How do you know if you've met the one?

Not long ago my friend and I were having a conversation during dinner and she was telling me the guy she was seeing. She seemed pretty happy to me and she liked everything about him and believed he also feel the same way about her. But she asked me, “how do you know if they’re the one for you?

Her question made me think. At what point do people say their significant other is the one. Yet, with so many people getting married under the impression that they’ve in fact met the one, the divorce rate is incredibly high in the US. She told me they met each other 9 years ago and the chemistry has been strong from day one. They have both been married before and have kids. When she first met him she had recently been divorced and wasn’t even thinking about another romantic relationship. After meeting he tried to tell her that he had feelings for her, but she wasn’t looking for that kind of relationship. He respected her decision and they became good friends.

She also found him attractive from the beginning, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. However, she didn't want to take the risk in case he was not the one for her. In addition, she wanted her focus to be only on her kids. Over time she realized, now that I have raised my kids, living alone can be lonely. I want to be someone who also wants to be with me.  He was and still feels very strongly towards her, it didn’t take long for them both to become closer to each other.

         I have heard this question about “the one” from many people.

 My first marriage was arranged, but here in America people choose who they want to be with. I am not a relationship expert, but when my friend asked me that question, I didn’t have an answer for her.  Since I haven’t experienced it myself, I told her that she would know when the time was right.

Honestly my own answer didn’t satisfy me. Perhaps when the first marriage fails, people become more protective and want to make sure they aren’t making the same mistake they did the first time. I understand that but isn’t life a little like gambling? You have to take a risk, otherwise you’ll never know.  

Should we be overanalyzing and overprotective before we are 100% they are our soul mates? We can’t predict the future, to me it comes down to each person in the relationship nothing else really matters.

I have heard people even say that both parties should be on the same page to move forward in their lives together. I understand that, but every situation is different. Two people can care deeply about each other but their at different points in their lives. Some couples dates for many years but as soon as they get married they can’t live together and get divorced. What changes?

Beauty, attraction, status are great but the actual person isn’t made up of all of that. We should try to look at the person closely apart from everything else, maybe then our choices and feelings will be made clear. In my opinion, both people should feel complete and happy within themselves first. If you aren’t happy with yourself, you can’t make another person happy. It’s absolutely impossible.

The uniqueness of people is that we don’t all want the same things. For me true love is putting the other person’s desires and needs first. We find different qualities and characteristics more or less attractive, but underneath it all everyone wants to feel happy and loved. 

Looking for meaning in life

I guess at some point of our life if not all, many of us ask this question to ourselves: what’s the purpose of my life? Recently I have been asking this question to myself. I get positive and negative answers. Some days it seems like my purpose of life is to work and keep paying bills and some days it seems like, why was I the very first person to move to the USA. Maybe the purpose of my life is to be a mother to my girls and support my family so they can all have a better life. I get lots of positive and negative answers. I guess I am asking how would you know what’s the purpose of your life? I still haven’t found the right answer or discovered if  there is a right answer.

I am always been a thinker and my thinking helps me to think outside of the box, helps me to understand others, situations and many times understand my own self. Recently I had a dinner with my psychologist friend and we had a really nice chat. I asked him,  “Do you know the purpose of your life?” He looked at me and said, “That’s a million dollar question, and yes, I do. We all have to find our own answer. And it’s different for everyone”.

        When we were kids, we wanted to grow up as soon as possible and envied adults and thought their lives seemed very easy. They don’t have to ask anything to anyone. They can do anything they want to do. But once we grew up, we realized being an adult is not as fun as we thought. Being an adult comes with lots of responsibilities. And in reality we can’t go back to being a child.

My life has been divided into three parts. First part from birth to eighteen years in Karachi and second from 18 years to 30 until I was married. And then at the age of 30 as a divorced and a single parent until now in the States. The first 18 years of my life was without choice. I was trying to make it each day all while being hopeful for the future. I was focused and wanted to have a safe and secure future.  I didn’t want to move to the States but I didn’t have a choice. So I had to let go of my 18 years of life and start a brand new life around new people, language, culture and with lots of unknowns and no securities. I thought since I was married and had kids that that was my security and identity. But I was wrong. Then unexpectedly I got divorced and found myself as a single mother without any security.

        When I was living in Karachi, even though I was pretty young, I cared about my family and wanted to strongly support my sisters and my mother. After I moved to the States I felt completely lost and didn’t know where to start. So I followed my ex-husband. I didn’t have my own identity except as a wife and a mother. Once when I found myself divorced first I went into complete denial and shock. But for my girls I put myself together and put on the mother hat and started finding my own identity.

        Now when I look back I ask this question to myself, what was the purpose of my life then and even now? Is the purpose of my life to be a caretaker? When I think about it I don’t get a satisfactory answer, because I am more than a wife, daughter, sister and even a mother. I look at it as those were and are a part of my identity, of who I am but those relationships don’t define me as who I am.

        I am a woman who cares about others deeply. I am honest, trustworthy, beautiful, educated, loyal, a giver, understanding, respectful, mother, sister, daughter and a friend. I am a dreamer and full of hope. I trust God and believe God loves all of us equally. I have lots of dreams and I am proud of myself how far I have come under hard circumstances. But I am still searching for an answer, what’s the purpose of my life? Do you know what’s the purpose of yours?

Black Friday

I talked to many people about how they felt about Black Friday.  Believe it or not nobody agrees and strongly believes that around Thanksgiving people should spend their time with families rather than planning on shopping early the next day.

I also agree. Thanksgiving is a beautiful American tradition and we should keep it as it is or make it better. That day is all about being thankful for people and everything we have. But it’s seems like we are losing the real value, instead of being thankful some people are rushing to get to the store to buy more things.   

The way I look at it that, it’s not just about us but it’s also about our next generation. We are paving the way for them so they can keep the  tradition going.  What kind of message are we giving to them? Spending time with family or buy more and more things just because it’s on sale. Aren't we teaching them to be materialistic over family values?

As many of you know I grew up very poor. Growing up there were many days we didn't have food to eat and growing up around five sisters there was not a single thing I could call my own. I wore clothes passed down to me. But here is the beautiful side to all that. The way my mother raised us we didn't care about  things or who gets what. As long as we had each other we truly cared and loved each other. Things don’t make us happy. What makes us happy are the feelings, love and care we provide for each other. Kids watch what our actions, not what we say. It is sad to say especially in the states, we Americans are so in to having more and the bigger is better. Everything has to be from the latest technology to following the  latest fashion. Sometime it makes me scared and I worry about our future and our kid’s future. Why can’t we be happy with what we have. Why do we have to have more bigger and new things?    

Companies know what many of us are after and that’s why whether you agree or understand that we are their target. That’s why every year they start their advertisement earlier than last year competing with other companies. They don’t care about family values or how important Thanksgiving day is. They only care how much profit they can make on Thanksgiving day. I feel sorry  for many employees who would rather be at home with family or friends but what choice do they have.

I grew up having very high family values and my family was, is and always will be at the top of my priorities and I really wish many people who don’t understand how important family is, can understand. I also know not everyone is lucky to have a family but family is not just blood relatives. Anyone who cares about you or you care about them makes them a part of your family. I wish and hope on this 2014 Thanksgiving everyone has a great time with family and friends and please think before stepping out of the door for black Friday shopping,  

Happy Thanksgiving!

Gratitude

This Thanksgiving season I have countless people to be thankful for, but there are some very special people who have been in my life for a long time and they have made a special place in my heart. They are the ones who have always there for me but especially when I needed them the most. They are my friends and neighbors.

I met these beautiful people when I first moved to Mahomet back in 1999. And after 15 years they all have become a part of my family. They are very caring and loving human beings. They are real people who truly care of one another. They don’t care about skin color or nationality but look at each other as humans.  My friend’s and neighbor’s names are Lana Malaise and her husband Rene Malaise and Jim Caputo and his wife Tammy Caputo. I want you four special people to know how much I appreciate you all and I feel truly blessed to have you in my life. From the bottom of my heart please accept my gratitude.

I have heard people say when you need help your family comes later; your friends and neighbors will be there in no time. And that’s so true. I have experienced it many times.

Lana, there is a lot to say about you and I don’t know where to start. You aren’t just my friend, you are like my sister, guidance, supporter, counselor and my girl’s Aunt. You have a beautiful heart and are a beautiful woman from the inside to outside. I truly enjoy our friendship and hope we will be friends for the rest of our lives. Lana, you made me feel comfortable in no time and as you already know I trust you with my eyes closed.  Rene you are another beautiful human. I thank you for everything you have done for me and you have always been there when I needed you.

Being a single mom is hard enough but on top of that there is always something that needs to be done around the house. And I am not a handy woman at all. And of course most of the time things break when you least expect it. Renee and Jim are my friends and my handy man. You are always available fixing something around my home without expecting anything in return. I truly appreciate you both.   

When I went to Pakistan to visit my Mom the only thing I had to worry or plan was my own trip. I didn’t have to worry about who was going to take care of my home or any other things here. It’s a great security to know you have people who you can count on and they will not disappoint you. I left without worrying about anything and you took care of my home like your own home. While I was there I was worry free because I knew my home was in good hands. This is just a one example how good you people are to me.

Jim, I never forgot what you did on September 11.  We had just moved to Mahomet. On that day I was nervous for my girls and that’s why I went to school early and brought my girls home and didn’t let them play outside. That evening you came to my door and made me feel comfortable and gave me security about my girl.  Anytime I called for any kind of help you are always available, I thank you for that.

Last summer when I went to Pakistan I gave my home key to Lana and her husband to look after my home. I also talked to Jim and Tammy letting them know I was going and asked for them to please keep an eye on my home. Right after I left, Rene’s mom passed away. Without letting me worry Jim took over and mowed my lawn and took care of things around the house. He even went the extra mile and start seeing things needs to be fix around my home. He didn’t have to do that but that’s him: a caring person. Along with many other things that needed to be fixed he also noticed my sump-pump wasn’t working. He didn’t have to but he fixed it and a week later while I was still gone, Mahomet received horrible rain. Many homes got flooded but mine didn’t because of Jim. He saved my home. After I came back, Lana, Rene,  Jim and Tammy came by many times making sure I was okay. They are truly nice, caring and loving people. I am lucky I have neighbors like them. Tammy my friend you know how much your friendship means to me. You are a very sweet and caring person and I thank you for that.

I honestly believe we have more good people in this world than bad people. Good people are making a difference in someone’s life every single day without letting anyone know about it and we call them unsung heroes.

On this Thanksgiving time, I am grateful to my girls, all of my friends, neighbors and my family all around the world. I feel lucky I have lots of people who care and love me. I thank you all for being who you are and I wish you a very happy Thanksgiving!  

Trust God and think positive

       It’s hard to believe that in just two months we will be saying goodbye to 2014 and welcoming 2015. It is true when they say, time flies by. This colum is not about New Year resolutions but a reminder of our current year. Every year before the New Year begins many of us make New Year resolutions. Every year before the new year begins, many of us make New Years's resolutions. This column serves as a reminder to us to look back and see whether we completed our goals or not. For those of you who have not completed your goals, we still have two months to go. Don’t worry about when you’ll finish your resolution because we aren't racing against anyone but our self. 

         I made many realistic resolutions and have completed some but not all of them.  2014 was a very hard year for me. A lot of unexpected things happened. I struggled a lot but I am proud to say I made it. On the top of my resolution list was a prayer for my mother. “Please God take my Mom’s pain away”.

        God listened and it happened when it was her time. I feel extremely blessed that I got the opportunity to see her before she left this world. Seeing her in pain with the condition she was in was extremely difficult. At first it was painful to imagine my Mother in heaven but now this is how I imagine her: she is in heaven and wearing a beautiful Queen’s dress, sitting next to my father, and he also wearing a King’s dress. The room is full of kings and queens and there is no pain, worries or struggles, only peace and happiness. 

This image in my mind gives me peace. My resolution did come true and she is out of pain. And I strongly believe she is in heaven with my father embracing peace and happiness together.  

Another goal I made was to now worry too much and to trust God fully, knowing he will take care of me. I can’t explain how much I trust God and I know I couldn't be where I am today in my life without His help, especially during my times of struggle with finances and emotions. God is great.

 My whole point in writing about this is that it doesn't matter if you haven’t completed your resolutions or not. It’s never too late to start now. And compared to last year if your situation has gotten worse and you are feeling overwhelmed; don’t think you can’t get out of it. Trust God and think positively. You will be surprised to see how things work out amazingly.

And if you have reached your New Year resolutions, congratulations, give credit to yourself and be proud! Every person’s situation is unique and every single thing we go through is a part of life. Instead of going against it or resisting, accept it as if you have chosen it. Instead of focusing on one solution to your problems, don’t be afraid to look in other directions, chances are you’ll find another solution that was in front of you the whole time. 

Don’t focus negatively on your problems. No situation stays the same and change is happening every single day in our lives. Change can be scary but not always, it’s up to us how we open to it. Life is beautiful!

Broken Heart

Close family and friends know about this but for the ones that didn’t know, after I came back from Karachi in July I felt completely lost. I felt empty, unhappy, focus-less, sad, depressed, as if I had lost something and looking for it but didn’t know where to start looking and what exactly I was looking for. I knew my Ami’s death had a lot to do with the way I was feeling but during this process I also noticed I was dealing with lots of different emotions too, which had nothing to do with Ami’s death but I still felt it.

       

I am one of those women who is very attached to her feelings and am very good at expressing it. And I learned long time ago, when something is bothering us we should talk to people who we trust. Since I write I have been putting my thoughts onto the paper and was thinking, if I was doing all the right things then why was I feeling the way I was? As soon as I came back my responsibilities were waiting for me. I went to work everyday, took a shower, exercised, met friends and did all of my routine things. But there was this emptiness and sadness that wouldn’t leave me alone. My focus was gone.

The more time was passing by the more I was thinking the way I was feeling. So one day I decided to sit down and just write the emotions I was feeling without analyzing it or trying to figure them out. I was in shock; I didn’t know how many emotions I had inside of me from birth to now. Even though I thought I had been doing pretty well, I was wrong.

I was 3 years old when my father, Abu, passed away. I have no memories or any kind of attachment with him. It was only my Ami who raised me and I always looked at her as both my parents. When Ami passed away, even though I am 42 years old, I felt like an orphan. It was and still is very painful to deal with. My mother was a very religious woman and she always prayed for everyone. But after her death I had this sadness, now who was going to pray for me? I felt like because of her prayers I was protected and now I was not.

Another things I realized, my childhood wasn’t a typical childhood and growing up I worried a lot about my Ami, sisters and struggled every single day. And as a woman in Pakistan my job was also to take care of the house and start working at a young so I could support my Ami. Then after I got married my job was to take care of my husbands’ and my kids’ need. Life changes in a flash because the next thing I knew I found myself divorced with two little kids. But what choice did I have? Whether I wanted to or not I had to put myself together for my girls and start walking again. And before I knew it I became the caretaker and it was all about other people. Which I was fine with because I love and care for my kids deeply. Then right before my youngest daughter was about to graduate high school my Ami had a stroke. Then my focus shifted to her.

From April 2013 to June 2014, every single day I worried about my Ami and tried to help however and as much as I could. During those fourteen months it was like my life was on pause. But after Ami’s death I felt completely lost and I could finally pin on it and realized since I became a caretaker I had been asking myself, now what? It’s almost like I didn’t know how to live without taking care of people or things, like I didn’t know how it feel to be normal. This is another chapter of my life and I don’t know where I am going. But I am hopeful I will find my way.

Since I am positive person and also a problem solver the only thing that is in my control is to change my outlook. Instead of looking at what I lost or what I don’t have I started looking at how blessed I am. I have two beautiful girls who truly respect and love me; I have place to live, a job, a car to drive, and friends and family who are always there for me.

Since I changed my outlook I noticed I started feeling much better. I am now smiling, eating healthy and instead of looking into my past or worrying about the future I started living in the power of now because that’s all we have right now. My heart is still broken and here and there it hurts but this is what it is and every single chapter in our lives is part of our lives whether we like it or not. I would say instead of fighting it’s better to accept it and move on. I know I have a long way to go but I am glad I am on my way and I believe with God’s help I will be just fine.

Our Baby Chachi

We all have relatives, but some relatives are pretty special and go beyond what’s expected of them. Our Baby chachi is one of those special relatives. Her real name is Sultana Malika, but when she was a child, she got the nickname “baby” and that name became her identity. It stayed with her when she got married, became a mother, an aunt and even a grandmother. Baby chachi was married to my father’s younger brother and that’s why we call her chachi; which means aunt. Baby chachi was very young when she got married to my uncle. They had a age difference but she got mature in no time and learned how to handle pretty much everything. She was the best wife my uncle could have asked for.  Here is an interesting side of her.

Chachi didn’t have proper education but she understood the value of education, all of her 6 kids are college graduates and some became engineers. After my father passed away, my mother was going through a really tough time raising 5 girls alone. Chachi and my uncle took a huge step for which my mother and all of us sisters are very grateful. They bought the house next to our home and gave my mother the security that she wasn’t alone. They showed that we are all one big family. They both proved it every single day and are still doing it. All of us five sisters and six cousins grew up together. It was a beautiful priceless time. We were each other’s friends and had the time of our lives.

My Ami was older than chachi and chachi always respected that. At the same time they both had an understanding and mutual respect for each other, I would say that if my Ami trusted anyone that was chachi. She was caring and loving towards all of my sisters but from an early age I felt a special connection between chachi and I. Chachi and my uncle always made sure we were okay and didn’t want for anything. Growing up every year before Eid (a Muslim Holiday) she made sure we had new outfits and were excited for the holiday. I don’t remember what year, but before one of the Eid’s I didn’t like the clothes she had bought me. I didn’t say anything to her but she read it on my face. She took it back immediately and brought another one which I liked. She made a beautiful butterfly dress for me. It was a moonlight fabric and the colors were red and white. I can still close my eyes and see that dress. I don’t even know if she remembers that but I do. She was and is still the kind of woman that would do anything for those she loves.   

When my marriage proposals started coming she didn’t want me to marry just anyone. She would talk to my mother and my uncle. She rejected some because they were ordinary people. For as long as I can remember chachi was our other mother that we could count on and who looked after all of us sisters fiercely.

Before my Ami passed away, chachi would come every day and pray for her and stay by her side. We all knew what was going on with our mother and it was just matter of time. But seeing Ami in the condition was really painful. My oldest sister is a little bit mentally disabled and she was really close to Ami.  I thought that maybe Ami is not letting go because she is worried for her. They say people in comas can still hear everything going on around them. I thought maybe we needed to talk to Ami and let her know, she will be just fine. I didn’t think that conversation would be easy but chachi being there made it easier. There are no words to describe how you can prepare yourself for that kind of conversation. My second oldest sister, baby chachi and I were in the room with Ami and we started the conversation. Baby chachi told Ami, “I am here and I will never leave your girls alone. You don’t have to worry about anything”. And then she broke down. It was so painful and hard to see my baby chachi crying like that.

Our Baby chahee is a very loving and sweet woman. The way she talks to you, shows how much she care about you, you can feel it. Every time I come back to the US it’s very difficult to say goodbye to her. Many years ago my uncle passed away and all her kids got married. Now chachi is living with her kids and enjoying her time surrounded by her family. I feel really blessed and loved from her. After Ami passed away she still checks on my sisters and nieces makes sure they are okay. I know she will keep doing it as long as she can. I hope we can have more aunts like my baby chachi.