Thirty days at a time

They say it takes about 30 days to break an old habit and to start a new one.  I took the challenge and succeeded and now I am hoping this will be a lifetime habit. As many of you know, I was a worrier and lived either in the past or look forward into the future. First, I didn’t  know how to live in the present, and even when I tried, I struggled. But I didn’t quit because it was and still is important for me.  

Pretty much all of my life I lived chasing securities. Before 2014 was about to end I was so tired of worrying about everything all the time and suddenly the light bulb went on, and  it made me realize whatever happened is in the past I can’t go back and change it. But I do know what is happening now and all I have is this present moment which is more powerful than yesterday and tomorrow. I learned from TKD and many self-improvement books say the same thing, don’t resist it. You need to accept it as you have chosen it. And that’s what I did the entire month of January 2015.

Before 2015 started I made this goal that the entire month the very first thing in the morning before I get off my bed, I took few minutes to myself and told myself no matter what I am going to have a good day today. And whatever happened, yesterday is gone. Today is a brand new day. I am proud to say I achieved my 30 day goal. Of course not everyday was a great day but I didn’t let anything bother me. I changed my attitude, too, and started looking at everything as nothing stays forever, and things could be worse, so instead of resisting or fighting, I accepted it. At first I thought it would be hard to think positively not every minute of the day but each day. But honestly it wasn’t. I felt lighter, happy, relaxed, and calm.

Different people have different habits, and they want to change it. Here I am telling you it’s possible to change any habit you choose to change or add. It may take time, but it’s possible. I am an optimistic person and I am a big believer that having a positive attitude plays a huge role in your life. And everything starts within yourself, as long as you are willing to change, YOU CAN DO IT! I hope my living in the present moment habit will stay with me for the rest of my life.

Eckhart Tolle said, “The past has no power over the present moment”  I wonder how many of us are still living in the past and missing the present moment while hoping for a better future. If we think about it deeply, how sad is that, even though you know there is absolutely nothing you can do about it?  What ever happened in the past is gone. There is nothing wrong hoping for a better future. But nobody knows what will happen in the future but we do know what’s happening now. We can see it, touch it and feel it. Don’t let your past destroy your present. You have the power to change it.

I recently chatted with a friend of mine. He is a great husband, father, and friend. But when I talked to him he told me “I am living in the past or into the future. I don’t know how to live in the present moment”. I am proud of him at least he knows and he is accepting it.    There was a long time I was living like him,  because the present moment was unpleasant,  and when I looked back at the past it seemed better than the present, and of course the future was unknown so I wanted to be in the future. I learned from my own life experiences and from the reading that the present moment is all we have. And that’s million-dollar truth. Accept it, feel it and you would be surprised to see how much enjoyment you’ll receive from it.

Have a happy living in the now!

College education for parents

I went to high school in Karachi, there is no comparison between high school here versus in Pakistan. It is very different. After 16 years since my  high school graduation I decided to go back to school and get my college degree.  I started from Parkland and once I was about to finish I realized I wanted to get more education so then I went to Eastern University and from there I got my four-year college degree.

When I started at Parkland, my daughters were in Junior high. I learned about school education at the same time as my girls. And when they started High school, I learned every student meets with their school counselor, and she or he helps them to design their four year high school class plan. Among many other things I also learned how important it is for students to be in AP classes and to learn a foreign language. Before graduation many high schools held college fairs so students could see all the colleges that were out there. I even took my girls to many out-of-state college tours so they could see which college they wanted to go. It was a great and fun experience and not just for my girls also for me.

Before the college semester begins, students meet with their college counselor,  just like in high school and he or she will help them to enroll in classes based on their major. The very first semester, my daughter signed up for an Arabic 101 class. When she told me that right away I said to her, “Arabic 101 would fulfill the language requirement, correct? Since you already took French in high school and the AP credits were accepted why do you have to take this?” She said, “Yes I know but my counselor told me I have to take a language for the requirement.”.

I said to myself this doesn’t make sense but no matter what I couldn’t call her counselor like I did in high school. I had to trust her but I still wasn’t satisfied. Half a semester went by, and one afternoon my daughter called me saying, “Mom, I am having a difficult time in Arabic and I want to drop it”. I told her to think it through and talk to her counselor. I wasn’t happy with what she was saying but I had to support her final decision. Lastly, I told her that quitters never win and winners never quit. I understood she was having a difficult time but this was her first semester, and she just needed to try her best. Of course she didn’t like what I said to her. Our conversation wasn’t going well, and we ended up not talking for a few days.  Later when I asked her what she decided, she said she had decided to stay in the class, and I left it like that. The semester was about to be over with finals approaching. Two days after her Arabic 101 final she called me and told me she received an A in the class. Of course I was so happy and proud of her.

My whole point of writing this experience is because many of us parents know about college stuff, such as applying for FAFSA, loans, applying for a dorm,  meal plans, and what classes your child should take. I feel blessed and lucky I understand how college stuff works because I went to college here in the States.

I salute those kids and their parents who are having to deal with this for the first time. It’s a huge and brave step. Those kids and their parents need more support and understanding than anyone. My hope is for either communities or high schools to provide some kind of college assistance for the parents so they can have a better understanding of what their child is getting into it.. When kids go to college they are young, excited, nervous and need lots of support from their family and their college. But how family can provide support if they don’t even understand what are they supporting?  I hope my point is clean, and our next generation parents won’t suffer as much as us old parents are going through.

Happy Valentine's!

What is Valentine’s day? “ St. Valentine's Day began as a liturgical celebration one or more early Christian saints named Valentinus. Several martyrdom stories were invented for the various Valentines that belonged to February 14, and added to later martyrologies.[2] A popular hagiographical account of Saint Valentine of Rome states that he was imprisoned for performing weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry and for ministering to Christians, who were persecuted under the Roman Empire. According to legend, during his imprisonment, he healed the daughter of his jailer, Asterius Valentine's day. An embellishment to this story states that before his execution he wrote her a letter signed "Your Valentine" as a farewell.”    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine%27s_Day.

I think Valentine's day is a beautiful romantic day, America has adopted it, and now it has become a part of the American culture. And it’s not only in the States but also making it’s roots all around the world.

In America we celebrate by giving cards, flowers, chocolates and presents such as jewelry to our spouse or partner. Many people even arrange romantic dinners in restaurants or in hotels. And the most common symbol of Valentine's Day is the heart, particularly in red and pink. Here is my observation about Valentine's day in the States: Over the years it has become for companies a huge business day. Anything associated with valentine's day they make the most money out of it. In my opinion Valentine's day has lost it’s true meaning, which is to celebrate love.

I don’t see anything wrong with having a day once a year to call Valentine's day. But I do see an issue with not all but many couples who don’t treat their partner with love throughout the year. Whether you are a man or a woman you should be nice and love each other always. I am not materialistic and I guess that’s why it bothers me when I see people buying things to make others happy. And we all know companies take full advantage of that. Yes, it is true that things do make some of us happy but only for a very short time. But the feeling you provide to your love partner will stays with her or him always.

A lot of partners get excited about Valentine's day but at the same time many partner’s heart get broken that day. I wonder how many of us know that valentine's day is one of the top breakup days in the States. “The covers of glossy magazines and the good folks at Hallmark believe that, come Valentine's Day, we get all hot and bothered about romance and relationships. But it seems an increasing number of couples are using the holiday as a springboard to evaluate their love lives. And instead of making up or making out, some couples are breaking up and moving out. A new Yahoo! survey found that between the December holidays and Valentine's Day, people are more than twice as likely to consider breaking up than any other time of the year. Some daters just don't want to fake the romance any longer”. http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=2863607. Normally when we hear about Valentine's day we don’t think about it being a  break up day, right? But for some people it is. Have a great Valentine's day every single day of the year!

Stranger danger

Stranger danger is the phrase we use to sum up danger associated with adults whom children do not know. We teach kids that to protect them from danger. That makes complete sense and we, the parents and adults feel like that’s our responsibility to protect kids from strangers.

Here is my observation about adults. We don’t just use the term stranger danger for kids we also use it for other adults as well. Many adults are afraid of each other. We feel uncomfortable talking to them, saying hi or simply smiling at them. I am not saying everyone is good and we shouldn’t be cautious but at the same time, why are we afraid of each other?

Here is the point I am trying to make. I know I am not the only one who has noticed that when we go out we all notice how many people are alone. I talked to many of my friends and asked how they felt about going out alone and noticing other people ignoring them? And of course none of them liked it. What and why are we afraid of each other? Let’s not even go far lets think about our own town. How many single people living alone and wish they could have someone to talk to.  They aren’t looking anything else. But simply  a good conversation or a company so they don’t feel alone.

With our technology world, pretty much everyone is on their cell phones and there is absolutely no human interaction. Even when we go to the grocery store, you don’t have to talk to anyone. You grab whatever you need, scan your items, pay and leave the store without saying a word to anyone. I know many time it’s convenient but at the same time how sad is it to have no human interaction at all.

I am one of those and I like people and I believe it’s important to have interaction with others. Couple months ago, I was out with a friend. We were eating and talking when we noticed there was a person eating alone and he was on his cell phone. My friend said, “hi” to him and then we invited him to join us. He felt comfortable and we talked for a long and we all had a good time. I even said to him, “Why can’t we invite other people and eat together and have a good time?” He said, “Yes, why not”. I have met many people like that.

Last year I took my daughter to a hair salon and that’s when I met an older man. I don’t have words to describe how impressed I am by him. We exchanged phone numbers and then later met many times. I am glad I am not afraid of people. The only time people aren’t afraid to talk to others is when they are on their vacation. Why is that? It’s because they are relaxed and their attitudes are,  “I am on my vacation and I am going to have fun”. Or they know they aren’t going to see those people ever again.

Another place I noticed that people feel more comfortable talking to each other is at the bar. They even have full conversations, laugh and have a great time. Some people even exchange phone numbers and make plans to meet again. Why is it acceptable at the bar and on vacations to talk to people but not other places?

I also wonder how many single people don’t even leave their home because they  feel lonely and even when they go out people don’t talk to them. Or they get the vibe from others about stranger danger. I feel really sad and sorry for those people. We humans are suppose to have interactions with each other. I can’t even imagine how those people must feel so lonely and alone.

I hope you get my point, let’s not be over protective and miss out. Look at each other and treat others how we want to be treated. In my personal experience, we have more good people than bad people. But because of those bad people we judge good people too.  And that’s not fair to them. Let us open our hearts to others and be nice to them. They don’t need anything from us but company or a nice conversation.

Start living

I believe if not all many of us once in our lives reach the point where you are completely done living a life by others. I am proud to say that I reached that point. 2014 was my wakeup call. The hardest and the biggest year of all and I am celebrating it with sad and happy tears.

I use my writing to express myself but this time I have a totally new view and project and I am dancing with joy. Not to long ago my friend and I were talking about how some other cultures deal with their past or pains. It was a very interesting conversation and I learned a-lot. While we were talking I came up with this idea. This idea will always be in front of me as a reminder but as a very positive and strong reminder.

Here is what I did. The first week of January 2015 I sat down with my journal and wrote down all of my pain, suffering, and insecurities. And then I went to my shed and grabbed a big empty flower pot. I washed it and painted the outside white. Once it dried I grabbed a sharpie and I start writing all around the pot: Childhood struggles, divorced, past, worries, pain, uncompleted dreams, hurt, fears, insecurities, bad relationships and negative people. Let me tell you it wasn’t as easy as it sounds. Each word I was writing down, it took me back to that time and I could close my eyes and see myself standing there. Some emotions were still fresh like yesterday. But it was a very powerful experience.

Once I got done writing I went to the store and bought potting soil and my favorite  planting seeds. I used one seed for each event, buried everything with my own hands and then covered it with dirt. Once I got done I brought it to my living room where I could see it every time I walked by. This was a hard process but at  the same time once I got done I felt so much lighter and powerful. A few weeks later I saw tiny leaves trying to come out of the heavy dirt. And that’s when I started living how I want to live my life again. That tiny plant is more powerful than many powerful things I know. To me it’s full of hope, happiness and full of the future.

I talked to a few of my friends about it and they loved the idea, a few days later they called me and told me they also have a pot in their living room. My whole point of writing this article is whatever method you would like to use please use it. Don’t let one more day go by where someone or something is running your life. Take control of your own life. Let go of your past because it’s not worth it. Start new and fresh. And believe me I know that it can be very scary but what is there to lose? Nothing. Instead you will gain your power back and live your own life how you want to live. That’s freedom to me. And freedom is a beautiful thing.

To all of my friends out there, start living today. You are complete when you know who you are. Everything starts from the inside to outside. Always be honest to yourself and to others. You aren’t competing with anyone but with yourself. And if you believe you are worth it which you are, then do it. Nobody's life is perfect and we all have something from our past we aren’t happy about. We can’t go back there but we can always cope with it now.

I am really excited and happy about how now I feel lighter and free from everything from my past. I wish you can feel free too. Good luck and remember no matter what things could be worse and LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!

Absolutely no securities

All my life I’ve  tired to chase securities. Growing up without a father and a brother was very hard, and top of that the culture didn't make it easy for a single mother and for her girls. I put all of my securities into my mother. And recently when she passed away, that’s what made me realized how insecure I am.  Growing up I had lots of dreams. I was excited to reach them but soon I didn't have a choice but to pick a different route, get married and move into a brand new culture. When I first moved to the states I didn't know anything about my new life. But slowly I started getting use to it and started feeling comfortable and secure. I thought my marriage would give me security.  But before I got too comfortable I found myself with absolutely no security and with two girls. I had to start all over and didn't know where to start. It was almost like I was sitting in the desert and everywhere I looked, it looked the same. But the choice I had was to stay feeling sorry for myself or get up and start walking again. I chose to get up.  I started taking baby steps. I went back to school and got my college degree, thinking it would give me security. I struggled in the work world too. And even now I have a full time job, but you never know, anything can happen and I could lose my job.

When I was raising my girls alone I had all kinds of unknown fears about their teen years, and each day I worked hard and my girls made me proud. But anything could have happened and there was nothing I could do about it. All the bad things weren't far enough from them. Yes I have a house to live in but I am paying mortgage and if I miss one month payment there goes that security, too.

We all know anything can happen to anyone and anytime but we all like to feel secure. I was one of those people who was always looking for security but never found it. I met many men and thought this is it but I was wrong, none of them could give me security and 10 years later I am still single. And I am okay with that.

Here I live far away from my family. During my mother’s sickness every time the phone rang my heart dropped thinking it’s bad news. I knew I would be there with her when she passed but those 15 months was like hell. The more I like to feel secure the more I am realizing there is absolutely no security out there. I am finally ready to accept what I had been chasing was like a bubble and the more I was trying to get closer and closer it gets further away from me.

I have gone through a lot in my life; I really understand what the real meaning of life is now. And also I am very attached to my feelings and I try to understand what’s happening and why. This may sound weird to some of you or it may not but I don’t know what normal feels like anymore. I became a caretaker, worrier and problem solver and much more.

Here is my New Year goal for 2015. I’ve lived 42 years of my life without any kind of security and thought I was secure but I was holding on to false hope. But now I have decided instead of living in denial I am accepting and realizing there is absolutely no security for anything. And I want to start the New Year with a fresh mentality and live my life without holding on to any kind of false hope and believe in myself that I can make it. I made it this far so why can’t I still make it with a new hope, positive attitude and with absolutely no security at all.  

To my readers, at this moment I am sitting at my desk with tears rolling down my face. My heart is trying to make me scared but my strong brain is in control and telling myself yes, I am going to have many hard days but I have to have courage and hope for the best and the most important one is to believe I have made it this far with false securities, why can’t I make it with being honest and trust in myself.

If you are one of those like myself, let’s do this together! Let us all let go of our fears, pain, worries, negative attitudes, hurt, unnecessary drama, bad relationships, abuse, and the most important one our past. Lets all start fresh with a new attitude, hope for the best and trust in yourself. You can do it! I wish you all the best and remember you aren't alone. I am with you and I need you!  

My family!

​Twenty five years ago, when I married my ex-husband I met his three sisters and parents. I moved to the U.S. the same year we got married. At that time I didn’t have any of my own family members who were living in the U.S. We lived together with his family for 10 years, it was part of the Pakistani culture, living with your in-laws, and I was okay with that. Everyone was very nice to me and they all welcomed me with open arms. 

​With time we all started getting to know each other more and getting closer. Time passed by and I had my daughters. My daughters were the first grandchildren in the family. Every single member of the family gave unconditional love to them. I felt blessed and lucky for my girls with how much love they received from their family. Meanwhile my eldest sister-in-law got married and a few years later my other sisters-in-law got married too. All of their husbands are Americans. 

​At first it was a huge change for the entire family because from a culture perspective if you are Pakistani, you are supposed to married a pakistani. Marrying an American man was not acceptable. Honestly it was a big adjustment for everyone. But with time the family started accepting them as they are, not based on their skin color.  As it turned, out they are all beautiful human beings who care a great deal about the family. 

​My ex-husband and I were married for almost 13 years when we got divorced. But, my in-laws including my sisters-in-law’s husbands didn’t take sides. They all tried to support both of us. I am still amazed that they did that, and found a balance

In the culture I came from you don’t support both sides, you support your blood relations no matter who is right or wrong. That was not the case at my home. I am proud to say my entire in-laws family are very beautiful people. They did what felt right to them. 

I have been divorced for almost 10 years now. My father-in-law passed away. But my mother-in-law is and will always be part of my life. Our divorce took a huge toll on her. Since her mentality is more traditional, it’s sad to say Pakistani culture is very judgmental. She was worried about what would people say to her. But with time she also grew and learned that it didn’t matter what other people thought. She never treated me differently, in fact she actually started calling me her 4th daughter and treats me just like her own daughter today.  I have so much respect for her. I know our divorce was really hard on her. But she made it and came out stronger than ever. 

My ex-husband got remarried, but the relationship we have today is completely separate to the relationship I have with his family. My relationship with them is stronger than ever. They are all a huge part of my family and I feel very lucky to say my girls and I are part of their families. Growing up I didn’t have a brother and my ex-husband is the only son in the family. But all three of my sisters-in-law’s husbands are like my own brothers. They are all very nice, caring people. Their respect, care, and love towards me and my girls is priceless. 

During my divorce my middle sister in-law was getting married. I had decided I wouldn’t go to her wedding because I am not the sister-in-law anymore. But when she found out I was not planning on going she visited me and said that she wanted me to come to her wedding not as a sister-in-law but as her own sister. They always included me in everything and never made me feel as though I wasn’t part of the family anymore. They are all the best people I know. 

It would be unfair if I don’t say anything about my eldest sister-in-law Ameena and her husband Adam. I remember very clearly when I arrived in the U.S I didn’t know much about marriage or about life in America. At that time Ameena was single and a college student. I don’t know if she remembers this but one day she came to me and said to me that, “if my brother ever put his hands on you, you tell me and I will take you far from him”. At that time I didn’t understand why she was saying this to me. Her  brother had never and never did harm me, but her words gave me security. Later I understood that many men physically abuse their wives and think that’s okay to do it, she was looking out for me from the very beginning. 

Ameena watched me grow in front of her. She never ever left my side. Even during my divorce she supported me like any good sister and friend would do. She would call me every single morning to check on me and make sure I was okay. She is like a second mother to my girls. Her heart is full of love and care, and her husband Adam is another beautiful human. 

Here is the unique side of Adam. He is my girls uncle but he is not just an uncle, he is like a father figure to my girls and my girls respect him a lot. Adam’s behavior towards me is like any good brother’s behavior. He doesn’t have to talk to me at all, I am his wife’s brother’s ex-wife. But he doesn’t care about the connection. He looks at me as if I am his sister, regardless of complex familial relations. Any kind of help I need whether it’s about my home, insurance, or anything I can call Ameena and Adam and they are there to help me. I feel blessed and truly lucky to have them as family. 

I was young when I got married and moved to the U.S. and my mentally was pretty traditional then. I grew up in front of all of them and I give the credit to my second family, who helped me grow. They never left my side and showed that they truly care for me and for my girls. 25 years later knowing all of them make me proud, because they created a new tradition and mentality where you don’t have to follow society’s rules. Create your own based on what is right for your family. You can still be nice, respectful and loving towards your ex-sister-in-law. A family doesn’t have to be torn apart because of one decision. To me that’s the true meaning of family, where you don’t need blood or legal documents connecting each other, the bond is so strong nothing can destroy it. I absolutely love every single one of my family members and am grateful to them from the bottom of my heart!