What about happiness?

Yesterday was my oldest daughter’s Iman’s last day of her four years of college classes. No words can describe how happy and proud I am at Iman. As a mom,  I am extra proud because she finished her college in four years and she is the first child in the family graduating from  University of California Los-Angeles (UCLA).

Iman moved to UCLA for years ago. Iman and I talk on the phone, text or Facetime with each other pretty much every single day. We share our daily routine and are involved just like if she were still living home. But three or four months ago, I noticed that Iman seemed stressed and worried. When I asked her, at first she didn’t want to tell me and was making excuses. But later she broke down and said to me, “I don’t understand why every single person I talk to are all asking me, “what are you doing to do after graduation? Where are you going work”? She cried and was feeling   overwhelmed. I feel really sad and bad for her. I talked to her and helped her as much as I could. A month  ago, the same thing happened. But this time since Iman was so close to being done she had no motivation at all about school. But at the same time people were asking her about the next step of her life. If you have been to college or if you know someone who has, it’s very normal right before the semester is over or right before graduation that you are done. You have no motivation at all. I completely understood Iman. Each day you literally have to drag yourself.

Since Iman is my oldest daughter, anything she goes through is  my first experience, too. I realized that what people (mostly Americans) are  asking her and what Iman is going through is part of American culture. I never thought of it before. As soon as you finish college, right away you start working and not just working find a higher-paying job because competition is tough and the higher paying job you get is better for you, and that’s become your identity.

  Since I was born in Karachi. I could clearly see how differently  both cultures look at the same thing. I talked to Iman and said to her, “Take a break and look how far you have come. Most of the kids’ graduation is five years. You didn’t quit or dropped classes.You worked hard and soon you will be holding a diploma in your hands, and that college digreee NOBODY I mean NOBODY can take it from you. Also now you are one of the educated woman in this world. Do you have any idea how powerful power you have now”? Iman was crying the whole time while she was listening to me, but  before we hung up she said, “Thank you, Mom I am feeling much better now”. I didn’t say anything about job or money because I know my Iman; she is already applying, and right right I wanted Iman to enjoy this huge milestone of her life.

A few days later when Iman and I Facetimed, right away when I saw her face I could tell something was different about it, and she seemed happy. Before I even asked her she said to me, “Mom I have decided I want to be happy first and then a job and everything else”. I got teary eyes with the joy and said to Iman,”‘You are only 21 years old and you learned the most important thing in life is being happy”. Also  “ I am so proud of you”. She also said “I am looking for a job but I have faith I will find it”. I tod Iman, “I have no doubt that you will find it but right now enjoy your graduation”. .

From the Pakistani culture, perspective one thing at a time. The college graduation is a beautiful time of a child’s life. Of course work is important too, but don’t forgot to celebrate and from and then you have rest of your life to work. I never thought of it before, how differently both cultures look at the college graduation and how much pressure our kids here in  America feel about a job and making money. Very sad.

Personally I don’t like the idea  how much our kids feel pressure from the culture. They are only in their 20; how would they know what they want to do in the future.  I know for sure I didn’t know and I still don’t know. Life's a journey now a destination. Let’s be sensitive and careful when we ask college kids about their future. Let’s not put any kind  of pressure on them and but to show care and love and let them know it’s OK if you don’t have a job lined up before you graduate. Let’s celebrate you and your many years of hard work. There shouldn't be any kind of competition, and I hope our kids learn  the whole point of going to college is NOT getting a higher-paying job and that job should not be your identity. You yourself are a whole lot more than that. Being happy is the most important thing in life. After graduation their life goal  shouldn’t be finding a higher paying job where you might be making lots of money but miserable.

Don’t take me wrong and I know many of you students and the parents are thinking, “What about the college loan”?  I get that. Iman has a loan, too. All I am saying is don’t forget your child's well wishes, health, mental healthy and show love and care first. They have the rest of their life to pay back their  loan and work. But this time is very important and special. If we miss it we can’t bring it back. Be Happy!  

People care

This happened few weeks ago: I was on my way to Chicago to visit my daughter. I normally take Amtrak, which is very convenient. it wasn’t mine first time taking a train. A  train is almost always full. The passengers normally mind their own business and focus on their trip.

 The Amtrak person announced that a train should be here in 10 minutes or so. All the passengers got up and made a line and were waiting for the  train to arrive. I was pretty much all the way back. When I started putting my coat on, that’s when I noticed the guy front of me was looking at the right side and was pointing to the direction.

When I looked at his face, he looked really worried. And then suddenly everyone was looking at the same direction. The whole thing happened so quickly. The guy who was pointing to the right ran that way. I looked up to see what was going on. I saw a woman was sitting in the chair she had her purse on her lap. That made me think she was also a passenger. Her whole body was shaking and was about to fall. The guy who was front of me ran toward her as fast as he could before she would fall down. He helped her to lie down on the floor and turned her on her side. Then he started helping and talking to her as much as he could. Right away we all knew that she was having a seizure. Her eyes were kind of closed and she was out of it. Many people gathered around her. But sadly I would say the room was full of at least around 100 people. There was no a single doctor or a medical student. Right away the Amtrak guy called 911. I couldn’t think of  anything else but to be by her and help her. I also ran toward her and put my hands on her. I noticed she was trying to breath but was struggling. The entire room could hear how hard she was trying to get each breath. It was pretty scary. I wiped her mouth because she was bleeding. I tried to help her as much as I could.

Meanwhile the train arrived, and people started leaving. I didn't want to leave her like that, but I knew paramedics were on their way. I was almost the last person to leave, and the guy who jumped to help her first was still with her. I wondered if he missed his train or not.  

I was feeling guilty when I was leaving but I knew there was nothing else I could do more than what I already had done. When I was leaving that’s when I realized I didn’t have my purse or my bag around  me. It was far away from me. And nobody steal anything or moved my things. While I was sitting in the train, I couldn't stop thinking about her. And was hoping she got  help on time and was OK. Also the guy who helped her what an angel. I don’t even know his name. But he was a such a nice guy. And the interesting thing was that  it doesn’t matter--- I look at people as people, not based on the skin color. But she was a black woman, and the guy was a white man. What a beautiful human being.

It is so nice to see when people put skin color on the side and treat each other as they would want to be treated --- with care and respect. When I came back to Champaign, I stopped at the Amtrak station and asked the lady who was working there at that time but she didn’t know anything about her what happened. I hope and pray she is safe and sound.  

Happy love day

Valentine's Day is around the corner. The stores are full of Valentine’s products.  Many couples are excited and can’t wait to celebrate the day with their lovers. Lots of people are planing  to get engaged, and some get married this day. The excitement and the love is in the air. I wonder how many of us and especially the new generation know why we celebrate Valentine's Day. Here is the link  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine%27s_Day

To my observation many people think Valentine's Day is about getting box of chocolate, roses, heart shaped cards, kisses and looking pretty. No. Those are all martial things. It’s more than that. It’s about your feelings for one another and sharing love. And it’s not limited to only couples. Love is for everyone. It’s also about friendship and care.

Sadly to say, Valentine’s Day is not a happy and loving day for many people. It’s a biggest breakup day of the year after New Year’s Day. Here is where you can read more about it. http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/breakups-spike-valentine-day-article-1.1265183  How sad is that? But that’s life. To me we shouldn't focus on one day of the year to celebrate love day. It should be everyday. It doesn't mean spending money or making a big deal about it. We should let each others  know how much they mean to us and respect, love and care for them every single day. It’s the feelings we provide for each other that stays with us forever, not the box of chocolate, flowers or pretty places.    

I am not into material things and I truly treasure people around me. Each of you individuals are very important to me. I feel pretty blessed and lucky to have all of you beautiful people around me and part of my life. And you know who you are. I am trying to live my life as if  there is no tomorrow so what I have is only today. I may not get an another chance to say I love you all and happy love day.  

Happy 2016!

Whether we are ready or not, 2015 is about to leave us, and 2016 are looking forward to enter. As many of you know, every year I like to do my whole year inventory and see what I have achieved and what am I looking forward to in the new year. My 2015 year was a good year, and I am proud to say I did achieve pretty much all of mine realistic goals. The top goals I achieved were I get my black belt, I lived in the power of now and enjoyed each day with a positive attitude. For the last couple of years, I had a dream to publish a book, and finally in 2015 I published my first book. In 2015 my other goal was to go to my daughter’s university to visit her. This is her last year, and I so wanted to go this year. The whole year went by, and for many reasons I couldn't go to UCLA. I’m not happy about it, but there is nothing I can do to change it. So I had to let it go.

It seemed like we just started 2015, and here I am writing about 2015 being about to end. It went pretty quickly and made all of us a year older. I am looking forward to 2016 with more realistic goals and hoping for an even  better year for all of us. I know not everyone had a good year. Many bad things happened, not just locally but also nationwide. It was, is and always will be very sad, and my heart goes out to those victims and to their friends and families. Unfortunately life goes on, and slowly but surely we learn how to start living without our loved once. But they will always be into our hearts. And we will miss them dearly.

I hope and I am praying 2016 will be a much better year for all of us. And if for whatever reason you couldn’t achieve your 2015 goals--- whether they were a  healthy lifestyle, exercise, starting own business or starting or finishing school --- whatever was your goal, please don’t be discouraged. We can’t go back and change anything, but what we have is today and hopefully tomorrow. So start where you left off and start walking again. We aren’t competing with anyone but with our own self. The key to achieve any goal is to believe in yourself and have a positive attitude.  

I wish you all a very Happy New Year!

My Hajj

My Ammie was a Muslim woman. And she practiced it every single day until she died. But there was one pillar of Islam called Hajj, which is the last pillar of Islam. She always wanted to do that. That was her wish before she died. Here is where you can learn about what Hajj is;  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hajj. Growing up I knew that was her last wish but due to her social, economic and religions requirements, she couldn’t go to  Saudi Arabia to do her Hajj. Many Muslim women and men--- young and old--- who have gone to Hajj before say when they went they felt a very strong connection toward the religion and felt it was their calling and nothing could stop them.

For some reason I have not felt that connection or calling to go to Hajj, but three years ago, after 7 years of not visiting family in Karachi, I was planning on visiting my Ammie with my girls, but something inside of me told me that instead of us going to Karachi I should send Ammie to Hajj. When I talked to her about it, of course she got pretty excited and happy. But for religious reason Ammie couldn’t go all by herself or with me. Due to the religious requirements women have to be with a male figure whom she can’t  marry. I happen to have a cousin who was living in Saudi Arabia. I called him, and he and I were planning Ammie’s hajj a while; she had a massive stroke, and of course she left this world without going to Hajj.

When I find out about Ammi’s stroke I couldn’t stop myself from being with her. I left the USA as soon as I could so I could be with her. Shortly after that, she started recovering  a little bit, and at some point I had to come back to the states. Before I left I didn’t have much hope for her long life, and like it or not I had to be honest with myself and I said goodbye to Ammie  forever and came back.

I didn’t have any plans to return after this trip. I dreamed about getting a call from my family and finding out she passed away. But that didn’t happen. Ammie started having small strokes, and her health started going down in no time. In June 2014 she went in vegetative coma. I had no plan at all for going back to Karachi but once I heard that, I couldn’t stop myself from being with her. It was like she was calling me, and I couldn't wait to leave everything here and just go. And that’s exactly what I did. I didn’t care about anything else, but she was calling me. And I had to go. The peace I received being with her is  indescribable. I saw  my Ammie was in a coma and pain was in pain, but I tried my best to provide comfort as much as possible for her. I feel pretty lucky and blessed she died right in front of my sisters, nieces and me. And my heart tells me that, that was my Hajj.

Before I started writing this column I’m fully aware many people might not agree with me or they might get upset, but my request for those people is please read my entire column and try to understand from my side but if you can’t that’s completely OK with me, and I will respect that. Personally I try to avoid  writing about anything related to religion because to me religion is personal, and everyone is entitled to have their own opinion. And I don’t like to create any negative issue related to religion. I love everyone regardless of their beliefs.

Are we good listeners?

Recently I met someone for the very first time, and right away she made me feel welcome and comfortable. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that she is one of those people who knows the real meaning of listening. We all have experienced that many say they are listening but we can tell they aren’t really listening. They already have figured out what you are saying or what you should or shouldn't do they can’t wait for you to finish your sentence so then they can reply to you. And there are many  people who likes to finish your sentences because they have already know what you are going to say.  

According to Eckhart Tolle “When listening to another person, don't just listen with your mind, listen with your whole body. Feel the energy field of your inner body as you listen.That takes attention away from thinking and creates a still space that enables you to truly listen without the mind interfering. You are giving the other person space - space to be. It is the most precious gift you can give. Most people don't know how to listen because the major part of listening is taken up by thinking.” I agree with him, and he is so right. Why can’t we just listen without thinking? When I met this person I could feel she was truly was listening to me without thinking. And she gave me space to be. When I left meeting with her I was feeling pretty positive, energetic, calm, in control and focused. The power of listening can be that powerful.

And it goes both way. Don’t just expect when we are talking the other person should listen to us fully. We listeners should do the same thing when it is our turn to listen. And when we show someone we are listening to them, it shows we care and respect them enough where they have our  full attention. Because they are important to us. And like Eckhart Tolle said, “It is the most precious gift you can give”. Simple listening to someone is the precious gift we can give to another person. We all like to talk and especially women. Many times we just want someone to listen but not to solve any issue or give advice. It’s such a simple thing to do, but sadly, most people don’t know how to do it.

I’m around many  people who are very good listeners and I’m fully aware what listening means,  and I believe that’s why when I met this beautiful lady who is also a very good listener I noticed in her. Without going into detail, why are we always thinking? Why can’t we just be and be present fully and enjoy the other person and the give other person the respect they deserve?        

I also have experienced that other people won’t let you talk, and the entire conversation is about them or  things you aren’t interested in at all. And when I’m leaving from there I feel tired, exhausted, disrespectful and have no desire of meeting again. Another thing that bothers me a-lot is when you are talking to other person he or she is doing four other things at the same time. And you try to get their attention on you, but the  other person doesn’t  get it and tries really hard to convince you that, “believe me, I’m listening to you”. It’s not very nice and disrespectful.

Listening is such a simple and a precious gift we can give to each other. I hope the next time when someone  is talking to us we try to give that person our full attention without thinking, and if you are already a good listening and give full attention without thinking or distraction you should be proud of yourself. People like you make us believe there are really good people out there who truly care and listen with there your whole body.

Was that my Ammie?

Sunday, November 1, around 6:30 a:m, I started driving toward Urbana to my Taek-won-do class, which start at 7:00 a:m. A day before, I was on the radio talked about my recently published book. It was a great experience and I wanted to share with my love ones. The interviewer gave me her USB drive so I could save it for myself.

As soon as I sat down in my car, I remembered her USB drive was in my purse, and I haven’t heard it. So I plugged it into my car and started driving and looked around. It was a beautiful morning. Sun was out, and it was a perfect temperature. I was feeling pretty rested and happy. The very first thing I heard was this song called “Im so proud of you” by Knight in White. I have never heard that song before. I started getting chills and then I noticed while I was driving slowly something was moving above my car and got my attention. It was really low clouds near by my car. The next thing I noticed the sun was gone. The entire area was covered with clouds and fog. And I found myself crying while hearing, “Im so proud of you”. while driving and the only person came into my mind was my Ammie (mother).

My Ammie passed away June 14, 2014. Growing up I was pretty religious, but later on I lost my strong bonding with my religion and become more spiritual than religious. I know many religious people have faith that once our family members/loved ones passed they are still around us and always watching over us. I lost all of that faith. Since my mother passed away, of course, there is not a day that goes by  I don’t think about her or miss her, but this unexpected experience made me wonder, was it her? Was she telling me how much she is proud of me and she is around me? I don’t know. But my heart is saying yes, it was her, and she is around and proud of her.

Many people around me told me their spiritual experience, and of course I respect that and don’t judge them based on how I feel about that. But one thing is for sure; until you experience your own, there is no way we can understand what others must experience. It has been 1 ½ years since Ammie left, and this was my very first spiritual experience. I felt her presence all around me, and it was pure, calming, beautiful and indescribable experience. Ammie, I hope you are proud of me, and I miss you every single day.