Take your power back

I have been thinking about this issue for the longest time and was also working on myself. As a young adult, of course I didn't understand, but as I started getting older and went through many different life experiences now I understand, pretty clearly how powerful we women are, but unfortunately many of us don’t even know and we give our own power to other person, and many of them abuse it and treat us how even they want to treat us. My beautiful readers, I am sure you got the idea I am talking about women’s power and their relationships with their significant others.

When I got married to my ex-husband, I was pretty young and didn’t even know my own self. It took me a while to find out who I am and what makes me happy and what I want. I have countless women around me who are miserable in their relationships because first of all they aren’t happy with themselves. They complain about him and are hopeful for a better future, but here is my observation: Of course the other person takes some responsibility, too, but right now my focus is only on women.

In the beginning of the relationship we women not all, but most of us don’t take our time, which means we rush into the things, get super excited, already thinking about the future and WE, NOT HIM, make ourselves believe he is the one for us. The one reason is most of us women are pretty emotional. We all know men think differently  than us even after knowing we still believe he is thinking like the way we think. We fool our own selves. It’s so important for us women to know that what we want. And if we aren’t happy with our own selves, then how can we make happy another person happy? We all wish for a healthy, happy and loving relationship, right? I love this quote, “The best project you’ll even work on is you”.

It’s extremely important for us women to find out ourselves first and also enjoy own company first and be comfortable being alone. We women are capable of taking care of countless things. And we feel pretty proud and confident. But then why are many of us women failing in the relationships? I think first of all we need to learn to be with ourselves first and not to worry about what others will think. It’s our life, and only we are responsible for our decisions. I know  many women around me are desperate for a man’s attraction. And I am sorry to say those ladies for sure get attention but not positive and also for a short time. Another issue I’m seeing is that the older women are getting they are afraid that they might not meet anyone, so some of them are willing to settle down with whoever and soon they realized it doesn't work like that.

And when we meet someone and we really like this person it’s great and all that, but we should still take time, keep it slow, getting to know each other pretty clearly, his likes and dislikes and also don’t drop everything for him. Finding a balance in life is the key for success. And having balance makes us in control, too. To my observation men like strong, powerful, balanced and understanding women. Here I’m not talking about young kids but adults relationships. And also remember if we are looking for a full package, so does he. Instead of focus on him, focus on oneself and see, do I have all doesn’t qualities, and please be honest with yourself.

If you ask any mature men, they all will say the samething. We women make rules and we are in control and in power. Do we all feel that? When I first started to meet men I was still in the  process of finding my own happiness. And of course I gave my own power to them and later I felt miserable but later when I fully I understand I feel pretty comfortable and in control. I know many women around me who are divorced with kids and are looking for a healthy and happy relationship, but sad to say they don’t want to work on themselves but kept blaming men. And later cry and beat themselves up for giving their power to the other person.

It’s never too late to learn about anything as long as we are willing to make changes and take own own control back. No body I mean nobody can make us feel bad or small about ourselves unless we give that permission to that person. From day one, if you see or feel something, don’t let it go because most of the time it gets worse. And many times it’s not too late, but need the extra work or energy required to make change. As a mother of two daughters, it’s my job to teach my girls how important and powerful they are. And don’t let any man treat them however they want but with respect, love and care.

Dear readers, especially women, I hope you get my point you are in power as and where you are. And that’s how we were born. Don’t give it to anyone, and don’t let anyone take it from you. Use it wisely and know you’re in control and responsible for your  own behavior and the choices you’re making it. Show confident and whatever you believe and say, mean it. Girl power!  

Never Say Never Ever

The long-distance relationship topic is something diffrent people feel differently about. Most people don’t believe it can work. And those people get questions when they find out someone is in a long distance relationship. I have many couples around me some met online, and some met through friends while they were visiting, then the other person has to go back to their own state or county. They felt chemistry toward each other or clicked and wanted to pursue a relationship. They kept their communication open and they met as much as possible, and before they knew it, they got married had kids and started living together here in the States.

According to the women's health magazine “We're one of the estimated 3.5 million married U.S. couples who live apart—a stat that reflects the rise of online dating (where it's easy to meet someone in a different area), an unreliable job market, and military deployments. And recently, Cornell University researchers confirmed my suspicion: Long-distance duos often communicate better and feel more connected than close-quarter couples. "They know they're at a disadvantage, so they put more time and effort into their relationship," says Tina Tessina, Ph.D. Here, tips that can help your partnership go the distance—even if you're never more than a few miles apart”. http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/long-distance-love. Honestly, I was in shock when I first read it. The number is pretty big. Long distance relationships are real and they do work out.

Here is the intersting story of my dear friend. My friend’s name is Zara. She was born in India and moved to the States as a bride when she was 20 years old. Today Zara is 45 years old. Zara’s ex-husband was also from India. At first everything was great; they have three kids together. But slowly he started losing interest in her. And 15 years later he asked for a divorce.  Zara was heartbroken and was forced to become a single parent. With time she started her life again, finished her education, got a really good currier and got involved with many other things she enjoy. She traveled all around the world. Zara become stronger then even. But one thing was for sure; she never ever wanted to meet or get married to another Indian man or ever moving back to India.The USA is her home.

After her children grew up, and she felt like it would be nice to have companionship  with the right person. four years ago, Zara decided to date. She met  many men from different nationalities. Many of them wanted to Marry Zara. She knew what she was look for, but unfortunately no one could touch her heart.  

She was getting frustrated but she wasn’t desperate at all. Zara has a lot going on, but the same time she wishes to share her life with a special person. All of her friends and family knew what kind of person/qualities Zara was looking for in the man.

This is what happened. Last year, one of her Indian friend name Neha told her about a man name Amir who she knew him personally; he is friends with her husband. And Neha lives in the States, and Neha and Zara have been friends forever. Neha  thought Amir would  be a perfect match for Zara, but as soon as  Neha told Zara about Amir, Zara said  no because he is from India, and he lives in India too. Nahe tried really had to convince her to give him a chance and then go from there. She said to her “why don’t you meet with him and then decide?” Also Neha told Zara “be open to it and you never know”. Naha  also told her not every Indian man was alike. Please give him a chance.

Last summer, Amir  was in the States visiting with his kids and was visiting Neha  and her family. Amir already knew about Zara from Neha and her husband. He was interested meeting her. Amir himself called Zara and asked her to meet. I don’t know what changed in her, but she agreed to meet with him but with the attitude “ it is just a meeting nothing else”  just because Amir was from India. He came to meet with her in her town. As soon as she saw him she couldn't believe how much attraction she felt  towards him not just physical, but also mental attraction. He liked her, too. And he asked her to meet again.  According to Zara, “It was magical”. The more Amir was telling Zara  about his life, the more Zara was getting attractive to him. According to Zara “ He is the one I have been waiting for”. He was honest and told her all about his divorce, past and his two kids. Amir  is a businessman and he told her the very first time they met, “ I was living away from India for last 10 years and now I moved back to India and am trying to establish my business again. He also made is very clear that whoever he is going to marry has to live in India with him for at least 5 years or more  because right now his business requires his time and full attention. Zara and Amir met a few more times, and then it was time for Amir to go  back to India. But they kept the communication open through technology.

It has been almost three months already, and they are both interested in each other and someday would like to marry, but before that there is a lot homework to do from both sides, but especially from  Zara’s side. A long time ago, Zara left India for good but now she met her dream boy, and he is from India and he can’t move to the States now but later, after five years. So Zara has to move to India. Can she go back after 25 years of living in the states independently? Will she be OK living away from her kids? There is a huge mentality cultural difference between both countries. Can Zara adopt that and live in India comfortably? Zara has to let go of her career and start all over again in India. She has a lot of things to figure out for herself. Amir, on the other hand, is also concerned will Zara be OK with this life-changing move.

Not too long ago I met Zara for lunch and I asked her,  “you never wanted to move back or get married to another Indian man. What changed?” She said, “Amir has all those qualities I always wanted in a man but we still have a long way to go and getting to know each other more”. They are both planning on meeting again soon and getting to each other on a daily basis. Zara also told me that, “It was my dream to meet someone like Amir and now since I met him I want to take a chance and don’t let any fears stop me. And if for some reason if it doesn’t work out,  it would be hard to accept, but with time I will. But at least I can always look back and say that I am one of those lucky woman you met her dream guy”. She added, “who would have thought he would be from India”? But now since I met him and this is the situation I am sure with time things will work out for both of us and for our kids. We are very open to each other and communicate about everything”.

After talking to Zara about Amir and knowing he is in an Indian and she is here in the States and they are having a long distance relationship, it made me trust more to  just follow your heart and you will find your way. A person like Zara who is very strong and independent, in a million years I will never ever thought she would be thinking about moving back to India for an Indian man. Amir must have something pretty special to have  conversed Zara to trust men again. I am very happy for her and wish both of them good luck.  

We all wish to have a happy and healthy relationship. We all know that there is no  perfect woman or man, so why do we focus on perfection and disappoint ourselves?  Instead of focusing on  the other person, we should focus on our own self and become the  of partner we wish to have. I believe both parties have to invest 100 percent according to have a healthy and a happy relationship. I wish we can all get back to “less is more” and instead of after fairytale concept to get real and share our love to someone special and also get love and respect back in return. Never say never ever. We never know when and how we will meet someone special and our life can change for good forever. Don’t be afraid of change. Yes, it can be scary or difficult, but often change or a difficult road leads to a  beautiful place.  

My Summer Break

This is my very first summer without my girls or going back to Karachi, Pakistan to visit my ill mother. It feels pretty strange not to take care of the family. I’m not sure I like this freedom, or am I missing responsibilities? I know one thing for sure; I am a people person. So I am differently missing human interaction on the daily basis. Plus I always have something or someone to take care of. So right now it’s a nice change and a challenge at the same time. I only have to take care of myself, which I’m learning now at this age.

I work in School, so during summer, school is off. Before summer break started, all the kids, parents and teachers were so excited and were looking forward  to a break. Many people made plans to travel, visiting families or work around the home. I don’t  have any of those plans. But I have to admit it has been almost a month since I am home on summer break and have  no plans it’s kind of nice.

Now slowly I am learning how to relax and I don’t always have to be on go. Now I call it, I am recharging my batteries, and it feels wonderful. I realized I had become one of those people who likes to be on schedule all the time. Which there is nothing wrong with, and when you have a lot to take care or if a lot going on, having a schedule helps.

Another thing I am dealing with or learning that is new to me is that my girls are older now and they don’t need me as much as they did before on a daily basis. They will always need their mother but now they can pretty much take care of everything without my help. I’m  really proud of them, but it’s a learning process for me. I am so used to it doing everything for them. I have to trust them and let them fly and trust them. Yes, they will make mistakes, but it’s part of being human, and this is the only way they will learn about life. And both of them know their mother will always be there for them.

Since I am home I also noticed I have time to do the things I have been waiting for such as working in the garden, meeting friends or publishing a book. I have been working on a book for the last two years and finally I’m almost done and I am proud to say my first book is published.

When we take a break that’s when we realize how busy we were and we enjoy break not being on the schedule but relaxing. As an adult we have lots of responsibilities and as a good citizen we try our best, but I feel like we forgot our own self and we focused on the destination instead of the journey. Why do we only enjoy summer time? Three month out of the 12 months. Why don’t we enjoy the other 9 months, too? Different people have different jobs and different responsibilities. There’s no arguing on that. But no matter what kind of life we have we should enjoy each day and instead of waiting for a summer break or a vacation that  is in the future we should feel today because that’s all we have. Tomorrow may never come but we have today. Many people, including myself, plan ahead and worry for tomorrow but we forgot what about today.

Enjoyment doesn’t mean spending money or changing routine. Whatever we are doing and wherever we are, take a deep breath and feel the moment and make memories. Today will become yesterday, and nobody knows what will happen tomorrow but the beautiful today NOW is here.

Dreams do come true if you never give up

Since I was young, my journaling has been my best friend, counselor and therapy. My writing helps me to understand whatever the situation I’m in and helps me to see what’s happening and where can I go from there. It has been almost 26 years since I started writing. I still remember the day right before I moved to the states. One of my cousins gave me a journal and said to me, “ This is a going-away gift for you from me. Make sure before you move, write down everyone’s mailing address in this journal, so we can all write letters to each other”. And he wrote his own address into the journal and gave it to me. Right a away, I loved his gift. This was a time when technology wasn’t available as it’s now.

The very first story I wrote into that journal was my entire travel experience while I was on my way from Karachi to the Chicago. It has been almost 26 years, and still to this day when I open my journal it takes me back to that brand new unknown experience. This was the time I couldn’t speak or write English so I wrote in Urdu, the Pakistani native language.

One thing led to another, and I got busy with family and the kids. But I never stopped writing. If not every day, whenever I got the chance even for few sentences. I always felt better once I put my thoughts onto the paper. Later on while I was still keeping a  journal, I made my writing blog and started writing for newspaper columns and am still  writing those. But that didn’t satisfy me. I always admire people who write books. And I was envied them and wondered if one day I could also write a book.

My writing-a-book project started two years ago, without knowing how people publish. It wasn’t an easy task, but once you make your mind about anything, you can achieve it. I am a true believer you just do your part,  then the universe does the rest. One thing leads to another, and before you know it, your complete dream is right in front of you and smiling at you. I ’m proud to say yesterday July 16, I ordered my first copy. Here is my link to my book http://www.amazon.com/Life-Beautiful-Zainab-Susi/dp/1514635046/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1437934235&sr=1-1

I must thank  those people you believed in me and helped me to make my dream come true. I thank you from bottom of my heart. People like you make this world more beautiful.

As many of you know, this year I didn’t make New Year's resolutions but am making monthly resolutions. And my month of July resolution was to publish my book. And I did it.

My whole point in writing this article is whatever you dream was or is never ever too late to achieve. The only time we can’t achieve is when we give up. Whoever said it was so true that,  “winners never quit,” and quitters never win”. Be happy doing it and believe in yourself; you can do it.  

Where is my Genie?

We all know Genie isn’t real and it’s a made up creature who can make any of your wishes come true. Of course even as a child I never believed in Genie. But now as an adult I really wish a Genie were real and I could ask him to bring the rest of my family from Pakistan to the United States and that they all could all live with me peacefully and don’t have to struggle daily for basic human rights.

Right now I am feeling pretty sad and frustrated at the same time. Here in the Illinois, the temperature is pretty, hot but we get get rain and many ways to cool ourselves down. Pretty much anywhere we go there is air conditioning running. And we don’t have to worry about losing electrical power.

We have struggles here, too, but at least not for basic human needs. Even for homeless people there are many shelters available for the entire family, but that’s not the case in Karachi, where my family is.

Before I start writing what’s happening there, I also want to point  out  that this is a holy month of Ramadan. Ramadan is one of the pillars of Islam. This is the month you must fast from sunrise to sundown for the entire month. And the way is works you absolutely can’t eat or drink anything until the sundown. And since Ramadan came in the Summer this year, each day fast is almost 18 hours long. Can you imagine that. But Muslims who follows the religion  fast no matter what because that’s something you don’t have a choice but to do it. Here is a  link about Ramadan  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramadan_(calendar_month) Here in the States, Muslims are fasting,  too, but again there are many ways you can cool down and take it easy while you are fasting, but what choice do Karachi people have.

Here are  many reasons why I am frustrated. I had applied for my family immigration in 2004, and this is 2015. After 11 years, still so signs for them to come here. When I call U.S. Immigration, they tell me there is nothing you and I can go anymore. Your family files are in the national visa center. They are still working on 2003 files; when your sister’s turns come they will let you know. So just sit and wait. This could take three more years to eight more years or more.  Very very frustrating.

Now since this is month of Ramadan and Pakistan is a muslim country. The entire country is fasting. And each year Karachi’s temperature is getting higher and higher in the summer. Right now the average temperate of karachi is 105-113 degrees Fahrenheit. And Karachi is very dry they hardly even get good rain. And the humidity is also pretty high. It’s not a joke: Humidity high, no air conditioning running, no electric power to run fans or fridge. Yes you can have generators, but the way their generators work, you are limited to use. Plus they break down pretty quickly. When the temperature is 1113 above and you are fasting and top of that no electricity  for 10 hours a day, can you imagine how people must be feeling  there?

I pretty much FaceTime with my family on a daily base. And I see while they are sitting talking to me sweat running down their skin. They are feeling absolutely miserable. Here is one thing about hot temperature we humans have no control over. But when Karachi electric supply company turn electricity off for many hours while people are fasting, what do you say to them? I call it abuse, and sad to say the Pakistan government isn’t doing anything at all. I know since Pakistan isn’t a development country; we have to share electricity with others. But still don’t like it and they should come up with a different plan.  

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/sns-bc-as--pakistan-20150627-

story.html  

http://tribune.com.pk/story/909513/heatwave-volunteerism-these-images-will-restore-your-faith-in-karachi

It makes me so sad and frustrated not just for my family for everyone else. I feel guilty even though it’s not my fault but to see my family and others are absolutely miserable and struggling each day for their basic needs. And I truly wish if I could have a genie; I would ask him to bring everyone here and live comfortably.

What’s the Pakistani Government waiting for?

It’s absolutely horrible, painful, heartbreaking and frustrating to listen and watch what’s happening right now in Karachi. Temperatures are at an extreme high and there is a massive heat wave over the city, we don’t have control over mother nature but we can adapt to it. That’s why it’s ridiculous that for 8-10 hours at a time the electricity and power will be off for many homes in Karachi. It’s the month of Ramadan so many people are fasting as well. At the very least people should be able to be comfortable in their own homes. Why do KESC (Karachi electric supply corporation ) have load shedding during Ramadan? Why can’t they come up with an alternative? More than 800 people have already died from the heat-stroke. Don’t they have the hearts to feel pain at all for other humans. More than 800 families have already lost their loved ones and who knows how many more innocent lives are about to be lost.

My mind doesn't get it. Right now, as a Pakistani I am ashamed of my birth county. I know there are lots of wonderful organizations in Karachi doing a marvelous job! And I salute them! They are the real heroes! But their resources are limited. Why the Pakistani government isn’t doing anything is a question that needs to be answered. This is an emergency and there are no shelters provided by government

I wonder what the limit is for how many lives can be lost before something is done. Normal humans feel sympathy towards other humans, they try to help.  

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-33251100 

http://tribune.com.pk/story/908940/fast-can-be-broken-to-avoid-health-risks/

Mentally, physically and technically

When my girls and started living alone, at first it was pretty scary. I wanted my girls and I to feel comfortable living alone even thought that time they were only 7 and 8 years old. I  signed up for Taekwondo class so they could  learn self-defence and get exercise and also to keep them away from trouble. The tkd place was quite far from our home. When I took  them there, I always stayed there and watch them learning tkd. This class was for all ages. There was many time I thought, “ what am I doing bringing my girls here, waiting  and watching them;  why don’t I  join them”?

But there was something inside of me stopped me. Maybe it was my upbringing, Muslim religion or the culture I grew up in. There was this voice back of my mind telling me that, a  woman's job is to take care of her family and kitchen. I never minded taking care of my family or cooking but I also wanted to do the things what I wanted to do.  My girls’ tks instructor was also Muslim and was from Egypt, and he understood the religion and the culture part. One day I got the courage and I asked him if I could join.  Of Course he said ”yes”. Before I knew it, we three of us were learning tkd together, and it was so much fun for us.

I didn’t care about the belts, but to have confidence, exercise and doing something together with my girls. At some point my girls go busy with their school and after-school activities and they decided to quit tkd. I quite too. But I always missed it. Two years later,  when my oldest got driver's licence,  I decided to go back to tkd. I was happy again. Without my girls it wasn’t same, but I was getting my exercise. There was many times due to the busy lifestyle I had quit tkd, but I always missed it. But I always go back.

Every six months or so,  we have to take next belt exam. I didn’t care about the next belt, but with time I kept getting higher and higher belts. Last year when I got my red belt I was so in shock and was happy and excited because after red belt is black belt. I didn’t think I could even make it to the red belt. Here is something about my instructor he noticed: I lack confidence in myself. He always tells me  “don’t doubt yourself and have confidence in you”.

Before we get our next belt, there is a exam we have to pass. Before my exams I always e-mail him and ask  him, “Do I have to take exam”? and tell him, “I am not ready and I can’t do it”. He always replied back with positive and encouraging words. Every belt I received I deserved it I truly worked hard. Back in November, 2014  he told me and the other students, “ your black belt exam is coming up soon and here are the requirements”. Black belt exam requirements are higher than other requirements. Once again I was doubting  myself but couldn’t believe I’m this close to get my first degree belt belt. He told me he will fully support me as long as I put 100 percent and have confidence in yourself.

That was and still my problem. I thought I was doing my best,  but two weeks ago, he email to the students going for the exam,  “I would like to inform you that at this point, we are holding off for the black belt exam. I can tell very well that unfortunately this group of students are not ready yet mentally to fulfill the requirements of one of the most prestigious exam in the world. From now on, I will keep watching this group in an individual level ( no more group exam), and who ever is ready mentally, physically and technically, to earn the black belt, I will be more than happy to handle her this honorably and prestigious degree”.

Of Course I wasn’t happy about that,  but I had to be honest with myself. I was going to quit but at the sametime I know I am not a quitter, so that was not even as option for me. And quieting means I am choosing easy way out. And for sure no black belt for me.  And I thought I was doing my best and was putting 100 percent. But I know I wasn’t. My best wasn't enough. I wasn’t upset at him at all because he is right. I was upset at myself. Here is something about me. I get distracted pretty easily and I don’t like that side of me.  And when I am distracted it’s so easy for me to get off the wagon.  And I know this isn’t any belt; it’s a black belt. He tells us “ having a black belt is like having a weapon without a licence”. When and how I can be ready mentally, physically and technically, I don’t know.  I am trying but is trying or doing our best is enough?  I guess not.

          My whole point of writing this story is when I first started tkd I didn't’ care about the belts but now I do and I am proud to say I am a martial arts student. And it has been 11 years since my girls and I living alone with conference because of taekwondo. BIG THANK YOU TO MY INSTRUCTOR, HANY YOUSSEF! If something is really important for you, you will work hard to get it. And never think you can’t do it. Yes, you can. Right Now my goal is get my black belt and I don’t know when but I will get it.

...on May 11, 2015 I received my first degree black belt! :-)