Beauty from the Ashes

This story is about my older sister, who deserves a remarkable introduction but I don’t have the words to describe her. She is one of those women who we call an unsung hero. She’s the backbone of the family, the strongest daughter, and can handle pretty much anything. She’s gone through a lot in life but is always smiling, and is always ready to help others; she has the biggest heart of all, the best sister, daughter, and the best mother in addition to many other things.

            This remarkable woman’s name is Sultana. She is the mother of two daughters. We sisters gave her a nickname (Tana short for Sultana) when we were young kids. Tana and I have 5 years age difference. For some reason when I was a child I was pretty attached to her. As a young girl she was very shy and mature girl and had a few good friends.  She was focused and a very good student. Since she was the oldest when she turned 16 her marriage proposal came. I don’t know what she was thinking, whether she wanted to get married or not but she knew she didn’t have a say in that matter. She didn’t say anything to our mother or our uncles. She agreed without knowing anything about her future husband and at the age of 16 she was forced to quit school and become a wife.

            Tana’s husband was 13 years older than her. He was from a very nice family. He had a decent job and not very much education. From early on in the marriage he didn’t give her the respect a wife should receive from her husband. He was abusive toward her as well. Tana never complained to our mother or but kept dealing with his abuse. The same year that she got married she become a mother and then the following year had her second daughter. She was married to her husband for 13 years. And all those years she was a faithful wife to her husband. Even though she knew her husband was wrong, she followed religious and cultural beliefs. I believe that since she was the oldest she was worried for us her sisters. She knew the culture she was living in. Our mother was already a widow and barely surviving. If she took any step to leave her husband, people would judge her sisters and mother. She didn’t want that and so she took all of his mental and physical abuse. She never blamed our mother or anything else but accepted her fate. I have so much respect for Tana for doing that, it was a very selfless thing to do.

           Her husband had anger issues and his ego was huge. Early on something happened between him and our uncle (who took care of us) and it was extremely hard for him to let it go. He took out his anger on his wife, kids, our mother and on all of us sisters. He was a very controlling man. He didn’t have much to control but whatever control he had he used. He didn’t let his kids and Tana come visit us for 8 long years. We weren’t welcome at their home either. It was the most difficult time for all of us, especially for Tana and our mother. Since she was a faithful wife, she and the kids never came to visit us behind his back or did anything to made him more upset.  We didn’t know how she lived those 8 years without seeing family, it wasn’t until my recent visit she started sharing with me and to her daughters about everything. She kept it all inside this whole time.

        I remembered how much our mother had shed tears and prayed to God for us to be united again. She utterly missed her daughter. One day suddenly her husband had a heart attack and later died with heart failure. They were renting a home and he didn’t leave anything behind for his wife or for his daughters. Culturally back then if something happened to the son in-law, daughters could move back to their parent’s home. Tana and the kids came back for good. On my recent visit, we were sitting and talking and suddenly Tana said to me, “When I couldn’t come home to visit Ami and all of you, I always prayed to God that when my Ami needs me please make me available to be there for her”. I felt the pain in her words. Until then we never shared anything about those 8 years. The pain is still raw. I was surprised and it was hard to hear something like that from her mouth. Tana and I both had tears in our eyes. Who would have thought that one day Tana would be primarily the one to take care of Ami?

One of our cousins grew up with us and we are the only family she has. Many years ago, she found out she had breast cancer and Tana took care of her and provided as much assistance as she could. Ami was there but she was getting old and she trusted Tana more than anyone. She went through chemo therapy and while she was getting treatment, Tana welcomed her at our home with her three kids and took care of her for two months. A few years later we found out our very eldest sister had to get her uterus removed. Her condition was getting serious and dangerous. Tana also took care of her like her own child and is still doing it. She saw how Ami lived without a man being in the house, and so she became the man of the house. She takes cares of every single thing without anyone’s help.

She was only 29 years old when she became a widow. But she put herself on the back burner and took over all of Ami’s and the home’s responsibility like any good child would do.  Right away she learned how to deal with people and especially men in male dominated country. Older woman get respect but young women don’t and it’s sad to say that most of the people look at young woman as entertainment and objectify them. But even in such a society with that type of mentality Tana taught them how to treat her with respect and make sure they all stayed within their boundaries.  I applaud Tana, what she did and is doing is not easy but she is a walking testament to what can be done.

Tana also did a remarkable job in how she raised her daughters. They are beautiful girls from inside to the outside. She provided them with education, her eldest daughter has a Bachelor’s Degree and her youngest has an MBA. While she was taking care of everything she also wanted to go back to school and be independent. She started from the basics. She chose to work in the medical field and today 10 years later her job is secure and she has been supporting her family and Ami all this time. It’s pretty remarkable to do these things given the cards that were dealt her and in Pakistani culture.

Her prayer was to be there when Ami needed her. She and her daughters were there every single day 24/7 for whatever Ami needed until she passed away. And I can say for sure that if Ami was still alive or had lived 5 more years paralyzed, I have no doubt Tana and her daughters would have taken care of her with love and smiles.

Today she is still living and will always live at our Ami’s home with her daughters and our oldest sister. She is still taking care of responsibilities and working full time. I am proud to say that Tana is my older sister and I have so much respect and love for her. She is beyond just a strong woman.  I wish her all the happiness in this world and wish the rest of her life will be peaceful and happy. You can name any problem and Tana will have made it through that hard time with flying colors, and that’s why when I look at her I see true beauty from ashes.

While I was there visiting my family I observed Tana and I noticed that she doesn’t sleep like others do for a full 6-8 hours but she sleeps like a tiger. She isn’t fully asleep and is always alert. She is always top of everything. I also noticed that since her job is related to the medical field, she goes to low-income areas and educates women about birth control, hygiene, disease and gives children polio shots.  So from her work she always has basic over the counter medicine. While I was there for 6 weeks I saw many times women came looking for Tana asking for advice and seeking medical help. She was always ready to help anyone with anything they needed. They respected Tana a lot and call her “ baji” which means older sister. She has huge heart, if she noticed someone needing help in any capacity she always helped them. She is a remarkable woman.  She is handling all of her responsibilities beautifully and has found a great balance. That’s my Tana. 

What's changed---and what hasn't ---for women in Pakistan

 Since growing up 35-40 years ago, I heard from my elders and personally experienced how husbands treat their wives with no respect at all. Instead of that they look and treat them as their property and control them physically, emotionally and psychologically. But they accepted their wives to take care of their parents, do all of the house chores, take care of the kids, fulfill everyone needs and she was not allowed to complain to him or anyone but to keep it inside, instead just to show everyone how happy she is with him. 

            Fortunately not all men are like that but most of them are. I remember very well as soon as I moved to the States one day my oldest sister in-law came to me and said, “if my brother ever abuses you physically you let me know and I will take you far away and protect you”. At that time I was 18 years old but before I even got married I had decided I would never ever put up with that kind of abuse from my husband. But in the new country her words gave me huge security. Even then and even now my ex-husband knew better and treats me with respect. Yes, I got divorced but in 13 years of marriage he never abused me.  

Since I moved to the states 25 years ago, I thought and heard that things started changing. The older generation learned from their own experience that things were wrong and that’s why they wanted the younger generation to get a higher education, especially the girls. I also heard that couples have become more aware about respecting each other and don’t cross each other’s boundaries. Arrange marriages were and are still common.  However, there was a time when couples first saw and talked to each other the night they got married.  But later on parents started meeting with he or she with their family and if they think he or she and family is suitable for their son or daughter, they would let them know and then they are the ones who make the final decision. On the same note arrange marriage still exists in the low and middle class.

Since I moved I always came to Karachi for a very short time and my trip was always planned.  But this is my very first time my trip is longer due to my mother sickness and is also the very first time I didn’t plan for my trip at all, I just wanted to be with family.  But 10 days after I came, my mother passed away. During my mother’s death lots of relatives, friends and neighbors came for condolences.  I haven’t met many of them for a long time and it was very nice seeing and talking with many of them. While I was talking to them, especially the new couples I observed how many couples were living unhappily and miserable.  Most of the husbands like to be in control. He wouldn’t let his wife go anywhere without his permission.  And if she is working outside of the house he controls her money and treats her like a 2^nd class citizen. He doesn’t appreciate how she is taking care of the home and supporting her husband financially. 

Another major issue is dealing with the in-laws.  Here in Pakistan most of the couples live with their parents after they get married and that’s part of the culture. It’s more about them than the couples. But most of them believe they are doing a favor for them but actually there is no privacy or freedom for the couple. The home is always his parent’s home.

After talking and absorbing it all in it made me think how little has changed in woman’s lives. They are still struggling and living under men like their opinion doesn’t matter. I feel very bad and sad for them. Here in the States I see how freely myself and other women are living.

Another huge issue is the dowry. I thought now dowry only exists in the low class now because I assumed people knew better now. But I was wrong. When the girls are getting married, even  if the girl’s  parents can’t afford a dowry they take a loan to give their daughter as much dowry as they can so their daughter can be happy and her husband and in-laws won’t give her a hard time. Some parents give their daughters a bedroom set, some give also the living room furniture or even a car, basically as much as they can afford. That’s on the girl’s parents side. But here in Pakistan shameless men and his parents demand for dowry and make the girls parents feel by getting married to their daughter they’re doing them a huge favor.

Here is an example from my own family.  Three years ago, my oldest sister’s daughter got married. From the outside they seemed like a good family. The Husband has a decent job, his mother is a school principal, and all the brothers and sisters are already married. Last year when I came I visited my niece and met his family the very first time. They were nice to me and I couldn’t tell anything negative about them.

When my mother passed away, I noticed my niece came for a very short time with her mother but her husband and his family didn’t come to give their condolences. A week later we had prayers for our mother and we invited many people including my niece and her in-laws.  My niece came early in the morning with her brother but the prayers were in the evening. And the she wanted to leave in couple hours. I asked her, “Aren’t you going to stay for prayers and where is your husband? Why didn’t he come to give his condolences?” First, she was hesitant but then she opened up and told me, “My husband doesn’t allow me to come down here to visit. He doesn’t even know I am here to visit you and others”. When I asked her why she said,“ When I got married, in to my dowry I didn’t  get fridge? He is still upset about it".  He believes since you and my younger aunt lives in the USA it’s our responsibility to financially support him.  

When I heard that I was in shock and couldn’t believe he could think like that. I asked her “What do you think? Do you think he is right”? She said of course not and then told me more things about how she is living and how she was been treated badly. I felt really sad and bad for her but also admired how she is handling him maturely instead of calling us and making us feel guilty.  When she was leaving I asked if she would come back to visit before I left but she already knew her husband wouldn’t allow for it. I told her I would come to her house but she said sternly, “No, he wouldn’t like that.” I was and still in shock by how many women are living like this or worse. I talked to my niece and encouraged her to stand for herself and told her she must put herself first and that I am always with her as long as you don’t support the wrong things. She said to me she understood me but right now it was her choice and she wanted to be with him. I had to respect her decision. These kinds of conditions for women are very common in Pakistani culture. And it’s very sad and hard to believe. I literally felt I was back to the past and nothing had changed but in some cases it got worse.    

I was born and grew up here so for me it wasn’t brand new but still it was a culture shock because I thought things had changed, I was wrong. No place is perfect but I will say USA is a much better place for women to live in then Pakistan. At least you are free to live and you aren’t living as a slave in your own home.  Every time I come to Karachi, I find myself more and more shocked and it seems like a strange country to me. I noticed mentally how far I have gone since I moved. I speak my mind, and if I don’t agree or I don’t like something I am not afraid to say it. My heart goes out to women who are struggling here and don’t feel free at all. 

Granddaughter's Sentiments

My grandmother (I called her Manoo) is physically gone but I feel that she is still with us. I know she will always be with me, guiding me through my everyday decisions. 

My name is Mahwish and I came to Manoo’s home in 1997, after I lost my father. I always thought that having a father was very important because he is the backbone of the family. Once he left it was very hard for me to accept that he was gone. Manoo helped with the transition by telling me her life stories during her free time. One day she told me a story about her father, and that gave me comfort. Her father, my great grandfather, was in the army and he fought in World War II. Manoo and her family lived without him while he was gone, without knowing when he would come back. While I was listening to her telling me this story, I was surprised that she survived without a father when she was just a child. Later during the partition her entire family moved to Pakistan from India and soon after she got married. At the beginning she was happy with her husband but her in-laws weren’t kind people and acted negatively towards her. Then suddenly her husband died of a heart attack and her in-laws became more negative towards her and it was very difficult for her to live with them.

During my childhood I always saw her busy with her prayers. She was always reciting the Quran and was pleased when my sister and I recited it as well. She always sat with us and listened to us very intently. She always encouraged us to get more education, when we received good grades she looked very happy.  

I always loved to watch Pakistan’s cricket match but Manoo was always against cricket, and she disliked watching TV dramas.  She enjoyed listening to the news, shows about the economy, and Islamic programs.  But later on she started showing interest in cricket matches and TV dramas too. Everybody said to her, “Your granddaughters changed you”, she always smiled and said they are the beauties of my life.

In April 2013 she had a massive stoke. It was my first time dealing with a stroke patient. I remember it very well, around 4pm I came out from the shower and saw her sitting on the floor. Her face looked stressed and she was unable to communicate. At that time I didn’t know she was having a stroke. She was not in control and her vitals were shutting down. I lifted her into my arms and helped her reach the bed to make sure she was ok.  At that time I was home alone. Shortly after my mom and sister came back home, my mother looked at her and right away she knew something was wrong. We took her to the hospital to get treated.

      She started seeing a therapist and made some progress. I watched her therapist and paid attention to the exercises he was doing with her, later I learned them and started doing them for her myself.  In the beginning I was very nervous but the more I tried I got more confident.  With the therapy and everyone’s help she was able to sit in a wheelchair, and showed huge progress. In December of 2013 she had another stroke, and from there she started to deteriorate. In May of 2014 with many health complications, she started having fevers reaching 105 degrees. Twenty-two days before she passed she went into a vegetative coma. The interesting part of this type of coma is that the patient can open their eyes, and even say some words. However they aren’t actually awake. The longer the patient stays in a vegetative state, the chances of waking up become less and less.

On June 14, 2014 she left us. I pray that Allah swt gives her the best place in Heaven. I love her a lot and I will always miss her. It still feels as though this is all unreal and it is hard to believe she is gone forever. But I know she is in a better place, and I have no doubt she is very happy there. No matter what she is a part of me and I will carry her with many all through my life. 

A Story of a Beautiful Woman!

June 14, 2014 at 1:25 AM my Ami met her loving lord. It still doesn’t seem real. The whole family has to pinch ourselves to remind ourselves that Ami is gone forever. We sisters and family knew that her time was coming but when it came, it was so painful for us to deal. My Ami was one of the real women in the world. Her patience, honesty, softness, caring personality, beauty, loyalty, humbleness, simplicity, loving and dignity are just a few things to define her.

            My Ami’s name was Habiba Susi. She was born in Madrass, India. She was the youngest in her family with one older sister and 3 brothers. After the partition in 1947 her family moved to Karachi, Pakistan. Growing up Ami told us many stories about her childhood. She never forgot where she came from, even when she became a Pakistani Citizen. But her heart was stayed in India. Her father and two of her brothers were in the Army so growing up the household was very proper. She was a college graduate with English and math being her favorite subjects; education was huge deal for her. All her life she respected herself and others, and was full of etiquette.  

She got married to my father when she was 25 years old. After 10 years of marriage my father died suddenly of a heart failure.  My Ami was left with five daughters all under ten years of age to raise. But my mother did a remarkable job. She never re-married or gave anyone a chance to say anything about her character. She lived her life with dignity and without an ego. She worked very hard to make it each day and she struggled a lot. But she was not a quitter but a fighter. Her faith was always strong and she never asked anything from anyone except from God. After my father died my uncle, who was financially stable, bought a two-bedroom home for us. My Ami was so happy, she always said, “I have a place to live for me and for my daughters”.  She also had a huge heart.  I don’t remember when but for as long as I can remember my grandmother on my Ami’s side lived with us until she died.  One of my cousins who couldn’t live with her parents, my Ami offered her to live with us too. She raised her just like her own daughter. Growing up I didn’t know she was our cousin. I always told people I have six sisters. I am still amazed by how my mother managed everything and everyone with a very limited income and never complained.

I can still close my eyes and see my Ami walking everywhere from paying bills to visiting relatives because she couldn’t afford a taxi, and coming home very sweaty with her feet full of dust. I never liked seeing my Ami tired and worried. Her focus was on her daughters and she never showed us her frustration or anger towards not just us but to anyone. Her pride and dignity were very important for her. Throughout her life lots of people gave her a hard time but she dealt with it gracefully, calmly and maturely.

She never forgot who was there for her during her hard times. She always told us “don’t forget them, they were there when nobody was”. I am so proud to say my Ami was not materialistic at all. She cared about people’s feelings; sometimes I wonder how my mother survived in this unfit, male dominated country without a husband.

  Ami wanted all of her daughters to have a higher education but at the same time she knew she couldn’t afford it and in the society she was raising us in, she knew it would be better for her and for all of us if we all could get married as soon as possible. Sadly to say getting marriage was more important than getting a higher education. My uncle gave Ami security about her daughter’s wedding expenses. Two of my older sisters got married at the age of 16. When I turned 17 I knew it was my turn to get married but I didn’t want to. I wanted to study and have a career so I could support my family. But at that time I didn’t have a voice. My proposal came from USA, I didn’t want to move away from my family but I didn’t have a choice. I still remember all of us were on the way to the airport in the van and I was crying a lot. When I looked at my Ami she was sitting alone crying without showing any emotion or making any noise. Her face looked so worried for me but even then I could tell she was feeling helpless because she was forced to send her daughter to the other side of the world. Once I became a mother I understood her more, how difficult that time must have been for her but I am sure she trusted God and sent me with hope and prayed for the best for me. 

She didn’t travel a lot due to financial reasons but once I became a US citizen I applied for my Ami to come here and she was able to visit me twice. She was very happy to see my girls and I, although everything was different here for her she adjusted very well and eventually liked it. She didn’t want to stay in the States because she missed her other daughters, her grandkids and her home.

Slowly her health started going down and unfortunately at some point, her body couldn’t keep up with her. But she fought until the last day. In April 2013 she had the first stroke, it was massive but she survived. She had high blood pressure and diabetes, later we found out she had an infection in her chest, blood and urine. Months later she had more strokes. And through a MRI we found out her brain was completely gone. The only thing that was keeping her alive was her heart. Since she had a stroke a year ago, the family didn’t think she would make it too far. Each day we all thought, today could be her last day. But none of us are in control; only God knows when her time is up. A month ago, she went into a vegetative coma. Ten days before she passed I came to Karachi without knowing how long she would be alive, I just knew I had to be with her. It was extremely hard and sad to see her in a coma. I remember there were many hours in the days when I didn’t want to see my Ami suffer, I wanted to hide so I wouldn’t have to deal or see her suffering. But at the same time I was getting my motivation from her. I had to tell myself, it’s not about me. If Ami can be that strong why can’t I. For sure my Ami was the strongest woman I have ever met. She was in coma for at least a month. Her Doctor had no hope for her; she had bedsores at stage 4, infections all over her body, she was on feeding tube, and slowly her chest congestion was making it harder for her to breath. We had to give her nebulizer and section treatment. The whole family knew exactly what was going on. And that’s why we decided to keep Ami at home with peace. We prayed and prayed 24/7 asking God to please make it fast and easy for her. And he did. Two days before she passed she had a heart attack and the Doctor told us she would not be able to make it to the hospital. All of my sisters and I stood around her and continued to pray. We would also talk to her and let her know that all of us were here with her, how much we love her and care for her. Even then I was amazed my mother was still alive after her heart attack and the continual struggle for each breath. The day she passed was on a religious day called Shaban. Here is the link so you can read about it. http://www.alahazrat.net/islam/the-excellency-of-the-15th-night-of-shabaan.php.  From the religious perspective, we believe shaban is a very holy month and during the 15 shaban whatever you pray for, your prayer gets accepted right away. And whoever dies that night goes straight to heaven. I remember since my childhood when my Ami heard about anyone’s death on the 15^th Shaban, she always envied them and said, “Look how lucky they were”. And would pray that when she died it would be on the 15^th shaban. Her wish came true! She died on the 15^th Shaban at 1:25 AM.

My mother was a complete woman from all angles and was also a holy woman. We, the whole family truly believe that she didn’t need to pass on the 15^th shaban to go straight to heaven because she already earned her place in heaven during her time on earth. The whole family misses her a lot and always will. She is the reason we are where we are right now and all of us are living our lives with pride and dignity. It has been 6 weeks since she has passed. And I am not sure all of us have accepted that she is gone or maybe because it still seems unreal.  Here and there I have to tell myself my Ami is gone forever. I am sure that’s part of the grieving process. It will take time but even as an adult it seemed like we lost both of our parents at the same time. She was everything to us and we were everything to her. Thank you God for giving my sisters and I the best parents in the whole entire world.

I miss you Ami, Zainab.

Oldest daughter (Saeeda Baji)

“The very first in the morning, I miss seeing Ami on her bed.  I remember I used to go with her to pay the bills and to buy groceries. When she got sick I would make breakfast for her and in our free time we played ludu (board game).  I miss playing with her and miss spending time with her. Since I was a child, I always talked too much so she would always gently tell me to stop and then sat me down quietly next to her. She taught me how to cook and I would iron Ami’s clothes for her. I miss making chai (tea) for her”.

Who is Mahvish?

      I met Mahvish as soon as she was born. She was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. It didn’t take for the whole family to fall in love with Mahvish. She was a perfect child. Everything about her was so special and enjoyable. She was the first granddaughter and the first niece.  She is my oldest sister’s daughter. I was 12 years old when I met Mahvish and I truly believe I became her mother first then my own daughter’s mom.

My sister and her family lived in my Ami’s home until Mahvish was 3 years old. And it was the most memorable and fun time I experienced with her. Then for some personal reason we couldn’t meet with my sister and nieces after they moved into their own home. The interesting thing was we all missed each other unconditionally. Our love for each other didn’t die but instead it grew stronger every day. My Ami was truly heartbroken when she couldn’t see her daughter and grandkids. She prayed and prayed to God to see them again. I still remember how many tears Ami shed as she begged God to make her wish come true, to see them again. But God had a different plan. It took 8 years until her wish came true; my sister’s husband had a heart failure and my sister and nieces moved back to my Ami’s home for good. It was the perfect arrangement.  My mother needed support and there was no better caretaker than my sister. They all had a very good understanding of each other and lived happily like a big family.  Both of my nieces called their grandma, Manu. Manu was my Ami’s nickname when she was a little girl. They both respected Manu a lot. My Ami was an active woman so they did everything together and listened to everything she said, whatever she asked for or needed they brought it to her right away.

Slowly with age my Ami’s health start going down. But she was still manageable. Years later one day my mother fell and had a massive stroke. It was Mahvish who saw her first and provided first aid to her.  From that day my Ami’s condition got worse and worse. And she was fully on medical support and needed a fulltime nurse.  None of my sisters and my nieces were medically qualified but that’s when the amazing side of Mahvish came out. Even though she didn’t know much about the medical field she knew her Manu needed help. Very quickly just by watching other nurses she learned by herself how to check blood pressure to properly using a feeding tube to every single thing you can imagine a stroke patient who is on fully on the bed would need. In no time she became a CNA and Nurse without a degree. With Mahvish and family care Ami started making progress. She was able to speak again, was more aware of her surroundings, able to ask for whatever she needed, she was able to move a little bit, she could show her emotions and she had a very positive attitude, she tried on her own to do whatever and as much as she could.

Mahvish was there day and night for her.  She quit her daytime job to be with her Manu. She didn’t care about her own personal life, enjoyment, hanging out with friends or anything like that. Her focus was to provide the best treatment she could. She always fed her first and then she ate. There were countless nights she was up checking Manu making sure she was okay. Ami was not on any kind of life support so she had breathing problems especially during the nighttime. As soon as Mahvish noticed it didn’t matter what time it was, Mahvish was up standing next to her and tried to make it as comfortable as she could for her. Feeding was another issue. Manu didn’t want to eat because she couldn’t chew or swallow easily. It was Mahvish who made sure she finished her meals, even if it took three to four hours.

As soon as we thought she was getting better, everything got worse. She had more strokes and then through the MRI we found out her brain was complete gone and she had an infection in her blood and urine. Slowly she started losing consciousness and went into a vegetative coma. Once I heard about it I came to Karachi to visit her and spend time with my family. I tried to help Mahvish as much as I could. But the way she was taking care of my mother I am proud to say none of us sister could do it. Since Ami was on her bed all the time, she started getting bedsores. At some point her bedsores reached to stage 4, her Doctor had to do a small surgery and clean that area. If you don’t know much about stage 4 bedsores, they are injuries to the skin and tissues caused by pressure, it most commonly occurs to those on bed rest or in a wheel chair. A stage four bedsore means the sore is reaching into the muscle and bone that causes extensive damage and it isn’t easy to take care of. After she had the surgery she needed to change the dressing every other day. I thought I could be that strong like Mahvish but she proved me wrong. Mahvish watched the Doctor at the hospital as he changed the dressing and she was able to do it on her own. The only help she needed to hold Ami’s body because she couldn’t move at all. I remember very well the very first time I was helping Mahvish to change the dressing on Ami. My feet started shaking, and it was so hard to hold Ami. But I was amazed to see how confidently Mahvish was able to do it. That is just one example of her remarkable job of taking care of her Manu.

Ami’s condition was getting worse and worse and we knew her time was near. Mahvish was up many nights up and prayed by her side for many nights. Two days before Ami’s death she had a heart attack and that was an indescribable time for the whole family. Her Doctor told us she would not be able to make it to the hospital. Mahvish couldn’t sleep all night long and prayed and prayed. Her Manu left this world in front of the entire family. Mahvish was reading the Quran loudly and watched her Manu until her breathing stopped. On July 15 2014 at 1:25 AM Ami met her loving God and left this painful world.

Today Mahvish is living in Karachi with her mother and younger sister. She is missing her Manu a lot but is handing this difficult time beautifully. She is beautiful from the inside to out. She takes care of the house, does cleaning and cooking and follows all the rules, which any good girl is supposed to do. Mahvish is funny and loves to laughs and is full of life! But when she cries it’s very difficult to see her. I wish my Mahvish all the best for the future and truly am thankful from the bottom of my heart how she took care of Ami. I wish we would have more girls like Mahvish that are truly caring and love family!

Electricity issue in Pakistan

As many of you know I am in Karachi, Pakistan. This country doesn’t get all four seasons. There winter is not as cold as Illinois but last year Karachi weather’s was very cold compared to previous winters.  From winter they jump straight into summer where the temperatures reach up to 105 F with high humidity with absolutely no rain.

High temperatures are one thing to deal with but if you don’t have electricity it’s absolutely miserable.  The way electricity works is due to the less electricity around the country they have to share with others. There is set time during the day when the electric company will shut your area’s power off but here and there they do unexpectedly shut off the electric. These are the timings for everyday; morning from 4:30 AM- 6:30 AM, 11 AM-1 PM, 3 PM-5:30 PM, 8PM-10:00 pm. No electricity everyday at least for 10 hours a day. Three days ago there was no electricity from 8:00 pm to 4:30 AM. My Mom’s home has a generator but at some point even a generator needs a break and on top of that you can’t turn the AC and the fridge on when the generator is on. Everyone feels miserable, low energy, high blood pressure and dizziness. Many people are getting sick due to the hot temperature.

I grew up in Karachi and since I now live in the States it’s a culture shock for me. Electricity, cold water and being in a clean and comfortable environment are also a necessity. But here in Karachi, I am seeing how hard and miserable people are living every single day and that’s their life. I came to Karachi knowing at some point I would go back to the States and then I don’t have to deal with these issues anymore but my heart goes out to the people who are living here and dealing all these issues every single day.    

Many of you know that I am always comparing Pakistani culture and issues to the States cultures culture and issues. No place is perfect and both countries have their own issues but without going deeply, the people who are living in the States are blessed with everything they have and they don’t have to suffer or struggle every single day.

Last week one day there was no electric for 5 hours plus even the water wouldn’t work. After waiting for hours we decided to buy water. We called many places but they all said they are out of water. Finally we got lucky and one company sent a water tank. Honestly I was amazed how hard life is here. We are lucky we could afford to buy water and have a generator and AC. But what about the people who can’t afford all of that? My heart goes out to them and I feel sorry for them.

My Mother raised me to always appreciate everything and to try very hard not to take advantage of anything but once I came home and saw how hard my family and others are living, it makes me appreciate everything more. Having basic needs are every single human’s birthright but unfortunately that’s not the case all over the world. And that makes me very sad and frustrated. I see here in Pakistan the rich people and I also see in the States how many people take advantage of everything and they don’t even think about how wrong they are and how hard others are living.

At my Mom’s home we have a generator and air conditioning. And the whole family and I feel very lucky and blessed we have that necessity. I can’t even imagine the people who don’t have that and are living absolutely miserable but poor people have no choice.

Last chapter of my Ami's life!

Last chapter of her life!

Planning, planning and planning. Many of us are the planers and would like to run our lives according to our plans. I am also one of those who plan. But at the same time life doesn’t go according to our plans. Someone else is in control and he knows what’s best for us. Last year when I find out about my Mother’s (Ami’s) stroke, I came to Karachi and spent time with my family. My mother’s condition was bad and my family didn’t think she would make it far but a year later she is still with us. When I was leaving I honestly didn’t think I would see my Ami again so I did say my final goodbye to her. But only God knows when the time is to leave the world.  After I came back to the states I was in touch with my family and found out my Ami made some progress. But then her health started going down again. She had many small strokes and whatever progress she made she lost it. Three weeks ago my family told me my Ami was in the hospital and we found out she had an infection in her blood, urine and in her bedsores. From the CT scan we found out there is nothing left in her brain. She was in a coma with her temperature above 105 degrees F. My entire family got scared and were very worried for her. When I found out I was feeling very sad and depressed for my mother. I didn’t have any plans to go back to visit her again due to my work schedule. But I feel very lucky how much my co-workers and friends and family supported me through this difficult time. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart and truly appreciate you all. I am a believer and I believe you will know whom your true friends are when you are going through a tough time. I am proud to say I have countless true friends around me. Honestly, I didn’t know I would be able to come to Karachi in such a short time but you all made it possible for me.  I made the entire plan within a week and a week ago I arrived in Karachi.

It was and still is very hard and sad to see my Ami in a coma. I can close my eyes and see my Ami’s whole life in front of me like a movie. She is the strongest and patient person I have ever met.  You can name any problem or issue and my Ami has dealt with it. And the amazing part is she never complained to anyone about anything. She has been very strong and always asked helped from God. She was pretty young when she became a widow with 5 young girls. She never re-married and devoted her life to us. We didn’t grow up financially rich but the way she raised all of us in poverty was remarkable. I have so much respect for my Ami.

Now she is counting her last breaths. She is not on any kind of life support and is breathing on her own; she is still alive and I know because I can feel her heartbeat. We are all aware of what’s going on and we know her time is coming it’s only a matter of time. My Ami’s faith always been very strong and that’s why all of us are here and I am asking all of you there to please pray to God to make it easy for her.