Life is beautiful!

Sunday, November 3, 2013

My own reflection

During our dinner conversation it occurred to me that in two months my eldest daughter will be eighteen years old. I started reflecting on my own life and who I was at that age. She is about to finish high school and is looking forward to the next chapter of her life; college. She is busy applying, planning, and going through all kinds of mixed emotions.

When I turned eighteen I got married and moved to the United States of America. Before, I was focused on my school and wanted to become a doctor. I started supporting my family at the age of 15, I was a respectful girl and happily living my teenage years. Two of my sisters got married at the age of seventeen. My father passed away when I was pretty young and we didn’t have a brother to depend on. Since we lived in a male dominant country I knew from birth how hard my mother had been living. The only way we sisters could help relieve our mother’s burden was to get married at early ages. I still remember the day like yesterday. I got home from high school, and my mother said, “Go change and freshen up. Someone is coming to see you today.” I had had a long day at school and had a lot of work to do, but I also knew this day would come. I was 17 and finishing high school when my husband‘s marriage proposal came for me.

At that time and in that culture arranged marriages at the ages of 17 and 18 were common. I did what I was supposed to do, and got married. I pushed my dreams aside and started thinking about my husband, and moving to America. I started accepting his lifestyle and his culture. It didn’t take long for me to leave my family, country and my dreams. At the age of 18, I suddenly became a wife, daughter-in-law and took on all the responsibilities that come with those roles. At that time I felt like it was my job to make everyone happy and be a very good person because I was representing my culture and family. Now looking back yes, the process was difficult but I have no regrets about anything. I took the responsibilities I was given and mastered them.

When I look at my eldest daughter I am shocked at how truly different a generation gap can be. I was under my culture’s influence when I grew up. But as I have raised my own children it isn’t the same as how I was raised. Getting married is the last thing on her and my mind. Right now she is looking forward to going to the prom, graduation, graduation party, moving to college, and making new friends.

She is a beautiful person from inside to outside. She gets good grades and mentors freshmen girls. She started working when she turned 16 too. Whenever she gets paid she brings her check to me and asks me for some pocket money. She has good values, and always puts her family first. We share the same values but have grown up in completely different ways.

I had my daughters at an early age and although I chose to raise them differently, I don’t regret the way I grew up. There are different perspectives on everything, especially on raising a child; I chose to give my girls the best opportunities available. I didn’t get that privilege when I was young and so I have tried to give them all sorts of experiences.

When I was 18 I moved to a different country permanently, I respect and admire my mother greatly for staying strong with me through that. My daughter is going to college and that makes me nervous. I can’t even imagine sending my girls overseas as a bride, with new people and a new lifestyle for good. I knew nothing about life then, and it was a very difficult transition. But now looking at the bigger picture my mother did a huge favor for me. It’s sad to say but I am better off here then in my own country.

My daughter and I are only one generation apart, but raising her has come down to my basic principles. I have tried to help her make good choice and taught her about many different viewpoints.

I found my home in small town

Different people say different things about small towns. It all comes down to where you are coming from and your own experience. Many people that are born and raised in a big city can never imagine moving to a small town and that holds true for people that grow up living in a small town. No doubt, it’s a big adjustment and a huge change. However change is good for us. It takes time for us to feel comfortable with our surroundings and feel safe, that’s natural. Change can be scary for many people. It was for me.

I was born and raised in a big city, Karachi, Pakistan. Karachi is the most educated and advanced city compared to rest of the country. The population for Karachi is between 13 and 20 million. Karachi is the hub for economic activity, manufacturing, technology, and industry. It is the heart of Pakistan.

Growing up I witnessed mass chaos, people were always eager to get somewhere. Everyone was complaining about stress, traffic, money, family, anything. Another thing I noticed was that the health of people living in Karachi wasn’t as good as those in other areas of the country.

I was eighteen years old when I moved to a suburb near Chicago, IL. Here I found much similarity between Karachi and Chicago. However Chicago was far more organized. There was no pollution, but the population and traffic was great. The people who work in the city have to leave pretty early from home to beat rush hour. I also found that the stress level was high for Chicago people too. It’s a busy life style but at the same time there is always something new an exciting happening. Chicago is one of the biggest cities in the world. People come from all over the world as a tourist and enjoy it. But one thing I really don’t like, is that like Karachi, it’s so expensive making it difficult for people to afford. I lived there for ten years there and then moved to a small town.

The reason we chose the town was because we heard that the school district was very good. It was for the benefit of our daughters. When we first moved all I could see was corn fields, and I thought where in the world are we? I am a city girl and I can’t live here, but there was no option of moving back. The day we moved one of our neighbors came to our door and gave us a very warm welcome. It felt really good. Later on we found out that he was a pastor and I became good friends with his wife. She was the one who found a mosque (Muslim church) for me. My girls are about to graduate from high school and not a single year have I thought that I made the wrong choice. We were the first Muslim family to move to this town. At the beginning it was an adjustable time for us and for town people. Many of them had never met or seen people from Pakistan before. Slowly but surely, my girls and I started making friends. I could see how kind and generous these people were. The lifestyle was very laid back and relaxed. There has never been a traffic issue. From the health prospective, the air is very clean and we hardly ever get sick.

Whenever I returned to Chicago, the lifestyle and attitudes bothered me. I started liking my small town home. I made lots of friends and I can truly say that they are my life long friends. After living many years in my town, I feel like I have become part of the community. I was born in a big city. Then lived ten years of my life in Chicago and I am proud to say is that through it all I found a home in a small town.

Journey of life

Last Sunday my eldest daughter moved to LA for college. A week before I took her to the airport, I started feeling like this was it. It’s time for me to let her fly and trust that she will make the right decisions for her.

It has been a very bittersweet time. Different parents have told me different things about how they felt after their kids moved away. I didn’t know what to expect. When I had to say goodbye to her there were tears running down my cheeks. Yet I accepted that I had to let her go, I felt like she was ready. The feelings I had were very calm, happy, and proud. I am proud to say that I raised her and she is a very good girl. She is at the place she needs to be. Of course I miss her but that’s natural.

Driving back home from the airport was difficult and weird. The whole time I was thinking about her. My youngest daughter was with me. When we walked into the house I thought I might break down. But I didn’t, instead I sat down in her room looked around, and cherished all the beautiful memories we have.

I am relatively good at adapting to new situations. So the next day when I got up I realized that this isn’t just a new situation for her but for me too. This is a new chapter of our lives. She is in a new place and is going to have all new experiences. Therefore I should do the same thing.

Every step we go though in life teaches us more about ourselves and more about life. We should try to accept life as it comes and go with the flow. This way life doesn’t seem so hard and complicated. As parents we should grow with our children. We need to guide our children, give them the security that we are there no matter what. Then when the time comes they determine their own course in life, but we will still always be there for them.

Everyone have something to deal

I have never written anything about this topic before. Perhaps it’s because I never thought about it or maybe I didn’t know that this could be an issue with me. Growing up I didn’t have a father or brother but five sisters. My mother was a stay at home mom. I watched her cook, clean and take care of us while running a household. One of my mom’s brothers helped us financially so mom didn’t have to work and back then it was common for women to stay home and take care of the kids and house as the men made the money.

Growing up my focus was getting good grades, learning how to cook, clean, wash clothes by hand, sew, and take care of my family’s needs. For example I needed to be very supportive of my baby sister because I was older than her. By the time I finished high school I was masterful in all of those things. In the cultural perspective once you get married your husband will take care of you. Which means even if you have a college degree you aren’t required to work outside the house. That’s his job and yours is to take care of him, his families needs and the kids.

When I got married, my mother-in-law was also a stay at home woman. Her husband and mine both worked. This was my first time living with male who was working and taking care of their families. It was new and different for me. Now looking back I don’t know if I was enjoying it or not because that’s what I had learned. But I remember getting bored a lot. In the United States it was and is common for women to work. After five months of moving to America, I asked my ex-husband if after he goes to work I could get a job. Since he was gone all the time I would get bored, I don’t know anyone besides your family, and I don’t have any friends. I am thinking about working at Burger King, which was walking distance because I didn’t have a driver’s license. He said, “Sure, if that is what you want to do I can take you there tomorrow so you can fill out the application. At that time my English was weak and I wanted to improve it. I worked in the kitchen. That was my first job in the United States. I was very happy and worked there for almost two years. When I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I quit working and became a stay home mom for many years. I was one of the lucky moms who could stay home with their kids and raise them without getting worried about work.

But you never know when things can change. When my daughters were 7 and 8 years old I got divorced. It was very hard but not foreign to me. I had learned how to live with this kind of situation from my mother. Right away I started taking care of the house and the girls. I had always wanted to have a college degree so I went back to school and got my Bachelor’s degree. While I was in school I started applying for a job but there was a part of me that was very nervous. The culture I was born in taught me that my focus should be only on children. It was a struggle. When I saw other women working in big companies and having professional careers I envied them and wanted to be just like them but I didn’t know how to.

If I have fifty people at my house I can take care of all of them easily and manage to cook for them and have a lively time. But if I had a company to run of fifty people I wouldn’t be able to do it. I always thought that other women have those skills, not me. Yet I still always wanted to do it, I struggled for many reasons. One being that I am a homebody, I love being around my family and in my home. In addition I didn’t have any personal models that had done it before.

I remembered when I was in college my counselors asked me where I saw myself in five years. I could never answer that question, I didn’t even know what they were trying to say. I wonder how many women can answer that question. I have been working for the last five years but every time I see a higher level job, I don’t dare apply because I think that I can’t do it or that it isn’t meant for me. This is the area of my life not many people know about it. I believe that just like we teach our kids how to go to school, get good grades and keep their rooms clean this is another area girls should know about when growing up.

There was a time when women didn’t have to work. Times have changed and it’s not just about making minimum wage for the rest of your life, it’s about going beyond your limits and believing that you are capable of doing anything. Don’t take me wrong. I love my job. I am working in a school as a teacher’s assistant. For many years I didn’t believe I could make money like a man and raise my girls because the mentality I grew up with was different. But now looking back I wasted time for not believing that I could do more than just clean and cook.

I am sure that as humans we all have something that holds us back, it doesn’t matter who you are. It could be related to a childhood trauma, culture, religion, family beliefs or something else. You may have been struggling with something but aren’t able to point it out. You feel embarrassed to talk about it or you may be in denial. It doesn’t matter what the case it, it is there and will be there until you deal with it. The sooner the better, because then we can look to make our futures bright.

Reality of the Single parent’s

Eight years ago I became a single mother of two daughters. When I was going through my divorce, of course I had no idea what I was getting into. I had many unknown fears. But at that time, without knowing much about the single parent reality, I thought since I am living in the USA and the law gives more support to women, we would be okay at least financially. But still being a single parent is a lot more than just financial support. In many cases the mother gets child custody and the father gets visitation rights. Everyone knows it’s not hidden, men make more than women. But a woman is the one left with the kids to raise all by herself. When divorce happens normally, not in every case, the father leaves the house and now the mother is responsible for taking care of the house, kids and herself. There are handful of fathers out there who will support their ex-wives and kids happily, the majority does not.

In my case I decided to go to school, becoming a student and a single parent at the same time. Unfortunately due to the US economy, I had to start supporting my girls and myself at the same time. Raising a child is the hardest job on this planet. Don’t take me wrong, I love my girls more than anyone, they are the best thing that happened to me. But raising a good child isn’t just about feeding or providing a shelter. It’s whole lot more.

I am my girls’ mother, maid, driver, friend, counselor, adviser, supporter, cook, and whole lot more. I believe as a mother, we aren’t just raising one human being, I still remember when I was in high school my principal, whenever she had free time, would come to our classroom and instead of teaching from the text book she would simply talk to us about life. When I got married I tried my best, now my girls are 18 and 19. I can see their foundation is pretty strong. My kids are our next generation, we mothers have a big job and our kids’ futures are in our hands.

I had many days where I felt overwhelmed, frustrated, trapped and very tired. But good mothers don’t quit. Here and there when I reach that point I take a break and then the next day I get up and start walking again. My girls aren’t and never will be a burden to me. But it’s a huge responsibility.

Looking back

It was November 8^th and I hadn’t planned on asking the question I was about to. The girls and I were sitting in the living room and just talking to each other. But they both knew that something was wrong with me. I tried hard not to show my emotions but the tears wouldn’t stop coming even when I tried to laugh.

My youngest daughter and I were sitting on the same sofa and my oldest daughter was sitting across from us. I looked at both of them and I tried really hard not to cry but it was impossible. I stated saying, “It might be better if girls started living with your father”. Right away their faces changed. I can still see the pain on their faces. They both couldn’t say anything but they started crying too. I felt horrible because I had given this pain to them.

Somehow I knew I was born to be a mother. When my first daughter was born, it was the happiest day of my life. If I could, I would have gone to the top of the world and screamed at the top of my lungs. Both of the girls are everything to me. We are like a team; I am their mother, friend, adviser and a lot more. I couldn’t imagine hurting them in anyway. My ex-husband knew how important they are for me and that’s why there wasn’t a question during my divorce concerning who they were going to live with. Due to the recession I tried my best to spend as little money as possible and not to worry about moving and stuff. But I was running out of savings, and the money I was making wasn’t enough to pay all the bills. He was having a really hard time giving me child support as well.

The day before I spoke with my daughters, I sat down and starting thinking and counting how much money I had and how we could survive with this little amount. I didn’t have an answer. There was no way I could pay all of the bills and feed the girls. That is why I came up with the solution to sell the house, the girls could move in with their father so they wouldn’t have to go through this difficult time with me and I would move into an apartment with a roommate. My oldest daughter who was 13 years old at the time, tried very hard not to show her pain to me. She looked at me and said, “No”. I asked her what she meant by that. She knew how hard it was for me to pay the bills and take care of everything. She said, “I don’t want to move with dad. I want to live with you, Mom”, she was crying the whole time. I told her I understood but I am sorry I can’t provide for you anymore. Then she said, “I don’t care. We will go through this time together”. Right away something changed inside of me. I believe it was her words gave me life. I got up and gave her a hug and kissed her and said, “I am so sorry for this pain”. Then I looked at my youngest daughter fearful eyes. She was crying and didn’t know what to say except that she didn’t want to live with her dad, “Mom, I want to live with you too”. I felt the sharp pain in her voice. I give a hug and a kiss to her and apologized to her. She felt better. They already knew but once again I talked to both of them about our financial problem and told them it’s going to be really hard but if we all three support each other, I thought somehow we could make it. Our goal is to survive. They understood.

Two month have gone buy and somehow we did manage to pay all the bills. We are still in the same house and living together. Money is still an issue, but in this process I learned how to face my fears. When I talked to them I myself was frightened, what if they will say “yes” then what am I going to do? Even though my decision was not rational, I know their dad loves both of them very much. I think the girls took it as a punishment or maybe fear of being away from their mother and that scared them. And that was not my intention at all. I hope I will never ever have this kind of conversation with my girls again. They are my blessing and how in the world can I let my blessings go.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I am Zainab

Recently someone sent me a video of a Saudi woman who fought for her right, which was to drive like any other man in Saudi Arab. There's no actual law against women driving in Saudi Arab, but it's forbidden. Since Saudi is a male dominated country she had to face many challenges but she didn’t quit or give up, she fought for her right and she won! It’s a beautiful, strong woman story, here is the link Manal al-Sharif: A Saudi woman who dared to drive.

The person who sent the link to me also wrote this about me “I watched this video and thought of you, as she is strong, like you”. I appreciate this person for writing nice things about me. I guess others could see me more than I can see myself. Once I watched this video it made me stop and look back to my past. I hardly ever go back to my past or talk about my past. I got so busy after one thing after another and I didn’t realize I had been moving on and my focus had shifted to what’s the next thing I have to take care of. But this video made me look back into my past and see the road I had chosen to walk on, which was really long, rough, hard, uneven, bumpy, under construction, tired, painful, stressful, unknown and very scary. But today after taking a break after a long time and looking back into my past it’s hard to believe I have made it this far we survived.

The women coming from other countries to the states, especially from the Middle East, have been brought up entirely different. We have to fight and stand for our rights over and over and again almost every single day. Things don’t come easily to us. I see here, American woman are free to do whatever they like to do and however they like to live their lives. But in other parts of the world, women’s lives aren’t like that.

I never wanted to get married but instead to finish my education and have a carrier. But that was my unrealistic dream. The culture I grew up in is as soon as girls turned 16 it’s time to get married. At least that was how it was at my home. I didn’t have a father or brother to count on. And having 5 sisters was a burden on our mothers. Our financial situation was really bad; our uncles supported all of us until we got married. Deep down I knew any day my marriage proposal would be coming and I would also get married just like my older sisters whether I wanted to or not.

After I got married and moved to the States, life seemed normal. And I honestly thought this was how the rest of my life would be. My title would be wife and a mother. I completely lost my identity and became what a good Pakistani woman is supposed to do. Her family comes first and then herself, which means her turn never comes; I happily accepted my new life and started living. After thirteen years of marriage, my ex-husband surprised me with the news; he wanted a divorce. First, I went into complete denial, thinking this couldn’t be happening to me. I did everything my culture and my mother taught me to do. But again life isn’t fair. Whether I was ready or not I got divorced. At that time my girls were 6 and 8 years old. I felt very alone, scared, lost, hopeless and helpless. And my life seemed like a huge burden to me.

I had a choice, I could have moved back to Pakistan with my mother or stay in the states with an unknown life. Moving back home didn’t seem right to me, I had seen my mother’s struggles as a woman and a widow. And if I also went home, how would my and my girls’ life be like. I saw two roads in front of me, one was towards Pakistan which seemed easy because I was familiar with the language and the culture. But taking that road told me there would no future for me or for my girls. And we would struggle a lot. Another road was to stay here in the States, which was a completely strange county to me from language to everything. But I felt hope even thought this road was the hard road to choose at that time. I wanted to be near my family and I was all alone in this painful time with my girls.

I was a stay at home wife so I didn’t know anything outside of my house door. And now here I am responsible for everything. My English language was another challenge I had to face. But I took it each day at a time or some days, hour by hour. I didn’t have any friends I could count on. I didn’t know where to start. I was depressed and was responsible for two little girls. How do I make payments to the utilities companies? If I call them what would I say, I didn’t know how to talk in English. But I started trusting myself and believed if any other American woman can do it, why can’t I.

I missed my family deeply that time. When we talked on the phone I lied to them and said we are doing just fine. I couldn’t share my pain with my mother. She was heartbroken when she heard the news about my divorced. I couldn’t give her any more pain. Living alone with two little girls was very scary. During the daytime was okay but as soon as night hit, I hated it and couldn’t wait until the morning. There were many countless nights I was up all night just checking on my girls making sure they were there asleep.

Another challenged I dealt with was our society; it doesn’t give the same respect to divorced women as married women. People had accused me of having affairs with their husbands. One time one man stopped me and said “I saw you in my dream”. I couldn’t believe it. Society looked at divorced women like 2^nd class citizens. As if they could treat divorced woman however they would like to.

I always wanted to finish my education but here I had to improve my English language according to survive. One day after my girls went to school I went to the community college and got all the information in my broken English and before I know it I started taking classes. At first it was strange, from the culture I was coming from you don’t go back to college after you have kids. I had to start from the beginning, but I didn’t care. Slowly my girls and I started doing homework together. My girls really supported me and understood how important education was for their mother. In 2011, I graduated with a four years college degree from the university. I am the first person in my family who got an American education.

Another major challenge I dealt with was the work world. Growing up at my mother’s home I didn’t see anyone working. What I saw was, it was the men’s job to work and women’s place is at home. But something happened after I got married, I didn’t work because my ex-husband was working and I was taking care of the kids and his needs. And now I didn’t have a choice but I didn’t know where to start. I never had a resume or knew what to write in my resume. I struggled a lot but I didn’t quit, I kept asking people about the job and one day I got hired.

I kept putting one foot in front of the other and kept moving on. I didn’t look back and I also didn’t want to. I tell myself, whatever happened is in the past and nobody can change the past, all I have is today. I sacrificed, struggled a lot but I always felt rich every time I looked at my girls. I truly believe because of them I survived. They helped me unconditionally even when they didn’t know why their mother was crying or why there was no money to pay the bills. They always supported me. Today I am proud to say we my girls and I survived and came out stronger. My girls finished high school with honor and pride. They both have dreams to go for the higher education and I wish them all the best.

Today while I am writing this I wonder what if I had chosen to go back to Pakistan; I wonder how my and my girl’s lives would be. For sure it would not be the same. I choice my own path based on as much knowledge I had at that time. I broke the culture circle where after you’re divorced or if you become a widow you go back to your mother’s house. I choice a different path than my own mother and raised both of my girls alone, got a college degree, working fulltime and living my life happily with my girls in the States.