a worrier and lived either in the past or look forward into the future. First, I didn’t  know how to live in the present, and even when I tried, I struggled. But I didn’t quit because it was and still is important for me.  

Pretty much all of my life I lived chasing securities. Before 2014 was about to end I was so tired of worrying about everything all the time and suddenly the light bulb went on, and  it made me realize whatever happened is in the past I can’t go back and change it. But I do know what is happening now and all I have is this present moment which is more powerful than yesterday and tomorrow. I learned from TKD and many self-improvement books say the same thing, don’t resist it. You need to accept it as you have chosen it. And that’s what I did the entire month of January 2015.

Before 2015 started I made this goal that the entire month the very first thing in the morning before I get off my bed, I took few minutes to myself and told myself no matter what I am going to have a good day today. And whatever happened, yesterday is gone. Today is a brand new day. I am proud to say I achieved my 30 day goal. Of course not everyday was a great day but I didn’t let anything bother me. I changed my attitude, too, and started looking at everything as nothing stays forever, and things could be worse, so instead of resisting or fighting, I accepted it. At first I thought it would be hard to think positively not every minute of the day but each day. But honestly it wasn’t. I felt lighter, happy, relaxed, and calm.

Different people have different habits, and they want to change it. Here I am telling you it’s possible to change any habit you choose to change or add. It may take time, but it’s possible. I am an optimistic person and I am a big believer that having a positive attitude plays a huge role in your life. And everything starts within yourself, as long as you are willing to change, YOU CAN DO IT! I hope my living in the present moment habit will stay with me for the rest of my life.

Eckhart Tolle said, “The past has no power over the present moment”  I wonder how many of us are still living in the past and missing the present moment while hoping for a better future. If we think about it deeply, how sad is that, even though you know there is absolutely nothing you can do about it?  What ever happened in the past is gone. There is nothing wrong hoping for a better future. But nobody knows what will happen in the future but we do know what’s happening now. We can see it, touch it and feel it. Don’t let your past destroy your present. You have the power to change it.

I recently chatted with a friend of mine. He is a great husband, father, and friend. But when I talked to him he told me “I am living in the past or into the future. I don’t know how to live in the present moment”. I am proud of him at least he knows and he is accepting it.    There was a long time I was living like him,  because the present moment was unpleasant,  and when I looked back at the past it seemed better than the present, and of course the future was unknown so I wanted to be in the future. I learned from my own life experiences and from the reading that the present moment is all we have. And that’s million-dollar truth. Accept it, feel it and you would be surprised to see how much enjoyment you’ll receive from it.

Have a happy living in the now!

College education for parents

I went to high school in Karachi, there is no comparison between high school here versus in Pakistan. It is very different. After 16 years since my  high school graduation I decided to go back to school and get my college degree.  I started from Parkland and once I was about to finish I realized I wanted to get more education so then I went to Eastern University and from there I got my four-year college degree.

When I started at Parkland, my daughters were in Junior high. I learned about school education at the same time as my girls. And when they started High school, I learned every student meets with their school counselor, and she or he helps them to design their four year high school class plan. Among many other things I also learned how important it is for students to be in AP classes and to learn a foreign language. Before graduation many high schools held college fairs so students could see all the colleges that were out there. I even took my girls to many out-of-state college tours so they could see which college they wanted to go. It was a great and fun experience and not just for my girls also for me.

Before the college semester begins, students meet with their college counselor,  just like in high school and he or she will help them to enroll in classes based on their major. The very first semester, my daughter signed up for an Arabic 101 class. When she told me that right away I said to her, “Arabic 101 would fulfill the language requirement, correct? Since you already took French in high school and the AP credits were accepted why do you have to take this?” She said, “Yes I know but my counselor told me I have to take a language for the requirement.”.

I said to myself this doesn’t make sense but no matter what I couldn’t call her counselor like I did in high school. I had to trust her but I still wasn’t satisfied. Half a semester went by, and one afternoon my daughter called me saying, “Mom, I am having a difficult time in Arabic and I want to drop it”. I told her to think it through and talk to her counselor. I wasn’t happy with what she was saying but I had to support her final decision. Lastly, I told her that quitters never win and winners never quit. I understood she was having a difficult time but this was her first semester, and she just needed to try her best. Of course she didn’t like what I said to her. Our conversation wasn’t going well, and we ended up not talking for a few days.  Later when I asked her what she decided, she said she had decided to stay in the class, and I left it like that. The semester was about to be over with finals approaching. Two days after her Arabic 101 final she called me and told me she received an A in the class. Of course I was so happy and proud of her.

My whole point of writing this experience is because many of us parents know about college stuff, such as applying for FAFSA, loans, applying for a dorm,  meal plans, and what classes your child should take. I feel blessed and lucky I understand how college stuff works because I went to college here in the States.

I salute those kids and their parents who are having to deal with this for the first time. It’s a huge and brave step. Those kids and their parents need more support and understanding than anyone. My hope is for either communities or high schools to provide some kind of college assistance for the parents so they can have a better understanding of what their child is getting into it.. When kids go to college they are young, excited, nervous and need lots of support from their family and their college. But how family can provide support if they don’t even understand what are they supporting?  I hope my point is clean, and our next generation parents won’t suffer as much as us old parents are going through.

Happy Valentine's!

What is Valentine’s day? “ St. Valentine's Day began as a liturgical celebration one or more early Christian saints named Valentinus. Several martyrdom stories were invented for the various Valentines that belonged to February 14, and added to later martyrologies.[2] A popular hagiographical account of Saint Valentine of Rome states that he was imprisoned for performing weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry and for ministering to Christians, who were persecuted under the Roman Empire. According to legend, during his imprisonment, he healed the daughter of his jailer, Asterius Valentine's day. An embellishment to this story states that before his execution he wrote her a letter signed "Your Valentine" as a farewell.”    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine%27s_Day.

I think Valentine's day is a beautiful romantic day, America has adopted it, and now it has become a part of the American culture. And it’s not only in the States but also making it’s roots all around the world.

In America we celebrate by giving cards, flowers, chocolates and presents such as jewelry to our spouse or partner. Many people even arrange romantic dinners in restaurants or in hotels. And the most common symbol of Valentine's Day is the heart, particularly in red and pink. Here is my observation about Valentine's day in the States: Over the years it has become for companies a huge business day. Anything associated with valentine's day they make the most money out of it. In my opinion Valentine's day has lost it’s true meaning, which is to celebrate love.

I don’t see anything wrong with having a day once a year to call Valentine's day. But I do see an issue with not all but many couples who don’t treat their partner with love throughout the year. Whether you are a man or a woman you should be nice and love each other always. I am not materialistic and I guess that’s why it bothers me when I see people buying things to make others happy. And we all know companies take full advantage of that. Yes, it is true that things do make some of us happy but only for a very short time. But the feeling you provide to your love partner will stays with her or him always.

A lot of partners get excited about Valentine's day but at the same time many partner’s heart get broken that day. I wonder how many of us know that valentine's day is one of the top breakup days in the States. “The covers of glossy magazines and the good folks at Hallmark believe that, come Valentine's Day, we get all hot and bothered about romance and relationships. But it seems an increasing number of couples are using the holiday as a springboard to evaluate their love lives. And instead of making up or making out, some couples are breaking up and moving out. A new Yahoo! survey found that between the December holidays and Valentine's Day, people are more than twice as likely to consider breaking up than any other time of the year. Some daters just don't want to fake the romance any longer”. http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=2863607. Normally when we hear about Valentine's day we don’t think about it being a  break up day, right? But for some people it is. Have a great Valentine's day every single day of the year!

Stranger danger

Stranger danger is the phrase we use to sum up danger associated with adults whom children do not know. We teach kids that to protect them from danger. That makes complete sense and we, the parents and adults feel like that’s our responsibility to protect kids from strangers.

Here is my observation about adults. We don’t just use the term stranger danger for kids we also use it for other adults as well. Many adults are afraid of each other. We feel uncomfortable talking to them, saying hi or simply smiling at them. I am not saying everyone is good and we shouldn’t be cautious but at the same time, why are we afraid of each other?

Here is the point I am trying to make. I know I am not the only one who has noticed that when we go out we all notice how many people are alone. I talked to many of my friends and asked how they felt about going out alone and noticing other people ignoring them? And of course none of them liked it. What and why are we afraid of each other? Let’s not even go far lets think about our own town. How many single people living alone and wish they could have someone to talk to.  They aren’t looking anything else. But simply  a good conversation or a company so they don’t feel alone.

With our technology world, pretty much everyone is on their cell phones and there is absolutely no human interaction. Even when we go to the grocery store, you don’t have to talk to anyone. You grab whatever you need, scan your items, pay and leave the store without saying a word to anyone. I know many time it’s convenient but at the same time how sad is it to have no human interaction at all.

I am one of those and I like people and I believe it’s important to have interaction with others. Couple months ago, I was out with a friend. We were eating and talking when we noticed there was a person eating alone and he was on his cell phone. My friend said, “hi” to him and then we invited him to join us. He felt comfortable and we talked for a long and we all had a good time. I even said to him, “Why can’t we invite other people and eat together and have a good time?” He said, “Yes, why not”. I have met many people like that.

Last year I took my daughter to a hair salon and that’s when I met an older man. I don’t have words to describe how impressed I am by him. We exchanged phone numbers and then later met many times. I am glad I am not afraid of people. The only time people aren’t afraid to talk to others is when they are on their vacation. Why is that? It’s because they are relaxed and their attitudes are,  “I am on my vacation and I am going to have fun”. Or they know they aren’t going to see those people ever again.

Another place I noticed that people feel more comfortable talking to each other is at the bar. They even have full conversations, laugh and have a great time. Some people even exchange phone numbers and make plans to meet again. Why is it acceptable at the bar and on vacations to talk to people but not other places?

I also wonder how many single people don’t even leave their home because they  feel lonely and even when they go out people don’t talk to them. Or they get the vibe from others about stranger danger. I feel really sad and sorry for those people. We humans are suppose to have interactions with each other. I can’t even imagine how those people must feel so lonely and alone.

I hope you get my point, let’s not be over protective and miss out. Look at each other and treat others how we want to be treated. In my personal experience, we have more good people than bad people. But because of those bad people we judge good people too.  And that’s not fair to them. Let us open our hearts to others and be nice to them. They don’t need anything from us but company or a nice conversation.