I did it my way
Not too long ago I was organizing my writing folder and
started reading some of my articles again and I found a pattern in them. I
noticed that in most of my stories I am talking about my girls and motherhood.
I also noticed that nowhere do I separate myself from being a mother. It
appears as if being a mother has become my identity but I am more than that. At
some level I understand why I kept mentioning my girls and motherhood but it
brought up some questions for myself. I asked myself, who am I? What’s my
identity besides being a mother? I believe I was born to be a mother and
somehow I knew I would have daughters. No matter what and when I will
always be my girls’ mother but my identity is not just a mother. But before
today I have never sat down and focused on just my identity.
Growing up very poor from an early age I didn’t have a normal childhood. I
understood my mother’s struggle and that’s why I never asked her for anything
she couldn’t provide. I was her sensitive and mature daughter. I dreamed about
finishing education and becoming a doctor so that I could support my family and
live like any middle class family would live. I was 15 years old when I first
started working 2 jobs so I could support my mother. I still remembered the
day. It was the day after my last high school exam and was excited about
sleeping in late. It was around 8:00 am and my mother came and woke me up. She
said that the principle of the school asked me about you and offered a job to
you. I looked at my mother with a puzzled face and then she continued and said,
“I told the principal yes she would and she wants you to start today”. Without
thinking or saying anything to my mother I looked at her approving eyes and got
ready to start teaching that day. I couldn’t disappoint my mother. I knew how
hard she was working to raise all of her five daughters.
I was pretty but nobody ever said to me that I was
because I had dark skin. I had hope for a better future but I had low
confidence in myself for it. At the age of 16 my marriage proposal came.
I didn’t want to get married to anybody but since it was my mother’s wish
I did. I knew that the sooner us daughters got married; my mother would worry
less financially. I didn’t want to leave my county, family and friends but I
accepted her wish and that’s how I ended up in the U.S.A. I didn’t know anything
about marriage life, America or the role of women in the States. I took one day
at a time and instead of complaining to my mother, every time I talked to her I
faked laughter so she could feel satisfied that her daughter was happy. My
first couple of years in the USA were painful, lonely, and sad. I remember the
very first time I wore pants and shirt I felt naked and didn’t like it at all.
I was used to wearing long 3 pieces of clothing. But there was something about
me from the early age that wouldn’t let me give up, I was a fighter. I slowly
started accepting my new life. knowing there is no going back I chose to move
forward.
I was a stay at home wife for a long time but after become a single mother my
real challenges started. I hit the rock bottom and was very depressed. My worse
days are when I would forget to cook dinner for my girls. I don’t think they
noticed or remember but until this day it bothers me. I was very down,
depressed and was having anxiety attacks. My doctor wanted me to see
psychologist But, I didn’t want to see any strange person and talked to this
person about my personal life. I tried anyways but it didn’t help me, the
psychologist wanted me to take anti-depression medication. I am not against
medication but I would rather feel my pain then numb it. Back then and even now
I believe that if we don’t deal with our pain it will wait for us. And I didn’t
want to make my body numb and15 or 20 years down the road deal with my pain. I
chose the hard road and never went back to the psychologist. Instead of that I
started writing what was going on and my writing became my therapy. I noticed that
once I write I feel good, relaxed, and even find answers. I was able to understand
what was going on and I was getting connected with my feelings.
Education
was always big part of my life. I didn’t like that I couldn’t finish my
education before I got married. But later I decided to go back to school and
finished my education. When I started Parkland College I was still a mess
but my goal was to get an education. I remember the very first time someone
gave me a compliment about my looks. I didn’t like it at all and I thought that
person was making fun of me. I had to work very hard on my self-esteem from
inside to outside. It was like being re-born. I used to hide my body and
myself from society. Because I didn’t believe anyone would care to look or
listen to me. One day for my academics I met with a counselor and we clicked
right away. She didn’t just help me with academics; she also helped my spirit
rise up too. She believed in me and pushed me to go beyond my limits. I have so
much respect for her. She is the reason after I finished Parkland I decided to
go further into education. She helped me in all areas of my life and today I
can proudly say I survived because of her too.
Growing up secretly I wanted to become a print model but I never shared my
secret with anyone. But once my self-esteem started getting better, I started
seeing a whole brand new world in front of me.. I remembered that night very
well, for some reason I couldn’t sleep and I was up until 5 am. Thinking,
reading and writing, suddenly my eyes stopped at the yellow pages at my
bookshelf. I had never ever opened the yellow pages to look for anyone’s number
or use it for anything but that night. I flipped through it and saw that there
was a modeling agency in town. I called and later that day I got a call from
the lady and said she wanted to meet with me.
When I wasn’t feeling good and had lots of challenges front of me, I wanted to
prove to myself that even though I was scared I can still make it. Part of me
wanted to do something huge that I never thought I could. One day I decided I
wanted to skydive. I jumped from 12000 thousand feet high and felt free from
everything. It was a beautiful memorable experience of my life.
When I first started living alone with my daughters, I was scared especially at
nighttime. I was checking the doors in the middle of the night worrying about
someone breaking in the house. Mentally I was getting stronger but physically I
wasn’t there. And that’s when I decided to take Tae-kwon-do classes. There
was/is very respectfully man who has been teaching for many years. I talked to
him about taking lessons from him and before I knew it I started enjoying it
and began to gain a lot of confidence and strength. Tae-kwon-do has become part
of my life and I am proud to say that I am a martial arts student. Lots of
people especially the women from my community didn’t look at me with respect
because I did this. Because, according to them, as a Muslim women I shouldn’t
take tae-kwon-do where I would stretch my body. I never agreed or cared
what others were feeling about me. I kept putting on my uniform with pride and
respect.
I remembered in grade school English was my least favorite subject. I never
liked it and wished the English language would go away. Yet I ended up around
English speakers in an English speaking country, it became pivotal for my life.
When I was at Parkland taking ESL classes one of the teachers told me that since
English isn’t your first language you will never be able to write and read in
English. Naturally since English is my 2nd language I will have more difficult speaking it. I
didn’t like what she said to me at all, it was discouraging instead of being
supporting. So instead I took at as challenge and learned to speak English as
well as possible.
I lived the first 18 years of my life in Pakistan and the past 23 years in the
States. Even when I was in Pakistan I was hopeful for a better future. But once
I moved to the States and had a totally different life experience I still had
hope for a better tomorrow. I wanted to have security in finances in a home and
in family. But my experiences taught me that even when I thought I had security
I didn’t have any security about anything. And when I hit rock bottom I tell
myself now the only place I can go is up. I kept holding on hope for tomorrow. I
always look at the situation as the glass being half full not empty. My
positive attitude and hope kept me moving on.
We women are more than just women and mothers. We have pride, we demand respect,
we are stronger then we can even imagine. We are providers, supporters,
friends, and much more. I am my mother’s pride and sensitive daughter, my
sisters’ biggest supporters, my friends trusted confidants and my own
daughters’ guidance. I am a whole lot more. I started walking on dirt road and
today when I look back I see a garden with full beautiful flowers. My life is
like the Frank Sinatra song “I did it my way”. And today I am living with pride
and respect. I am a woman who can read and write. I speak my mind and am living
with freedom. I have a college degree and I am working full time speaking
English. I ended up making local TV commercials and have done some printing
modeling. I started taekwondo with a white belt and today I have a brown belt.
I am now a columnist for 2 local newspapers. I own a home. I have raised
two beautiful girls on my own. I have traveled many countries crossed the ocean
alone. I feel very confident and secure about who I am and I did it my way.
