A Story of a Beautiful Woman!

June 14, 2014 at 1:25 AM my Ami met her loving lord. It still doesn’t seem real. The whole family has to pinch ourselves to remind ourselves that Ami is gone forever. We sisters and family knew that her time was coming but when it came, it was so painful for us to deal. My Ami was one of the real women in the world. Her patience, honesty, softness, caring personality, beauty, loyalty, humbleness, simplicity, loving and dignity are just a few things to define her.

            My Ami’s name was Habiba Susi. She was born in Madrass, India. She was the youngest in her family with one older sister and 3 brothers. After the partition in 1947 her family moved to Karachi, Pakistan. Growing up Ami told us many stories about her childhood. She never forgot where she came from, even when she became a Pakistani Citizen. But her heart was stayed in India. Her father and two of her brothers were in the Army so growing up the household was very proper. She was a college graduate with English and math being her favorite subjects; education was huge deal for her. All her life she respected herself and others, and was full of etiquette.  

She got married to my father when she was 25 years old. After 10 years of marriage my father died suddenly of a heart failure.  My Ami was left with five daughters all under ten years of age to raise. But my mother did a remarkable job. She never re-married or gave anyone a chance to say anything about her character. She lived her life with dignity and without an ego. She worked very hard to make it each day and she struggled a lot. But she was not a quitter but a fighter. Her faith was always strong and she never asked anything from anyone except from God. After my father died my uncle, who was financially stable, bought a two-bedroom home for us. My Ami was so happy, she always said, “I have a place to live for me and for my daughters”.  She also had a huge heart.  I don’t remember when but for as long as I can remember my grandmother on my Ami’s side lived with us until she died.  One of my cousins who couldn’t live with her parents, my Ami offered her to live with us too. She raised her just like her own daughter. Growing up I didn’t know she was our cousin. I always told people I have six sisters. I am still amazed by how my mother managed everything and everyone with a very limited income and never complained.

I can still close my eyes and see my Ami walking everywhere from paying bills to visiting relatives because she couldn’t afford a taxi, and coming home very sweaty with her feet full of dust. I never liked seeing my Ami tired and worried. Her focus was on her daughters and she never showed us her frustration or anger towards not just us but to anyone. Her pride and dignity were very important for her. Throughout her life lots of people gave her a hard time but she dealt with it gracefully, calmly and maturely.

She never forgot who was there for her during her hard times. She always told us “don’t forget them, they were there when nobody was”. I am so proud to say my Ami was not materialistic at all. She cared about people’s feelings; sometimes I wonder how my mother survived in this unfit, male dominated country without a husband.

  Ami wanted all of her daughters to have a higher education but at the same time she knew she couldn’t afford it and in the society she was raising us in, she knew it would be better for her and for all of us if we all could get married as soon as possible. Sadly to say getting marriage was more important than getting a higher education. My uncle gave Ami security about her daughter’s wedding expenses. Two of my older sisters got married at the age of 16. When I turned 17 I knew it was my turn to get married but I didn’t want to. I wanted to study and have a career so I could support my family. But at that time I didn’t have a voice. My proposal came from USA, I didn’t want to move away from my family but I didn’t have a choice. I still remember all of us were on the way to the airport in the van and I was crying a lot. When I looked at my Ami she was sitting alone crying without showing any emotion or making any noise. Her face looked so worried for me but even then I could tell she was feeling helpless because she was forced to send her daughter to the other side of the world. Once I became a mother I understood her more, how difficult that time must have been for her but I am sure she trusted God and sent me with hope and prayed for the best for me. 

She didn’t travel a lot due to financial reasons but once I became a US citizen I applied for my Ami to come here and she was able to visit me twice. She was very happy to see my girls and I, although everything was different here for her she adjusted very well and eventually liked it. She didn’t want to stay in the States because she missed her other daughters, her grandkids and her home.

Slowly her health started going down and unfortunately at some point, her body couldn’t keep up with her. But she fought until the last day. In April 2013 she had the first stroke, it was massive but she survived. She had high blood pressure and diabetes, later we found out she had an infection in her chest, blood and urine. Months later she had more strokes. And through a MRI we found out her brain was completely gone. The only thing that was keeping her alive was her heart. Since she had a stroke a year ago, the family didn’t think she would make it too far. Each day we all thought, today could be her last day. But none of us are in control; only God knows when her time is up. A month ago, she went into a vegetative coma. Ten days before she passed I came to Karachi without knowing how long she would be alive, I just knew I had to be with her. It was extremely hard and sad to see her in a coma. I remember there were many hours in the days when I didn’t want to see my Ami suffer, I wanted to hide so I wouldn’t have to deal or see her suffering. But at the same time I was getting my motivation from her. I had to tell myself, it’s not about me. If Ami can be that strong why can’t I. For sure my Ami was the strongest woman I have ever met. She was in coma for at least a month. Her Doctor had no hope for her; she had bedsores at stage 4, infections all over her body, she was on feeding tube, and slowly her chest congestion was making it harder for her to breath. We had to give her nebulizer and section treatment. The whole family knew exactly what was going on. And that’s why we decided to keep Ami at home with peace. We prayed and prayed 24/7 asking God to please make it fast and easy for her. And he did. Two days before she passed she had a heart attack and the Doctor told us she would not be able to make it to the hospital. All of my sisters and I stood around her and continued to pray. We would also talk to her and let her know that all of us were here with her, how much we love her and care for her. Even then I was amazed my mother was still alive after her heart attack and the continual struggle for each breath. The day she passed was on a religious day called Shaban. Here is the link so you can read about it. http://www.alahazrat.net/islam/the-excellency-of-the-15th-night-of-shabaan.php.  From the religious perspective, we believe shaban is a very holy month and during the 15 shaban whatever you pray for, your prayer gets accepted right away. And whoever dies that night goes straight to heaven. I remember since my childhood when my Ami heard about anyone’s death on the 15^th Shaban, she always envied them and said, “Look how lucky they were”. And would pray that when she died it would be on the 15^th shaban. Her wish came true! She died on the 15^th Shaban at 1:25 AM.

My mother was a complete woman from all angles and was also a holy woman. We, the whole family truly believe that she didn’t need to pass on the 15^th shaban to go straight to heaven because she already earned her place in heaven during her time on earth. The whole family misses her a lot and always will. She is the reason we are where we are right now and all of us are living our lives with pride and dignity. It has been 6 weeks since she has passed. And I am not sure all of us have accepted that she is gone or maybe because it still seems unreal.  Here and there I have to tell myself my Ami is gone forever. I am sure that’s part of the grieving process. It will take time but even as an adult it seemed like we lost both of our parents at the same time. She was everything to us and we were everything to her. Thank you God for giving my sisters and I the best parents in the whole entire world.

I miss you Ami, Zainab.

Oldest daughter (Saeeda Baji)

“The very first in the morning, I miss seeing Ami on her bed.  I remember I used to go with her to pay the bills and to buy groceries. When she got sick I would make breakfast for her and in our free time we played ludu (board game).  I miss playing with her and miss spending time with her. Since I was a child, I always talked too much so she would always gently tell me to stop and then sat me down quietly next to her. She taught me how to cook and I would iron Ami’s clothes for her. I miss making chai (tea) for her”.

Who is Mahvish?

      I met Mahvish as soon as she was born. She was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. It didn’t take for the whole family to fall in love with Mahvish. She was a perfect child. Everything about her was so special and enjoyable. She was the first granddaughter and the first niece.  She is my oldest sister’s daughter. I was 12 years old when I met Mahvish and I truly believe I became her mother first then my own daughter’s mom.

My sister and her family lived in my Ami’s home until Mahvish was 3 years old. And it was the most memorable and fun time I experienced with her. Then for some personal reason we couldn’t meet with my sister and nieces after they moved into their own home. The interesting thing was we all missed each other unconditionally. Our love for each other didn’t die but instead it grew stronger every day. My Ami was truly heartbroken when she couldn’t see her daughter and grandkids. She prayed and prayed to God to see them again. I still remember how many tears Ami shed as she begged God to make her wish come true, to see them again. But God had a different plan. It took 8 years until her wish came true; my sister’s husband had a heart failure and my sister and nieces moved back to my Ami’s home for good. It was the perfect arrangement.  My mother needed support and there was no better caretaker than my sister. They all had a very good understanding of each other and lived happily like a big family.  Both of my nieces called their grandma, Manu. Manu was my Ami’s nickname when she was a little girl. They both respected Manu a lot. My Ami was an active woman so they did everything together and listened to everything she said, whatever she asked for or needed they brought it to her right away.

Slowly with age my Ami’s health start going down. But she was still manageable. Years later one day my mother fell and had a massive stroke. It was Mahvish who saw her first and provided first aid to her.  From that day my Ami’s condition got worse and worse. And she was fully on medical support and needed a fulltime nurse.  None of my sisters and my nieces were medically qualified but that’s when the amazing side of Mahvish came out. Even though she didn’t know much about the medical field she knew her Manu needed help. Very quickly just by watching other nurses she learned by herself how to check blood pressure to properly using a feeding tube to every single thing you can imagine a stroke patient who is on fully on the bed would need. In no time she became a CNA and Nurse without a degree. With Mahvish and family care Ami started making progress. She was able to speak again, was more aware of her surroundings, able to ask for whatever she needed, she was able to move a little bit, she could show her emotions and she had a very positive attitude, she tried on her own to do whatever and as much as she could.

Mahvish was there day and night for her.  She quit her daytime job to be with her Manu. She didn’t care about her own personal life, enjoyment, hanging out with friends or anything like that. Her focus was to provide the best treatment she could. She always fed her first and then she ate. There were countless nights she was up checking Manu making sure she was okay. Ami was not on any kind of life support so she had breathing problems especially during the nighttime. As soon as Mahvish noticed it didn’t matter what time it was, Mahvish was up standing next to her and tried to make it as comfortable as she could for her. Feeding was another issue. Manu didn’t want to eat because she couldn’t chew or swallow easily. It was Mahvish who made sure she finished her meals, even if it took three to four hours.

As soon as we thought she was getting better, everything got worse. She had more strokes and then through the MRI we found out her brain was complete gone and she had an infection in her blood and urine. Slowly she started losing consciousness and went into a vegetative coma. Once I heard about it I came to Karachi to visit her and spend time with my family. I tried to help Mahvish as much as I could. But the way she was taking care of my mother I am proud to say none of us sister could do it. Since Ami was on her bed all the time, she started getting bedsores. At some point her bedsores reached to stage 4, her Doctor had to do a small surgery and clean that area. If you don’t know much about stage 4 bedsores, they are injuries to the skin and tissues caused by pressure, it most commonly occurs to those on bed rest or in a wheel chair. A stage four bedsore means the sore is reaching into the muscle and bone that causes extensive damage and it isn’t easy to take care of. After she had the surgery she needed to change the dressing every other day. I thought I could be that strong like Mahvish but she proved me wrong. Mahvish watched the Doctor at the hospital as he changed the dressing and she was able to do it on her own. The only help she needed to hold Ami’s body because she couldn’t move at all. I remember very well the very first time I was helping Mahvish to change the dressing on Ami. My feet started shaking, and it was so hard to hold Ami. But I was amazed to see how confidently Mahvish was able to do it. That is just one example of her remarkable job of taking care of her Manu.

Ami’s condition was getting worse and worse and we knew her time was near. Mahvish was up many nights up and prayed by her side for many nights. Two days before Ami’s death she had a heart attack and that was an indescribable time for the whole family. Her Doctor told us she would not be able to make it to the hospital. Mahvish couldn’t sleep all night long and prayed and prayed. Her Manu left this world in front of the entire family. Mahvish was reading the Quran loudly and watched her Manu until her breathing stopped. On July 15 2014 at 1:25 AM Ami met her loving God and left this painful world.

Today Mahvish is living in Karachi with her mother and younger sister. She is missing her Manu a lot but is handing this difficult time beautifully. She is beautiful from the inside to out. She takes care of the house, does cleaning and cooking and follows all the rules, which any good girl is supposed to do. Mahvish is funny and loves to laughs and is full of life! But when she cries it’s very difficult to see her. I wish my Mahvish all the best for the future and truly am thankful from the bottom of my heart how she took care of Ami. I wish we would have more girls like Mahvish that are truly caring and love family!

Electricity issue in Pakistan

As many of you know I am in Karachi, Pakistan. This country doesn’t get all four seasons. There winter is not as cold as Illinois but last year Karachi weather’s was very cold compared to previous winters.  From winter they jump straight into summer where the temperatures reach up to 105 F with high humidity with absolutely no rain.

High temperatures are one thing to deal with but if you don’t have electricity it’s absolutely miserable.  The way electricity works is due to the less electricity around the country they have to share with others. There is set time during the day when the electric company will shut your area’s power off but here and there they do unexpectedly shut off the electric. These are the timings for everyday; morning from 4:30 AM- 6:30 AM, 11 AM-1 PM, 3 PM-5:30 PM, 8PM-10:00 pm. No electricity everyday at least for 10 hours a day. Three days ago there was no electricity from 8:00 pm to 4:30 AM. My Mom’s home has a generator but at some point even a generator needs a break and on top of that you can’t turn the AC and the fridge on when the generator is on. Everyone feels miserable, low energy, high blood pressure and dizziness. Many people are getting sick due to the hot temperature.

I grew up in Karachi and since I now live in the States it’s a culture shock for me. Electricity, cold water and being in a clean and comfortable environment are also a necessity. But here in Karachi, I am seeing how hard and miserable people are living every single day and that’s their life. I came to Karachi knowing at some point I would go back to the States and then I don’t have to deal with these issues anymore but my heart goes out to the people who are living here and dealing all these issues every single day.    

Many of you know that I am always comparing Pakistani culture and issues to the States cultures culture and issues. No place is perfect and both countries have their own issues but without going deeply, the people who are living in the States are blessed with everything they have and they don’t have to suffer or struggle every single day.

Last week one day there was no electric for 5 hours plus even the water wouldn’t work. After waiting for hours we decided to buy water. We called many places but they all said they are out of water. Finally we got lucky and one company sent a water tank. Honestly I was amazed how hard life is here. We are lucky we could afford to buy water and have a generator and AC. But what about the people who can’t afford all of that? My heart goes out to them and I feel sorry for them.

My Mother raised me to always appreciate everything and to try very hard not to take advantage of anything but once I came home and saw how hard my family and others are living, it makes me appreciate everything more. Having basic needs are every single human’s birthright but unfortunately that’s not the case all over the world. And that makes me very sad and frustrated. I see here in Pakistan the rich people and I also see in the States how many people take advantage of everything and they don’t even think about how wrong they are and how hard others are living.

At my Mom’s home we have a generator and air conditioning. And the whole family and I feel very lucky and blessed we have that necessity. I can’t even imagine the people who don’t have that and are living absolutely miserable but poor people have no choice.

Last chapter of my Ami's life!

Last chapter of her life!

Planning, planning and planning. Many of us are the planers and would like to run our lives according to our plans. I am also one of those who plan. But at the same time life doesn’t go according to our plans. Someone else is in control and he knows what’s best for us. Last year when I find out about my Mother’s (Ami’s) stroke, I came to Karachi and spent time with my family. My mother’s condition was bad and my family didn’t think she would make it far but a year later she is still with us. When I was leaving I honestly didn’t think I would see my Ami again so I did say my final goodbye to her. But only God knows when the time is to leave the world.  After I came back to the states I was in touch with my family and found out my Ami made some progress. But then her health started going down again. She had many small strokes and whatever progress she made she lost it. Three weeks ago my family told me my Ami was in the hospital and we found out she had an infection in her blood, urine and in her bedsores. From the CT scan we found out there is nothing left in her brain. She was in a coma with her temperature above 105 degrees F. My entire family got scared and were very worried for her. When I found out I was feeling very sad and depressed for my mother. I didn’t have any plans to go back to visit her again due to my work schedule. But I feel very lucky how much my co-workers and friends and family supported me through this difficult time. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart and truly appreciate you all. I am a believer and I believe you will know whom your true friends are when you are going through a tough time. I am proud to say I have countless true friends around me. Honestly, I didn’t know I would be able to come to Karachi in such a short time but you all made it possible for me.  I made the entire plan within a week and a week ago I arrived in Karachi.

It was and still is very hard and sad to see my Ami in a coma. I can close my eyes and see my Ami’s whole life in front of me like a movie. She is the strongest and patient person I have ever met.  You can name any problem or issue and my Ami has dealt with it. And the amazing part is she never complained to anyone about anything. She has been very strong and always asked helped from God. She was pretty young when she became a widow with 5 young girls. She never re-married and devoted her life to us. We didn’t grow up financially rich but the way she raised all of us in poverty was remarkable. I have so much respect for my Ami.

Now she is counting her last breaths. She is not on any kind of life support and is breathing on her own; she is still alive and I know because I can feel her heartbeat. We are all aware of what’s going on and we know her time is coming it’s only a matter of time. My Ami’s faith always been very strong and that’s why all of us are here and I am asking all of you there to please pray to God to make it easy for her.

Amtrak

Last year my youngest daughter decided to go to Loyola University in Chicago. The Chicago area wasn’t new to us. Before we moved to Mahomet, we lived 10 years in one Chicago’s suburbs. Driving to and from Chicago wasn’t a big deal for me. After we moved to Mahomet, we still had family there and I had driven into Chicago using all the major highways and also in all four seasons. But then family moved away and slowly driving to Chicago became less frequent. I slowly lost my ability to drive into the Chicago city. When we first took my daughter to her University, I noticed the traffic gave me a lot of stress and I didn’t want to drive on big highways anymore. I got use to driving in Champaign. My girls noticed and they both drove. Chicago isn’t that far it takes approximately 2 ½ hours. But it’s hard to find parking and when you find it, it can get very expensive. And that’s when we started looking at other ways she can come home without me driving into heavy traffic and getting stress about it.

We found out that Amtrak is the best way to go to Chicago, it leaves from Champaign and the parking is also free at the train station. After doing the math we came to the conclusion that we liked Amtrak’s deal better. She started using the train and many times I went to visit her too by taking the train. It takes us straight to Union Station, the seats are comfortable and it’s less stressful.

But here is the downside; the train is never on time. Every time my daughter comes down or I go up to visit each other we noticed every single time, the train is late. In the January my oldest daughter was home and wanted to visit her sister in Chicago. We decided to take the early train so we can spend the whole day with her and then take 4:00 pm train back. Unfortunately on the day of travel the train was 1 ½ hours late and the Amtrak people didn’t even have any kind of answer. They kept saying train should be here soon. Of course our trip was really short and none of us liked it.  Last Tuesday night my daughter took a train home after finishing her finals. She was tired and very excited to be coming home. From Chicago she left on time and her train was supposed to arrive at Champaign at 10:34 PM. She texted me at10:30 PM “We are still in train. We are stopped but they haven’t announced why”. At 11:28 PM she text me again, “So apparently there is a freight train in front of us that lost fuel”. At 11:45 PM she came more than an hour late.

I don’t like how the trains are always late. I can understand if there are emergencies but every single trip, it is too much. I wonder how others feel about their service. Yes, their tickets are cheap and it is less stressful but what about the time. Their 2½ hours always turns into 3 or 3½ hours. I really hope they will do something about it and consider people’s frustrations in the future.

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Another dream came true!

Another dream came true!

            Since I was a child along with many others dreams I also dreamt of modeling or acting. But due to life circumstances I couldn’t achieve that dream. Also Pakistani culture doesn't approve of it. And that’s why I never shared this dream with anyone. I knew if I told someone I would hear something negative and I would feel bad about dreaming about something like that. But that dream has always been alive in me.

After I moved to Mahomet in 1999 I found a modeling agency in Champaign. I called the person and talked to her but there was something about that place and the person that I didn’t like, but I did get the chance to make a commercial and being in a graduation catalog. Yet it didn’t feel fulfilling. I didn’t enjoy at all and the owner wasn't professional at all and very shortly I found out she closed her business. I was disappointed but wasn't satisfied how she was running her business. Then I got busy raising my girls and here and there I thought back to my dream. 

Last year I met Cara day though another my friend. Cara told me she is involved in acting and she is also a director assistant of Johnny Robinson. Johnny Robinson is an independent movie director.http://gardenofchloe.weebly.com/johnny-robinson.html. After I told her I was interested in acting, she sent me his email address and told me he is looking for actors for his new independent movie,http://gardenofchloe.weebly.com in town.  I got excited and emailed him introducing myself and letting him know I am interested. A couple days later he replied back and asked me to meet with him at his home because that’s where he is making the movie and he wanted me to see the place too. 

First I felt a little hesitant meeting a stranger for the first time at his home. I called him and asked him to meet at the bookstore but once he picked up the phone and explained why he wanted to meet at his home all of my worries went away.  There was something inside of me that said, don’t worry about it it’s all good. Believe it or not, the minute I met him I felt very comfortable. He made me feel very welcomed. We met for an hour or so. I told him that I don’t know much about acting and don’t have any experience but I am interested.  He asked me about myself and he told me about the role he thinks I would fit based on my personality and also told me, “I don’t want you to act but be yourself”. I really liked that.  He also named my character my real name “Zainab”. What more could I ask for? I met his beautiful and fully supportive wife and other actress and camera crew. Every single person is very nice. I am having a great time and am looking forward to the shooting. My HUGE thank you to Cara Day and to Johnny Robinson, for giving me this fun, lifetime experience. I am truly grateful for that.

I am a dreamer and also I believe dreams do come true. Sometime it takes time and something do come true but sometimes not the way we planned it. I never thought I would be acting in an independent movie here in Urbana, IL. When I told my family about it, they were very happy for me and fully supported.  But sadly the culture still doesn't approve and from the culture prospective acting and modeling is something good people don’t do. I am glad I don’t think like that and I am following my dreams. If someone doesn't approve of what I do or wants to judge me that’s okay because I am very comfortable about who I am. I don’t have to prove to anyone anything, I just live my life the way I want to live it. How often do we get chances like this.

My whole point of writing this story is that, it doesn't matter what your dream was or is. Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t achieve it. They’re your dreams so it’s your job to take care of it and to make it happen. Whatever your dream is you are never ever too old to achieve it. Don’t doubt yourself but believe in yourself and then others will too. Everything starts within us.

Happy Mother's Day!

Mother’s day is a beautiful tradition! Not just in the USA but also all over the world people celebrate it and I personally love this tradition.  What our mother’s have done or are still doing is remarkable. I grew up without a father but with my Mom (Ami), growing up everything was a struggle even for the basic needs. I admire how my Mother raised 5 daughters, our grandmother who lived with us and died in our home, and also one of my cousins who moved into our home when she was younger. There were 8 people living in a two-bedroom house. My mother raised my cousin like her own daughter. I remember growing up people would ask my sisters and I how many sisters we had and we always said 6. I still wonder how my Mother took care of everyone with the limited income and never complained instead always thankful to God.  

Growing up in Karachi I never heard about Mother’s day but once I moved here I started getting to know what Mother’s day was about. In the culture I am from Mothers are highly respected people. Anything they need or say, it doesn’t matter what your age is you will never talk back to her; you just do what she needed as fast as you can. Growing up I have seen how my Mother and uncles treated my grandmother with the up-most respect. When she entered into the room everyone would rise from their seat and waited until she sat down before they did for respect.

            Last year in April 2013 when my Mother had a massive stoke, we all got scared and thought we would lose her. But because of her strong will and the fighter she is, she is still with us. She is fully paralyzed and her condition is getting worse but we feel blessed everyday she wakes up. But as a family we know based on her condition she won’t be with us too much longer. I have talked to many people who have lost their mothers and every single person said the same thing, it’s not same after their Mother is gone, it’s like a hole that never gets filled. I don’t know how I feel when the time comes but I feel extremely blessed I got the privilege to know my Mother and I know God gave me the best Mother in the world.

            There is another person in my life that I also call my Mother, she is my ex-husband’s Mother. It’s part of the culture to call your husband’s Mother your Mother as well. At the beginning if feels strange because she isn’t your actual Mother. But with time and experience you do get close to each other. When I first moved to the States I was 18 years old and had just finished high school. I didn’t know what the marriage role meant or how to be a daughter-in-law. But my mother-in-law whose’ name is Hawa bi Hussain said to me 24 years ago, “You are like my own daughter”. And I am proud to say until this day 24 years later she still treats me like her own daughter. Even during my divorce she didn’t take anyone’s side and continued treating me like family. To this day she calls me every week to check up on me, asking how I am and if I need anything. I feel very comfortable with her.  She is caring, loving, sensitive, understanding, supporting, mature and the nicest woman I know. I feel very lucky I have two remarkable women who I call my Mothersin my life. On this Mother’s day I wish both of my Mothers a Happy Mother’s day and to all the remarkable Mother’s out there!